I stood up on my feet, trying to keep myself still as I dragged my feet to that one person who I dreamt of spending my whole life with but now, she is going to leave me. How can that even be fair? Tears continued to run down from my eyes. I slowly touched her hair, making her look up at me. Her eyes made me feel my heart tear into pieces. It was beyond any pain I have felt until then.
It was not too long before she became bound to hospital care. I made sure that she would be at the best of our Hills Hospital in New Jersey. But her body deteriorated at a rate that even her doctors were shocked. The chemo, radiation, and surgeries left her bedridden in a few weeks; I forgot about my life entirely. I was not attending classes anymore. I never left her bedside in the fear that I might lose her if I left her even for a minute.
One night, I sat there holding her hand in my hands as her mom fed her some soup as she was on a liquid food diet. Her parents were so thankful to me that I was making her last days happiest of all. But they felt more depressed whenever I cried every time she fell asleep, as I made sure to not ever cry in front of her.
She looked at me with a faint smile on her face and gestured to me to come closer; her mother backs away a little with a smile. I sat down on her bed, telling myself that I couldn't afford to cry. "Dyl!" her voice was as faint as a little bird. I leaned closer to her so I could hear her. She lifted her right hand, which had needles pierced in it. Every time I looked at her hand, a lump in my throat forced my eyes to fill up with tears. She placed that hand over my cheek, softly caressing it with her thumb.
"Hmm?" I answered. I was scared that if I said anything, I will lose control over my heart. "I love you so... " as she said, she starts coughing frantically. Now, I had no choice but to lose control over every restraint I had. "I know you do. I can't tell you how much I love you. Don't speak, baby! I can't see you like this..." Tears overflowed as I tried to finish the sentence.
"Promise!" she said, as she stopped coughing for once? The nurse sprinted in to assist her in getting the oxygen tube back into her nose. She gestures to her to give her a minute. "Promise what, baby? Is to love you always? I have no choice. I have no choice." Her mom was already breaking into tears, watching us suffer like this; Elisha was struggling hard to breathe now as she shook her head.
I looked at her in confusion, "then what is it?" She took my hand and mouthed, "Love again, live a good life! For me!" I couldn't believe for a second if she was saying that. How could she be this cruel to me after knowing me in and out? Is this what she wanted in a time like this? When I am trying my best to be as strong as possible for her?
I shook my head vigorously, trying not to cry out, nor breaking anymore than I had been from inside. "Promise or I die now!" she was refusing to put on the oxygen tube back on. I felt incredibly pressured; she was not doing the right thing, but I know she was doing it out of concern, but I knew I will never be able to keep that promise. How could I?
"I promise!" I said, she gestured to the nurse immediately to put the tube in, and she finally breathes normally, letting me breathe in relief. I was angry at her, but I knew I didn't have enough time to fight with her or express my rage or disagreement. I stood up and, hug her head close to my chest, breaking into tears uncontrollably.
I always slept in her room every night; her mom always insisted me to go back and rest. But I just had to watch her breath to feel calm. I stared at her every night as she slept out of sedation from all the medication. I desperately kept my eyes alert to see if she was continuing to breathe the whole night. There no bigger torture in the world than to watch the most precious person in your life who you thought will spend the rest of your life dying.
Michael visited now and then, check on her and me. He was very concerned if he will lose me too after she was gone. This hospital belonged to my grandfather during that time, he made sure she got every comfort and care needed, but there was not anything that anyone could do. Everyone who visited her stood there helplessly watching us suffer, and that enraged me even more. At life, at people, at everyone for having such perfect lives.
A week after she made me forcefully promise to move on, her condition deteriorated further. Her breathing got slower and shallow; her skin became discolored, she was suffering in and out, and watching her in that state made me want to scream out a lot. The last time she looked at me with all the love she had for me before she lost her consciousness was that night, I knew it was a goodbye, and as soon as her eyes closed, I screamed in pain that I couldn't fathom. Her mother and the nurse tried their best to keep me controlled, but nobody had control over what I felt.
She continued to breathe still with the help of a ventilator; we all knew it was useless. Her whole body has arrived at a point from where it couldn't return, not anymore. On June 29th, 2012, at 1:09 PM, the hospital withdrew all external care from her, helping her pass peacefully. I just sat next to her bed, not able to move or speak or even digest the pain that emanated from my soul, making my body unable to handle that pain.
Nothing came out, not one tear or a word or even noise. Her mother and my mother tried to get me to express something at all because they knew this had broken me beyond repair, and if I was not brought back, they will lose me too.
It was about a month after that I started indulging in my ways of finding a release to this pain. There was nothing in the world that eased my pain; so I took away my consciousness with all the substances that I could find, be it in the form of powder or a needle. I tried everything, but the pain just grew bigger and bigger. I twisted and turned in my bed in my sweat as I cried out in pain and shouted her name into the pillow.
The pain just didn't go away. My grandfather kept my grandmother and parents calm as he always told me about someone he loved as a young adult and lost. This suffering was something very personal, according to him. He made sure that I had my space to suffer till I found the way out of this tunnel. My mom tried to make me feel better, trying to hug me to stop me from going out and finding a way to get a dosage of release.
One of the hardest times in my life was when I was on the verge of breaking myself physically with an overdose a night, making me end up in one of our hospitals. The withdrawal almost killed me, and that is when I saw her again. I knew if I died at any point in my life, my soul will go searching for her as we search for light in the darkness. Every day when I closed my eyes on the hospital bed, fighting my urges, I saw her face shining like a bright sun smiling down on me.
I begged her to take me with her. But every time I tried to hold her hand, she kept reminding me of my promise to move ahead and love again. I screamed in pain every time her words echoed through my head, I begged her to stop, but her last look at me surrender every time. This continued for more than a year. My grandpa knew that I will rise above this at some point. He tried his best to make me feel loved even when it was impossible to be loved.
I was soon admitted to a rehab in the same hospital, meeting therapists after therapists to make me feel myself again. It took them many long hours, over months and months before I started college again. But this time, I was more determined, and I kept myself laser-focused and vowed to myself that I will close the part in my chest where my heart lived.
I never want to open that door again and let anyone in, even if I promised her that I will. And after a point, I stopped feeling that part of myself at all. Even after all these years, the only thing that echoes from that part of my soul is her memories and a feeling of hollowness that I ignored to a point that, it made me who I am today.
All things went well until my grandpa died due to cardiac arrest. I didn't know if it was a coincidence, but a month before he died, he took me to the estate where he kept the most precious objects that meant the world to him.
"I have room in here. It has everything that keeps that one person I loved the most alive the most. I want you to have this estate because I know you will understand what this means to me." He said, as he opened the room which was closed for years in that estate, which was all dusty and covered in white sheets, but I could see, it all belonged to a woman. I picked up a laminated picture which had a beautiful woman holding a man who resembled a lot as I do.
It didn't take me long to realize that my grandpa was asking me to keep his love story that he carried in his heart alive. "I promise, grandpa! She looks so beautiful." I said, turning to look at him. He smiled at my answer, and I am sure he died peacefully, knowing that I will keep his word.
In his will, he left the estate in my name, but my grandma had seen me at my worst, out of fear kept at condition on me that I won't have my estate until I move on and consider living like a normal Hill as in getting married, giving birth to more doctors or CEOs like herself.
End of Flashback|
Megan looked at me blankly as I told her the entire story of my life, hoping she will know what she is doing from here on. I saw her eyes filling up with tears. I didn't have the nerve to ask if she was okay. "Meg! Why don't you say something?" I asked, looking at her concerned.
"You are a great man, Dyl. And I guess I need some alone time for now. I will call you." she said, briefly looking at me and then shifting her gaze around the room. I knew she was trying to keep herself from breaking into tears. I had nothing more to tell her. It was best if I left her to process and decided to leave before things became irreparable.