If I ever tell you about my past, it's never because I want you to feel sorry for me, but so you can understand why am who I am. - unknown
I put my face in my hands, dread filling me.
"Let me warm you, it won't be all roses." I said, my face still in my hands.
"I understand, tell me only what your comfortable sharing." He said, removing my face from my hands.
"I..I..I..I." I croaked, nothing else coming from my lips.
Telling my story was a hard task, I never thought I would be sharing this part of my life with anyone, I haven't even told my best friends..who I share everything with.
"It's ok, we can do this another time." He said moving away from me. I grabbed a hold of his hand, pulling him back on the bed.
"No, it's time I let the past go." I mustered all the courage I could and I told him.
"I met my boyfriend when I was 15 and he was 16, we dated for about 3 months before we decided we wanted to become official. He was great in the beginning, I thought I was in love. Well he was my first love, my first everything." I took a breath and continued.
"We were together for two years, I thought everything was going ok, then we started to argue over the simplest things. Nothing I did was good enough, or the way he wanted me to do it. I thought that the woman being the equal was how it was in relationships. How wrong I was." I let out the breathe I didnt know I was holding, gripping my shorts, I continued. Dwight took my hands in his and waited for me to go on.
"The control started right after we became official. He would want me to wear certain clothing, I had to wear a skirt all the time because he wanted sex....all...the...time. The only time I was free of him was when I was on my period and even then, he wanted to have sex with me." Tears started welling up in my eyes.
"Wait, he wanted to have with u even when r on your period?" He asked with a dumbstruck look on his face. I nodded.
"I was not allowed to talk to any boys at school. He would get so angry at me if I talked to anyone but him. I didn't have any friends. He grabbed me by the neck once because he thought Dan, a guy from the football team was asking me out. I never got any free time, he made sure of that, he was always close by....watching."
Dwight opened his mouth to say something, I shaked my head, telling him not to say anything.
"In senior year, I couldn't handle it anymore, plus I found out he was cheating on me. I was devastated, so we chose to go our separate ways. The love I had for him never faded, even though I was treated like crap."
"We stayed in touch over the years and it was sometime during christmas, a few years after high school we saw each other at Golden Blue cafe, I was 21 and he had just turned 23. We started talking, getting to know each other all over again and decided we wanted to give it another shot. Everything went downhill from there."
"Are you ok? Do you want to stop or continue?" He asked, with a solemn look on his face.
"I don't want to stop, I want you to know." I resumed.
"He became possessive, he was just starting his company and he felt that I lived too far away from him, so he forced me to move out of my dorm and move in with him. All this happened only..two days after we decided to try again. He bought a gun and threatened me a few times. Why? I was away for too long at my study group. I didn't need to be away from him for such long periods."
I looked up at Dwight, he looked so mad. He clenched his fists. I started rubbing his hands. "It's ok." I said trying to calm him.
"Does it get better?" He asked.
"No and let me tell you why." I picked up where I lef off.
"It never got any better, it got worst. I couldn't go anywhere without him following me. He would hide my car keys, he thought that I didn't need to be driving to my classes when he could take me. He would wait outside the buildings I had my classes, so that I didn't talk with anyone. It started to affect my mental health. I was not able to socialize with anyone."
"Fucking dick." Dwight was now pissed.
"I left two days before we ended the relationship. I drove 20 miles just to get away from him. I didn't last the night, he was banging on the door a few hours after I left. He dragged me from my room at the motel and forced me to start my car. I begged and pleaded with him to let me go. I told him this wasn't healthy. I shouldn't have said that, he pulled me from the car and shoved me back into the motel room. He said he didn't want a show and people were starting to watch. I slept with a gun to my head that night."
Dwight got up from the bed so fast, he made my head spin. "I'm going to kill him, I'm going to fuck him up."
"No please, I told you he's dangerous.
I don't care, he's hurt you Amelia, he's been hurting you for years. WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE?!"
I was now angry. "How can you stand there and say that? I did try, MULTIPLE TIMES, he found..me..every.. single..time."
"I'm sorry, I taking my anger out on you. He said apologizing for his outburst. "Please, continue."
"He walked away from me two days later. He felt that he needed a break from me, he wanted to be alone. I was so naive, I let him back in my life three years later. This time, I felt my world slip from my fingers. I got pregnant, but he never wanted the baby. He said, he was not ready to share me with anyone especially a baby, a baby would take my focus away from him. He drove me to the clinic the morning after I told him I was pregnant. He wanted to ensure that I had an abortion. A baby, our baby, a product of the both of us. I cried for hours, he wouldn't touch me after we left the clinic. Three days later we walked into a tattoo shop, so that I could get branded, that's what he called it. I was piece of his property and he wanted people to know that I was his. I tried putting up a resistance, I didn't want to get a tattoo, so he pulled out his gun, I had to obey. He would've shot me if I didnt. He didn't care that I was still torn about the abortion..all that mattered was that he got what he wanted and what I wanted would take the back burner."
"WHAT?!!!!" Dwight shouted.
"Yes, across my ass cheek was 'property of Matthew' in bold letters."
"Tell me that's not true Lia, please." He was now bubbling over with emotions, every one written across his face.
"It is, I can show you..if you want." I felt naked, opening up hurt so much, I didnt want to relieve those memories but I had to let go to move on. Tears now in my eyes, I kept going.
"I walked away that time, I wanted peace. In total it lasted six months."
"He begged me try again, he called me for months , showed up at my job and he also sent me messages begging me to take him back. Like a fool I did, I took him back when I was 27, lasted only a year. It was the longest year of my life. He was now rich and his company was successful, all that power, took over him. He became more possessive, more dominant, more abusive and angrier."
I stopped, my body shuddering. "Dwight can you hold me please." He took me in his arms and tried soothing me, it worked. I was now relaxed.
"Are you ok now?" He asked.
"Yes, thank you."
"Do you want to take a break?" He asked, his voice laced with concern.
"If I stop I don't think I'll have to strength to finish it. So, I want to get it everything out now." I proceeded.
"He would now tell me, he owns me and that I belong to him and no other can nor will take me from him. He would go to work and come home, drop his pants and order me to suck him. He was very specific on how he wanted me to suck him, how I should hold him and how much pressure I exert when I hold him in my hands. I couldn't squeeze him too hard, I had to be a freak and nun at the same time."
I took a deep breath, my body now trembling violently. I got up from the bed and paced the room. Trying everything to get my composure back. I couldn't, nothing worked, I felt faint. I braced myself on the chest of draws and resumed.
"I got pregnant a second time, but I never told him. I wanted this baby, he never gave me the choice with our first baby. He also took that from me. I wanted to have a say with this one. He found out I was pregnant when I accidentally left the ultrasound on the night stand. We got into an argument. He dragged me by the hair into his room, tied me to the bed and called Dr. Mason."
I was now a sobbing mess, I fell to my knees and cried, cried for the babies that were taken from me, cried for the life I had lived, cried for the times I should left but stayed. Dwight, hugged me.
"Please Lia, stop." He whispered in my hair.
"No you need to know."
"I..I..I..t was horrible experience. I begged them to let me keep the baby. Told them if they let me keep it I would become 100% submissive to him, I wouldn't argue, I would behave. They ignored my pleas. My vulnerability showed, I was emotionally damaged after that, I had to seek out a therapist. I became dependent on him. He had so much control over me, I questioned everything I did, wondering if he would approve of; the way I dressed, the places I go. I started to gain a lot weight and he would call me the most disgusting names; he used one word alot. Swine. He would call me a fucking idiot, then turn around and tell me loved me and he was sorry. It got so bad that at one point I didn't go anywhere anymore, I stayed home, I took off so many days from work. That's what he wanted, the control, to control my every move, the way I felt. He destroyed my self esteem for years. He wanted me to become totally dependent on him. I disappeared for a month, I left everything behind. But that wasn't enough, I started to miss him, I hated the way I missed him. I went back. I paid the price, I was chained to the bed for 3 days. When he felt that I had suffered enough, he released me."
"Don't you know that I own you Amelia?" He always said.
I pulled away from Dwight, and held his face in my hands.
"Then I met you, we started talking I got know know, you started to remove the darkness that had consumed me. You gave me to courage to walk away from him for good. I bought my own place and I went back to work. For the past 2 months, I'm still not where I ought to be in being mentally, emotionally and physically health, but you're helping me. I'm improving as each day passes." I felt drained, I had no angry left to continue. I slumped on his chest, wiping away the tears that were now threatening to fall.
"It's never easy living in abuse, but if you can free yourself from it, it's the best feeling in the world. Freedom is taken for granted until you end up in situation where its completely take from you." I said.
He pulled me up an took my face in his hands, pressing his lips upon mine, it was a short kiss. My face still in his hands as he rest his forehead on mine.
"Thank you for telling me, I'm sorry you had to go through all of it. You are too good a human being to have ended up with man such as him. He took you and broke you down to a level where you relied totally on him for everything. You are important to me, I look forward to coming home in the evenings, why? You're here. I looking forward to you telling me about your day, I look forward to hearing about all the little things or big thing you want to accomplish. I want to accomplish those dreams with you."
He moved his face away and stared at me.
"I love the way you laugh, it's music to my ears or the way scrunch up your nose. I love the way you curl up beside me in bed. I love the way you love helping others. I love the way you bite your lip when your trying to concentrate. I'll fight for you and with you any day. I feel like I've been waiting for you for a hundred years and I wouldn't mind waiting a hundred more for you. When I saw you, I knew. I knew you were the one. I'll be with you every step of the way, whether were together or as friends. I'm happy that you're in my life and we'll get through this with Matthew. Befor-"
I pointed at him then at me.
"Yes, WE'LL get through this. Before you know it, he'll be a distant memory." He said.
I couldn't believe it, I had someone in my corner, after years of abuse, it felt fantastic to know someone had your back.
"Thank you for always being there for me. In the short time that I've known you, you have been so dear to me. You have taken my battles and fought them and for that I'll forever be grateful. Thank you." My chest felt like it was going to explode so any emotions running through me.
I kissed him, I didnt know how to fully express myself to him so I did it in the form I know, a kiss. I let my emotions pour out into how I touched him and how I held him.
☆☆☆☆☆
Don't feel ashamed about being a victim of domestic abuse. You don't have to go through things alone, it is not your fault and you deserve help.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, we recommend you;
when it is safe for you to do so, contact the police to report your abuser
confide in someone you trust, such as a neighbour, to listen out for trouble and be close by for if you need them urgently
make arrangements so that you have somewhere to go in an emergency
think about the things you would need to take with you if you need to leave in a hurry, for example: ID, money, keys and medication
make sure your home is secure if you don't live with the abuser
tell your neighbours and local police officers who your abuser is so that they can keep a look out and alert you if they are seen in your local area.
Taken from:
https://www.cambs.police.uk/information-and-services/Domestic-abuse/Living-with-domestic-abuse