It's the next day. You started your morning routine. You always wake up several hours before anything so you could do everything you need. You were using your face toner while looking in the mirror. Your eyes scanning your features. You smiled. Every time you look in the mirror and like what you see makes you think of how things were and how they are now.
The journey you've been through to actually like what you see instead of despising it was a bumpy pebbled road. You still fall into that spiral of not loving yourself but at least you got here. You can actually look at your face without your insides recoiling at the very sight.
You got ready for your morning exercise and yoga. You've learned to love your body, as well. So you treated it the way you should. After you were done you were off to breakfast. You heard there's a good bakery nearby so you went there and bought yourself a croissant and a coffee. Yes, you're in Japan and eating french food. It tasted amazing. You savored it. It had a pleasant stimulation on your tongue it felt like you could eat 10 of them and not get sick. The coffee was strong, the way you like it.
After you were done, you decided to buy some for everyone for the snack bar at the shoot. You rented a car and drove to the set. The place was beautiful. You always had an appreciation for Japanese architecture. It wasn't for some time that the team would arrive to check on everything. So, you took your camera and started shooting ceilings, walls, and pillars.
You always thank god that you got to do what you love for a living. You're not religious, not at all. However, your father was a devoted Catholic and he always made sure to implement that in his daily life back at home. So, even though you're not religious you always go back to what your dad taught you. Prayers, specially, was the thing that you try to do sometimes. You don't care to whom it's directed to or if it will be answered or not. It just feels like you're having a part of your dad accompanying you everywhere you go.
The team arrived and the boys soon followed suite. San Jin was the first one to come and greet you.
"Good morning, boss!" He said as he smiled. His face was still asleep. You smiled at him. "Send me those pictures you took of us yesterday, please." He said.
"Yes, sure!" You said, "there's this picture of you guys I liked and I want you to post it on your twitter account." This was a decision you made as a media head not just as a friend. He nodded. "Now, the make up team is waiting for you." Everyone's already there. As they were getting their make up done you passed by and they all said hi.
Hours later the episode was already shot and you were to go back to edit everything out. You were anxious because in a matter of days, your very first episode would air. You heard that the teaser trailer did a good job but you haven't checked it though.
The boys were to go to the arena. This day it was Eun Ae who was going to handle taking pictures of everything. You were there with the editor helping him out. It never fails to make you feel weird that you're one of the youngest team members on tour and yet you're in charge of most of the tasks.
It took you 10 hours to be done with both parts of this series and you went down for a well-deserved drink. It was 4:00 am. You were tired, yet incapable of sleeping. So, you went down to drink some wine. You've always known that alcohol was bad for you. It had interactions with your medications but you drank it anyways. When you arrived at the bar, you saw Yeon Moon sitting and drinking what looks to be scotch on rocks. He looked lost. You approached him.
"Hi, Oppa." You said. He looked at you, all drunk. "Is everything alright?" You said concerned.
"It should be, Kaesolin." He whispered. "I just don't know anymore." These words. These words hit you hard. You know these words. You've lived these words. These words devoured you. These words were residences in your heart and they were too stubborn to leave. They latched on for long and it was hard for you to deal with them. All you did was sit next to him in silence. You know how silence sometimes works best. Your physical presence felt enough. Saying something incorrectly would make things worse.
"What's going on in your head right now?" You said calmly. He didn't respond at first.
"Shouldn't anyone my place feel extreme ecstasy because of what they do?" He said, "I am sick of falling into this numb spiral where I feel nothing." He paused. "When I go into this, I feel like everything is a task..." He took a sip of his drink. "It annoys me to fall into this because I feel responsible for lots of people's joy, and this stops me from reaching my fullest potential."
You knew quite well how it is. You've been struggling with mental illnesses all your life. You were genetically destined to it. You tried to handle it the way you liked it to be handled because that's all you know. That's how you've been dealing with yourself and with your family members when they fell down.
"I know how it feels." You sighed. "The thoughts that trap you in this cage and you feel like everything happy is outside that cage and it's either you try so hard or you can't. It's this relentless opposing force." He nodded at your words. He understood them. He felt them profoundly. You painted him a picture that he could understand.
"I know it well, and I understand that pain." You put your hand on his shoulder and patted him. "But that force has an opposing force, as well. And that force is you. Your mere existence, even if you're incapable of trying, is a force all in itself. All you need to care for right now is you because those people you feel responsible for will always be happy you're there. I am sure they would be happy to see you healthy, so, focus on that, oppa."
Yeon Moon lifted his head and looked at you. "Thank you, kaesolin." It was all that he was able to say. You felt the gratitude in his voice.
You said, trying to lighten up the mood, "You guys can call me Kae. You are stuck with me for sometime and I don't want it to be too formal." He faked a smile.
You knew it was but you know how hard it is to fake it when you can't make it. He put his head on your chest like a kid who wanted a hug. It was a bit shocking to you but you hugged him anyways.
"Let's go sleep, oppa, we've got a fan signing tomorrow morning." He stood up and walked all wobbly to the elevator. You got him to his room. He forgot his keys inside so you had to wake Nak Yum up for him to open. He looked worried.
"Is he alright?" He was too deep into his sleep he couldn't sense Yeon Moon going out.
"He is. Make sure he sleeps tight." You whispered.
"Thank you, kae." Yeon Moon said all drunk.
You smiled and left for your room. You felt like you wanted to suck his pain out, but you know how pain creates beauty. You know it too well it felt selfish of you to deny him the ability to feel such feelings. You hoped that you were of help.
You got into your room and slept for another hectic day to come. Your energy haven't faded, yet. You felt like you can do it. You felt like a functional part in this and you were willing to give it your all.