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THREE DAYS OF GRIFFON
Comedy
Jay Han-San
2020
EXT. JUNGLES - NIGHT
FADE IN. Jungles. Dark night. Some shitty place snakes and gorillas. SOUNDS of wild animals. We see our super agent JACOB "GRIFFIN" GRIFFITH (38), in his tactical camouflage all green with face covered with dark paste. He's heavily armed and ready. He's in some bushes hiding. He is looking into his sniper scope.
IN THE SCOPE: A close up on a villa house in the jungles with lots of security guards. A MAN with a face of a really bad guy is in his shirt drinking whiskey and smoking a cigar. He's talking to other nasty conspirators around a table with AK-47s and hand pistols.
JAKE
(whispering)
Cougar, this is Griffin. I have eyes on the target. What's your ETA? How do you read me?
COUGAR (VOICE OVER)
Griffin, this is Cougar, we can't find the way to the villa. It's all so confusing here.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Inside a car. A DRIVER and COUGAR (40s) in the passenger seat with a paper map. He looks like a regular business person in suit with briefcase and a paper map. And they look like they're lost. COUGAR keeps turning the map.
JAKE (OFF SCREEN)
Did you try Google maps?
COUGAR
(into phone)
No reception here. Can't connect to the Internet. Wait... Got it. ETA 2 minutes.
Cougar shows the driver where to turn.
EXT. BEACH ROAD - NIGHT
We follow a taxi with "NASSAU TAXI" sign moving on a nice asphalted road with signs - "VIP BEACH VILLAS ON THE LEFT".
Shot ends on the sign.
EXT. JUNGLES - CONTINUOUS
Jake is watching in his scope again.
IN THE SCOPE: There is a movement at the villa. Door opens Cougar enters and shows his badge. Everyone runs. Only the bad guy is being cuffed. Cougar turns towards the scope. Lifts his hand with the phone.
COUGAR (VOICE OVER)
Nice job agent. We've got him.
INT. PLANE - DAY
Cougar and Jake are on the plane. They sit next to each other both in civilian clothes.
COUGAR
Bootlegging. Prostitution. We have him. 5 girls are ready to testify. You did good, agent Griffith.
JAKE
This is my last assignment. I'm being transferred to the State department. No more stinky hotels, no more jungles, no more shady assholes. Just me, my desk and a mini basketball.
COUGAR
You're gonna miss it.
JAKE
I'm 38, no flat, no car, no wife, loans and bad liver. 17 years in ATF that's enough.
COUGAR
Well, hope you'll like it in Washington.
INT. STATE-DEPARTMENT/OFFICE - DAY
SUPER: LINDON GRAM, HEAD OF SECTION, STATE DEPARTMENT, WASHINGTON.
Office with a flag, State Department sign and symbol on the wall. A tense face of HEAD OF SECTION, LINDON GRAM (55). Tough guy with a face of a constipated kid. He's reading something in a thick file. Removes his reading glasses, wipes his eyes and lifts his head to see --
-- JAKE opposite him in a chair across the table with family photos.
GRAM
It says here that your call sign is GRIFFIN. Isn't it your last name?
JAKE
It's Griffith, my last name is Griffith, sir. And yes, my call sign was GRIFFIN, or GRIFFON, OR GRYPHON witg P-H--
GRAM
You've got an impressive file here. Served with the marines, wounded in action, transferred to Arms Tobacco Firearms and Explosives with highest commendation. You spent the last 10 years chasing bootleggers, smugglers of rare books and cultural artifacts. What's that exactly?
JAKE
You know, rare books, or stolen pages from old books--
GRAM
So you know about books. That's pretty handy.
JAKE
It's a bit more complicated than just books.
GRAM
Hmmm. You know, I don't have anything for you here in Washington, but I might need your book skills on a special assignment in Estonia.
JAKE
Sir?
GRAM
Estonia. There is a new international library at the university.
JAKE
Library? Like with real books?
GRAM
That's right. The President himself took part in the opening ceremony two years ago. They have multinational staff from all over the world. And we had our guy until recently.
JAKE
What, he was reassigned or something?
GRAM
No, he died.
JAKE
What happened to him?
GRAM
That's something you will have to figure out. Patrick, that was the poor guy's name. Died on duty.
JAKE
Killed?
GRAM
Not really. He was sucked into a ventilation shaft under the library. Nasty death. Blood everywhere. It took couple of weeks to get rid of the smell in the building.
JAKE
What you want me to do, sir?
GRAM
I want you to go there and be our eyes on the ground so to speak. Mingle, get to know everyone, like Chinese, Russians, Iranians, Mexicans.
JAKE
But, sir, I thought--
INT. PLANE - DAY
Jake is on a plane to Tallinn. He's in a coach class with an old WOMAN, MARGARET 86. His face looks dull. Her face is happy or medicated, or both.
MARGARET
(to Jake)
You know that there are 124 ways to make pancakes.
JAKE
Ma'am, I really don't--
MARGARET
The first one, you take only one egg...
Jake puts his earbuds in and make the music louder. Music is playing - KINGS OF LEON - DON'T MATTER.
Time-lapse footage of plane push-back from the gate--
--take-off
--Jake is sleeping and Margaret keeps saying something.
--Jake is having his food on the plane, Margaret keeps talking
--external landing footage of the plane in Tallinn Airport
SOUND of full-stop. Passengers get from their seats and start getting their bags from the overhead compartments.
MARGARET
...and there is one way to make pancakes I love the most...
Jake unbuckles, gets up, gets his bag and leaves.
EXT. TALLINN AIRPORT TRAM STOP - DAY
It's a tram stop attached to the airport building. Jake is standing there with his bag. Tram arrives. He gets in.
INT./EXT. TRAM ON THE MOVE - DAY
Jake is sitting in the tram looking outside. We see the footage of the city. Nice old town. Parks, electric scooters, shopping malls.
EXT. APARTMENT - DAY
Jake leaves the tram in front of an old apartment building. Tram drives away. Jake looks at some paper and then at the building. Walks in.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Jake is in the apartment. He puts his stuff. Small 1-bedroom. He checks the window. Thinks. Grabs his keys.
INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY
Jake is walking through the shopping mall. We see a reel of him entering one shop, leaving, then next, leaving, and once again. He's not carrying any bags.
INT. FOOD COURT - DAY
He is with a tray of Burger King. Eating his burgers, fries and Pepsi. We shift to see the small bag with a shampoo sticking out of it on the table next to him.
EXT. LIBRARY - MORNING
It's a nice contemporary library building, looks brand new and all shiny. Big SIGN: "THE INTERNATIONAL LIBRARY CENTER, UNIVERSITY OF TALLINN"
INT. LIBRARY / LOBBY - MORNING
Jake is a main hall. Looking around, head up. Eyes on the ceiling. A WOMAN, library director, KATLIN LENNART (55) comes to see him. She's wearing some very extravagant outfit, she looks like a half pilled banana wrap with a coconut hat and the oranges on her boobs.
DIRECTOR
Mr. Griffith.
Jake centers his head to see the woman from a fruit convention.
JAKE
Yes, and who are you?
DIRECTOR
Oh, I'm sorry, Madame Lennart. But you can call me Katlin. I'm the director.
They shake hands. She invites him to walk with her through the hall. Jake feels eyes on him. Many pairs of eyes.
DIRECTOR
Let me show you around. I know that you start tomorrow. Today we have a tour of first year intake students, biology and medical sciences mostly, thought this disguise will be appropriate for their themed tour...Over here.
She points into a door with the sign: "EMPLOYEES ONLY".
INT. OFFICE - DAY
It's a small office, desk, cabinets, window, The wall is half windowed, sames as the door. No blinders. You can see the hallway. That's it. We see Director and Jake approach the door from inside the room. She opens the door and let Jake in.
DIRECTOR
So, this is your private office. I know what you think.
She looks with anticipation at Jake. Nothing. His face expression doesn't change.
DIRECTOR
Big, right? We tried to make it comfortable for all of our P-Rs, permanent residents. The toilets and the canteen are down the hall.
Her phone buzzes. She looks at the screen.
DIRECTOR
Oh, the tour is here. I'm so excited... See you tomorrow.
She leaves. Jake looks frustrated. He settles in the chair. There's no computer. No papers, no basket, no pens. Nothing. It's a blank office.
INT. CANTEEN - DAY
Medium-sized canteen with coffee machine, fridge, as usual. Can accommodate like 10 people at once. One table for 5 people. Jake's head appears in the doorway. He sees--
-- an Indian woman drinking tea, reading some documents, flipping pages. That's GITA (45), Indian intelligence, specializes in linguistics and martial arts. Jake enters.
JAKE
(smiling)
Hi.
Gita sees him and stops flipping pages.
GITA
American?
JAKE
How did you know?
GITA
Your watch are on the Washington time?
Jake checks his wristwatch.
JAKE
Oh, yeah. Forgot to change it.
He starts adjusting the watch.
GITA
I'm Gita Kapur, from India. Not Bangladesh, not Sri Lanka.
Jake goes to the coffee machine. On the counter-top there are many white china cups with university logo.
JAKE
Can I use--
GITA
Yeah, go ahead. These are for everyone. They do not allow personal cups here.
Jake takes one cup, checks if it's clean and puts it in the coffee machine. Pushes the button. It's so LOUD, you can't even hear people speak, when the machine is grinding the beans.
JAKE
Why?
GITA
What?
JAKE
(shouting)
I said why they don't allow per-so...
The machine stops. The end of his phrase is heard.
JAKE
...ANAL CUPS.
Gita looks at Jake with distrust.
GITA
I've got to go. Idiot.
She leaves.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Jakes comes back to the office to find --
-- CHEN (30) Chinese Intelligence, under his table.
JAKE
Can I help you?
Chen's head appears from under the table.
CHEN
Oh, hey. I think I lost my pen.
JAKE
Under my table?
CHEN
I thought this office is vacant.
JAKE
Not anymore, my name is Jacob Griffith.
Chen stretches his hand.
CHEN
Chen. Asian section.
He leaves very quickly.
JAKE
I see.
LATER: Jake is at his table with 7 or 8 spy hidden microphone bugs on double tape, duct-tape, some on screws, all in front of him on the table, all different types, sizes, shapes, some with Chinese characters, some with Cyrillic, some with unknown. He gets his backpack and puts them inside.
The moment he does this a woman gets in. Blond Slavic features. Red dress, red shoes, extra makeup. It's TATYANA (29), Russian Intelligence. She starts flirting immediately, with a very low success.
TATYANA
Hello. I heard you are the new addition to the male collection in this female kingdom, or I should say queendom?
JAKE
Ah, it's kingdom in both cases. I'm Jake.
TATYANA
Tatyana.
JAKE
Aha.
He pushes the backpack to the side.
TATYANA
Where are you from Jake?
JAKE
Florida.
TATYANA
Do you want to join us today for the drinks at the pub, Jake from Florida?
JAKE
You, who's you?
TATYANA
Me and my colleagues. One of our librarians is having a birthday party.
JAKE
I... I don't know.
TATYANA
Come, it will be fun. We will have deep conversations, you know us, we know you in details. Alright?
JAKE
What time?
TATYANA
Nineteen hundred o'clock. Come to my Hole.
She winks at him.
JAKE
Excuse me?
TATYANA
Hole. The name of the pub. You know, like the round...shape...the hole.
JAKE
Yeah. 7 pm, in The Hole, okay.
She air kisses him and disappears.
Jake opens the bag again to check the hidden bugs.
EXT. APARTMENT - DAY
Jake is examining the microphones. One by one. We circle around Jake to see a reel of time-lapse of him in front of the computer. The pictures of hidden microphones with flags of Russia, China, India and other countries are on the screen.
INT. THE HOLE - EVENING
Jake gets into the pub. It's a nice pub with lots of customers, truly international community. Bar counter is decorated with all sorts of flags. The Photos of guests.
Jake sees the table of ladies, Tatyana is one of them.
She waves to him.
TATYANA
Jake from Florida, come here.
He approaches. Big table for 8-10 people. We see several ladies: Tatyana and Gita. CLAUDIA (34) German Intelligence, SIMONA (35), French Intelligence, ZULIA (28) Iranian Intelligence.
TATYANA
Girls, this is our new colleague, Jake from Florida. America. United States.
And she winks to everybody one by one.
SIMONA
Oh, American. Welcome to International Library. I'm your French counterpart, the natural science section.
This is Claudia, Zulia, Gita.
Jake smiles.
GITA
Hi. One more time. No talking about anal in this hole, okay?
Jake narrows his eyes.
CLAUDIA
What are you doing in this small country? I thought Americans love big countries, like China for example. I'm from Germany by the way, economics and politics.
Chen comes with beers and drinks. Puts the tray on the table. He's all sweaty.
CHEN
Hi. Girls, no Sambuca today, okay. I don't want the karaoke again.
(to Jake)
Oh, hello. You decided to join us. Chen, as I already said, space and technology.
ZULIA
I am Zulia, Middle-Eastern Studies, Iran. You know this country?
JAKE
I guess so.
Two other guys come to the table. An old dude, MAX (60), British Intelligence.
MAX
Hello my fellow American. Looks like you met our pretty girls and our Chinese little friend. I am Maximilian, Max for friends and colleagues. Scotland. History.
All the girls smile, Chen makes a fake smile.
The other guy is Mexican Intelligence, RAUL (35)
RAUL
Welcome, welcome my neighbor. I'm Raul from Mexico, medical studies and biology.
The last one to the table is LISA (37) Canadian Intelligence. Beautiful hair, redhead. Nice body. She's good-looking, but a bit nerdy.
LISA
Hi everybody. Sorry I'm late. Had to finish my paper on Ancient Rome.
(to Jake)
Sorry, Lisa, Canada, international policy, environment and non-profits.
RAUL
Now the full NAFTA is here. Lisa from Canada, Jake from Florida, and me from Mexico.
TATYANA
What is your specialty, Jake from Florida? Anything interesting like the theory of orgasm?
JAKE
I'm in counterintelligence, insurgency and military studies.
Jake looks like he's having trouble understanding what the hell is going on. So the next thing he does. He puts a plastic bag with all the hidden mics in the center of the table. Everyone start looking away.
JAKE
Now, when we established that each one of you work for your countries' intelligence, tell me...What the hell is going on here?
MAX
Chen, what the fuck man, did you use the old transmitter? I told you never use the QRT-15. It's too bulky.
CHEN
Man, I forgot, sorry.
CLAUDIA
Oh my God, Chen did you use duct-tape? I can't believe this.
CHEN
It's German.
CLAUDIA
I know, but it doesn't stick, keeps falling. We tried with Tatyana in her bathroom.
JAKE
Hello-o-o.
Girls continue their arguments.
RAUL
Here we go again.
JAKE
(to Max)
Yo, MI-6, what the fuck is going on here.
MAX
Weren't you briefed?
JAKE
No. I'm not CIA or something.
RAUL
Really? FBI? Military?
JAKE
ATF.
CHEN
What? The cigarettes guy? Oh, shit, why would they send an explosives guy. Wait, did you bring any, C4, they do not allow us to carry any weapons, explosives. I thought.
JAKE
STOOOOOOOOOP! Everybody, shut up! Shut up!
Every narrow their eyes.
GITA
You could just ask--
JAKE
Shush. Shshsh....not a sound.
He gets up from the table, grabs the bag and starts leaving.
LISA
(to everybody)
I'll talk to him. Don't worry.
EXT. THE HOLE - EVENING
Jake gets out of the bar lits a cigarette. His face is red. He is overwhelmed. Claudia joins him.
LISA
Huuh. That was something.
Jake disregards her.
LISA
Look, it's gonna sound strange to you, but we are all here in the same boat. Our governments including yours has decided that cooperation is the only way to find the solution.
JAKE
Solution for what?
LISA
Well, I don't know what planet you are from, but as of 4 years there are aliens on this planet and we are kind of in a middle of an intergalactic war here.
Jake looks at her with his eyes wide open.
LISA
Yep. That's true. 4 years ago when your president got elected we signed a non-aggression pact with Skyponians.
JAKE
Spyke-what?
LISA
Skyponians. This is how they chose to call themselves. Actually it's very funny, the first call they did was through skype channel, that's maybe why they liked the name.
JAKE
I am out of here. You guys are like way out of your mind. I don't know what you've been smoking, but you better stop.
LISA
Okay, wait. Do you wanna see it?
JAKE
See what? Your crazy brain?
LISA
Naaa, one of them? Look across the street, see the woman.
Jake turns to see --
-- Margaret, the lady from the plane.
JAKE
Hey, I know her.
LISA
Arrived this morning. The pancake lady. She's from the foreign affairs office, keeps talking and talking. Take these.
She gives him reading glasses.
LISA
Just look through the glasses.
Jake lifts the glasses and then jumps back.
JAKE
What the hell?
LISA
Yeah, I know. Not the best intergalactic race we were destined to meet first.
JAKE
There are others?
LISA
Like a billion or so. All scattered across the universe. There's no end, just a catalog. You keep reading it, there are no pages, only bookmarks, you keep reading and reading.
JAKE
What do they want?
LISA
Wow, wow, don't ask me...I'm just like you, intel, cooperation, liaison, facilitation. Nothing more.
JAKE
But why they are here?
LISA
They need us.
JAKE
Humans?
LISA
No, the dogs. Of course humans. Florida, are you all that dumb in ATF?
JAKE
Hey, watch it.
LISA
Ok, ok, no offense.
JAKE
Why do they need us?
LISA
Food I guess. I don't know.
JAKE
What happened to the previous guy...what was his name.
LISA
Partick.
JAKE
Right, that one.
LISA
Oh, accident. Sucked into AC ventilation shaft. Unfortunate event. Still blood everywhere.
JAKE
Was he killed?
LISA
No, I don't know, maybe, you're right. I don't know. So they sent you here to investigate it?
JAKE
I am not sure.
LISA
Well, lets get back. It's freezing out here.