------------------- EPISODE 03 -------------------------
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Jake is on a skype call with Cougar.
Cougar is at home with his wife behind trying to change the diaper of their baby. She's turning the kid upside down. Powdering etc. Poop is everywhere. Her name is HONEY (30s)
COUGAR
Hey, buddy, what's up? Honey say hi to agent Griffon.
HONEY
Hi Jake Griffon Griffin Griffith.
JAKE
She knows my real name?
HONEY
I read it in your file.
JAKE
Dude, she saw my file?
Cougar is relaxed.
COUGAR
Don't worry, she signed an NDA. So, what's going on out there? Met any blond hot chicks?
JAKE
Well, there's been a development. Looks like we're in a middle of negotiating a deal with aliens.
COUGAR
(keeps turning over his shoulder to his wife)
Aliens. Haha. Hon, he said Aliens.
HONEY
Whatever.
COUGAR
Aliens, are you being serious?
JAKE
No fucking jokes. The guy who I am replacing died in an accident and just walked in on us. Like nothing happened. Aliens took his body. He's the negotiator.
COUGAR
Keep it casual with those aliens. ICE doesn't need to know that.
JAKE
I know, right. This is all so confusing.
COUGAR
Man, I know you for many years. You ate a sandwich on a dead body in ME's office, we had to jump off the cliffs and making unprotected sex. You'll be ok.
HONEY
I heard that.
COUGAR
Look, I gotta go, send me a postcard, will you.
JAKE
Wait.
Call is terminated.
JAKE
Shit.
Door opens and Patrick is in the doorway.
PATRICK
Hey, my American friend. Whadduup?
JAKE
Please don't say that. You're not American, you're not even from this planet.
PATRICK
Hey, wanna go grab a bite, I've got this dead body grilled.
JAKE
What?
PATRICK
Just kidding. The Hole, in 5?
JAKE
Okay. I'll see you there.
INT. THE HOLE
At the table. Patrick and Jake having lunch.
PATRICK
So, what's the progress?
JAKE
What do you want?
PATRICK
Nothing. We're just hanging.
JAKE
No, I mean you.. aliens. What do you want?
PATRICK
We came here with peace. We don't want to harm you. Just wanna check on you.
JAKE
We need more information.
PATRICK
Let's hang. You know, intergalactic neighbor get together party maybe. What do you think?
JAKE
Like a block party?
PATRICK
Yeah, chill, relax, eat some humans.
Pause.
PATRICK
Na, I'm just fucking with you. We're vegetarians.
JAKE
Really?
PATRICK
Fuck, no. But we eat stuff like Koolimangooritanmagaaraoket
JAKE
What's that?
PATRICK
It's a vegetable soup.
JAKE
Ha. Nice.
PATRICK
Yep. Love it.
JAKE
So, the block party. Friday?
PATRICK
Yeah. The Hole. I'll bring Elvis, the general De Gaulle, maybe some other famous guys and chicks. Make a list. You bring local food. We eat, talk, kill each other...aha...got you.
INT. CANTEEN - DAY
Everyone except Patrick is there.
JAKE
So, they wanna make a friendly get together.
CLAUDIA
Like a block party?
JAKE
Right.
CHEN
In China a block party is like 10 million people.
DIRECTOR
In Estonia, it's just you and your electric car.
JAKE
Anyway, they want us to bring the local food to share, they will bring famous people like Elvis, general De Gaulle and some other famous dead guys and chicks. And they will bring a....wait.
He gets a paper and starts reading.
JAKE
Koo-li-man-goo-ri--
DIRECTOR
Is it their poop?
JAKE
No it's a vegetable soup, like Vietnamese Pho.
CHEN
Why would you bring a Vietnamese soup to an alien block party? Who cares about--
JAKE
It's not...ah forget it.
TATYANA
Can I bring the AK-47?
LISA
Food Tatyana, food. Not guns. We don't want to scare them.
TATYANA
Okay, I'll bring borsch and pirozhki.
SIMONA
I'll bring wine. French one.
MAX
I'll brig me and my scotch.
JAKE
Anything else? Chen, noodles?
Chen doesn't reply with a look like if he's offended.
JAKE
Great, Chen food. Anything Canadian?
LISA
Like Maple syrup? I don't have any.
JAKE
Just take the Estonian one and say it's the Canadian one. They won't see the difference.
LISA
I will.
JAKE
Oh, come on guys. We're the dream team! This is our chance to show them we're good and friendly.
TATYANA
I'll bring the AK-47... The chocolate version.
GITA
Biriani, the spicy version. They are going to love it.
JAKE
Make it mild okay, we don't want Elvis farting all night. That will ruin my memories about the King.
GITA
Mild one, the Indian version of mild. Okay.
DIRECTOR
I'll do the famous stuffed potato with fish.
JAKE
Good.
DIRECTOR
The stinky fish. I am half Finnish, so this will be the one with delicious aroma.
JAKE
Alright. Then I'll bring the ribs, BBQ.
DIRECTOR
Aha, like those in The Hole. You won't even need to make them by yourself.
JAKE
Great idea. Zulia, what's famous in Iran these days?
ZULIA
Sanctions.
JAKE
I mean food.
ZULIA
How the hell do I know, I was born in Brooklyn.
JAKE
What's famous in Persian version of Brooklyn?
ZULIA
Chinese.
Chen starts laughing.
JAKE
Just bring something, okay?
ZULIA
Okay.
INT. THE HOLE - EVENING
Everyone is at the hole. Decorations: "Welcome to Earth, fuckers!". Patrick is mingling, talking to guests. Max and Jake enter.
MAX
I have a bad feeling. Something's not right.
JAKE
Looks ok to me.
MAX
Too nice. Chen did the welcome poster.
JAKE
We need to remove it.
MAX
I'll go talk to him.
Max leaves. Patrick comes to say hi.
JAKE
So, Patrick. Is it okay if I call you Patrick?
PATRICK
That's my name.
JAKE
No, it's not. You're dead.
PATRICK
I think this conversation is going well.
JAKE
Your people, are they coming?
PATRICK
Any minute.
Doors open and we see, Elvis and Clinton.