I called my driver to take me to the firm. As I sat on the back seat I couldn't help, but think of the worst possible scenario.
"I'm afraid he might...hurt himself. "
Victorias' words kept replaying in my head. My heart started beating painfully fast, when the car stopped and bolted out, through the doors and into the lift. I felt like the elevator ride took forever. When the doors finally opened I ran as fast as I could to my office. I stopped when I saw Victoria sitting on the floor, talking with Mr O'Neal. They both turned to me, visibly relieved. Victoria hugged me tightly.
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
"He is inside right?"
She nodded.
I exhaled: "Ok."
Mr O'Neal turned to me: "Thank you for helping. I want to stay but I have...I have to call my brother and some other relatives."
There was unmistakable sadness in his voice.
"Yes, of course, and I am so sorry for your loss."
He nodded: "Thank you."
When he turned around the corner, I knocked on the doors.
"Lukas it's me. Aron."
There was no answer. I locked eyes with Victoria.
"I'm coming in if you like it or not, so just...open it yourself."
Silence.
"Ok."
I fished the keys out of my pocket and unlocked the doors. Victoria tried to follow behind me: "Let me. Please."
She took a deep breath and allowed me to enter alone. My heart caught in my throat when I saw the state of the room. His keyboard was destroyed on the ground, shards of different mugs shattered on the floor. The desk lamp was broken and his whole desk a mess. Mine, however, didn't seem to be touched. But I wasn't prepared for what I saw next.
Lukas sitting on the floor, leaning on the wall, clutching something in his hands tightly. His hair was ruffled, which unlike this morning didn't make me feel warm inside, just horrified. So did his bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. God was this a terrifying sight. My whole body turned to ice when I finally lowered my line of vision downwards and saw blood. Coming from his palm. Whatever he was holding so fiercely must have been pretty sharp. I swallowed a lump and steadied my voice.
"Lukas...please give me that."
He didn't even acknowledge me.
"Lukas give it to me."
"It was a mug she gave me. And I threw it at the wall," his voice was small as he said it.
"You were angry. It's understandable. Please, give me the shard."
His eyes turned to me now. Intense green, hidden behind fog and pain.
"No," he squeezed it even harder and even more blood spilt out.
I started panicking and kind of wanted to puke. I never felt quite as powerless as at that moment.
"Lukas, give me the fucking shard!" my voice broke at the end.
He didn't move.
"Please," I whispered.
Maybe he sensed my distress because he handed me the shard. His hand were shaking so much, he almost dropped it. I stood up and threw it in the bin, then I took the first ade kit from his drawer. I always thought that having that was absolutely ridiculous. But he was right once again.
I started bandaging his hand.
"I am so sorry about your grandmother. It must have been a shock."
that was when he stood up with a jot and glared at me.
"Yeah it was a shock!" he yelled.
"I am sorry."
His breathing was ragged and he was biting his lip so hard he drew blood.
"She died in an ambulance you know. she was dead before they even reached the hospital!"
I felt it was better for me to stay quiet.
"Her lung gave out. She fell and it collapsed. She didn't get enough oxygen and then her heart stopped."
He clenched his fists.
"apparently her lungs were so fragile because she..."
He kicked his chair in rage.
"Because she had fucking cancer! And no one told me! Not her, not my dad, not mom and not Victoria!"
My mouth went slack.
"Because they wanted to ˝protect˝ me," he laughed bitterly "Well great fucking job at that!" he screamed at the door, where Victoria must still be.
I came closer, but he started pacing again.
"If they just told me, I would have been able to prepare! She was terminal, so she was...she had a deadline. I would have been ready."
"You can never be ready. Even if they timed it to a second. You wouldn't have been ready. What they did was horrible, but believe me, it would still hurt the same."
His face was now only showing rage.
"But it would have been better than standing in front of her...her body and having a doctor describe what happened and then throw the fact that she had cancer in there. And then looking around and figuring out that everyone knew!"
I tried to hide how sorry I felt for him. I knew he hated knowing that anyone pitted him.
"I don't know what I'm going to do!" he was screaming now, his eyes bloodshed and wild. I've never imagined I would see him in such a state. My stomach clenched with nervousness.
I gulped: "You are going to be ok..."
"No."
"Yes, you are. Not today, not tomorrow and probably not for a long time. But you will be."
This was a cliche speech I had memorized since my father died and my therapist used it.
He shook his head and let out a gut-wrenching scream. He punched the wall hard. I winced, but he just kept pounding at it.
"Stop, Lukas, stop!"
He ignored me. I came closer and turned him toward me while holding his wrists tightly. I don't know what came over me, but I brought my hands around him. He tried to pull away from me roughly, but I just held him tighter. He was pounding my chest, but there was no real force behind it. I waited for him to calm down when he suddenly started to shake. I felt hot tears wetting my shirt as he came closer and let his forehead rest on my shoulder. Without thinking I started brushing my fingers through his hair in a calming gesture.
I expected him to flinch away, but he just leaned on me as if he couldn't stand any longer. My left hand was around his waist holding him close to me as I lowered us both to the floor. We were now sitting together with me leaning on the wall and him practically laying his head on my chest. I continued running my fingers through his waves and he clutched to my shirt so tightly I thought he will rip it.
"You'll be fine."
He looked up to me. there were so many emotions on his face, it was almost overwhelming.
"I promise."
It was said in a whisper as softly as I could. He locked his eyes with me. A breath got caught in my throat as he moved closer. I didn't know what he wanted to do until I could feel his breath on my skin. His lips touched mine in a light kiss. It was so brief and delicate, like the touch of butterfly wings. I was startled at first, my heart beating out of my chest and my mind going on overdrive, wanting to ask a thousand questions until I realized it meant thank you.
It wasn't conventional, but this wasn't a conventional situation either. He was almost in a trance as a result of all the grief and anger he felt, so of course, he didn't act rationally. But a very small, tiny, no micro part of me wanted him to be making this decision, not because of his emotional breakdown, but because he wanted to. I pushed that part extremely far down and I really counted on the fact that I'll forget about it.
We stayed like that for a while, just sitting in each other's embrace. It sounds romantic, but it really wasn't. When he calmed down he stood up, straightened his clothes, tousled his hair so it didn't look as unruly and we both went out the door. Vanessa immediately came to him, asking him questions, mostly if he is ok and what happened to his hand. He ignored the latter question and reassured her that he is fine. With a very cold and distant voice. She gave him her car keys and she told him to wait in the vehicle.
When he disappeared from our sight she hugged me again.
"Thank you. I don't know how you did it but thank you so much."
I gently pushed her away.
"Why didn't you tell him about the cancer?"
She blinked: "He told you?"
"Yes. I really don't get it. What were you thinking? That it will help him?"
She swallowed, obviously not expecting an interrogation: "I...I don't know. We knew that if he found out he would lose it."
"As opposed to what he did just now."
"We were going to tell him. We just didn't want to upset him. She had a few more months, but the accident came first and...We didn't want him to find out this way."
I shook my head. Well, yeah obviously they didn't.
"But he did. And you fucked up. I hope you'll take responsibility for it. You and your parents."
With that I left her standing there, baffled.