The day you arrived was your day off. It's been a while since you took your day off. The first thing that came to mind when you landed in LA was your secret spot. Your hotel's location was made a secret and it was situated far from where the shows and awards were to be held. It was strategically located near Santa Monica, a 15 minutes ride from your university. Back when you were studying you had this beach where you went to listen to music and calm down. That place withheld your strongest moments and you weakest ones. You made a decision to go there after you settle in your hotel.
You went out of your room and went down to the lobby to find Yeon Moon sitting there on the bar. This time he had nothing in hand to drink. You didn't get what he was doing but your were already on your way to him.
"Oppa," you said calmly. "How are you?" You asked as you sat on the stool next to him.
"There's nothing to do and I can't sleep." He seemed to find it easy to talk with you. Like an invisible barrier was taken down.
You smiled and said all child-like, "do you want to sneak out?" You nodded your head as a way to sway his answer.
"I-I," he hesitated.
"I won't tell if you tell!"
"Well, don't get me killed, Kae." He smiled. Genuinely. "Where are you taking me?"
"You'll see."
You guys took the staff exit secretly and you wandered back streets away from the bustling districts. You've shot all over LA for many projects and you knew the streets like the back of your hands. Yeon Moon followed you while questioning if he did the right thing. You started to get closer to the beach and hear the waves crashing. You were back to where your soul once calmed. The wind played a symphony that you would never get sick off. A symphony the gods made exclusively for you.
"Hear that?" You looked at him.
He nodded. You spontaneously took him from his hand and directed him through the palm trees. Till the beach showed in all its glory. A blue heaven you missed. A blue haven you resort to. The gradient of the sea welcomed you in glorious dancing and your soul danced in sync with it. You smelled the air like this is the last time you're ever going to breathe it in. You looked at Yeon Moon to find him smiling a smile that soon turned into a laugh.
"Take your shoes off." You told him, "Come on what are you waiting for!" You quickly took yours off and ran to the sea.
"Wait for me!" He shouted while he was still taking his shoe off.
You sat on the beach and let the waves crash on your feet. Cool water and warm air with the shade of the palm trees. This was your safe haven whenever you fell into depression. You secluded yourself here. When He got closer you patted the sand to tell him to sit down. He sat down. You let the silence take over. The only sound to be heard here is the sound of crashing waves. You laid your back on the sand. It didn't matter if it got everywhere. You just wanted to lay there. You left Yeon Moon to absorb everything and just escape into the vastness of the place. You dozed off until He tapped you.
"I know I sound rude," he said calmly, "but why are you doing this?"
You sat up straight and sighed. "I just know how it is, oppa." You didn't feel like this was a sufficient answer so you completed, "I was born into a family who had mental illness as a hereditary disease. I've gotten my own fair share of it." You just never talked about that with anyone for a long time except for Ae Ra. It felt tough to say that, but it felt like it was needed to be said. You weren't going to tell details anyways. "I've seen depression, mania, and absolute nervous breakdowns." You looked at his face and smiled. "I've got everyone's back back then. I wanna have yours, too." By reflex you side-hugged him.
"I am sorry to hear that." He said as you broke off the hug. "It must've been hard on you."
"I am here, aren't I? I am experiencing life in a way no body else will experience. It's always been like that with me. I wouldn't have gotten to talk the way I talk, walk the way I walk. I wouldn't have existed in the world the way I thrive if it wasn't for everything I've been through. It sure scared the life out of me. It sure took a toll on me. But every time I look at the final answer, I understand the equation even better." You sighed.
"I lived a hard life." He paused, "I had to choose between food and taking the bus back home. I sometimes had to sleep hungry." "My life wasn't an easy road taken. Depression was always there with me. The only thing that felt constant in my life was it. It reflects in everything. It suffocates me." You listened and nodded. You felt every word in your bones. He didn't seem like he wanted an answer.
"Can I read you something I've written?" You asked.
"Yes."
You took your phone as you took a deep breath. You scrolled down your notes to find the one you've been looking for. You started reading it.
"What if the darkness in me, lead me to the inevitable.
The inevitable end of me
The end that shall come
Sooner rather than later
What I if I summoned the demons
And allowed them to pry away
Allowed myself
To retaliate against my instincts
Retaliate against my nature
And just overcome one nature of life by another nature of death
Allow myself the destiny
What if I take that knife of life and forge it into a sword of death
Let the battle begin
And I cease to persist"
It was short. But you felt like sharing it.
"Can I read it?" He said as he asked for your phone. You gave him the phone and as he was done you saw him tear up. "I aways write like this. It sounds so dark and I can't use it in most of our songs. 'They're too dark to use' they always tell me. It feels reassuring to have someone share that with you." He knew that you trusted him with everything you said. Like it's an unspoken oath that you guys hold each other's pain.
"I'll always do."
As you were talking his phone rang. It was Tae Yoon.
"Hyung, where are you?" He asked with a tang of worry.
"Oh, I am having a stroll around with Kae. What's up?"
"We were going to order lunch, what should we order you?"
"Anything you guys will have."
"What about Kae?"
He asked you and you came fast with the answer, "Pizza!" You've missed this pizza from a store around here so you told Tae Yoon about what you wanted and he ordered it.
"Let's go," he said as he stood up and lend you a hand to help you get up. You guys walked back to the hotel and you suddenly felt the urge to skip. You started skipping while singing a kid's song and Yeon Moon laughed out loud and followed suite. You then started running.
"Keep up, oppa!"
By the time you reached the hotel you guys were already out of breath. When you got in you smiled at hin. He reminded you a lot of your younger brother. You felt like you have a part of him close to you now that you've gotten closer with Yeon Moon. Your eyes always teared up at the thought of your family. But, this felt like a good enough family to you now.
You had sand everywhere so you had to go change before you went to their suite. You missed wearing shorts so you decided to wear the jean shorts you took with you. You also wore relatively sheer shirt. You just missed that feeling of freedom. You tied you long brown hair up in a ponytail and took a last look. You've always been a fat girl. You drastically lost weight when you came to LA after developing an eating disorder. After getting treatment you started working out religiously every day while watching what you eat. Recently you haven't been eating healthy enough. Still, you body looked as good as you maintained. You never feel good about your body but that progress was enough for you.
You went to their suite and knocked.
"I'll get it!" You heard what sounds to be Jung Ho's voice. He opened the door and as he looked at you, his eyes widened. He seemed like he was chewing.
"You started eating without me!" You shouted out for every one to hear. You slightly pushed him away for the food but he held you by the wrist.
"You look..." He breathed as he whispered, "you look so good." He stuttered as he tried to choose the right words
"I do?" You said all coy.
"You should be getting ready for the date, you know."
You kinda lost sense of the fact that you'll be checking the app tonight. You've been avoiding Ae Ra's calls and texts so you don't get a sense of what you might have done. You, however, looked forward to the date.
"I know." You pulled him from his arms to get in. You found Eun Ae sitting next to Nak Yum. You smiled. You left Jung Ho's hand and opened your pizza box to find two missing slices. You could see Tae Yoon's and Ji Seon's mouths taking in what looks like the last pieces of those slices. They looked at you with guilty eyes.
"That's why I always order a large pizza."
"Sorry." Ji Seon said while still chewing. You took your pizza and sat next to Eun Ae.
"Someone's having fun." You whispered. She blushed so hard. You laughed. Jeon Seok got you a beer without you asking. "You're such a sweetheart, oppa. Thank you." You ate less than you expected. Maybe it was because you were nervous for the date.