I know I look tense. I wish I easily stepped out of my boundaries, like other people. Like Emily, who went skydiving last year. Or, like Lilli, who participates in challenging academic competitions. I wish I had that drive. Instead, I'm stuck with being overly-fearful of small things.
The top of the tower looks so far away, and though I know I'll be harnessed, I can't help but shiver at the thought of being way up there. But then Harry's joining me, and he may still be somewhat cold to me, especially after I noticed that his smile isn't the same, but I feel a lingering sense of comfort in his presence beside me.
"The view from up there must be amazing, huh?" he asks me so casually that I gasp, and turn my reaction into a sigh.
"And windy," I reply, realising that climbing would be ten-thousand times harder if my own hair was trying to strangle me mid-air.
As I stare upwards, I feel my hair pulled sloppily into a ponytail. Stray hairs still fly across my face, and I smile. I'll have to redo my hair, but I appreciate Harry trying. I turn to face my stylist, pulling my ponytail onto my shoulder. Now it's his turn to be tense as he eyes me.
"Thanks, Harry," I say.
"No worries," he tells me, shrugging a little and grinning.
I love seeing his smile. I want to keep seeing it.
"You're not too bad at tying hair, you know," I comment. "Do you practice on your mum's hair?" I ask.
Harry's eyes widen. Behind me, Lilli puts a firm hand on my shoulder. He was just smiling, and now I've done it again, stopped him from smiling by saying something careless. I realise now that Harry's never talked about his private life. Only those close to him deserve to know. I want to apologise as soon as I have that thought, but Lilli turns me around to face her.
"Remember year eight camp, Taz?" she asks me. "When Emily and I encouraged you to get to the top of the big swing? You did so well that time, that means you can do it again."
I turn my head. Harry's fixing his harness, not looking this way.
"I don't know," I say.
Emily hops over to us. "Oh my gosh, your face was hilarious, Tasmin! And you screamed so loud. It was crazy!" she informs me, as if I'm not already insecure enough.
"Emily…" Lilli says in a warning tone.
"What? Don't try to scold me. It's not like you screamed any less loud," Emily cackles like the little witch she is.
Charlie's head pops into our conversation. "You girls are making a big deal, I'm just going up for the view."
"You're right," Lilli nods. "It's just for fun. Isn't it, Emily?"
Emily huffs and leaves to join Ben. I glance at Harry, and then at Lilli, who winks at me before rushing off to help Charlie with his harness.
Harry is still adjusting his harness around his waist, pulling on the straps carelessly. I take a deep breath. I didn't mean to hit a personal topic. He'll understand. He'll understand like he used to. I approach him. I notice that he turns his head towards me slightly. I wish he'd spare me another glance that would reassure me somehow.
"I —"
"Alright, everybody," the instructor beams. "Time to tighten your straps and get ready to start climbing. But before we do that, I'll have to run through a few important safety rules that you'll have to remember, got it?"
Everyone around me nods. Then the instructor begins his five minute lecture on safety. I pay approximately no attention to what he says, even if I'm feeling uneasy about rock climbing, and I'm instead flicking my eyes at Harry every two seconds.
The instructor finishes his speech, and half of us start readjusting our straps nervously. We're told to get into pairs, and I internally breathe a sigh of relief when Harry steps towards me.
"Need help with the straps?" he asks me.
I give him a small smile. "I'm good. I think I have enough of a wedgie," I say, which makes him smile back.
As I'm getting clicked in, I turn around, still a little nervous. "Are you sure you don't want to head up first?" I ask, just in case he's more eager, but mainly because I may collapse if I look up again.
I'm hoping for him to nod and take my place, but he steps forward and leans over to click me in with the second and final harness. He's too close. My cheeks feel hot. I feel as if steam will start blowing out my ears and nose any second now.
"I'll watch from down here," he says to me calmly.
I keep my mouth sealed shut so I don't vomit rainbows, and scamper over to the wall and take grip on the biggest rocks to lift myself up. The cold sea breeze cools me down, but as I climb upwards, I'm starting to wish I wore long pants instead of overalls. And then I'm glancing self-consciously at Emily and Lilli, who are already quite far above me. I want to turn and ask Harry if I can come down, but I decide not to give him the unfortunate opportunity to see my double chin. Instead, I swallow my fear and push myself to keep on climbing.
I think of Harry's smile, which only appears every so often. I think about how much brighter it will become over these several cruise days, and I gain extra strength in my arms and legs. I only realise I'm at the top when an ear-piercing squeal stabs through the wind. It's obviously Emily, and I immediately feel the urge to look down, but Lilli's yelling something.
"Check out the view, guys!"
Seeing the ocean from so high, where I can spot every little ripple, every patch of near transparent cloud, and I realise how beautiful the scene really is.