INT. THE HOLE - EVENING
Lisa and Jake are at a separate table.
JAKE
So, how does it work? Who is in charge of negotiations? What's our role? Rules of engagement, communication means--
LISA
Hold on a moment. Not so fast.
(beat)
Okay, so what I know. There were many attempts to negotiate the deal. All failed.
JAKE
Who was on our side? Who was leading the negotiations?
LISA
There was no our side. It was all different countries, different teams, it was a mess. Japanese, Chinese, Indians, Americans, previous administration, British, Germans, you name it. That's when they figured it out to go as a combo. One dreamteam Earth - and Aliens on the other side.
JAKE
Why are we keeping it so low profile then, no news, no conspiracy theories, nothing?
LISA
A-a-a, that's the funny part. Most of those conspiracy theorists are aliens.
JAKE
What? I knew it. I knew it.
LISA
Hey, I'm in this like two weeks. Everybody in this room are like WOW, WHAT THE HELL, LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
JAKE
What? You guys are intelligence, you must be like deep to ball sack in this shit.
LISA
I was in literary analysis in Toronto before they pulled me and dragged into this.
JAKE
Okay, then bring me up to speed on who's who?
We focus on the table. Max is sitting with his back and starts to turn slowly to look over his own shoulder, as if he feels that they are talking about him.
LISA
Okay. Me you already know. Max, UK, well actually Scotland, he is a military history professor from the MI-6 academy. He had been lecturing on the Art of War to the recruits when her Magesty decided to send him over here.
JAKE
I've got a feeling you're all from a book club.
LISA
Something like that. I do yoga coaching online sometimes.
JAKE
Good to know. What else? Tell me about Chen.
Focus on Chen, he is on a chair with his entire profile visible, but his eyes are in Tatyana's cleavage.
LISA
He's a tech IT guy from the Chinese Hong Kong station, he was about to quit his job to join a US based tech firm. So I guess this is how they punished him.
JAKE
Well, he didn't miss a shit. In Palo Alto he'd be programming and cleaning trays at Burger King. Whoo-haa!
LISA
I pictured that. Who's next?
JAKE
Gita.
Focus on Gita. She's is showing everybody her cat on the phone.
LISA
Oh, she's a scary motherfucker. Martial Arts instructor, so don't fuck with that Indian. But she's alright, keeps calling me at 2 am, she misses her cat.
JAKE
Oooh, boy. The KGB chick?
LISA
She's from some kind of science lab in Siberia, they sent her to make us look bad, cause her IQ is like a Himalaya mountain.
JAKE
So God does exist, he put a three digit IQ into a blond with the body of a goddess. Missed on the accent, but strangely in a way it is weird and sexy--
LISA
Hey...
JAKE
Sorry.
LISA
I think I lost you for a second.
JAKE
I'm back. Give me the middle eastern girl. By the way, how come she's not wearing any covers?
LISA
She's from Brooklyn.
JAKE
What?
LISA
Yeah. She used to be in the UN but then some strange swap happened. They sort of forgot about her. And now with all the travel bans and sanctions, she was the only one they could send.
JAKE
Yeah, but what's her specialty? Spy craft, bombs? No?
LISA
She's an archaeologist, used to dig the graves of old dudes.
JAKE
Hmmm. Not much. Simona, the French girl?
LISA
She's a mystery, nothing. I think she's a real deal.
Pause. We focus on Simona. She is looking straight at Lisa and Jake having her white wine.
LISA
So, and you? CIA, trade craft, special operations, and your cover is that you're and ATF guy. Am I close?
JAKE
No. I am from ATF Miami office. Smugglers, artifacts, bootleggers, gun control.
LISA
What? Really, that's so boring.
JAKE
I know, right. That's why I applied for a transfer to DC, State Department. But they sent me here.
LISA
Oh, almost forgot. Raul.
JAKE
Right, the chico latino.
LISA
Don't say that. That's very inappropriate.
JAKE
Don't worry, my grandmother is from Cuba.
LISA
Wow, can't say. Well, the ass. Maybe.
JAKE
Stop it. Give me the full on Raul.
LISA
Americans, you're 5 minutes in and you're trying to get over the control.
JAKE
Okay, I'm sorry. Lisa, please continue.
Focus on Raul. Sneaky face, eyes everywhere.
LISA
Raul. DEA, Federale, the super Mexican spy.
JAKE
Really?
LISA
No, he used to work for a liquor company and he's a friend with the chief of police and intelligence, well, couple of boxes of tequila and he got the job. Something tells me his wife is still unaware that he's in a different country. On the phone he keeps telling her that he's in Juarez on a guava plant.
JAKE
Claudia is German, I see that she's a loner.
LISA
She's just lost her husband.
JAKE
Really?
LISA
Patrick. Remember?
JAKE
Oh, shit, he was her husband?
LISA
Yep. They were husband and a wifey. German - American family.
JAKE
And she's BND?
LISA
Yeah, daughter of an army general. I think she used to be in HR, or in procurement. She doesn't speak much.
JAKE
Basically, nobody has any field experience.
LISA
None.
JAKE
And what's the plan?
LISA
Well, we thought you'd be the one with the plan, but the ATF thing.
JAKE
Wait a second. You are not serious about us negotiating the deal with the Aliens?
LISA
Wake up. We're the dream team. Earth United. The Tip of the Spear--
JAKE
Okay, okay, I... I'm just trying to figure out...
(pause)
What's the progress?
LISA
Well, we found the basement. Patrick did. Now he's dead.
JAKE
What's in the basement?
LISA
The portal. The communication tube. You have to stay on one side. Knock. And they come to meet.
JAKE
Did you see them?
LISA
Me, no. Patrick and Chen were the last who made it that far.
JAKE
So Chen. Let's talk to him.
LATER:
Chen, Lisa and Jake are at the table.
Chen is eating chicken ribs.
LISA
Tell him.
CHEN
What?
LISA
Tell him.
CHEN
Oh, the basement. Well, I wasn't there.
JAKE
What, did you go to take a leak?
CHEN
Well, I've got a weak stomach for alien shit.
He keeps eating ribs.
JAKE
We need to go down there.
CHEN
Like right now? Guys I just had a full dinner. I don't think it's a good idea.
JAKE
Pull the team. We're going down.
Lisa waves to the rest.
MAX
Really? It's happening?
INT. BASEMENT / CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Full team is in the basement corridor. Narrow path, long, low hanging yellow lamps.
GITA
I've got a bad feeling. Need to call my cat.
RAUL
Can you tell your cat to say Hi to my wife if we die in here?
GITA
She's a cat. Just a cat. And there is no reception here.
RAUL
I thought Indian cats can reincarnate and speak to the devil.
GITA
Shut up.
MAX
There is always a moment before the grand battle when it's a total silence, no words, no gun shots, only the death is sharping it's knife.
Everybody stop and look at Max.
MAX
I'm just saying...
TATYANA
So, anyone wants to share a bathroom with a hot blond before we all die?
CHEN
Yes, ma'am.
TATYANA
Except the short Asian guy. Anyone else?
She looks at Jake.
CLAUDIA
Tatyana, keep it together, please.
Zulia stops and prays.
TATYANA
If it's an international prayer, fill in for me please Zulia.
JAKE
Okay, what are the rules of engagement, any protocol. What's the name of their team leader?
SIMONA
I think somebody told me that they use some famous people's faces.
JAKE
Like Elvis?
SIMONA
Like Charles de Gaulle, for example.
INT. BASEMENT / THE BIG ROOM - NIGHT
Everybody's in the room next to a ventilation shaft.
JAKE
So, this is where it happened?
CHEN
Yep. Here's where we found him. Well, whatever left of him. It was all covered in blood, brain parts and--
Claudia start crying. Gita holds her.
JAKE
We've got a picture Chen.
(pause)
Now, what should I do?
MAX
Knock, maybe?
ZULIA
When you enter a tomb you better say hello first.
RAUL
There was that one time when I was bringing some aliens through a underpass in Tijuana--
The VOICE interrupts Raul's speech
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
Hello, my dear Earthians.
RAUL
What the fuck?
He starts drinking the bottle of sambuca he got from the bar.
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
Am I speaking the correct language?
JAKE
Yeah, ah...hi...yes. We can hear you.
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
Oh, cool then. I'll be right there in a sec.
They wait. Couple of seconds pass. Nothing is happening.
LATER:
SUPER: 2 HOURS LATER.
Everybody is bored. The bottle is empty. They are all drunk. Chen is playing mini dices. Tatyana is doing the makeup. Gita is doing her Japanese stretch. Max is reading. Raul is playing on his phone with Simona on the other side in the virtual checkers. Jake, Claudia and Lisa are at the tube.
LISA
Shall I call it again?
CLAUDIA
Na. It's useless. Let's get the hell out of here.
JAKE
I think it's a good idea. Almost midnight.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The half drunk, half sober international group is on the street outside. It's a bit cold, so everyone has a red face. They jump from one leg to another to warm up.
RAUL
After party? My place?
Everyone looks to each other. And they start raising hands one by one.
INT. RAUL'S HOUSE - NIGHT
It's a big house with lots of Mexican decorations. Tequila everywhere.
Raul and Jake with Gita are at the sofa.
RAUL
When I was a kid my dad used to say - Raul, when you grow up, don't forget to raise your kids like I did.
GITA
Like a smuggler?
RAUL
Yes, family business, traditions. You have that in India, right?
They fist bump.
JAKE
I used to catch guys like you.
RAUL
Peace, man. Want some cubans?
JAKE
I'd love to.
Raul hands him a cigar.
RAUL
Monte Christo, the blend of Guantanomo, the Cuban part.
JAKE
Thanks, man.
Music starts playing: COMPAY SEGUNDO - Guantanamera. And they start singing along. We fly around the house to depict everyone singing.
INT. CANTEEN - MORNING
Next morning. The canteen. Gita is drinking water from the faucet. She's hangover. Tatyana is in her whites, like if she's in a lab. Chen is a box in a gift wrap. Keeps shaking it and listen with his ear. Jake enter and goes straight to the coffee machine.
JAKE
Hi guys.
Everybody says hi.
JAKE
(to Chen)
What's are you doing? What's that?
CHEN
It was my birthday party yesterday, remember?
JAKE
Oh, right.
CHEN
Max gave me this. So I am just trying to guess if this is a bomb or a shaver.
JAKE
Did you try opening it?
CHEN
No-o-o. This will kill the mystery.
JAKE
Whatever.
Jake gets his coffee. And sits next to Tatyana.
JAKE
Did you see the director?
TATYANA
She's late. She's never late.
GITA
Maybe she's dead?
We see the Director coming through the corridor towards the canteen. Max is walking right behind her. The door opens and Director enters.
DIRECTOR
Good morning, my fellow Earthians.
Max turns around and starts running away.
CHEN
No. Nooo.
JAKE
Keep it cool, dude.
CHEN
It's a shaver.
We see he opened the box. Shaver inside.
JAKE
Did you just say Earthians?
DIRECTOR
Hehe. I knew you would shit your pants. Rexlax, I'm just fucking with you. Claudia told me about the last night.
JAKE
So, you're in it too?
DIRECTOR
Off course I am. I'm the director here. Estonian Intelligence by the way. But you can call me the facilitator of facilitators. 2 kids, divorced, I like kinky stuff.
Chen raises his head with a curious smile.
DIRECTOR
Not that kinky, little weirdo.
JAKE
We need a strategy session. Can you arrange it?
DIRECTOR
Sure. The big room in 5?...Oh wait, I've got a real meeting in 5. Let's make it half an hour to be on a safe side.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
It's big conference room. Everyone's there. Jake is at the whiteboard. He put two columns. Left: "What We Know" / Right: Question marks "???"
JAKE
Okay. Here we go. Let's write down what we know first. Anyone?
GITA
Like what we know, or what we think we know?
JAKE
Anything. Just speak.
GITA
They are slow.
JAKE
Why would you say that?
GITA
Cause, if I was a scary alien, I'd wipe this planet at go.
JAKE
Nice. Next...
CLAUDIA
They suck the shit out of bodies.
Jake writes: "We don't know shit"
DIRECTOR
Oh, they can speak our language.
JAKE
That's common.
Lisa raises her hand.
DIRECTOR
Oh, come on, we're not at school.
CHEN
But we still have a director.
JAKE
Yes, Lisa.
LISA
What if there is more?
JAKE
What do you mean?
LISA
I mean, if they wanted us dead, they'd probably do that already. So, there is something they need to know or want from us.
JAKE
I see there's only way we can find this out.
INT. BASEMENT / THE BIG ROOM
Jake, Lisa, Director are at the tube.
LISA
You do it.
DIRECTOR
Yeah, Jake, do it.
Jake knocks.
LISA
Do you think they'll reply?
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
Hello Lisa, Director, Jake. Hello my fellow Earthians,
LISA
They know out names.
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
Yes, I do know your names. I've got a list of employees of this library in front of me, with your picture.
DIRECTOR
Hey, that's internal information. And how the hell you can see us?
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
The camera? You installed it last year.
They lift their heads into the corner.
We see the shot from the black and white camera. The whole room is visible. The three come to the camera and start talking. No sound.
Back to the room:
DIRECTOR
Hey, there's no microphone.
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
That I know. I can also read your mind. You had a cereal with two eggs this morning!
DIRECTOR
Oh, shit. That's true and scary.
JAKE
Hey, listen to me. My name is Jake, as you may know. I represent the Earth.
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
I know you Jake. You did good on the Bahamas two weeks ago. Congrats.
Jake smiles.
JAKE
Thank you.
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
So, what's up?
JAKE
Well, first of all, what happened yesterday. WE kept waiting for like 2 hours.
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
Oh, right. I'm sorry. I went to the bathroom and you know, fell asleep, it was late.
DIRECTOR
Is he kidding us?
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
I feel tension. We don't want tension. I also feel a strong desire from that pretty Canadian girl towards Jake.
Lisa looks away to the wall.
JAKE
Hey, whatever your name is? We need some input on your visit. What do you want from us?
ALIEN (OFF SCREEN)
I'll send the negotiator. Bye.
Voice disappears.
JAKE
Wait! What? I thought you were--
DIRECTOR
I don't think he's listening. A negotiator.
LISA
And just to make it clear, I don't...I'm not
JAKE
What?
LISA
...nothing...forget it.
EXT. COFFEE SHOP / UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jake, Claudia, Gita, Max and Simona are at the ice cream shop outside the Library. Having their ice creams.
SIMONA
When did he say the negotiator should arrive?
CLAUDIA
We've been through this 15 minutes ago. He didn't say shit.
GITA
In any case, how will we recognize him or her?
MAX
Oh my God! This is some twisted shit.
GITA
What?
PATRICK (39) Claudia's dead husband is seen approaching them. Alive and brand new. Looking sharp. Cool sunglasses. Leather jacket. Jeans.
JAKE
Is that?
Claudia faints when Patrick approaches them, removes his glasses and winks at Claudia.
PATRICK
Hey guys! Hi honey!
SIMONA
Cheeeeeeeeen!