Swimming back up to the surface, I pull air into my lungs and wipe my eyes clear of any water droplets leftover from my dive. The heated water soothes my nerves and makes me feel relaxed but unexpectedly ready to swim.
Carol sits on one of the lounge chairs watching me. Her voice bounces off of the walls when she calls my name.
"Yes?"
"Tell me about you and Damon. How did you both meet?"
So much for a boy-free day...
If there was anyone else in here with us, I would hesitate to tell her, but our Rewards Package gave us the heated pool area alone for an hour.
"We weren't exactly friends at first. Actually, the first time I met him, he knocked me over as he was running through my campus. Brandon stopped to apologize then ran after him. The second time we met, he barged into my apartment claiming it to be Brandon's. He couldn't believe Brandon would let a random girl kick him out of his own brother's place. The third time we met was when everything changed. He was in the stairwell and I was making sure he was okay. We had a conversation and I sat in his car to continue talking to him. It was the turning point in our relationship. Ever since then, we have been growing into our relationship and strengthening our bond. It hasn't always been easy, but it works for us."
Her head tilts to the light with wandering eyes, following her thoughts. The room is quiet, but my thoughts are loud. I have a sneaking suspicion about what she wants to say to me. While it is not noticeable to everyone, her attitude towards me has changed so slightly since that day in the cabin when Damon blew up.
"Dear, don't get me wrong, I love having another girl in this family, but why are you still with Damon? I know what he did that day at the cabin, Brandon told us. And I know that this is definitely not the first time it happened."
My breath is knocked out of my lungs. How did she know?
"When he stormed inside, your eyes held fear in them. I know you are scared of him."
I feverishly shake my head in rebuttal, but she doesn't let me speak.
"We both know that some part of you is scared of Damon, no matter how minor that part may be. So, why are you still with him? Even if it wasn't intentional, he still put his hands on you and that is not okay."
"Honestly, I don't know. You're right, I am scared of him, but I also love him. I know that everyone has flaws and this is one of his. I know- I know how this sounds. He isn't abusive towards me. Yes, he put his hands on me, but he did not hurt me. Really, it wasn't even him. He isn't conscious during those times, he isn't 'him,' if that makes sense.
"The real reason I stay is because of Damon. Aside from those two times, he has shown me a world I have never known. A world full of love, trust, loyalty, honor, comfort. I missed all of those things earlier in life and now that I know how it feels, I don't want to ever lose it. Carol, your son makes me the happiest girl in the world. From the moment I met him, I knew that having a relationship with him wasn't going to be easy. He has had bad things happen to him in the past, I don't expect him to be perfect after that. I don't expect anyone to be. I would be more scared of him if he did seem fine and normal."
She contemplates my reply, the room once again silent.
"He's my son and I love him, but I would have left him. You are a special and understanding person to stand by him, especially in those times. I know you went upstairs alone with him after the incident at the cabin. I don't know how you felt safe enough with him to do that. How you trust him enough to sleep next to him some, or every, night. I think, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you are enabling his behavior by being so calm and forgiving. By going to sleep next to him after he has you against the wall with his hand on you, I fear that he may never get help for his behavior.
"Rose, he needs help. He has never been the same since that night. He may talk to you about it," looking at my face, she changes her sentence, " or maybe he doesn't, but he spent nights having night terrors, he doesn't like the dark, he- he is willing to risk his life more. It's as if he believes that he is invincible since he escaped with his life, but in reality, I don't think he cares about his life. And that, as a parent who loves him, hurts me to say."
Getting out of the water, I wrap a towel around myself to catch any water droplets. I quickly unravel it from my body when the humidity of the room warms up my body. "I know. I know that forgiving him and telling him it's okay either verbally or by sleeping next to him isn't helpful for him, but I don't know what to do. When he's like that he scares me. One part of me screams to run away, but another part of me reminds me that I've been running away for years now and if I keep running, I'll end up alone and miserable.
"In our relationship, your son isn't the only broken one. I grew up with parents who were loving to each other and me, but as I aged, their relationship with each other and me deteriorated. I had no one for years. I was only a minor then and my aunt wasn't too keen on taking in a senior in high school. The first chance I had, I left and I never looked back. Since then, I haven't made any real connections to anybody. I always kept everyone at an arm's distance. But, the moment I met Damon, something changed. He pushed me and I called him a "jerk." The second time I met him, I was mad at him for coming into my apartment, not scared. I was yelling at him. Then I found him on the stairs and I was bold. I followed him and sat in the passenger seat of his car. I know I told you this already, but your son has helped me pick up some of the pieces my parents left behind and I want to do the same to him. I now have Brandon, Damon, you and Dave, and Amelia. I am grateful that I met him, even with his flaws.
"If you would like, I can tell him that it would be good to go see someone. I agree with you, he has things that he needs to work out, but I'm not sure if that is my place. We are in a really good spot in our relationship, what if I overstep the invisible boundaries and he leaves me? Carol, he can really hurt me. He is about the only person in this world to have the power to hurt me. That alone scared me more than anything, even his episodes."
"Honey, he is not going to leave you. He loves you, and you should be comfortable enough to talk about this with him and tell him to go see someone. You should never feel scared of him. Never. He is supposed to comfort you and support you, not scare you. Enough of this, today is a girl's day and we have talked about the guys long enough. Why don't we head back to take shower then go get facials?"
Just like that some of the tension in the room is lifted, but the tension in my mind persists. Walking back to my room, I'm distracted. She's right, I shouldn't be scared of him. I need to talk to him and work out our problems. With that thought in mind, I open the door to my hotel-like room and jump in the shower.
Fifteen minutes later, Carol knocks on my door. Her hair is up in a messy bun and a white robe covers her body. She looks refreshed, relaxed. When was the last time she was able to take care of herself?
"Ready to go?"
"Yes. I've never had a facial before. What does it feel like?"
With this one question, the mood of the day changes. It's carefree and we talk about anything that pops into our mind all through our facials, mani-pedis, lunch, and shopping. It's peaceful and, I was right, it is exactly what I need. By the time we get home, both of us are exhausted but rejuvenated from the day.