Pre-examinations were already over. I survived the stressful week somehow, and it was a miracle for Toma to survive too. When we were already on our way back to our dorm to take a rest, Toma told me about his other friends that invited him to a party.
"They wanna celebrate that the exams were over, though there's still another examination coming again after two weeks."
"That's cool. Have fun there."
"Don't you want to come with me?" I'd like him being polite by asking me that, but I never really enjoyed parties. And I wasn't even invited there, so…
"Nah, I'm good. I think I'll just sleep the whole night because exams drained me."
"Aww I really wanted to go with you though." He said, looking really down.
"We always hang out. Don't you get tired of seeing my face all the time?" I know he really likes me to be with him, but I think he'll get tired of me eventually.
But then, he grabs my arm which made me stop for a moment and stare at him. "...I can never, ever, get tired of you." He said, looking like he have said it with all sincerity.
Ah, there he goes again, making me feel weird.
But why does he suddenly act like this?
I don't want false hopes but… sometimes, at times like this, I just want to assume he actually-
"Hah.. hahaha, what are you so worked up about? Just have fun at the party, I don't have to be with you all the time." I told him.
'No.'
"…ehh... okay." He scratched his head with a disappointed face.
'This isn't right, Yuji.'
"I was hoping you'd say you'll come after I say those embarassing words."
'Just… no. Don't think of anything weird, Yuji.'
"Pfft, yeah. Just shut up." I tried to put on a face so I could hide what I felt that moment. I tried to smile, joke, and laugh with Toma the whole time until he left for the party. And when he's finally gone, the mask on my face was set aside.
Tears started falling down my cheeks. I couldn't breathe properly. My heart feels like it's about to jump out of my chest. I feel so confused and stupid!
"Damn it, what's there to cry about!?" I couldn't understand myself either.
Just like what I said a hundred times before, I don't like this feeling! I don't want to like a guy! I don't want to feel this messed up! I don't want these feelings to exist anymore! I don't want to fall for Toma! I don't want him to be disgusted about me! I don't want to lose him!
But...
There's always those times that I think... and hope it's true, even though it'll be impossible. And fucking unacceptable.
"Argh! Fuck it." I laid down on Toma's bed again, just laying there while I could smell his scent and hug his pillow. I was too stressed at the time and didn't noticed that I fell asleep when I got comfortable in Toma's bed.
Then something woke me up in the middle of the night, and it reeks of booze and a familiar scent. "…Toma?" He was infront of me, looking a bit drunk.
"I'm back, Yuji."