It was probably worth it, I thought, as I knelt, hands bracing the wall, eyes watering. I groaned and leaned on the cupboard by the toilet, closing my eyes and thinking back. there's something inescapable in the challenge of a night out.
Even if it's only to a friend's, or to
some party held by some person to
whom one is not particularly endeared.
nobody likes missing out, and to be fair,
I would hope that I would be missed. So, out I went, into the night, unsure of what I would find or where it would take me.
It was a good night; it started slowly, as they do, but we loosened up and took a step back, and cast aside all those little things that plague us, those itching insecurities that buzz in the back
of our heads and force a heavy second-guess
with every glance in the mirror.
no.
Tonight, I was bold. I was beautiful. I took that
inconceivable step into undiscovered territory,
my blood thicker than syrup and my vision
hazier than a summer's heat, a smile on my
face and an inescapable spring in my step.
tonight, I was brave. I did what needed to be done. It was probably worth it, I thought, as
I forced myself to my knees once more,
and laughed in between heaves.
But I feel something's different. It's not because of the alcohol, no. I continue to throw up until I can no longer breathe. Tears were forming in my eyes as blood slowly bleeds out of my nose and mouth. It went on and on and I was on the verge of dying. I gasped and called for my dad. I didn't know if my voice was that loud but I heard the door slams open and my dad walks in the pool of vomit, carrying me to the hospital.
After I was said that I have 12 months left to live, I did things that weren't allowed for me. Including beers.
"Aaron..." Doctor Lee began, "...Do you want to live...?" he asked me, obviously concern for my body. They don't what it's like to be told you're dying, it's like I'm a ticking bomb ready to explode in any minute.
"Alcohol interferers with some chemotherapy drugs, Aaron. You need to cooperate if you want to live...All of us are doing our best to save you...so please, try to save yourself too" he looks at me with pity while my dad pats my back as if comforting me.
Doctor Lee started scribbling something in his paper and gave my dad antibiotics for me to swallow whenever I throw up, which will be often. Sometimes I'd be okay for a week and then the next day, I'd throw up everything I ate that week and it would include me nosebleeding and bleeding through my mouth as I throw up.
We were about to leave the doctor's room when Doctor Lee called out for me while my dad goes ahead saying he'll wait for me outside.
"You should stop doing these things, Aaron..."
he started, "You've been coming here for the past two weeks because you had been doing things that aren't allowed for you" he continues while I remained quiet. I know I'm supposed to do everything they say in order for me to stay alive, to wake up next morning. But I just can't function well ever since the day I knew I was dying.
"Acute lymphocytic leukemia is not a joke. Take this seriously, Aaron. You shouldn't worry your father anymore..." he gave me a smile, "...You may go now. I'll see you in your next therapy" I nodded in response and went outside to where my father is waiting.
"...Are you sure you don't want to stop playing violin...?" he asked as soon as we got home. I gave him a small smile, "I can still move, dad... I'm sorry for always worrying you."
He slapped both my cheeks and wrapped his arms around me, "You always worry me ever since you were a child, Aaron" he pat, "Just please... don't make your illness any more worse. You're the only one I have left"
I nodded in response and let go of the hug. I figured, I need to stop this rebellious phase of mine, especially not at this moment. I've been hanging out with Lou everyday and I absolutely cannot show her my side—throwing up with blood side. She'll only pity me more, and I don't need anyone's pity.
"...Does she not know yet...?" my dad asked me as I continue to throw up at the toilet, unable to breath as my eyes water.
I shook while blood runs down my nose,
"She doesn't need to know" I breathe deeply when I vomited once more while dad pats my back to help me.
"Do not...tell her..anything...please" I beg him and he nodded.
I have been constantly throwing up everytime I get home or before my morning starts, and my dad would always help me with my medicines and all. I have stopped chemotherapy after 4 months because of financial problem and now...It has been 8 months and I have 4 months left. I don't think I'm ready to go to a place where my dad and Louella isn't there. I can't even bare to imagine what it would be if I was suddenly gone.
And now, Lou and Jax has been hanging out and texting recently. I don't even know what her number is, and she hasn't been with me these days. I would always go home or with Blythe and this has been for a week now. I always get a strange feeling when I see both of them together, like I want to crush him up so I can be with her instead. I know, I'm jealous.
I have had crushes before and girlfriends but I have never, never felt this way like I did to the others. It's fun but terrifying at the same time.
She is my light.
Another day has passed and they're going to hang out again. Now, you must think I'm crazy and you call tell what I'm going to do next, right? You're absolutely correct. Jax and Lou was talking about grabbing food together and I don't know why, but my feet moved on its own as I grabbed Lou to my side to which the both of them were in shocked.
I held her hands tight and ran from the school to somewhere, not turning back. Doing something like this is not really my forte, I have never been this jealous before. She's literally driving me crazy. We somehow went on our way home so I told Louella that I'll take her home when she asked,
"...Why did you grab my arm...?" her palms sweating.
"Well..." I shrugged, "...You were hanging out with him...than with me so.." scratching the back of my head as I laughed nervously.
She paused for a while and then later replied, "Oh"
We talked more on our way home and that was by far the most incredible thing I have done in my life, probably I'll do something like this in the future more. But, I want to hang out with her more, I want to court her, I want to marry her—is what I wrote in my bucket list which will never be fulfilled. And if the time comes, I'll probably regret it but it was the reason why I met her. The reason why I fell for her.