* One Year Later
Kim Mitzuki's P.O.V.
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Dear Diary,
Ya know what? Dear Diary sounds really stupid I'll call you... Hope. Yeah, I like that. Let's start again...
Dear Hope,
I'm sorry it's been ages since I've written in here... It's been a year since I wrote here, to be exact. Twelve months.
I did it though. I told Izuka it was over and I left him. Not before he beat the shit out of me and he ... did other stuff too ... worse than most the other times, it wasn't this bad the other times when he forced me but this time I was unconscious before he was finished. So when I woke up I ran away.
He told me he'd been screwing other people again. Girls and guys, it didn't matter as long as he was satisfied with it. I know running away is normally something cowards do but I had to do it or I think he was gonna kill me, like LITERALLY he was gonna kill me, the last time I ran away and he found me, he whipped the living shit out of me with his belt - but this time he ... he ... raped me. DAMN.
That's a hard word to write and worse knowing that he did that to me, someone he claimed he loved, he never said he was in love with me and I told him both all the time. That I loved him and that I was in love with him. Fuck me. What an idiot I am. He never loved me, he wanted me because he could show me off, "The Kim Mitzuki", modelling diamond in the rough! Model of the Year for three years running... Until him. The bruises I suffered. The beatings. I still sometimes believe I deserved what he did. Other times I know that he is the sick one, not me, but it doesn't make any of this any easier to handle. I'm seeing someone about it. It's really not easy.
My only thought after Izuka did what he did was to leave. For good. For me to get as far away from everyone who knows him. I wanted to be where nobody knows me and where my stupid ex and his stupid friends can't and won't find me. In Izuka's alcohol fuelled actions I finally found my courage - I found the last straw to finally leave him. It wasn't like I haven't thought about it before, you know I did.. Not that I wrote any of that in here because if he'd seen it I would have been dead meat. And it's not like I didn't try to end things with him either - but he always found a way to sweet-talk me into coming back to him. Not this time. Not again.
After I ran away I changed my appearance now so Izuka won't find me if he comes looking for me. I hope. Lan Wu Xian helped me dye my hair. It's kind of a light brown/caramel colour, not my favourite by a long shot but if it helps me blend in like I want to and be less noticeable for now so I feel safe, then I'm going to stick with it for a while longer. I don't wear a lot of bright colours any more either I mostly wear dark colours and outfits that blend in, that make me invisible in a way to most people. I want to be forgettable.
I mean, I know it's been a while but I don't know if I'd be strong enough to stand up to Izuka if he finds me. The thought of him terrifies me and I'm still having nightmares about that last night especially. There were other nights where he'd hit me or yell at me and I know technically it's abuse but I always told myself that it was my fault...
Sometimes I feel like my nightmares are so real and I'm going to drown in my anxiety or that I'll have a panic attack while I'm at work- it stresses me out so bad. Don't get me wrong, like, I've met some really nice people in the last few months but I'm afraid that if I open up or become too friendly with anyone that I'll be hurt again - or that Izuka will find me again and hurt any friends I've made like he did to Taehyung or Bambam. Or what if the people who say they want to be my friend turn against me and treat me the same way he did?
I've gotta admit though I haven't had a panic attack for THREE whole weeks! Eiji and Yibo helped me calm down, and Sizhui too (one of the Lans' son) last time I was caught in one. I thought I saw one of Izuka's friends, not that I know what she'd be doing 900 miles away from the shithole where I was stuck with my asshole ex boyfriend. In the beginning she tried once or twice to stop Izuka from yelling at me, then she stopped coming around, I never saw her after that... I wonder why?
That shit worries me. I know I'm almost 20 and I've been away from him for a year now, I'm still scared that anyone I become friends with will be just like Izuka Yang, kind at first and then they change or reveal their monster self the same way he turned against me and turned my friends against me. I still don't know what he told them but they never spoke to me again and Taehyung moved away without telling me why. He's like an ayakashi - silently slithering around in the shadows, whispering his threats and telling untruths that are only poison to the ears.
That really hurt because we were supposed to be best friends! I just wish I knew what I did wrong so I could have fixed the problem and we could be friends again, but knowing Izuka was involved probably means that nothing would change and Tae would hate me no matter what. :-(
Shit. I've got to study for this Lit exam coming up, hopefully I'll pass. Lan Yibo says I can do anything I put my mind to. We've got an assessment due on some story called Arcadian Whisper by Fay've O. Clock. It's so romantic. This guy goes away to another country to take a break from his life and in the process of clearing his mind he finds himself and he finds love in the sweetest way, but there's this thing... and my heart!! Oh my gods my heart! It made me cry and wish that I had a love story like that waiting for me somewhere. I'll never think of peppermint the same way again! <3 <3 <3 It makes me wonder if the author felt the aching of their character's hearts the way I did.
Hopefully by being here I can find myself - and maybe someone I can trust.
I want someone to love me the way Yoongi loved Jimin in my Literature book.
I'm off now anyway- study hard - be strong
FIGHTING !
Saranghae,
Kim Mitzuki <3