When morning shined through the window's i woke up in David's arms. He was still asleep as i looked around our cloths thrown on the floor along some pillow, as I was sleeping on his arm as he just held me tight, I felt so happy to be with him that night was amazing I've dreamed of it my whole life and I got my wish last night. David maybe I'm still madly in love with you after all.
As I stayed in his arms watching him sleep was just everything, he seemed so peaceful. I wanted to wake up to this everyday. "I love you." I whispered quietly to him as he slowly opened his eyes. He smiled at me as he looked at me with his sleepy eye's as he held me tight in his arm's as it was all i wanted since the first time he kissed me. Being with him made me feel like before that i made it to his heart and that he'll finially stay with me and wont change, he'll be only mine. "I love you.." As i whispered to him all i felt was my happieness go though him. "Gin.." He just stared at me as his smile faded away, he took his arm away as he sat up.. his back facing me. As i sat up and hugged him from behind, i could feel the cold of his body try to calm the warmth of my body. "I had fun." He pushed me back and got up as i stayed confused on the bed. I quickly walked up to him as i was putting my panties back on. As i grabbed my bra and put on my shirt at least, as David was putting his pants on. "What do you mean that was fun.." Did you not enjoy last night like i did?" I could already tell that my heart was going to fall out of my chest and be hurt again, i didn't want to take that chnace again.. but i know that's going to happen. "Look last night was the most amazing sex i had in a long time and for being our first time i loved it, but you and i aren't anything to each other got that." His voice sounded deeper as he put on his shirt and fixed his hair in the mirrior. "Why the fuck did you come back.." As i stayed on the bed feeling my heart start to ace i could feel that i was going to lose my mind again. He looked away from the mirrior as he was putting on his dress shoes back on, avoiding eye contact. "I came every year thinking that i might see you one more time.. I even came on December." His voice had a slight crack i could feel the pain he had but he never showed it.. he always tried to be strong.
"You told me that i didn't matter to you and that you stopped loving me.. so why the fuck do you keep trying to get back to me. Was breaking my heart a million time's not enough for you. Was loving you not enough!" I couldn't help but to scream at him as i could feel my heart crying out to him as i still help him tight to my heart and loved him deely as ever.
"It was ever enough for me! Do you know how hard i had to hold in all my desire for you? How hard i tryed not to hurt you or just take you far away from the whole world.. how much i wanted to fuck you.. or that i wanted to protect you.. keep you to myself and no one else could ever see you! How much i wanted to keep you for myself. But i couldn't becasue you weere still just a kid.. and you always wanted to be with your friends and how much trouble you would get in just to cover what they did." He looked at me as i could see a small tatoo on his chest where his heart is.. i could feel my tears over flow like rivers. "I never stopped thinking about you becasue i never could stop.." He looked at as if i had the fault in everything that happened to him.
"I was never enought.." David looked at me one last time as he left through the door and left me standing as my tears felt the ground once more as i felt my heart cry even more painfully. I always felt that my heart would break more but that that moment of my life came and ir hurt even more that i couldn't take it i need to get away from the pain i need to run away again. I want to disappier again.. i want to lose myself again..
After getting myself dressed i got out as i slowly walked to the park and sat on the bench as i kept feeling my heart pouring out as i could feel the emptiness inside me. "I want to lose myself more and more.." As i whispered to myself hearing the sound of my own voice. As i checked my phone i could see that i still a bit of battery left, i walked over to the bus stop and waited as i called my friend.. 420 what a stupid nickname Mau.. As i called him i kept waiting he picked up, "Hello lady" his voice sounded so stupid as always. "Are you home.?" As the bus came i got on and took my little money left. "Yes.. why? Don't tell me, your coming over." I looked out the window as the bus started to push the fucking pedal so hard. "Yeah, I'll be over in a few a minutes." I said to him as i grabbed hard the seat in front of me as some of the people on the bus were almost about to fall off the damn bus, when i hanged up as i could feel my head spinning and my heart hurting more.
After getting off and walking like 10 blocks down the park. Making it to his house i knock and wait as he came to open the door as he wasn't wearing a shirt and just some long bascket ball shorts. "Come on, in lady." Mau's voice was so damn cocky as i walked in, throwing myself on the couch putting my feet on the little stupid coffee table he had full of weed and some other shit. "Well, what the fuck can i get you love." He came over and sat next to me putting his arm over me, laying my head on his shoulder i could feel a smile on his face. "Just gimme anything.. i want to lose myself." I said as i closed my eye's sighing as i could feel more of my heart hurting more and more. He got up and openes a few drawer's bring a bong and some LSD, he also brought some mushrooms and cocaine, coming over stilling it all on the table as i opened my eye's seeing all the stuff looking back at him. "I'm only bringing this out for you." He smiled as he leaned in close to me. I pushed his face away as he just chuckled and started to set everything up as he handed me the bong, inhaling the smoke into my lungs feeling my ming go slightly blanck, inhaling more of the smoking each time more and more.
After a few hours past, i could feel my ming going blanck and my body floating over water. It's what i wanted to feel i want to feel like I'm nothing that when i die I'm just going to lie in the dirt and the worm's are going to eat my felsh my bone's trun into ash then disappier or maybe i want to die while i brun or do i want to drown? What would be the best way to die buring or drowning?? Why does love hurt? What am i doing wrong.. is there something that I'm doing right? How will i be in a few years? Will i be a good person.. or will i be bad.
Feeling my body float in the air my mind taking a trip to anywhere but here vile. I could finally feel myself escaping this reality, feeling myself drift away from my pain as if nothing ever bad happened to me again.. how i missed this feeling i needed to feel you again.. the feeling of nothing.
My mind and body rember's this feeling so well..it's my old friend. I remeber when i had this feeling every day but then it felt less and less to me. I wanted something stronger to make me feel dead..
Once i got back to reality i realized that i try to escape from my own problems a lot that i try not to solve anything like a normal person, that i dont do anything to help myself. I want to change that..
My head feels so light headed i feel dizzy and..there's something on my leg. Once i opened my eye's i could see that Mau had his hand on me, still a little high i could feel his hand on my leg i acted quickly and punched him in the face, it felt like i broke my finger's.. fuck why did that hurt so much.
Stumbling over to the door i could hear him shouting at me, my ear's just rang as i felt it just echoing so loud. "Fuck off Mau!" I grabbed my phone as i somehow called Dorin.. "I'm at the park of the next town over..to Crown.." i found myself laying on the grass and just staring at the trees feeling my body shiver from the cold. "Where the fuck are you Gin." His voice just echoed so much through my ears. "Here.. on the phone.."
I closed my eyes and felt the star's lay heavy on my but then felt like i was being carried over a soft warm lake. A beating heart.. is space ever going to end like us..?
After a few hour's i realized that i was laying in a soft silk blancket, with pillow's so soft and cumfy witht his sent.. Lukas.. Luaks! "What the fuck?!" As i sat up quickly i could feel my head hitting me back so hard with such pain. "Just lay back down." Lukas's voice sounded so deep.. i liked it. As he stood staring out the window with a cigarette in his mouth as his shirt looked so lazy put on. "Where am I..?" As i sat up and looked around.. this bedroom was his.. so many bottles and cigarette box's everywhere but yet there were some picture's around the floor.
"You and me.." Whispering it to myself as i see the pitcure's on the floor as i looked at the little table next to the bed. There was water with my name on it. "Drink some water.. I know you have a somewhat of a head enjury." Hearing that made me really surpised to know that.. i never really told anyone.. I'd usally just bite my hnad and think of that pain until I'd forget the pain in my head.
"How did you know about that.. i didn't tell you that." As I looked at him as he truned to see me, he walked over slowly as he put out his ciggarette. "I looked you up.. I'm sorry i wanted to know if you had something serious, i saw that you kept biting your hand a few time's and that never left my head." He sat next to me as he tryed to reach for my hand. I looked at him as he came leaning closer to me as i felt my heart beat faster and fast i leaned in as well, feeling my face trun bright red. "I'm sorry i kept thing's from you.. I was scared that you might reject me.." I could see how some tear's came out of his soft sad eye's. "I don't like lie's.. i never did." I felt my heart trying to get out of my chest, and it just hurted more. "I don't want to lose you.. or your love. I need you with me." Lukas... your what make's my heart feel good. Your good to me.
Is what i should say.. but how can i say that when i feel like i can't speak. The lump in my throat stop's me from tell you that.. your the right choice. But i couldn't say anything my body just took control and kissed your puffy lip's, i could tatse his tear.. it was salty. I could feel his hand going to my hair as he got slowly on top of me.. his body was cold.
"Your warmth tell's me that your real." His voice told me everything that i needed to know that, i want to stay with him.
His lip's onn mine, his body on top of me sharing my warmth with him. My love and his love are together and i know that it is right. His hand's on my body his beating heart beating with me. The love he show's me is more love than i ever knew was true.
Time run's faster when I'm with you.. like my beating heart. Everytime you touch me, my heart start's to run mile's. You are the one i want to be with Lukas.. "I love you.." As he made love to me all night i whispered in his ear my word's that came from the heart to him.
"I love you too...."