It was summer of 2005. I, Anne, traveled by sea going to Manila.
I brought my hand carry baggage in my designated bunk bed inside the ship. It's only an economy room filled with many ordinary people like me. And I have that old phone with me, I think it was Nokia 5110, with a little antenna, my first mobile phone I bought through the loans provided by the Government in many schools during Gloria Arroyo's reign as President.
I just sat on my bed, until the ship started to float away. I am already 21 years old that time. Then, a gentleman came selling goods, wearing that white waiter attire. He was one of the crews of the ship. He approached near me, trying to convince me to buy anything. But I didn't buy that time, yet he kept on insisting, until he introduced his name and befriended me. Let's call him, Baste. I found him very amiable, charming and would do anything to please me.
He checked on me from time to time, and always starting a little talk until our conversation made the time passed without me knowing it. I went up to the deck of the ship to feel the soft breeze above, overlooking the bright blue wide sea. However, he was there too. Baste approached me and we talked again, this time, it's a little personal. I trusted too much, I was easily fooled, and opened up to him about my personal life, about my sad past relationship. And he was so capable to play with it smoothly, consoling me and giving such sweet words.
And I fell unto it, with his charms and sweet words, and maybe because he was a good looking guy too. We exchanged numbers, and he promised to send a message or text to me, saying, "I'll just text you..."
It's my first time to face such sweet tongue guy, using flowery words, as if I am under his spell, caught under his charm.
I arrived in Manila port the next morning, and we haven't seen each other due to the crowd, and everyone was busy preparing their baggage, and most were lining up near the ship's stairs already.
Everyone was excited to go down, so I just follow the crowd as well.
I went down the ship already and I kept on looking back still, searching for his face, and I asked the Lord silently that if he's the right one for me, to give me a sign, to see him again before leaving and if I didn't see him, it means he's not the one for me.
But I didn't see him, there's no sign of his presence anywhere. However, I didn't lose hope, I still wished to see him and consoled myself that maybe he's only busy inside the ship.
I didn't remember anymore if someone fetched me in the port.
My first residing place in Manila was in my eldest brother address, a crowded area, within Santa Cruz, Manila. It's along the LRT station, near the main road, and near the Divisoria Mall (it took one ride only). He was renting a room only with his wife in a slum area.
The place was so crowded, the typical scenario in a slum place. You could hear loud yells from your neighbors, people drinking along the way, in a narrow space in between the houses, and sometimes, there's a fight when they're drunk already, but they're friends when in sober mood.
I have an amount given to me by my parents, ten thousand pesos, from the sugarcane crops they sold, called as "STANDING CROP". My parents have that few acres of land given to them by my grandfather and the plantation always was sugarcane. My grandfather was a busy man when he's still alive, owning a vast of land, however, most of his sons were not fond of it, or maybe they didn't like to work in the land, or maybe they have a little knowledge on how to cultivate it. And he had many farm animals too. But all of those disappeared, slowly, as my grandparents passed away.
Some of the lands were sold at a low price. And my parents sold some also, and the other piece of land was leased by the others. They just retained a few hectares for the family.
I enrolled myself in a review center using that amount, and my schedule that time was only every Sunday beginning the month of June until November only, 6 months duration of review prior to the Professional Licensure Examination.
Everyday from Monday to Friday, I just sat inside the room, and doing my self-review. I hardly went out, I just opened my books, all of my major books and re-calculate all the problem solving inside it until I have mastered everything. I focused myself on the review always, and from time to time, I am waiting for a text message from Baste, hoping he'll remember me. That was my routine everyday. My eldest brother was an understanding one, he worked in a small company, a Chinese owned, he's trusted by the owner and promoted him as a Supervisor. It's like a printing company, making that advertisement materials in a tarpaulin.
His wife was so understanding as well, she did all the housework and she's a good cook, taking care of their only Son, a toddler that time. She didn't let me help her, she's a super tidy woman, ensuring everything is neat and order. Even though our room is so small, but she arranged it well, neat and clean. I liked staying there, and just focusing on my self-review.
And I received a text message at last from Baste, he said he was so busy at work inside the ship, cleaning here and there, and could hardly send a text to me. Then, days passed by, I officially accepted him through text message. He kept on sending me sweet messages and good thoughts and it's trend that time to send sweet quotes.
He promised that we will meet each other if ever that ship docks at the Manila port. I am waiting for him always and waiting for his text messages every time.
Then, Sunday came, the first day of my review in a Review Center. I climbed upstairs to look for my designated room, asking the female receptionist of the center. Luckily, I have my two classmates in College that are enrolled also in that review center, Mara and April. However, our seats were arranged alphabetically by first letter of our Surnames, so we're not seatmates.
My two classmates sat near the front of the board, while mine was among the last row on the back.
Then, I saw a tall, dark guy appeared right on the door. I remembered him having that curly strand of hair on his forehead, his hair was not trimmed but I didn't mind. And he walked directly towards me, he was my seatmate, our surname was listed next to each other.
He introduced himself to me, and let's call him "Nemo" and offered a candy but I rejected it, remembering what my mother told me always, "Don't ever accept candies or any food from strangers!"
My mother scold me always verbally because I always accepted the candies from strangers like from the armies in the farm. Starting that time, her words marked inside my head already.
One by one, students came in and the room was filled already, mostly they came from different schools within Manila. But, I received suddenly a message from Baste that his ship just docked at the port. I panicked and excited to see him. I am hurrying to go out, he wanted to see me at a certain place, near our review center, but I have no idea where was it exactly since I am new there.
He was rushing me, since, he had no idea when will it happen again. In my carelessness, I left some of my things on my seat, and Nemo was wondering why I am in a hurry and maybe he asked me that time where will I go but I didn't respond.
I walked out hastily from that room, and I cannot remember if our Instructor that time came in or not. I asked a permission to the female receptionist to leave the center due to personal reason I didn't mention anymore. She just allowed me to go out and signed the form, but I carelessly touched a container of water, accidentally and it spilled on the desk. I just apologized and ran down stairs, as if I am chasing the time, just to see him.
In my mind, I have no idea when I'll meet him again if ever I'll pass it, since his schedule was so not traceable, inconsistent, and dependent only to the time and ship schedule.
I walked passed many people, many strangers along the way, many stalls, it was a crowded place with many assorted vehicles. As if all kinds of people were there, snatchers, vendors, students, professionals, beggars, a typical in a crowded city. However, along the way, my phone suddenly ran out of battery, my phone died.
I was so devastated on what to do, I didn't know his address, I have no idea where he was.
Then, I decided to borrow a phone to others, to just insert my sim card, so that I could send a text message to Baste, however, no one dared to let me. No one was willing to trust me, even though I am requesting so badly, like begging for them to just lend me their phone, telling them the true reason that my mobile phone ran out of battery.
There were so many obstacles I experienced just to meet him but I still insisted to go on, I didn't back out despite of that bad, chaotic happenings along the way. I was totally messed up, literally, my things were in a mess from the very start and along the way. Looking back, it's like a bad omen to me, a warning not to continue but I didn't stop and didn't think deeply.
I am worrying, that Baste might get angry at me because I cannot answer his call if ever or reply his message because my phone died.
Until, finally, after such a long hours, our path crossed. He's a bit irritated, and I explained too much and later on he just cooled down. He brought me in a house, according to him, it's his Uncle's house, but I haven't seen his Uncle either that time. I am not good in memorizing directions, and I cannot remember a place even if I went there once or twice. I tend to forget the correct direction always of a certain place.
Upon entering, I saw two girls near my age inside, in the sala. I smiled at them and greeted them but they never responded, they never smiled, they're so cold at me. Baste told me just to sit on the sofa and wait for him. Then, he prepared food for our lunch and let me eat there as well.
We talked shortly and according to him, he will not stay long because of work reasons. Few minutes later, he brought me upstairs to his Uncle's room. Then, he started to kiss me. But the worst thing I remember was, as he kissed, I saw he's spitting his saliva to me. It looked dirty, in my mind, I wanted to vomit everything. It's so obvious, he just wanted to use me, to use my body for his sexual urges. At that time, it seems I just let him do it, because he's my boyfriend. It's really a foolish thing to think about it, a childish play actually.
Later on, we sat on a sofa, and he fell asleep. I suddenly saw his phone, and saw a text message. It was from a girl, and I was curious, I read everything. I read the message exchanges they have, they were all sweet words like the one he's sending to me. Aside from that, there were different girls with sweet messages as well, and I realized, we were so many in his life, he got many girlfriends.
I was hurt, and I felt inside of me was shaking to the bones. I got the number of one of the girls and texted her back pretending I was a relative of Baste. And she replied back and confirmed that she was his girlfriend. All of them were his girlfriends. Luckily, our relationship just started and we hardly meet each other, because according to him he was so busy at work. I finally realized, he was so busy in meeting and texting other girls using his charms and sweet words, instead of work.
I controlled myself, not to awaken him. I pretended that I knew nothing, until I went home.
My mind was in a wreck those times, I was hurt once again, though we knew and spent together in a short moment only, but I have given all to him, my heart and everything. I trusted too much, I never learned a lesson. I fell to a guy easily.
But, I just kept it to myself, and didn't let my family knew it even my friends and classmates in the review center. The next Sunday, I once again entered the room and Nemo was there already.
He asked me why I am hurrying last time and I cannot remember if I told him the truth.
Mara and April just gave me the things I left previously and asked them the lessons they have reviewed.
Nemo accompanied me always, and he was there every time, when we'll go to lunch or snacks near a fast food place. He went with us, with Mara and April one time, in a lunch break. And sometimes, the girls would tease me about him, because we're always together and because we're seatmates.
At first, I found Nemo good, nice and behave. My first impression of him was he's a serious guy, like a mysterious one. Because I saw him one time in a corner, below the review center, standing alone, in his deep thoughts, as if thinking so far away, as if no one could disturbed him. And I saw him like a sad guy, I took pity of him, I wanted to know why he's sad and seemed a bit lonely. My first thing that came in my mind was to help him, to cheer him up and no malice about it.
One time as I am leaving the room, he suddenly chased me, and asked for my number, saying that petty reasons to ask me about our lessons. I also gave my number to him. Then, as I am riding in a jeepney, I received a text message from Nemo. I replied back as well. I saved his number and we sent messages from time to time, treating him as my classmate.
But one day, I asked him, why he's still single, though he's already at his 30's and already working many years. And he answered that he just wanted to enjoy being single. I found him a very responsible person at first meeting, and a mature one at that age of 30, in my mind only.
He's already working in a big popular company while I am only a fresh graduate from College together with Mara and April.
I am not sure if I told Nemo about my boyfriend, Baste, that time, but as we're taking a break in a convenient store, he suddenly told me, "BREAK UP with him!"
Maybe he saw me so sad also that moment and had known my deeper thoughts without telling him.
Days passed by, I finally decided to break up with Baste, to end our short lived shallow relationship. I texted him a message about the truth and wanted to end everything. He wanted to see me, according to him for the last time.
He told me where to go, near the Carriedo LRT station, and met him. It's a crowded place as well, within Manila. I told him face to face, to end our relationship, that I cannot go on anymore due to his cheating and being a playboy. I cried a lot, he wanted me to stop, many people are watching and I didn't care, I cannot control my tears. I don't want to be used again by him just to satisfy his lust.
I walked away after saying everything, I tried hard to conceal my sorrow from my brother and sister-in-law. And my attention shifted to Nemo, I have received messages from him from time to time.
One day, I wanted to go to Baclaran area, my brother just gave me money enough for my fare, around 50 pesos, I think. I rode through LRT, paying an amount of less than 15 pesos that time as fare. Then, after 5-10mins I think, I arrived already in Baclaran station. I went down just to walk around and see everything, many stalls and vendors were there.
As I am strolling mindlessly, someone instantly shouted, "Free Soap! Free Soap Powder!"
I noticed him instantly and he saw me. I thought it was free so I wanted to get also, but he didn't give it away, instead he showed me a narrow path going inside another stall, according to him, it was placed inside it. So I followed him too, thinking I could get free things inside.
I saw few people inside sitting in a mini-circle already, on a plastic chair. The guy told me to sit also with them, so I sat as well. I saw man and a pregnant woman of the group, they seemed they were the co-planner of that thing. They told me something, with that convincing words, that we need to follow their instruction every time, then they would give us something in return.
Until, they told me to close our eyes, while they talk. All of us follow too, we close our eyes, old and young. Then, told us to open our eyes the next round. Next, a guy sat near me and whispered,
"Do you have money with you?"
He wanted me to give him money, and I searched the pocket of my maong pants, I have less than 50 pesos only (I think).
"See, this is what I've got only, it's only enough for my fare back and forth," I spoke softly with that obvious non-Tagalog tone. All people could notice always the way I spoke, with that unique intonation, and obviously my dialect shows that I'm not from that big city.
The guy laughed bitterly, sarcastically, "What will you do if we'll have a date today if that's only your money?!"
I didn't understand him why he's speaking that way that time, so I stood up and went away, without bringing free things that I expected at first when they promised to give away. I was so naive to go around at that crowded place in a big city. Luckily, I have no money with me, just a fare in going back home and luckily nothing bad had happened to me.
Days passed by, Nemo and I grew closer together. And I forgot Baste eventually, my heart aches gone and I just focused on my review and incoming exam. Nemo invited me to have a review together. And he invited Mara and April as well to have a review the next time.
Mara and April were fond of joking and teasing him, the two girls are very cheerful, and laughed all the way when we talked but he never teased back, he's always adjusting to us, because he was older than us, about 8 years older than me, but not to Mara and April. I am the youngest among Mara, April and Nemo. The three of us went together sometimes in a lunch, and would just tease each other especially the only man, Nemo. I am not well in talking that time, I just go with the flow with them.
And in the end, Nemo finally agreed that we'll go to his parent's house for our review, near the Review center as well, a few rides only. Mara, April and I went there in their house, and his mother prepared lunch for us. I was shy at first and then we introduced each other.
But it seemed our first review meeting that day didn't well, I am not sure if we have learned that day. We held our review meeting in Nemo's room upstairs, I remember it was in the far left corner of the house.
Next review meeting was in Mara's relative residence, Nemo and I went there together.
I cannot offer my brother's place as a review meeting because it's a small room only in a slum area, and there's no room for all of us.
Mara and April would tease me always about Nemo. According to them, he's a matured one already, a responsible guy, got a stable job and most of all he's single too and they teased me about him every time. But it didn't enter to my mind to do that, I didn't entertain any malice thoughts about him at first. For me, I am just enjoying his company by accompanying me always in the review center and helping me in carrying my heavy things, I found him helpful at that moment. I trusted him too as well, I trusted easily as always, especially that my friends are supporting me as well.
One time, Mara and April won't join anymore to us in our review, I was alone with Nemo in their house. I am talking, writing and reviewing something when Nemo suddenly hugged me from behind my back. I didn't move, I didn't know how to react, I just sat still, no reaction.
I remember my ex Peter, he always said that I am a girl with no feelings, because I felt no reaction, I felt nothing. And I kept on asking my ex Peter that, "Is there a need really to kiss or have an intimate acts if you're in a relationship?" And I always thinking within myself since young, that I wanted a relationship that has no kissing, hugging or sexual encounter, if there is. But most of the boys, wanted all of those, opposite of what I am thinking, or maybe I am the only one who thinks that way that time, in my younger years.
And I am trying my best to adjust every time to my ex's, to imitate their actions and to follow their wishes.
Back to Nemo, after a few minutes, he just moved away, speechless, and I am speechless too.
He, then, sat away a few distance, and lean near the door, litting a cigarette.
I didn't know how to change our mood, then I continued reviewing my notes as if nothing had happened, I pretended like nothing ever happened earlier, searching for a topic, like the topic in our lessons.
My feelings started to wonder that time, as if there's an understanding between us. I grew a special feeling with Nemo, he's always around me and I am easily fallen to a guy like that. I am expecting for his text message always. I am looking forward for Sunday school always to be with him.
We rode in a jeepney, he accompanied me going home, in a certain point only near the other ride going home. And in the jeepney, I saw many girls across us, when Nemo suddenly sat nearer to me and put his arms near my shoulder, as if we're a couple that time when outsider could see us.
I was a bit touched and felt happy spending time with him that way, in that ordinary gestures of him.
It seems I told Mara about a few things about him and a little feeling, but Mara suddenly told me that Nemo was also calling her though the landline. And Mara was wondering sometimes about his intentions, whether it was pure or not. Mara was a candid girl, she always spoke also whatever was in her mind.
But I didn't entertain any bad thoughts about him, I grew closer at him already and felt something growing inside, a special feeling for him.
Until, I got a series of bad dreams, and it's all about him.
In one dream, Nemo was attacking my parent's house, throwing big stones at our house, as if he's starting a mess in our house, to destroy it. I got bad dreams starting that time I have that special feelings for him but I didn't mind it, for me it's only a dream, nothing more.