|Leigha's POV|
October 11, 2020
Mama always said that a relationship is give and take. She always said that if you love you'll be loved. Is that true? Am I doing this all wrong? I keep giving, but there's nothing for me to take. Do I give up?
He's so pretty though, Mama. He's strong like Daddy was. He's smart, too, Mama. He wants to be a teacher one day. He seems so gentle on the outside, so charismatic, Mama.
The inside is another story. He isn't what he seems, Mama. Make it work said Mama. It'll get better. Your Daddy was a rough man, too. He was a sharp rock that had an endless number of jagged edges.
What fixed him, Mama? What made Daddy's edges smooth?
You, my princess. Our perfect little Leigha Marie made his edges smooth. When he held your little hand, his world become so much brighter.
How do I fix it, Mama? How do I make his edges smooth?
You don't. He does.
It doesn't make sense, Mama. What does that mean? How does he make his own edges smooth when he doesn't even know they're rough to begin with?
Tears, Mama. That's all that I can come up with. I love him, Mama. I love him so much, but he doesn't love me. I spend day and night catering to his every need. When will he do the same for me?
How do I say goodbye to the one person I have left in this world? You're gone, Mama. Daddy took you with him. A twisted and sick love story that ended so soon.
Leigha Marie, a soft spoken little girl with a heart of gold, that's what everyone called me. Back home it was all so much easier, but here—in the city—it's all so much darker. There's no sun here. It's thick clouds and bustling crowds.
Can I go back to when I was younger, Mama? Can I go back to when you were beside me? Can I go back to before I made a mistake? Can I take it all back and tell Daddy he's right? If I did that, would you come back, too?
It was just a kiss, Mama. Why did Daddy get so mad? It didn't mean anything—I mean it did a little—but it was just a little peck. Is that so wrong, Mama? I know Jesus looks down upon it, but I just wanted to try it, just once.
I know now that it's a mistake. It's not okay. I've seen what it can do to a happy family. It tears them apart. It creates a raging storm in a small farm house. It swallows sanity whole and spits out chaos as if it's life depends on it.
How can I be happy when I don't know what to do? Mama, how am I supposed to be your happy baby girl when I don't even know what happiness is anymore? How can I visit you and tell you I'm doing okay if I'm not?
Mama, I know you don't want to hear this—it's probably the last thing you thought your little Leigha Bear would tell you—I wanna die. I don't wanna live anymore, Mama. If I can't find happiness, what's the point in living? What's the point in carrying on through the pain if there's no light at the end of the tunnel?
Everyone says it gets better. You'll be happy one day, but what if I'm not? What if I wasted all my happiness on a single kiss I can't take back? What if I went looking for happiness with that kiss only to destroy everything without knowing it?
I stood on the railing of the old bridge. I stared down at the water for awhile, Mama. I wanted to jump, but my hands wouldn't let go of the poles. They were gripping onto them so tightly my knuckles turned white. My heart said do it—jump—but my brain said no.
What would you say if you saw my thighs, Mama? What would you do? Would you slap me across the back of the head and tell me I know better like you did when I drew on the wall? Would you hold me and tell me it'll get better like everyone else? Would you tell me that's just the way it is, that life sucks then we die?
Is it sad I want someone to tell me the last one? Is it bad I want someone to agree with me? I should want everyone to be happy, shouldn't I? I should try and make them smile, but what if I want the opposite? What if I want someone to suffer like me?
Mama, what would you do if you saw me again? What would you do if you watched me jump from the bridge? What would you do if I took the precious life you gave me and threw it away?
I'm sorry, Mama. I'm sorry, Daddy. Little Leigha isn't little anymore. She isn't a pretty pink princess covered from head to toe in glitter. She's a mistake. A mess up. She needs to be taken out to the curb with the rest of the trash.
God doesn't love little girls like Leigha. That's what you taught me. That's what Daddy taught me. God only likes good girls who marry good men and have good kids. A picture perfect family is the only way to have God's love.
Little Leigha can't do it anymore, Mama. Little Leigha needs a way out. She needs to be happy. Little Leigha has to say goodbye, once and for all.
I love you. I love you and Daddy. I love the family we once had and the times we shared. I loved every day of my life up until just before my eighteenth birthday. Now—now there's nothing left to love.
Little Leigha isn't your Leigha anymore. She's going to get her own wings. She's finally gonna be free. Don't you want that for her, Mama?
~Leigha