It might seen like nothing,
But there are tales behind it,
Miracle will be come by spring,
But you the one who must admit.
***
Going back to the time that I confessed to him. My heart still felt heavy everytime I remember it. It was a time that I finally made a big decision in my life. It was not just an ordinary confession. It was not as simple as saying "I love you" or "I want to be with you" towards him. It was not as easy as it seems. It was mainly a confession of a tired heart. A confession for a rejection and being reject. A confession to end the whole missery and unsatisfied feelings.
The reason I decide that is because of this one conflict that I have with him. Yes, it always conflict between us. We never go to the same direction in that map! But this time, it was totally different. The first ever biggest conflict that I had and it sure is made me pour out a ton of tears through my eyes. Yes, a girl like me, that hard to cry and bearing an expection as strong and mighty as a guy. Yet, at the end I still a fragile little girl that break because of a guy that I couldn't have. Although my heart and my mind disagree with each other, but the feeling must agree with the logic. Afterall, it knows that if it being stubborn, it could break into shreded pieces.
The tale was began on a day that I had been stood up twice by him. At the bus station and at the train station! It was due to his carelessness, that simple headed guy wakes up late and made me wait for him for hours! Although I have already suspected him earlier, but this gut of mine tells me to believe him instead with the claim he made by "wouldn't be late". Yet, he is late! Of course, I was regret for not contacting him sooner. Unfortunately, his the one who at the buzzer and I leaved him first. How unlucky I am that day, he actually left me while I'm waiting for him at the train station and it made me furious at that instant.
It was like my blood suddenly increase and reach to the highest level. I waited for him at the train station for almost an hour! But I am the one who got stood up again? It should be him, not me! I dialed his phone number, asked where he is right after he picks up. As expected, he does replied by saying that he had taken the train and made me take the other! I just don't believe what happened that time. I could still spend some of my petient when asked him to wait for me at the last station, and there he is, sitting at the stair while paying fully attention to his phone. Bad luck, it was such a bad luck! I had my tantrum kept in chest.
I walked fast, leaving him behind. One after another, what a shamfull day today! I got in to the wrong platform due to my anger issue. That ambrassment made me even mad when he asked me where am I going and correct my path! All I could do is give a sharp glance at him, and suddenly he is out of my sight. Then I found out he walk beside me and at slightly, grin at me with that teasing look. He such a nuisance at that time, you know! I walk even faster to get our next train. The silence remain between us until our final destination. At some point, he opened his mouth and start apologizing, I couldn't stand it and started to bark at him synicaly. That was my mistake. I couldn't control my anger. Instead, I shoot him with the bullets that I kept like a machine gun. As I remember, Harald once said that I was like his wife at the moment. Mad at him for leaving me behind.
Harald: Reya, I am sorry.
Me: no need to apologize. Do you know how long I've been waiting for you? Should it be me who suppost to get left behind? It should have be you!
Harald: I know, I'm wrong. That's why I ask for your forgiveness.
Me: I have told you didn't I? That I will wait for you at the train station. Didn't you checked your notification? Just what time did you sleep last night?
Harald: Four in the morning.
Me: Why is it so late? You have many assignments to be done do you?
I start to calm down at first. But seeing that face burned me once again, remembering that HE LEFT ME BEHIND!!! Unfortunately, it does help me tone down a bit with that pity eyes of him.
Me: But still, you shouldn't left me you know!? Do you know how rushing? I am until I left my facial cleanser and brought the toner instead!? Do you know how important for me to have both of them!?
This is the worst part, I forgot my facial cleanser and bought a facial toner instead! I was planning to go home afterwards. How am I going to do with that?! This angry, sad, and happy feelings are all mixed up all together. It sure made me difficult to indentify which is my truth emotion and it so frustrated! But this young man behind me, have the odacity to put oil onto fire and roasted himself with that bright smile of him!
Harald: Relaxed, you didn't need it Reya. Look at me, I'm not using any skincare but my face and it still fine.
As I look at him, I said,
Me: You a guy, Harald! It not the same as me. Skincare is essential for ladies, you know. It is to maintain their best natural look! Argh, you just want to change to the topic do you?
Harald: don't blame me. You the one who start with the cleanser
Me: BUT STILL, YOU SHOULDN'T LEFT ME BEHIND!!! It's me who should left you in this situasion!
Harald: Fine, I promise that I wouldn't running late again next time, and I wont left you behind. For your information, it do hard for me to came out with a promise. You should consider it lucky that I make one for you.
Me: the promise doesn't valid to me. So, don't you dare to sugar coat it. It'll be worse if you won't kept that. I don't really like people easily gave their promises. Especially a person like you! You are most untrustful person in my list, Harald.
Then, the silence suddenly came across us as we walk pass all the store around us, we keep searching the main of our purpose without realising that we have arrived. Yes, the time has come to its end. But deep inside me, I want to keep it longer. Suddently, my temper gets cold as we were teased by the store owner for the thought of lovers. Tell me, who in this world doesn't fluttered when its come to that kind of situation. The only words that I remeber is,
""The thing that is far, can be approachable. The closer it be, the better. When it's ready, it will be just fine. I wish the best for both of you".
My heart felt like an April. The spring comes right after the storm of winter. It is at its full bloomed, but I don't want Harald to notice it. I also remember that I mentioned his tall friend, Sam. I said his cute just because I want to know what kind of face Harald would made. But the spring doesn't last long. With the cold that still remain, the autumn suddenly approach. Just like Harald at that time. His eyes, his voice, strangely I felt warmth in that coldness tone.
Harald: Don't you believe what the shopkeeper said. I could not be a perfect husband for you. So, don't take it seriously.
Me: Just who an idiot that want you to become your husband? A guy like you? Nah, not for me for sure.
Harald: But still, I'm not that perfect. I wouldn't be perfect for you in any ways.
Until now, I still remember that story clearly in my memory box. In just a day, we went through all of four seasons that full of happiness, anger, and tears. It do hurt me with all the things that Harald said to me. He even asked me a silly question to break the awkwardness.
Harald: What makes you so excited with flowers? And why do ladies love flowers so much?
Me: Because it beautiful, silly! Every flowers have its own meaning. It just another way of communication.
Harald: What so beautiful of it? I didn't find it mesmerizing at all.
Me: Because you don't understand a thing Harald. You just don't understand anything and you never try to understand it at all.
That dumb boy do deserve my kick at his leg! I just couldn't stand with him. Just why and how do am I getting head to toe for a guy like him? What so special about this one guy that I couldn't get my head straight? He just so annoyingly annoying!
Harald: What are you getting mad about? It hurt you know!
Me: Because I'm a lady too, Harald!".
Harald: You called yourself a lady? If you do, you didn't act so rough like this!
Me: Shut up, Harald. I don't want to hear a thing anymore.
I may look comfortable to be around him and I love it actually. But deep inside me, this boyish girl like me, still have the audacity to feel nervous when I'm around him. And this nervousness made me look even more of a dumb than him! I head just went blank for awhile. Searching the path that I should take. But his voice just break the darkness for me like a magic spell.
Harald: are you still unfimiliar with this place?
Me: No, I'm not. It just that all the things around me getting black all of the sudden when I see your face!
I just too shy because of this deadly nervous system. It time to part our ways, I have to go back home and he must go to the college instead, while waiting for my train, he still try his best to get me out of my awkward space.
Harald: Just for your information, I still keep in touch with Muriel this past few days.
Me: I know. But do I look like I actually care about that?
Harald: Haha, are jealous or something?
Me: No, I'm not! Why should I? Muriel told me everything already. So, I don't actually mind of that.
I barely looked at him straight to the eyes with that words. Finally, Our train arrived. It time for us to have a separate ways. Again! I looked at him before the door closed. He's not turning his back to looked at me. As I expected for sure. But still, I have put my hope high at that time. In my heart, I'm dying want to shout that words "I Love You!". But my mouth shut, and I still can't say it until the end of the day.
I guess, this is it. Our journey, just meant for a while. Our heart, never meant for each other. Our destination, will never be the same. We just cross our path and get to know each other a little bit. But then, we part our ways. Just like that. But my heart still remain the same, although I know the fact that he doesn't care much about it. The heart break still remain. It just wait for the time to fall on the ground and turn into pieces. But I just couldn't expect it will come sooner as it suppose to be.