Niyakap ko ang aking mga tuhod habang nakatingin sa kawalan. It's been a week since that incident happened and up until now, hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita.
Zadkiel... where are you?
My heart skipped a beat.
Ang hirap magmahal ng kagaya niya. Hindi mo alam kung ano ba nangyayari sa kanya, kung asan siya, ano ba ginagawa niya, maayos ba kalagayan niya? Ni wala akong kilala na isa pang kagaya niya. Na isa pang anghel.
And until now, it's still hard to believe how perfect he was to even exist.
Malayo ang kalangitan, hindi man kailan nito maaabot ang kahit anong taas ng mga gusali, mga puno, mga bundok. O kung ikukumpara man sa lalim ng karagatan, at kahit pag sama samahin man ang mga ito, Kailanman, hindi maaabot ang kalangitan.
Dahil ang langit ay para lamang sa mga pinili ng Diyos na makasama.
Kung pipiliin ako ng Diyos na makasama... matatanggap ko ba?
Nakasaad sa bibliya na ang Diyos na kinikilala ng karamihan, o ayon sa Kristiyanismo, Ginawa ng diyos ang lahat ng tao nang pantay pantay. Walang labis, walang kulang.
At hanggang ngayon, hindi ko lubos maisip kung paano naging pantay pantay kung may mga taong... nahihirapan? At kadalasan ng paghihirap ng mga taong iyon ay ang mga taong nakakataas. Kung pantay pantay ang pagkakagawa sa mga tao, bakit may mga taong nasa ibaba? May mga nasa itaas? May mga taong nahihirapan? May mga taong nagpapahirap?
I refuse to believe in Heaven.
May kung ano sa puso ko na hirap paniwalaan ang kalangitan.
Zadkiel made me believe in Heaven. Not because he's a proof of God, but because I see how he believes in his "Father" so much that he never worries. He always believes, He has that faith like no other.
Understandable.
He wasn't born in this world. He was created in Heaven. He was created to obey the Lord.
Huminga ako ng malalim. Ngayong labing pitong gulang na ako, hindi ko maiwasan na lalong lumalawak ang isip ko sa mga ganitong bagay.
Naaalala ko ang mga sinasabi ni Zad saakin noon...
"Pwede ba mamatay ang isang anghel?"
Tinitigan niya ako ng malalim, napa buntong hininga siya sa tanong ko. I was only 15 when I asked that question. Nakahiga ako sa kanyang kandungan habang nakatingin kami sa isa't isa.
I love my view.
"Pwede..." umalis ako sa pagkakahiga ko sa kanya at hinarap siya ng mabuti. "Kung ganoon... pwede kang mamatay? O mawala?" Pinisil niya ng maharan ang kamay ko. Naiisip ko pa lang iyon... na mawawala siya... pakiramdam ko ay mamamatay din ako.
"Lahat ng ginawa ng Diyos ay pwede niya rin bawiin, Calamity... Ngunit pwede niya rin ibalik." Ngumiti ako sa kanya dahil naintindihan ko ang sinabi niya.
"Kung mawawala ka ba sa mundo, matatanggap mo?" Pumikit siya ng mariin.
"Father has his own ways... he sets our life according to his plan and it is called fate. Even angels is not an exemption to his plans. Yes, I can die. In fact, It's not a new thing, for us, to be gone." Natakot ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko maisip ng mabuti kung paano? Bakit? Bakit pwedeng mawala o mamatay ang mga anghel? Hindi ba't tagapag tanggol sila ng langit at lupa?
Umiling siya.
"Even demons, Cali... can kill an angel like us. And it's always up to Him whether he will resurrect us, that's why it is so important to obey the orders of the Lord. Not any living being is worthy of God's holiness." Medyo nalito ako sa sinabi niya ng hindi ko na masundan.
"I don't understand! Bakit kayang patayin ng demonyo ang isang anghel? Paano iyon? Hindi ba't ang kabutihang ang pinaka malakas na kapangyarihan? Ngayon, paano mapapatay ng isang demonyo kung ang isang anghel na kagaya ninyo ay mag taglay na kabutihan."
"You don't understand..." pumikit siya ng mariin.
"Then make me... kasi naguguluhan ako. Bakit kayo ginawa ng diyos kung pwede niya rin bawiin?"
"We are made to protect heaven and earth. But that doesn't mean we can't die, and death is different to us, Angels. Death means punishment . There are no death in our Kingdom, only punishment . When we punished, our soul is in the hands of God." Huminga ako ng malalim. Akala ko namamatay talaga sila, dahil sa totoo lang kalokohan iyon kung namamatay sila!
Napaisip ako sa sinabi niya.
"May mga anghel ba na makasalanan? Kung mayroon, paano sila pinaparusahan?" Sinandal niya ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya.
"All living beings can turn their back to God. Cali... we, angels have our own free will, too. Angels are capable in betraying God." He sighed. Parang mahirap sakanya ang pag-usapan ang ganitong klaseng bagay. Siguro ay dahil may ganito siyang karanasan.
"We call them Fallen Angels..." tumaas ang mga balahibo ko. Naririnig ko pa lang ang tawag sa kanila, kinikilabutan na ako.
How is it possible that God, who created Angels like them, disobeyed? Aren't they created to protect mankind?
"There are so many things in this World, Calamity. Much more in Heaven. Power... is what keeps people moving. Power. Everyone has their own power. Remember that." I nodded.
"What if an angel do that? Like what you said, turn their back on God. How will God punish them? Will God execute them?" Tumingala ako sa kanya.
His eyes were really alluring. Parang hinihigop ako ng mga mata niyang malalim. Para akong tumitingin sa karagatan at sa langit.
"Into the darkest room of hell. Calamity..."
Pumikit ako ng mariin. Pinagdikit ko ang mga kamay ko. Kung nasaan ka man... sana ay nasa maayos na kalagayan ka... I will believe in you too... like how you always believe in Him.
Niligpit ko ang mga gamit ko nang marinig ang bell. Hudyat na tapos na ang klase.
Leandra is not here with me. At kung bibilangin ang mga araw, tatlong araw na siyang hindi pumapasok. And I understand their situation, namatay ang uncle ni Leandra. Kaya kailangan niya manatili sa Ilocos. May problema din sa kompanya nila, hindi rin niya ako kinakausap man lang. I tried to reach out to her but she refused.
Noong gabi na hinatid kami ng mag pinsan, agad na sinalubong kami ng kasambahay nila, and then there, nabalitaan namin ang nangyari. Iyong gabi na iyon namatay ang Uncle ni Leandra kaya pinauna na ako umuwi. Hinatid ako ng kanilang personal driver.
I don't know anything about that particular Uncle of her but I'm quite sure they're pretty close so I understand if she's mourning. She needs time to pass so the wound will heal.
I've been searching about Zadkiel in these past few days. Why? Because I feel like he's hiding... Imposibleng hindi ko maramdaman ang presensiya niya. I can't even control my vision about Him. It's blurry and I couldn't see anything. It's like he knows I'm gonna use my ability so he's controlling me.
Bakit? Bakit niya ako pinipigilan?
I know there's something happening up there that I need to know but I'm not sure if I can do anything aside from seeing the future?
Plus that I'm avoiding my ability. I'm avoiding my ability to see the future. I'm not doing this for anybody, I'm doing this for myself. Nahihirapan akong makita ang hinaharap ng lahat kung alam ko naman na hindi dapat binabago ang nakatadhanang mangyari. Para saan pa na nakikita ko ang hinaharap? Na baguhin?
I won't ever do that again.
To change the future is to interfere with God's plans.
Nilakad ko ang España patungong Apartment. Hindi kalayuan ang tinitirhan ko sa Unibersidad, pwedeng lakarin at pwede rin sumakay ng jeep kapag maulan.
Bumigat ang pakiramdam ko nang makaapak sa building ng Apartment. Parang may kung anong dumagan sa dibdib ko na nagpa bigat. Hindi rin ako makahinga ng maayos na naging sanhi ng paghinto ko.
Never once in my life that I feel unsafe. Kahit noong nasa puder ako ng pinang galingan ko. Hindi ko kailanman naramdaman na hindi ako protektado. I always feel safe and protected. Maybe because I know deep inside that Zadkiel is there with me since the day I was born.
Napalunok ako. Kinakabahan ako. Pakiramdam ko may kung anong elemento ang nasa loob ng building na ito na naging dahilan ng bigat ng pakiramdam ko.
I believe in Heaven and Hell. I've seen Zadkiel, an Archangel! But never I've seen a demon.
Mabigat ang mga hakbang ko, tila may dagan akong mabigat na bagay. Hirap din ako makahinga na sa tingin ko ay nakakamatay kung patatagalin pa. Hindi na ako nagdalawang isip at pinikit ko na ang mga mata ko. I need to see my future if I want to live! I can't die now! Not sooner!
But not as fast as the speed of light, a ball of light came through me. Like I was attacked by a lightning! I exaggeratedly inhaled a lot of breath. Naramdaman ko ang pag-uga ng buong building, sa gulat ko ay napaupo ako! What the fuck is happening? Napapikit ako at pagdilat ko ay isang liwanag ang humarap saakin. Tumingala ako.
"Z-zadkiel?" I covered my eyes with my arms like I always do whenever I'm about to see how Glorious Zadkiel is.
But this time is different.
"Sorry to disappoint you, My lady. But it's not Zadkiel." A warm, baritone voice filled my ears as I slowly seeing a full blown angel!
He doesn't look like Zadkiel! He must be an another angel!
Hindi ako nakapagsalita nang makita ko ang kanyang mga pakpak, they were white! Like pure, shining light! Nakakasilaw ang liwanag na hatid niya kanina at hanggang ngayon, mabigat pa rin ang pakiramdam ko ngunit hindi kagaya kanina, it's now bearable. Like I can breathe but it still feel heavy!
Oh my... Am I dreaming? Talaga bang may anghel sa harapan ko?
He chuckled.
"You're funny! I conclude Zadkiel always disguise that's why you're surprised? Am I right?" I nodded out of nowhere. Yes it's true that Zadkiel's hiding his angel form from me. I know that and I know why. Because it's too heavy to carry. He's too much for a mortal like me, I couldn't managed to breathe normally when he's around.
"Where is he? Where is Zadkiel? Did something happened to him? Tell me!" Tanong ko ng maalala siya. He must know where Zad is right now.
"Listen carefully young lady, a demon was about to kidnap you if you weren't aware. Use your little ability, Calamity. It will save you from darkness." Napayuko ako. Use my ability? For what?
Wait... a demon? Ito na ba iyong sinasabi ni Zadkiel tungkol sa mga demonyong pakalat kalat at nangunguha?
"Yes and you're now the target."
Natakot ako nang biglang pumagaspas ang mga malalaking pakpak niya. Aalis na ba siya? Paano kung nandito pa iyong demonyo?
"An ordinary demon won't get you, Calamity. You have the necklace of an Archangel. I'm sure it can protect you, unless..." Pinutol ko siya, "Unless it's a higher demon?" I concluded that.
Then... is it possible that a demon who's trying to get me was a higher demon? Dahil kung hindi, bakit siya narito?
Zadkiel already informed me about the hierarchy of the Angels and the Demons.
"You have to be careful, It seems like your ability is what they're targeting. I'm Ramiel by the way, the coolest Angel." Napatingala ako sa kanya. He doesn't look like an Archangel to me, I've seen Zadkiel, an Archangel and I don't feel like he's another Archangel.
He smirked.
"I'm a dominion, My lady..."
I covered my face with my hands. I'm shock! It's another level of angel!
That explains why he's not wearing any armor, but instead he looks like the common representation of what angels looks like, he's holding his sword and there's a shining ball of light on top of that sword. His cloth is what makes him different, it's a special piece of clothing, only white and he looks like a human to me but attractive and with a feathered wings.
He kneeled in front of me.
Napaatras ako sa gulat. What the... I can't process all of these at once! Parang noon lang, nag-iisip ako ng itsura ng ibang anghel at ngayon na nasa harap ko na... hindi ako makapaniwala! This must be a dream! And a demon targeting my ability? Hell! This must be a dream!
"I'm afraid it's not a dream, My lady... I was sent here to protect you by the order of our chief, Hashmal."
Hashmal... hashmal... hashmal?
Zadkiel? Hashmal?
"Yes... my lady... In fact, he wanted to gave this to you." He handed me a dagger. And it's not just a dagger! It's like an ancient kind of dagger with the little latin phrases on the surface of the dagger's handle, kung titignan, hugis krus ito. The material of this dagger is metal, hinaplos ko ang scabbard ng dagger. It's not so big and not so small, Like it was made only for me. It fits perfectly in my hands. It amazes me how this dagger look so ancient and powerful.
Pero para saan?
"Why can't he give this to me? and... a dagger for what?" May nabubuo na sa utak ko ngunit wag naman sana. Ayoko malagay sa panganib ang buhay ko.
"For protection, My lady. That dagger will vibrate when a demon is near you..." Napayakap ako sa dagger. It's scary! At anong magagawa ko kung malapit na nga ang demonyo? Sasaksakin ko? Baka mahimatay na ako papalapit pa lang yung demonyo! God! I wasn't born to fight demons! I was born to see the future!
"Like I said, My lady, use that ability of yours, in that way, you may summon any one of us."
Summon? Summon who?
If I remember correctly, summoning needs a spell book! Or a chant, atleast! God! This is making me crazy! Zadkiel is right, heaven is too much!
"You don't need a spell book for that, My lady... you're not an ordinary human to begin with, and your blood already has a spell. Hashmal knows what to do. Have a little faith in him."
The sky thundered as Ramiel vanished like a shining light.
Spell book... blood... faith...
Faith? Faith in him?
I really cannot process all of these at once. Ni hindi ako nakapagtanong ng maayos tungkol sa demonyong sinubukan na kunin ako.
I feel my head on the ground as I see a lavender feather falling into my face. My vision went blur as I lost consciousness.