Watching the street lights, the blinking satellites above the sky accompanying the sea of stars that's barely hidden in thin clouds. The moons that look as if they are racing against each other, the glowing trees, the small lights from the windows, there will also be the occasional glowing jellyfish-like Praielies floating by. This view gives off a feeling of comfort and peace.
It was a serene sight watching the world at night, 10 hours of darkness will be the 10 hours of this wonderful and enchanting sight. It's like an unforgettable movie with 10 hours of peace. No random people outside, no vehicles moving here and there, and no noises from busy people talking with their phones. Only those place that has parties could be heard but even so, the blinking light and smiling faces would only further illuminate the beauty of the night. On this cold and damp night, sometimes snow would fall, some times fogs will appear but, tonight was different. It was a soft rain, a soft rain followed by some snow fragments. It was like nature decided that the lights of the world aren't beautiful enough so it gave some glittering paint. It was like nature wanted to capture the lights of the world at night inside those raindrops and snowflakes, producing a glitter-like effect that intensifies the artistic appearance of this world.
It was the perfect night, the night where the pinnacle of the night lights produced a rare phenomenon called "sparkling night", It was as if the whole city turned into a decorative globe. 10 hours of the beautiful night, a night that I wish would never end and a night I wish I never had. This night I was able to confirm something I always tried to run away from, although I already had some speculations I always deny the proofs in front of me. I never wanted to contact her because I know that this thing will be an inevitable event. It was decided from the moment she was conceived, everybody of her kind would always do it. I know it myself but I can't accept the fact, even though I don't have the right to refuse, but I still feel like telling her to not go.
Astrahumans, were the ones that have the capability to pass the astral border or gate, it was already set that any astrahumans should at least spend 6 years in an astral world to let their body adapt to the astral sailing or transfer, and the fact that Chloe was an astrahuman and an astral gate would be open for at least a month after our graduation is a chance too convenient to let go. I knew that the days she would spend in this world are already limited but I still hoped that her mom and dad would wait at least a year after graduation but, I don't have the rights nor reason to hope for it. In the first place, I already stood my ground on being independent and I would only treat my mother figure as my only relative. It was the hard truth but no matter how much I think about it, I still hope that what my speculations entail was just my overthinking but, no matter where I look at it, her leaving this place as soon as possible was the truth, from the very first day of the month until today she would always try to find a reason to start an argument with me, I already know that she was trying to find a chance to say something. From the time she would casually try to approach me but then back out, in the end, was a hint for me to ask her why, and then the time I saw that all the names on the draw lots were her name cemented the possibility of her wanting to talk with me because she would never want to participate in such lame and underhanded method just to be my project partner.
Now today, whenever she could gather her feeble courage she would try to tell that painful truth to me, and I kept dodging it hoping that it was just my imagination but, I know it...I just can't accept it, I can't accept it 7 years ago and I can't accept it now but who am I to refute her fate? It was destined since she was born, ever since she existed she was destined to go to the other side of that wall and I was destined to remain in this place until I die. No matter what a metrahuman does, they can never touch the astral. It would always repel them even if they tried entering forcefully, it would be like being pushed in a rubber-like substance. Even my father and grandfather lost their lives while trying to find a way to cross the astral. If only I wasn't a freak maybe I could've done something about us, but I know that she deserves the other side of the wall, I knew that if she falls into my hands it would be like an organic matter being born on a dying planet. Having a Metrahuman and Astrahuman form a relationship would be like those floating Praielies, they are only beautiful for some time but they lack a strong foundation, easier to die, and lacking any insurance of having the better genes. I was a freak born from a relationship between two kinds but I was the reason why my own family declined, I was the reason why my mother's whole family went missing and father took his last gamble... all to fix my body. Normally the offspring between both kinds would either be an Astrahuman or Metrahuman but I was an exception, I got the rare condition of being able to receive both advantages and disadvantages, being a creative and fast thinker, while being ill-tempered and eccentric, having a dense body but feeble build and being unable to cross the astral but able to benefit from astral medicines. I was a freak that was a Metrahuman that was almost able to cross but somehow was always stopped midway and cannot go on further. I was one of the "broken half" that got stuck in the middle of two kinds so I was now living in this hell.
The time I ran away, she always thought that it was because her family wanted to own every inheritance I received but, she never knew that I only wanted to get away from her so I would never fall any deeper than the hell where I was back then, it was just a mere child's mistake thinking that once I get far away I would just lose my interest with her but it seems it messed me up further. Even so, I still need to steel myself up and be independent because once I return I would never be treated the same, they took me in to take advantage of my family's technology, they kept me out of pity, and eventually, I was accepted and raised as their own. But because I know that staying would make me fall even towards Chloe I went away out of my own volition. using the sense of being wronged and taken advantage of in my childhood as the reason while ignoring the acceptance and care I received, I made my decision to leave and change.
I planned to return a better and stronger person, a person that does not need pity and especially a person that moved on from what I feel towards my own sister. I was in a moment of being confused and muddle-headed back then so I just grabbed what's the most important thing and ran away to say that I want to cut ties with them. They would probably think of me like an employee that once stole their property than a returning ran away relative because of the attitude I have shown. The others completely believe that I just don't feel that I belong to their family with the exemption of two-person, dad, he knew how I feel about Chloe so he talked with me 3 years ago. He tried to make it clear that even if I ignore the shame of having a relationship with a person I once called a sister, I should never ignore the shame of cutting a bright future for a person like her and so I told him the real reason that I ran away was to prevent anything of that sort happening between us. He was clear that he could have supported me but power and wealth lie beyond the astral gate and in order to continue their family foundation, I shouldn't limit her. And that old man she calls grandpa, he said as long as I cross the astral border or become the president then he would let me have a chance. All they care about is the survival and prosperity of the lineage of their family and I already accepted that truth that's why I gave up.
From the moment she was born, she was tasked as the future of their family and raised with all the care she can receive like a delicate flower. I knew that I would never have the rights to grab that flower so I always try to distract myself in every possible way but nothing can ever make me feel satisfied, I was trying to distract myself in order to forget her while she would occasionally pester my life, it's as if she was like a shadow I always ignore but would always follow me, but even though I wanted to let go. I would always expect her pestering as if it's something I need to complete the day and I feel that I would never be able to confirm my existence without a shadow. The moment I laid my eyes on her, not as a simple daughter of the person that raised me but a person that took my heart, was the day I lost myself in the abyss. She was always near but I know that once I get her she would become a piece of art hidden in a damp basement but once I let her go she would be like art sold in an auction. Given her talent and beauty, the moment she crossed that gate would be the moment that the people worthy of her would start to appear in her life.
I knew my helplessness so I can only try to temporarily forget my predicament by drugging myself and indulging in sex with people who could only resort to forgetting reality. But no matter what I do, I could never bend the truth. The truth that her departure was already near, her time staying here was limited and the chances of her falling for someone on the other side was as high as it can get, coupled with the fact that their family here only had her as an heir so it is unlikely for her grandfather to not find someone to arrange for her. It was the truth that was very hard to accept. We were just like the 2 moons above, our lives would always look like it was near each other but it will never collide.
I should just completely accept the truth, my love for her was just like the world at night, it would always be a beautiful image but I know it wouldn't be a good thing if it stays that way, at night some people died in their sleep, at night many people fall into depravity, at night many people met their misfortune, at night some people would be mistreated, at night people would hide their tears on a strangers embrace, at night people would hide from the world using bottles and pills. I know that like the beauty that I saw in the world at night was just me trying to see what I wanted to see and ignoring what I deem harmful thoughts, just like the part of me believing that I could prove them wrong once I made Chloe mine but, I know how ugly the night could become, I know how hard it is to endure the night with the feeling of worthlessness and being helpless.
I was sinking into depravity born by the fact that I lack the potential to shine because of the limitation that was forced unto me upon my birth, and I know she would experience the same thing once she was limited by me. Once she chooses this world over the other her worth will never be defined. The beauty of the night lights, the phenomena that occurred, in the end, are just beautiful things to look at if you ignore the ugliness of reality, and who I wanted to get was, in the end, someone I never deserve in the first place. Right now I should face the truth, It's always better to be ready when she's going away rather than being oblivious of her departure. Now that everything's clearly against me from the day I was born, I knew that I would never have the right to fall in love with her, I should just accept the fact, I should just accept that she would go, that she would eventually understand her worth and what she deserves. I knew it so once I get inside origin, I'll recreate her inside there, I'll recreate the most perfect person I ever met in my life so that even if I can't have her in this world, at least I'll be able to have her in my world.
Micheal – "So Loe, when are you going?"
Chloe – "What when am I going?"
Micheal – "You know already what I'm talking about, you been dying to tell this morning right?"
Chloe – "Well..."
Micheal – "Well, what?"
Chloe – "How about I surprise you?"
I suddenly felt a stinging pain in my heart while a painful memory played in my mind because of those words. Those were the exact words I told her moments before I ran away, it was the time she asked me when will I return.
Micheal – "Oh! you're copying my line, you think I'd try to stop you? It's not like you're running away like me though."
Chloe – "Oh, you still remember that? We're just playing okay when you suddenly decided to run away, you told me you'd surprise me, surprised by what? By suddenly disappearing forever?"
Micheal – "Did I disappear forever?"
Chloe – "You did,... you've changed so much to the point that it feels like you're not you, it feels like you're not the person I know."
Micheal – "Huh? Do you think I am not allowed to grow and mature? We've spent 4 years not having any decent talk, you can even count in hands the times we've met in person, you think you'd be able to adapt to the changes that happen to me, Even puppies would forget their parent if they grew up far away right?"
Chloe – "But your changes,... I feel it's not maturity but something bad."
Micheal – "Wait, aren't we from the same school, you should have some vague ideas about how I am doing since you were close with Christina, I thought she always talks about me?"
Chloe – "I-I, I never believed her, I never believed those rumors about you because I always thought that the issues about women were just baseless rumors. I believed those rumors about drugs and machines were to defame you because of your grades. I always thought that you were ignoring them because that's what you'd do, ever since we were kids you never cared about anyone's opinion. But when I accidentally saw you bringing a girl inside your apartments' elevator, that's when I doubted my own belief about you. Then I saw those gadgets that look similar to exclusive tools in the mansion in my classmates' houses, I found out you sold them after asking. I even heard from Rachel that the things that you purchase from her were considered extremely dangerous. I-I wanted to know why? Why did you turn like this? I always believed that you'd never do those things to those people. I always thought you'd never stoop so low to take advantage of others as to sell replicas of our families' machines. I never expected you would even start making those substances. Why? what happened to you?"
Micheal – "Life happened."
Chloe – "I'm serious! I wanted to know...why did you become like this? Is it because of my family? Is it because I'm always ostracizing to you? I want t-to help."
*I can't answer, fuck me, shit, oh my fucking god, I got royally fucked this time, what am I thinking about that fucking accepting the truth, I don't know what should I say now.
Micheal – "Can't you just accept that people change? It's not like there are reasons needed for someone to change."
Chloe – "That's not it, you're lying. Well, maybe you think you don't need to tell the truth to someone who would be away for a long time right? Yes this isn't important for you but this is very important for me, tell me why, please!"
The moment she finished her sentence she suddenly used her key card to put the hover on autopilot, she pressed a random recommended course then looked at me straight in the eye. She was wearing a smile that was as serene as the night that was shown outside the windows, it was the smile of the same face I fell in love with since young. It was a smile that made me feel I was being greeted by the stars. but her eyes, her eyes contain all the bottled up emotions. courage, sadness, frustrations, and confusion. Her eyes resemble the sparkling night, a rare beauty that hides the ugly truth, the eyes that were ready to release tears no matter whether I speak or stay silent, it doesn't matter if I tell the truth or lie to her. She was ready to cry no matter what.
Now I found out some things I wasn't able to realize earlier. She was also like the world at night hiding her struggle by acting tough, she hides her softness by acting selfish, rather than showing the "ugliness" of her wanting to have a normal kind of life. She would just embrace what's beautiful in her, she would always embrace the image of a perfect girl and hide the desires of being a normal person. Just like those eyes. Trying to hold back everything to not look weak but unknowingly shows a sight that invokes a warm sense of pity that could melt a block of ice.
This was the reason I was never able to let go of this messed up life, it was for the beauty of lies. Even though the truth hidden inside was ugly, at least the lie was beautiful enough to be worth it. Even though I know the struggles happening in the world at night, it never hindered me to appreciate these 10 hour of temporary solitude. I have a belief if lies are beautiful enough that it could make people forget it is a lie, then no one will ever need the truth. Even though I know that inside that beautiful eyes was a flooding emotion born out of my actions, I still want those tears to be worth a beautiful lie, a lie that would fix everything, I don't want her to know that I became like this because of my feelings for her.
Micheal – "It's because I realize my worthlessness... you see, I'm weak, I'm a nobody inside the mansion, I'm still a nobody outside the mansion. So I created someone like an alter ego, I forced myself to interact with people, I forced myself to socialize with strangers until I got used to it, I wanted to have my name so I used my talent and skills, I became a machinist, a chemist, I became a person that could connect the surface and underground, I attended parties, met more people, then started hooking up with girls that I just met. Eventually, I met people like me, people that feel their just a nobody in someone's life, I felt a sense of familiarity while spending time with them, they were people that's hiding behind their masks while holding a great deal of weight inside their mind, people who wanted to escape reality by companionship, fake love, gaming or some sort of hobbies. I feel like some sense of identity whenever I find someone that taps the same frequency as me and so I wanted those people to at least get away from the abyss, I wanted to do things that'll remove them from whatever is holding them back down, and help them face the truth they can't accept and push them outside the cycle. Some of them had trauma, some had family issues and others just think they don't have much value in life, I'd try to talk them out of whatever state they are in, I'll be mediating their worries, I created drugs that were supposed to just let the user bring out the hidden emotions and let it go until the resentments and negativity runs out, I made drugs that'll bring out the joy that they are keeping inside, drugs that'll suppress negative emotions, I practiced my self made theories about maximizing the benefits of sexual intercourse not as a means of pleasure but as a means of giving relief. So basically I'm just trying to save others through words, sex, or drugs while sinking deeper."
Chloe – "But why? Is it necessary to destroy your own life? Is it supposed to be like that? Can't you just do some counseling? Can't you just be friends? Why sex? Why drugs? Shouldn't you help yourself first before you help them? Shouldn't you be the role model? They were able to live without your help, then why do you need to do those things for them? If you have matured you should've been putting importance on yourself but why? Why are they more important than you?"
It was the first time I heard her being selfish, showing an extremely rare image of her with tears falling from her eyes that were born from agitation, anger, confusion, sadness, pain... there was so much negative emotion but her demeanor shows extreme resolution as if she'd never let me live if she wasn't satisfied with the answer.
Micheal – "I told you, I created an ego to hide my worthlessness and I was able to find satisfaction in helping those that can be saved."
Chloe – "Why? Why are you bothering them if they don't need to be saved? Can't you just let them be? Can't you just be satisfied with yourself? Can't you just go back to our home and prove that you're not worthless? Can't you just prove it? Your good at making medicine, your good at making machines you're also the pride of our campus, I'm sure grandpa will be proud of you, mom and dad were already proud of you, why can't you just return? Why do you keep pretending like someone you are not? Why?"
I was starting to feel annoyed about her constant asking for a reason so I just told her the things that come in my mind while slightly raising my voice.
Micheal – "Why can't you understand that I just can't return like nothing ever happened? Can't you understand what I did? Can't you understand what was the meaning of why I was doing what I'm doing? I was already beyond saving, I just wanted to prevent others from being the same, I know my worthlessness, I know what I lack, I know that I can never have the power to get what I desire, and I only have nothing but a fake identity and a bunch of problems, the moment I run away was the moment I accepted the truth, the truth was I never had a family of my own, I never had something of my own, I don't even have a life of my own, if I wasn't saved because of my inheritance I wouldn't have lived, if I wasn't being pitied back then I would've been thrown away, if I didn't steal this thing I wouldn't even able to run away, I can't even cross that god damn astral gate, now what do I have? I have nothing...at least me right now has something, at least me right now have some worth, at least me now can somehow help those people so that they'll never be reduced to what I am right now, I'm just a nobody in everyone's story but at least now I could help sad people and be happy together with them, even just for a while, at least I could pretend to be the main character of my own story."
Chloe – "Don't you have me? Why? Aren't you something to me? Aren't you important to me? And why can you help them? Why them? Are they the only one that needs help? Are they the only one that's sad? Are they the only one that makes you happy? Aren't we happy back then? Aren't we supposed to be comparing heights? Aren't we supposed to be going to school together? Living life together? Are they the only ones that are sad? Why can't you see that I'm sad like them? I know that you're not so dumb as to not know that I miss you, I missed you but why are they more important than me?"
Micheal – "It's not as simple as who's more important than who, It���s also not as simple as who I was able to be happy with–."
Chloe – "Is it sex? Is it because you want me?"
Micheal – "THE HELL! of course not! It's-."
I inhale deeply until my limit to release my agitation because I was pissed off and annoyed about what she said, partly because of her sudden and blatant way of saying as if she was sure about her guess and partly because I felt a sense of guilt as if she was able to hit some spot when I heard the words she said. She suddenly went silent when she saw my reaction, it seemed her tantrum was eased a bit when she realized I'm reaching the limit of my patience. I can't deny how attractive her sense of caring to the point that even right now that it seemed she was already reaching the limits of her patience too but she still remained silent to make me ease my anger. Even so, her being silent doesn't mean she's stopping her cries though. There was a considerable amount of silence aside from the sound of deep breaths and occasional sobbing, if this sound was recorded then it will be something to ponder about but this isn't something to think about right now. Right now I already eased my tension, but before I can even speak she already shot me with accusations.
Chloe – "Aren't I correct? You would always do that with anyone, you would always have someone, you would always have a new person to bring home whenever you go to a party, is it because of sex?.... Is it because when you go home you would do things to me?"
I took another deep breath, to be honest, I'm in the middle of laughing and crying right now, It's like my anger meter, laughing meter and depression meter are all one hundred out of one hundred.
*Do I really look like a person that would eat up my own family because I was depraved? Do I even look that depraved? Are you really throwing a tantrum or just turning me into a criminal? But at least I can feel her breath stabilizing.
She seemed near the end of her tantrum while wiping her tears she suddenly spoke in a slightly raised voice with her eyes wide as if she was telling the truth.
Chloe – "Why can't you say anything? Because it is true? Just because of that? You drug people and sell machines just for sex? Is it really important to you?"
Micheal – "How can I-ha ha."
Even before I was able to form a sentence I was not able to hold back my laughter, I wasn't able to hold back some tears either. I was so pissed off I don't know I just laughed as to not yell or say anything overboard out of anger. I immediately held my hand signaling stop to her, I wipe my tears and put my hand down then she suddenly started her tantrum again.
Chloe – "What are you laughing at? Your guilty? You lost some screw or something?"
Micheal – "No its- haha, I mean, mhhm Just, how can I phrase this,-...Well how can I say anything when you would suddenly accuse me as if I only stay alive because of sex, and, it's really confusing thinking about how you ask me why did I become like this to suddenly accusing me like I harass every woman I see. We were having already an emotional talk and that time I almost lost my cool you actually accused me of the same thing, seriously, just calm down for a bit, you were only asking me the same question over and over again, I know you want to point out something but can't you just point out what it is? If we continue this pointless argument then what's the point of pointing... well whatever just can you be a little more direct?"
Chloe – "You-... What do you want from me?"
Micheal – "Well... I want to settle things with you, I want to mend whatever is left even though I really can't promise to change myself but,.. wait, what? Why are you asking me that? Aren't I the one that's supposed to ask that? You were pushing me baseless accusations what do you want from me? Confess something I'm not?"
Chloe – "Why do you still deny it? Isn't it because you were able to have sex with other people when you run away that's why you never returned?"
I was starting to feel real anger towards her accusations to me so I coldly asked her.
Micheal – "Can we drop this? It's not funny anymore."
Chloe – "Just say it? Do you want to do "it" to me? Is "it" the true reason why you brought me here? Is "that" the reason you took me away?"
Micheal – "Huh? First, you were the one who went inside the vehicle so I did not bring you here, and secondly, I just prevented you from being taken advantage by someone."
Chloe – "Then what? Do you want me in exchange for going home? You want me to give myself to you?"
Micheal – "Shut.....I don't know what kind of sick thought you're having but I want silence, just stay here."
I was so angry that I stood up and walked out immediately to cool myself down.
*I don't know what kind of fucking spoiled beer she had but I'm out.
She was crying while her arms was around her face.
When I went outside the vehicle to ease my tension when I saw where we stopped. It was an average motel known for having high quality for a cheap price, couples were walking in and escort waiting outside. My anger towards her attitude was suddenly quenched but I was still not able to make heads how are we able to arrive here.
*Oh shit! That's why she's acting like that,...