Saccharide Heinz
Paris, France: Heinz Manor
13 years ago.
"Mom. Please tell him that I don't want to kill anymore"
I remember my father making me pick children on the streets. As a 5- year-old boy, I thought that they will be my playmates but I was dead wrong.
The word playmate has a different meaning in the Heinz manor...
You don't play together...
You only play with them...
You toy with them...
"Saccharide, my baby" my mother's voice calmed me down more than anything in this world. Her voice serves as the sound of chirping birds in my world full of gunshots and screams.
"I don't like the smell of blood..." I said when she wiped the blood off my cheeks, arms, chest, and lips. "I don't like the taste of it too..."
I already knew at such a young age that my mother can't do anything about my father's doing. She loves my father more than I. She will do anything he wants.
I hated her for that...
But she's the only one who can love me...
"Listen to me, my little Demise" she smiled at me while stitching the cuts on my leg and arms. "You can do this... The pain will go away soon"
The training today was extremely brutal. We played hide and seek, it was a sickening game, I had to hide and no matter what, I can't let my father find me.
His footsteps still ring in my mind, they were very heavy.
"Saccharide... You better be improving now, you little shit!" He yelled and started running around.
One...
Two...
He stopped.
He's near but not near enough.
All I can do was close my eyes for a brief second whenever I hear his boots colliding with the ground.
Three...
Four...
A shout gun was heard.
Usually, he will scare me by shooting random trees to make me give away my hiding spot.
All I can do is to close my eyes when the loud sound happens and to open them again when the sound stopped. I will do this every day until it became my mannerism.
Every loud sound scared me.
It's my first trauma...
The game ended after an hour...
He didn't find me but I received different wounds when I am up on a tree with gigantic ants and angry mother birds.
"My little Demise..."
My mother always calls me that. In her vision, I was my father trapped inside a boy's body.
I was surprised that she didn't name me after him...
All she does is saying that I have to do what my father commands because it was for my good.
All she can do is to stitch me up and bandage my wounds when my father is done with my training.
All she can manage is to watch while my father beats me up for not being able to kill all of my playmates in 10 minutes.
All she can give is water when my father wouldn't let me eat because I didn't torture the maids enough with a stick.
All of her is made for my father...
xXx
8 years ago...
"No girl will love me. I have so many scars" I said to her while looking at the bathroom's mirror. "I'm ugly..."
"Don't say that... You are the spitting image of your Father," she softly said while getting the aid kit from the cabinet. "And he's very handsome..."
She smiled before she continued sterilizing the cuts on my back. I saw myself in the mirror; my face and neck are the only ones with no scars.
"Someone will love you..." she said and placed a kiss on my head. "But before you love her, she should prove her love to you first."
"After she proves her love to you-" she whispered and patted my head while I just stared blankly at my image on the glass. "You'll have the same amount of scars to treasure."
xXx
6 years ago...
I took that lesson. And she was right; every girl will leave your side if the pain was inflicted. I am a Heinz so getting a girl to hook up with me is no hard work. They were countless ladies who fell on their knees for me, but once I had to prove their loyalty, they disappear.
"A real Heinz will not accept a girl without testing her"
Those words were my father's last wisdom before I left for High school. He is a very clever man, he knew no girl will fall for me the moment I give them the Heinz treatment.
I almost believed him but then I met her...
xXx
2 years ago...
There was one girl in High school, in 10th Grade, who confessed to me. She was the first one to know about my life, she accepted it. After all the pain, I inflicted on her... She stood by my side.
That's when I started to write poems because of her...
If I can't tell my feelings through action, I can tell it by words on a paper...
"A poem? Who would thought a boy like you could write such lengthy poems about love" she jokingly asked one day while I was there blushing, still conflicted about my decision on whether to give her my poem or not.
"Just read the fucking piece, goddamnit!" I exclaimed, still looking in the other direction.
"Alright, baby Sachi..." she said and placed her head on my shoulders while reading the poem I wrote for her.
Racquel Porscha...
"Are you alright? What's happening?"
One day, I felt a severe headache before a swarm of memories flew inside my mind. They were blurry, but I can hear mixed voices inside my head. I was conscious, but my body has a mind of its own.
"It's my head... It hurts!" I held my head and repeatedly banged my head on the wall. "It fucking hurts!!!"
"Stop that, Saccharide"
Racquel's voice covered the sound of the voices, so I turned to look at her.
This feeling...
I never had this urge before...
I want to hurt her...
I want to kill her...
I remember digging into my pockets to pull out my lighter before grabbing the Cognac on the nearest table.
"What are you doing? Saccharide!"
She backed away but it was not enough for her to avoid the flammable liquid. I smirked widely when she was completely drenched from head to toe.
Her eyes widened in the realization of what was about to come. She tried to calm me down but my craving for seeing her in flames while the fire slowly eats away her flesh grows more, the more I see the lit lighter in my hands.
"Stop! You'll kill me!"
All I could was smile unconsciously before stepping closely forward.
"Please Saccharide!!!"
xXx
That was my first PTSD trigger attack...
She saw the real monster within me...
She was scared that I will kill her by accident...
She broke up with me...
I don't care...
I'm used to it...
To me, she was just another one of my playmates who died while playing with me.
"I'm sorry I can't handle you, Saccharide," she said while crying, "I love you but I treasure my life"
"I know, Racquel..." I smiled, "No one can."
That night after our breakup, I got drunk. I don't know why but I got the urge to hurt her. Loudly, I banged on her door.
"Racquel!"
No answer...
"Racquel!!!"
I punched the door of her dorm. The blood dribbled down my fist but it felt only like a tickle.
"Racquel!!!!"
No answer...
"RACQUEL!"
I punched it again...
"RACQUEL!"
And again...
Until someone, opened the door.
"Mr. Heinz?"
She was beautiful. Her eyes sparkled as she looked at me with questioning eyes. Black hair perfectly fell and hugged her shoulders, just like how her nightgown hugged her body.
I recognized her as the new girl from New York. She was the one who planted all the carnations in the garden.
Raine Aksenov...
"Racquel's door is that one" she pointed to the next door before smiling. "I can call her for you"
I stopped for a moment to gather myself.
Her smile... Is so warm...
I don't like it...
"Let me just get my phone" she opened the door for me to enter. "For the meantime, please come inside"
That smile...
I hate it...
"How?" I asked her. She turned around and looked at me with worried eyes.
How can you smile while I cry inside?
"Are you alright?" she asked back and put her hand on my forehead to check if I was having a fever then her wandering eyes caught the wound on my fist.
She sighed in relief before smiling, "You're okay but that wound won't treat itself"
She came with a first aid kit in hand. When she started cleaning my wound, I saw a woman who is as gentle as my mother.
The one who treated my wounds after I get hurt.
Also, the same woman who won't do anything to prevent me from getting hurt...
"I don't know much about the two of you but... I know that-"
Dead stopped in her tracks, she pursed her lips together, not wanting to finish her sentence when she caught me just staring at her.
"I'm going to call Racquel so you two can talk"
The girl left me there and went to her room. Out of consciousness, I followed her, my surroundings were blurry and a hunger for something rose inside me.
She was standing in front of a huge mirror. Our eyes met on the glass of the shiny mirror, she tensed up before turning around to look at me with wide eyes. She held her chest and sighed.
"You got me." she laughed. "Do you need anything?"
I need her to cry...
That smile needs to disappear...
"Uhm... Mr. Heinz?"
I don't want to see her smile...
The next thing I knew is that I'm strangling her at the top of her bed; my right knee was on her chest, preventing her from retaliating back. Both of my hands were tightly wrapped around her neck. She was crying while I'm laughing.
"How can you smile while I'm so miserable?" I asked feeling my tears begin to well up in my eyes.
"You're just like my mother," I whispered.
She pleaded for her life but the words came out unrecognizable. Her eyes were rolling at the back of her skull as her hands scratching me became slower...
And slower...
"After you treated my wound, you'll give me more? What kind of shit is that, right?" I laughed more and more as her cough came out like bullets. "Right?!"
She gave up fighting and just laid there, left without any strength and oxygen.
"Sa- saccharide," she spoke my name one last time before her eyes closed.
When her rosy red cheeks finally turned to blue, I released her neck and cowered on the floor beside her bed while hugging my knees. My head ached while my heartbeats were beyond the normal speed, I cried and cried.
"I'm sorry... I don't want to be him..." I stammered, "I'm not him"
I was shaking. Feeling the bed shift behind me, I looked up and saw the girl crawling to her closet, frightened by my presence.
"I don't want to kill you all, promise"
She took her phone with her shaky hands, her eyes not leaving my face. I heard three beeps before she dropped the phone out of frustration.
"I just want to play like a normal kid-
I just want friends-
I just want to learn how to ride a bike with my dad-
I just want to eat candies-
I just want my mom to tuck in bed..." I explained to myself with my eyes tightly closed.
"I don't want to become a machine-
I don't want to kill-
I don't want to taste blood-
I don't want to be a Heinz anymore"
When I opened my eyes again, the girl was on her phone talking to someone. Her face was more concerned than scared but I don't care anymore.
I don't care if she calls the police...
I don't care if she puts me in prison...
Maybe I'll be better off inside of a cage...
That's where animals like my kind belong...
I closed my eyes as the audio around me disappeared, all I can hear was my mother's voice. My mother was calling me but she's not using my name.
"My little demise... My little demise" I mumbled each word uttered became louder.
My mother's voice continuously played inside my head...
"You're okay. Just do what your father says"
How can a sweet voice ruin my life?
It was supposed to be the sound of chirping birds in my world of an explosion.
"Just do it? JUST DO IT?"
But now...
"I CAN'T! I DON'T WANT TO BE HIM!"
It sounded like a devil is trying to make me stay in hell...
"I'M NOT HIM. FUCK HIM. FUCK EVERYONE ELSE" I shouted while holding my head, my nails digging into my scalp.
"Shhh..."
But then I heard a voice so I looked up to see her. She was still smiling; her neck had red marks because of my nails digging on her skin while I'm strangling her.
"Calm down... I won't tell on you" she whispered and tossed her cellphone far outside her bedroom door.
I flinched when she reached her hand to touch me. Looking at her with wide eyes, my eyes traveled from her eyes to her smiling lips. She noticed that I kept staring at her neck so she covered it with her long hair.
"You can hurt me as much as you want," she said that made me sober that night.
"But please don't cry..." she smiled again, "Just stay strong. I'll be your tears..."
She sat beside me and closed her eyes. My tensed shoulders calmed down a little bit when I saw her calm face.
She was frightened a while ago but why is she staying by my side.
How can she stay even if I hurt her?
"Aren't you afraid of me?" I asked before looking in the opposite direction.
"I was afraid of you" she answered. "But then-"
I felt a hand caress my cheek before my eyes met a different set of orbs. She kneeled in front of me and leaned closer to whisper in my ear.
"I saw that you are more petrified than I am"
My eyes widened, my mouth agape and my stomach churned with great nervousness.
"So please hurt me...." she smiled before taking my hand, "Until you're satisfied"
I need to see her cry...
Her tears will be my water...
"I'll be your tears and you'll be my smile"
And my smile will be her sunlight...
Just like a gardener and a flower...
We need each other to breathe...
That's how I entered the garden filled with carnations.