' What is guilt?
What is remorse?
Have you ever been scared of yourself?'
Though it felt like hours had passed, it was only a few minutes.
Though they were going to sell me…
Though I didn't completely intend on killing them…
They were all dead.
Hands over their ears, faces in peril, thick, black blood pouring out.
It had all happened so fast.
One moment, I felt nothing.
The next, I felt everything.
What could I have done? All I did was scream.
I thought it would do something… I wasn't prepared for just what that something was.
In that empty lot, the sun began to rise.
With every second, my heart beat faster.
The sky became bright orange above me as I sat against the cracked concrete. I couldn't move, even though whatever drug they'd given me subsided. I was paralyzed in terror.
At that moment, I was more afraid of what I had done then what they were going to do with me.
Surely, they deserved it.
They must have been blackbloods.
They were the evil ones, right?
And they were going to sell me to Isaias, whoever the hell that was, for their freedom.
'That's right! They wanted to be pardoned! They were criminals! I didn't… do anything wrong…'
That's what I thought, but I didn't believe it.
I closed my eyes and pushed down the acid coming up my throat.
I had done this.
I killed them, and all I had done was opened my mouth.
"Blair! Oh god, are you okay?"
Jesse's voice came from behind me, but I didn't turn around.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them, my heart taking the thundering feeling my face had held before.
"What the hell happened? They're all-," Ian began.
"Dead," I cut him off.
I lifted my head. Ian was staring at me, a look of shock? Disbelief?
Carson, though he stood next to him, examined the scene quietly.
I just remained there, eyes locked with Ian's.
Jesse came into view, leaning down to meet my face.
"Blair… Can you tell me what happened?"
A shaky breath escaped my lips. My heart was pounding harder and harder, I could hear it hum with the intensity of lightning as the electric magic consumed it. I swallowed.
"What… do you mean, 'what happened?' They're dead. I...killed them."
Though I had said the words, it took a second for them to register in my head. I furrowed my eyebrows and tilted my body to the side. The words felt wrong as they came out. So, I repeated the sentence.
"I...killed them."
All eyes were on me by this point. I couldn't focus on any one of them for more than a second, as I began to feel like I was drowning. The atmosphere was unreadable. Their expressions were unreadable. Everything was off. Everything was wrong again.
"I killed them… Oh my god, I killed them… I-"
My voice cracked at the end, making way for the tsunami of tears. They cascaded down my face and showed no signs of stopping.
I didn't sob, I just cried.
As I cried and cried, with emotions I couldn't comprehend, and conflicting thoughts and words I couldn't explain, the sun continued to rise above our heads.
I continued to blink away the tears, catching glimpses of those three standing around me.
They just stared at me, unable to help, unable to comfort me.
And I just cried.
I learned this magic, this power inside me, it was far stronger than I had ever considered.
And in just over a week, the world turned upside down. It made me realize how unpredictable life could be.
So when I made it home that morning, I locked myself in my room alone. I stopped crying, and I laid in bed as I stared at the ceiling. I couldn't think, though I tried to, of anything else than the dark, thick blood pouring from their eyes… The looks of pain on their faces…
And I decided then I would lock myself away. I would forget about everything for a while, and let it dissolve into nothingness.
And as I had proved to be too dangerous for my own good, I would just stay like that. Forget school, and the cafe. Forget the world around me, and become a neet. I would be safe, and the world would be safe from me.
As if.
I awoke to Jesse pounding relentlessly on the front door of my apartment. Sighing, I gently rolled off of the mattress and made my way to the door. The knocking continued as I unlocked it, and did not stop until I'd reached the bottom of the stairs.
When I opened the door, Jesse was stood there, a face full of concern. It was the most genuine look I had ever seen from him.
"Come on, go take a shower. I'll make some coffee."
I moved out of the door frame, allowing him to come inside, and then looked at my clothes from the night before.
He went to the kitchen without a word, and found the coffee pot. I could hear it heating up.
I stood there for a moment, no thoughts nor emotions in my empty head, staring out at the open doorway. The afternoon sun was bright in my eyes, so bright it might blind me.
After a few moments, I shut the door and walked towards the kitchen. Jesse was measuring the grounds.
"Where are the coffee filters?" He asked. His voice was soft, and I could sense the pity dripping from his tongue. I sighed in response and reached for the bottom cabinet.
"Here." My words sounded empty too, as I opened it and grabbed the filters.
He snatched them from my hands and spoke again.
"Blair. Go take a shower. I got this."
I didn't disagree. Instead, I went upstairs and to the bathroom, as if on autopilot.
My face in the mirror was nearly unrecognizable. I was dirty, my hair matted and in clumps around my face.
I avoided looking at myself more as I brushed my teeth, and waited for the water to warm up.
It was too quiet.
As I showered, I took notice of the chafing around my wrists and ankles, unpleasant reminders of the night before. I didn't linger on them, washing up quickly as the water stung my skin, particularly the wounds.
When I finally returned to the kitchen, clean and dressed, Jesse had a cup of coffee waiting for me on the counter. He pushed it towards me, and I mindlessly obliged.
"The cafe door will be finished tomorrow." His words were mindless too. It was clear we were both unequipped to handle the looming tension over the recent events, much less talk about it.
Still, I felt comforted in the fact that he had come.
"That's good."
We sipped our coffee as we made our way to the bare living room. Now seated on the couch, Jesse sighed. He then cleared his throat, and spoke again.
"You...have to take care of yourself."
I nodded absentmindedly. Not a single thought was in my head at that moment. I didn't want there to be.
I didn't want to think about it.
I didn't want to remember it.
"Look, you didn't do anything wrong. It was self defense...and honestly, I've never seen something like that. Blackbloods are notoriously hard to kill, you know? We could...we could use someone like you."
I nodded again, not really processing what he was saying. After all, whatever he said wouldn't change my feelings.
Whether I'd meant to or not didn't matter.
Whether they were the ones in the wrong didn't matter.
At the end of the day…
"At the end of the day, I killed them all."
"Blair."
Jesse shook me from my head as he reached for my hand. I looked to him, his eyes holding a stern look. His emotions were concealed too well for me to understand what he was trying to get across.
"Let me help you. And you can help me."
I pondered a moment, at least I tried to. Still, I felt I couldn't think for myself. All the puzzle pieces I had been putting together seemed to fall at my feet. My brain was a mass of nothingness, and I just felt cold.
Without a care or any careful consideration, I nodded back.
"Yeah. Okay."