I...have always been the type to mess around. I figured, life would be dull if there weren't any thrill and challenges. So I would explore life.
I remembered what would happen if I keep getting colds, to which I did. I went for a month so we went to the hospital. I was ecstatic for it was my first time being confined. When results were out, the doctor told us I had pneumonia rhinitis, which at that time I thought it wasn't that bad. That I'll still live.
As a kid, I grew up being afraid of needles especially when I'd get injections for vaccines and many more. I would always close my eyes and imagine where I want to be right now. And I want to be somewhere where I can no longer be hurt. It was all fun and games before, I kept playing with my body. I also had bell's palsy before and after a month, I was healed—but not really.
I always thought I'd live no matter how the situation gets worst. I never thought...that I'd die in a year. I realized when my body started getting weaker. At first, I was diagnosed as asthmatic and so I stopped my basketball and tiring clubs for a while and focused myself on playing instruments. I was relieved when it was just asthma, but when I suddenly fainted, it was then knew that I'd die.
"You should stop playing violin, Aaron" my dad said as we got home.
I took a deep breath, "Dad...I can't even play basketball or anything anymore. Just...let me keep this...please" my dad looked at me like he's about to cry. My mother already left us, what will happen if I leave him? He'll be alone...And I can't just leave him alone.
As soon as I went to my room, river of tears suddenly fell from my eyes. Regrets formed my head and anger equates all of it. They said sadness is behind anger, yet anger never comes unless in direct self defense, and so perhaps I can credit this natural passivity with my willingness to cry and feel pain, to let sorrow teach me more about my true nature and how fragile we humans really are.
I faced the wall, my face creased and my fists closed so tight I can feel the sweat trapped inside them. That's when I heard a sound that almost stopped my heart. From the other side of the room is a sobbing sound, like a child who's lost his mama. There is no child in this house, only my father, the man who was calling hi friends to borrow money for my hospital fees and operation. And when he was done, I turned to face him only to find he has moved outside to the decking, hands grasping the rail, shoulders shaking and the sound of struggling to breathe against the crying.
"...Dad?" there's no response other than an intensification of the grief. "Dad, I'm sorry... I'm sorry" I went to give him a hug as we both continue to cry.
It was the first time I saw my father like that, it's heartbreaking. If I could go back to the past, I would never have done things like that. When my mother left us, I didn't see him cry instead he gave me his big and genuine smile saying that he'll never leave me. That he'll be my mom and dad at the same time.
And at the worst time of my life, you came. You...felt like home, and everywhere I've never been. All at once. You were like a cat...shy but curious. You had a very long hair I can't even tell when was the last time you cut them. Your brown eyes shine brighter than any city could ever. It was the most beautiful pair of brown eyes that my eyes have seen.
I had a hard time being close with you but before I knew it, we were already hanging out. We would go to places you've never been before and I would choose the place. You were the only one who I can tell everything to. You once told me how much you love rain and now I can't sleep during storms. Not because I'm afraid, because they remind me of you.
And when I go back to that place, on the back of my neck, where my finger falls. When my arms wrapped around you... that place. You steady me and stir me all at once.
I'm regretting what I've done even more. I kept pondering that if I wasn't dying, would we still be like how we are? I really wish I've never done things like exploring life. It was fun indeed but in the middle of my exploring, I wish I had met you not when it's about to end.
You looked very lovely at our recital, like how you always do. Before you were always stiff and foul-mouthed but now, you've been more caring, tender, and kind. You were lovely, even more now. In a crowded room, you would always be the one I see first. You're not really that tall but I could guess it's you right away.
I've forgotten that I was dying due to you remembering me how to live each day. My heart is so full of you I can hardly call it my own.
"Are you taking your medications properly?" my dad asked, sitting in front of me. We just finished eating and we're already talking about it.
I replied, "I am, Dad. I take them seriously" and he sighed. "You know you're..." he paused, "...dying, right?"
"I know that! I know that I'm dying! Just please... can you not say that...?" I nearly yelled as I drink the water from the glass and went upstairs.
I know pretty well that I will not live long. I just...I don't want to pass away. I have been thinking about my future together with Lou and the others because I'll never see those days. I don't know why this happened but I probably deserve it. I have been praying for forgiveness, that maybe there's a chance that I'll live. And if I will, I will do everything right. But you have been praying for my health. So when I leave this earth, I hope you'll find someone who will never leave your side and make you feel all the love you need, love that I cannot give. I wish I won't die. I do not want to die.