For almost the entirety of the evening, my stomach felt full. Not just with food and the feeling of seasickness, but with a disgusting swirl of worry and even some guilt mixed in there. I may have been a little too harsh on Tasmin, even though she deserves it for behaving so much like her eleven year-old self, eyes all lovey-dovey for Harry Evans.
I'm emptying out all that into the off-white bowl of the toilet. It's a weight off my shoulders. Well… out of my stomach. I barely have enough energy to stand up, so I lift my head and glance at my hands, ghostly white from gripping the sides of the toilet so hard.
I swallow hard, squirming at the distastefulness stuck at the back of my throat. My mouth tastes sour and spicy at the same time. Each time I swallow it feels as if I've ingested hot coal, burning my insides. The sensation is making my vision blur, tears dripping down. I start to regret letting Charlie come with me; I need to spend some time with me, myself and my tears.
Oh no… here comes another disgusting heap of –
"Bleugh!"
"That's it," Charlie encourages, gently massaging my back. "Let it all out. You'll feel better afterwards."
I sure do hope so, Doctor Charlie. By the way, Doc, your hand feels nice on my back.
Just when I'm starting to feel slightly better, my hair decides to let loose and fall on my shoulders. If it hadn't been for my quick movements, my hair would've dipped into some gruesome contents. And if it hadn't been for Charlie swiftly cupping my hair and pulling it behind me, I would've chopped my hair off right then and there.
"I got it," he says, brushing it into a messy bunch. "Do you have a –?"
I let go of one side of the toilet and reach my arm behind me. Charlie pulls off the hair tie on my wrist to tie the loosest and most uneven ponytail behind me. But I can picture the proud grin on his face and I feel a little better.
I gulp hard. The unappetising taste is still here, but I know that if I drink even a tiny amount of water I'll be in the bathroom the whole night.
I gulp again. I'm ready to turn around and look like Shrek's second cousin, so I lean back and let myself rest on the cold tiles. I lean back even further, letting myself fall into Charlie's long, lean legs.
"Charlie, I think I'm dead now." I close my eyes.
I hear a small chuckle, but Charlie immediately reaches his hands underneath my arms and lifts me onto my knees. Then he says, "Wanna go sit on the bed?"
My instinct tells me to say no, just in case my stomach decides to let loose another heap of… garbage, but I also have a lot to talk about with Charlie, and would prefer to do so while lounging comfortably on a bed rather than on cold tiles.
I nod and start to get up, but Charlie starts to lift me up. "Don't worry, I'll carry you.
When we sit down, I spend a minute just cringing at the ground mindlessly, listening to my stomach rumble. Then I speak.
"I told Emily about Harry," I tell Charlie.
"Did you?" Charlie perks up. "How did it go?"
I nod. "She took it well. She's willing to keep the secret. But… something did go a little wrong."
A frown from him. "What happened?"
I sigh. "Well, while Taz was in the shower, I told Emily about it, but… I don't know… she's been acting weirdly this afternoon, and I think…" I gulp. "I think she heard me talking to Emily about it."
"Do you know that for certain?" Charlie asks.
"Not exactly. But even if she didn't, I still feel bad. I shouldn't keep anything from Tasmin. But I also know that Harry needs to be the one to tell her."
A little awkwardly, Charlie puts a hand comfortingly on my shoulder. "You're doing the right thing, you know? You're a good friend, and when Harry does tell Tasmin, I'm sure she'll understand."
I shrug, he pulls his hand away. "I hope you're right. But it's hard to keep secrets from her, when all I'm trying to do is protect her." I look up at Charlie, and realise what I've said.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that – It came out wrong." When Charlie doesn't respond, and continues to have a blank expression on his face, I say, "I know Harry isn't bad, but it's my responsibility to protect my friend, isn't it?"
Charlie's eyes don't meet mine when he says, "Don't worry. I know what you mean."
I'm starting to feel a little uneasy again.
"Charlie," I say.
"Yeah?"
"I know you told me about Harry before, and what he's keeping from Tasmin, but I can tell there's more." Charlie's head dips. "It's honestly not hard to see that Harry's got his mind on something else, all the time. And… it's just…" There's no other way to put it. "He doesn't smile as bright."
Charlie nods at me.
I continue. "I mean, you remember how bright he used to be. Even if he looked like a goof smiling so often."
Under his breath, Charlie mutters, "You know, you're way too observant."
"No, it's just obvious. So obvious that it's easy to overlook," I huff. Then I give Charlie a nudge. "Tell me. I need to know what's going on. You know I won't say anything you tell me to anyone."
Charlie nods. Then he takes a deep breath. "Harry's dad was very focused on his business. And he was constantly on business trips." With his eyes closed, he continues. "I remember when Harry would constantly say no to going out after school, spending time with us, and…" He sighs. "Ben and I were mad at him at one point. We thought he was avoiding us. But really, he needed to go home to help his mum."
I nod. "You told me this yesterday, but… is there more?"
"There is," he informs me. "There's a lot more. When we were fourteen, Harry's parents decided they'd get a divorce, but before that happened… Harry's mum became sick. Really sick. Harry's dad returned from his business trip to visit Harry's mum, and Harry told us he thought that this would make their relationship alright again, but…" Charlie gulps. "She passed away."
I press my hand to my mouth. My heart feels heavy in my chest.
"It's the reason Harry has no choice but to move away with his dad next year. These tickets were booked by his parents, so he made sure to come."
"So… when he moves, he might not ever come back."
Charlie slowly shakes his head, staring blankly at the floor.