I paced around my room for an hour going back and forth between tears of pain, tears of anger and confusion. I had to understand. If he was truly in love with this girl, I was going to have to let him go and wish him well. It's not like he and I were a couple and he cheated on me. I clearly had some unfair and unrealistic expectations of him. And if I loved him like I had always thought I did, then I needed to be happy for him. Oh, how it hurt. It was time to let him go; for real this time. I need to let myself feel the hurt of letting go so I can heal from this one-sided love affair.
I scrolled through our shared social site to Amir's page. Something told me he would have his phone number listed there. I was right. "Hi, this is Erin. Send me Darren's number please." Send text.
He replied with the number quickly and followed up with "I'm sorry. Hope you guys work things out." I just sent a thumbs up. I didn't want to get into anything with him at the moment.
To Darren, I wrote, "It's Erin. I know you heard where I am staying. Room 223 if you want to talk." Send. Followed up with, "C'mon, I know you're not sleeping. Old Man." because I knew that would get his attention.
It worked. "Okay, Kid."
I paced the floor waiting for him to get there. My nerves were fried but I was determined to make sure he knew I was okay with his choice. I wasn't, but I had try, right? He must have broken speed laws to get there because it couldn't have been more than two minutes before he knocked on the door. I took a deep breath, steeling my will and let him in. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail at the base of his skull but several strands hung loosely around his strong face. His blue eyes danced, contrasted by the redness of their whites. Had he been crying? Was he angry?
He stepped in saying, "I'm sorry. Believe me, it's not what it..."
"It's okay, Darren." I stopped him before he could rattle off any further explanation. I wanted an explanation, of course, but I didn't need one. He didn't owe me one. I had to say what I planned to say before I lost my nerve. "Look, I'm sorry I invited you this late. I couldn't really sleep unless I... so... Thanks for coming."
"Look, about my engagement..." he began.
I raised my hand to silence him. I didn't want to talk about it. "I'm a big girl. I'm not a love-sick teenager anymore. I'm old enough to understand."
"But it's not..."
"Seriously, Darren; I get it." I insisted. "You are twenty-four years old. You are allowed to fall in love. Even if it is with a child. You are allowed to have..."
"Oh, for the love of God; will you shut up and listen to me?! Please?" He grabbed me by the shoulders and looked at me with his imploring eyes. I glanced at his hands and he let go. Hands raised in surrender. "Please." "It's not what you think. It's not what anyone thinks." 'Okay, fine. Let's hear it, then.' He rubbed the back of his neck. His Bon Jovi t-shirt hugged the contours of his chest and my mind was suddenly filled with lust filled obscenities. "The baby isn't mine. I swear."
"Baby?" Ice stabbed through my veins with those words. "I knew it?!! I knew her dad wouldn't be allowing this unless she was knocked up! Asshole!! She's just a kid." I punched him in the chest as hard as I could.
"I didn't do it!" He yelled, grabbing my wrists to arrest my assault. "It's not mine. I promise, it's not mine."
"How can you say that, Darren?" I fired back. "Why would you marry her if it was someone else's baby?"
"It's complicated. Kind of a long story. Look, she... I mean, Amir..." He let me go and dropped to edge of the bed.
'Amir? What does he have to do with this? Is it Amir's baby? Is that why he was only one to talk about her at the pizza place. That almost makes sense. He did seem to light up when he talked about her.' As my mind ran through a myriad of scenarios, I missed most of Darren's story. I came back to myself mid-sentence.
"...but her dad overheard her telling me about her baby and so now he thinks I..." He dropped his shoulders, his eyes begging for me to believe him, "Short story is the baby is not mine."
"Again, what makes you so sure? I mean, you must've had sex with her at least once."
"No! No I haven't. I never slept with her. Not her. Or anyone else, for that matter. Ever."
"Riiiggghtt." I sniggered at him. I may have bought the line that he hadn't been with his fiancée had he stopped there, but no one else?. Yeah, right. "You want me to believe that you, at twenty-four, as good-looking, as flirtatious as you have always been, you, Mr. Player, are a virgin?" I snorted out a belly laugh. "That's a good one."
"I'm serious!" He insisted with a slight pout in his lips. Those full, kissable lips. "Get it together, Erin' "I was waiting for..." Waiting for what? "Look, I don't love her. At this point, I'm not even sure I like her. Her dad just..."
"Wait. Seriously?" He nodded so I went with it. "Why? I mean, I thought you and... whatshername, Deedee, Debbie, whatever; were bumping uglies back in high school." That tall brunette he took to his prom and stayed out all night with. If looks could kill, I would have fried her when I saw her that night.
"Dianna?" He quirked an eyebrow at her. She nodded. He grimaced. "No. Never."
"And then there was Lisa?" The blonde he brought to church several weeks in a row the summer after he graduated.
"No one, Erin. Not ever. Not Dianna. Not Lisa and certainly not my sixteen-year-old fiancée. No one."
"Not true. You slept with me once." She smirked as his cheeks reddened.
"Nothing happened either, remember?"
"Well, mostly nothing." I corrected, satisfied I could still make him blush.
"What about you? Weren't you ridin' that basketball player your senior year? The one that took you to prom?"
"Raul? Ha. Ha. You mean the one you told me not to go out with. Said he was bad news. Well, I will have you know that he was a perfect gentleman. And while Amy and Eric were playing tonsil hockey, he simply kissed my hand goodnight. No doubt because you threatened him somehow." Yeah, I said it aloud. I quirked an eyebrow at him and smirked seductively. "So no, I have not been with him. I haven't been with anyone. Yet." I let my insinuations hover in the air. 'Stop it Erin! Just stop. You are supposed to be letting him go.' "It's kind of hard to believe though. Admit it. What? You waiting for your wedding night like a good little preacher boy? Not a lot of guys do that these days. It's not the social norm you know."
"Yeah, well; have I ever been known to be socially normal to you?" No, but I like your weirdness. "What about you? Waiting for your wedding night too?" Oh yeah, my wedding night with you. The image in my mind sent fire through my extremities and set my cheeks aflame. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair." He continued. "Look, Angie is Amir's girlfriend. The baby is his. She tried to tell her dad the truth, but he won't listen because he's a bigoted ass wipe who refuses to let his little girl be with.." he made quotations in the air with his fingers, ...a rag-headed camel jockey; so here we are. Stuck. I don't want to marry her anymore then she wants to marry me. She doesn't love me, and I certainly I do not love her."
"Camel Jockey?! He called Amir a camel jockey??" I can honestly say I had never heard that term before, but I knew it wasn't meant in a nice way.
"Yeah. His dad works for her dad and their moms were friends which is how they met. But his mom died and hers left the family a few years back. I guess the shared loss of mothers brought them together. Well, that and their shared birthday."
"But I still don't understand how you got roped into this."
"Like I said, her dad overheard her telling me she was pregnant. She was excited but didn't know how to tell Amir, so she was asking for advice. But all he heard was her saying she was pregnant, and he just assumed it was my fault."
"Even though you both said you weren't."
"Right. He threatened to have me arrested for statutory rape if I didn't agree to marry her. Being the governor, he could do it. I'd become a registered sex offender for life. I had no choice, Erin. I had to agree." He rose to his feet and rested a hand on my shoulder, setting ablaze my blood once again. My heart broke for him. I wished for nothing more than to rescue him for this nightmare. He looked into my eyes with tears in his and stated simply, "To answer your earlier question, though; I was waiting for you, Erin." Wait! What? 'Did he just say what I thought he said?' "That's why I haven't been with anyone. I couldn't. I was waiting for you to come home from college so I could... we could... I'm in love with you, Erin. And I have been for a very, very long time."
"Seriously?" I whispered in mild disbelief. "You love me? And you never said anything!?!?" I slapped his arm. I mean, really. Torture me with rejection and mocking my feelings. The nerve....
"How could I? You were just a..."
"Don't you dare, Old Man." I warned behind a playful grin.
Hands raised in surrender. "Okay, okay."
"Besides, I'm not now am I?" I put one hand on a hip I had stuck out and the other in hair, posed for reaction. "Haven't been for a couple of years." I watched lust fill his eyes as they traveled to my feet and back. Reaction obtained. I straightened up. "You never thought to call? Email? Send smoke signals. Anything?" His cheeks flushed. My body burned to know him. Could he tell? I searched his eyes for direction. I didn't know what I should do next. I didn't know what to think of the situation. I was angry, but not at Darren anymore. Nor could I be angry with his young fiancée for squashing my dreams of being Darren's wife. I could be angry with her father; he was the real destroyer of lives; but I didn't want to be angry in this moment. I wanted to hold Darren in my arms and never let go. His eyes displayed hunger like never before, like mine, no doubt, appeared to him.
I thought I saw a jolt of fears cross his eyes and he blinked. "Um," he said scratching the back of his neck. "I should go. You have breakfast with my sister in the morning."
I wrapped my hands behind his neck, fingers in his hair... "She'll understand," I whispered as I raised my lips to meet his. Initially, I was met with his reluctance. He shook his head lightly in protest, his hands on my wrists to disengage and push me away. I hovered in place, lips lightly brushing against his. My lips curled into a mischievous grin. "C'mon, old man. You know you want me."
He released my wrists and moved his hands to my face and crushed his lips to my mine, devouring my words. I wasn't about to let this chance pass me up. 'Forgive me, Lord; I'm about to be as stupid as stupid gets.' I moved my hands to his jeans and unbuttoned them, letting him know just how far I wanted to go. He took off his shirt as his kisses directed me to the bed. Sin or no sin, I wanted him fully to myself, if only for a night. I whimpered as he entered me, he stopped and apologized. "No, don't stop," I begged. "Please don't stop." I arched my back from the combination of pleasure and pain. Yes, it hurt like hell, but it was also everything I thought it would be. He apologized every time I either arched my back, or whimpered or moaned, well, pretty much with every little noise I made. Finally, I said, "If you truly love me, shut the hell up."
He did until the last of our energies were spent. He propped himself on his elbows, brushing my hair off my brow. I have never seen him look more beautiful than in that moment. "I'm sor..."
I put my finger to his mouth. "Don't say it. Please." I felt as if I could cry. "Please, don't be sorry. Don't regret this."
His eyes widened at that remark. "Regret this?" He kissed me lightly. "I could never. I just thought I hurt you."
'Do I tell him?' No, I shouldn't. "You did." 'Seriously Erin? Don't you ever listen to yourself?' "But I still don't want to you to apologize," I quickly added before he could respond. "It was perfect, just the way it was. Exactly how I'd imagined it."
He rolled off to the side. "It was better than I had imagined." He confessed with a sigh. "Though I had hoped..."
"What?" I panicked. "Hoped what?"
"Let me finish, kid," he grinned. I hmphed. I still hate that word. "I had hoped this would've happened on our wedding night. Should've happened on our wedding night."
"Yeah," I smiled. His eyes were a deeper blue and the loose curls of his hair, having been freed of their ponytail prison, hung partially behind him to the bed and partially in front of him across his neck. I twisted some with my fingers. "You're right." I raised my eyes to meet his and saw his hunger. I raised an eyebrow playfully, "Old man."
He grabbed me, pulling me on top of him, tickling my sides until I couldn't breathe.
My phone chirped just past eight in the morning alerting me to a text. Amy. "Sorry, hon. Josh was up all-night crying. Raincheck on breakfast?" I smiled. "Sure, no problem. Get some rest."
"Good news?" Darren queried at my reaction to the text.
"Breakfast has been cancelled."
"That's good news?"
"Well, it could be. Do you work today?"
"No, I'm on off on weekends."
"Hmmm. Today is Saturday and I'm in town until Monday. You're off until Monday. Whatever shall we do?" I asked playfully.
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. "I might have a suggestion." I could feel his suggestion brush my lower belly. It was a good suggestion. It was my favorite suggestion, so naturally I agreed.