Stepping out of my car, dread fills my being as my eyes drift to the body leaning against the car garage wall. His posture is tense, arms crossed over his chest, lips forming a scowl.
Taking a deep breath, I shut my door and lock the car all while walking into a situation that I know is going to be challenging and extremely unpleasant.
"Hi."
"Hi."
The atmosphere is awkward. We are both walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around each other because we don't know what to do or what to say after this morning. I want to say that I'm sorry, that we should just forget about this whole thing and pretend this morning didn't happen. But, I know that I can't do that. It would be selfish of me to do that. Carol was right, he does need to talk to someone. He needs to heal.
"We need-"
"We should-"
Talking at the same time, we quickly close our mouths and let the silence flow between us. After a moment, I try again.
"We need to talk about this morning."
"I agree. We can talk over dinner. I know you're hungry."
One part of me wants to say no. We need to talk, it needs to be serious, but the other part of me wants to say yes. He is still my boyfriend and I'm not breaking up with him so why should everything be so formal?
"That sounds great. Can we get Chinese again?"
"I already ordered it."
His response takes me by surprise. How did he know that I would say yes to having dinner with him even after our small confrontation earlier? How did he know that I would come right home after work even though I knew he would be here? How does he know me so well, sometimes even better than I know myself?
Holding the door open for me, Damon ushers me inside the building. The cool breeze of the air conditioning cuts through the humidity from the outside.
It seriously needs to rain.
"How was your first day at work?"
"It was better than I expected. Everyone was so excited to see me and they all came by my office-yes, my office- to see how graduation was and how I liked working there as an employee. It isn't too different from being an intern except for the fact that I have my own office that I can use as I want. Plus, I am no longer supervised and I have a set number of manuals due each month instead of each week which is a relief because I know my goal and I can get ahead if I have time, which I will because it's full-time and after I get home, that is all I have to do. Really, it went great."
And just like that the dread that filled me earlier dissipates and I fall back into our old habits and routine. It feels normal, natural even. It feels like us.
A little while later, the Chinese food arrives and we set the table silently. We both know what is to come, but neither of us knows how it is going to turn out. Will we still be together after this? Will he decide that he wants to go talk to someone or will he reject the idea? Will he get mad about the idea and claim that he doesn't need to see anyone? Am I going to have to bring this morning up again?
"Okay, now that we are eating, maybe we should talk so we can enjoy the rest of our food." My voice is slightly hesitant.
I really don't want to do this.
"Alright. You can start."
Of course.
"I really don't know how to start. We were both there this morning, that afternoon, and that first morning. We both know what happened. Honestly, you scare me a bit. I know that you would never hurt me, but in those instances, you are not yourself and I don't know what you are capable of.
"I understand that it is not your fault, and I am not blaming you, but I am sure you don't like to constantly be on alert because of what happened. I think you need to talk through everything with someone who is equipped with the tools and resources to help you get better."
The air is thick with tension. No one says a word, no one moves. I wait for him to explode, but hope that he doesn't.
"Can you say something? Please?" I plead, desperation lacing my tone.
His head stays bowed, his chest lightly grazing his chest. He quietly sniffles, his chest rapidly rising and falling.
Did I-?
Is he-?
"Damon?"
I hear another gentle sniffle and my heart breaks. My beautifully broken man.
Pushing back my chair, it lightly scrapes against the floor and I wince at the noise. It doesn't feel right that the silence was broken.
Walking over to his hunched form, I position myself on my knees next to his body. Placing my hands on both sides of his face, I attempt to turn him towards me. I feel wetness against my palms and tears come to my own eyes.
"Damon, look at me. You are okay. We are okay. Everything is going to be fine."
His voice trembles as he replies. "How could you say that everything is going to be okay when I am so messed up that even my own girlfriend is scared of me?"
"Damon…"
"No, you're right. I need to go get help. I love you, I love sleeping next to you each night and I am jeopardizing that. I have run away for too long. I need to face what happened and move on from it. You shouldn't have to suffer from my mistakes.
"I want to be better for you, for us. I want to be able to live a normal life without being paranoid about someone following us or anyone in my family getting hurt because they talked to me or came to see me. Most of all, I don't want any harm to come to you for loving me. I would never forgive myself if that happened.
"I know that I can't make up for the past and I can never change what I did, and that will always haunt me in some way, but I don't want to ruin my future because then the men who are hunting me will win and I don't want to give them any more satisfaction than they already have. It is time I end this cycle by learning to live with it and owning up to what I did and the people I hurt in the process."
"Don't say that! Not everything was your mistake, your fault, Damon! Yes, you did a bad thing to help your family, but them taking you was not your fault. Them keeping you in the dark and torturing you was not your fault. Them leaving you alone and unsure was not your fault."
"None of it would have happened if I didn't frame them, Rose! What don't you get? I deserve everything that has happened to me. I don't even deserve you. Why are you here, Rose? Huh, why are you here? What do you want?!"
I flinch at his tone, wondering where all of his anger is coming from and why it is directed at me. I guess, I shouldn't be surprised considering he blames himself for everything that has happened, but I want to help him. I want him to live a normal life that he is happy in.
Even if that means you're not a part of it?
Even then. I think.
"No, Rose. I'm serious! I deserve this and maybe I do need to go see someone, but that someone is not you. I want you to leave and stay away from me. I'm no good for you. I'm no good for anyone."
"Damon, please. You don't know-"
"Rose!" he roars.
I quickly scramble to my feet, tears running down my cheeks as I run back to my apartment and lock my door.
Who was that? That was not the Damon I knew.
Sliding down the door, I sob into my arms and ignore the yelling from across the hall. I can faintly hear Brandon yelling at Damon asking what he had done. I can hear Damon scream that he did what he had to do. I can hear as their apartment door slams shut and Brandon calls after Damon just like he did the first night I met him. I listen as the stairway door loudly shuts and heavy footsteps hit the stairs.
I listen in silence as my sobs grow louder than the sound of Damon leaving my life because that is what he did. Or more correctly, he kicked me out of his life and I have never felt more broken in my life, even when my whole life was turned around because now I know what it feels like to not be alone.