Me: Tsukushi, can you pass me the ladle? AND STOP EATING THE BEETS AKAME!
Living with the Elite Seven has been an interesting experience to say the least. It has been around 2 months since i join them on their missions, turns out they didn't get called to the gravekeeper's tomb right away after the assassination attempt which i don't mind really, using a sword with your left hand when you're right-handed is difficult as fuck. I can barely write with my left hand to begin with and it took me 3 weeks of being coached by Gozuki until i was finally able to chop wood with it. Though swordsmanship is a secondary weapons considering that i can still use a little magic but it's better that they don't know about that. I suppose i could flip my sword and use the pommel as a staff like Victor. I also discovered a lot more things about each member than what the manga mentions. Akame apparently loves cute animals like rabbits. Though seeing her monotone emotionless face holding a cat is somewhat creepy. Green is attracted to Akame as usual though he seems to make a lot of advances on her more than what i would have thought, Gozuki and Guy encouraging him probaly added to that. If Guy has green hair than i would've mistaken him as Lubbock's long lost pervert brother who, like him, consistently tries to peek at the girls. What truly shocks me is that the one punishing Guy wasn't Najasho, Gozuki, Akame or even Poney. It was the "gentle" Tsukushi who just happens to possess the ability to manifest one of the most terrifying death glares out there matched only by Esdeath's. Guy's screams when Tsukushi drags him off for "punishment" still disturbs me. Poney and Najasho seems to have their own thing developing though in a tsundere type relationship which is frankly too complicated for me to help with. Finally there is Cornelia with the only unspoken thing about her is that she like tea like how Akame likes meat. Oh and Gozuki is a polar opposite of the vile bastard i painted out to him and has an uncanny resemblance to Asgore. The only thing he's missing to be a normal father is the ability to make dad jokes.
Now, i'm making Borsch soup for the crew as i constantly watch out for a certain pantry thief raiding my ingredients. Cooking with Akame around is like eating honey next to a bee nest, she keeps eating stuffs when i wasn't looking. With me added to the team, i mostly fill the support role. Aside from cooking everybody's meals i was also responsible for hunting with Akame and maintaining equipment and restocking supplies. Things like ambushing the ambush, deflecting bombs and arrows, intel gathering is my strong suit. Since i'm the unofficial eighth member of the team, the enemies didn't expect my appearance at all. I still remember the look on one guy's face when he had the team cornered when i literally grab his ass and yeet him off a cliff. Ahh, good times.
Me: Soup is ready everybody!
Green: Oh neat.
Poney: I call first bowl! *gets glared at by Akame* I meant second bowl.
Tsukushi: Oh that smells wonderful.
As everybody gathers around by the campfire, i serve them their own bowl of warm soup. Gozuki had been called off for a meeting so he wasn't here at the moment. It was just like every meal with Green fearfully hiding his food from Akame, Poney and Najasho with their bickerings, Guy getting slapped by Cornelia for certain comments and Tsukushi is quietly eating next to me. Much to Akame's dismay, i stopped her from getting more soup despite there being more than half of the pot left. I have a feeling i know what Gozuki's meeting is about and that our little family is about to get bigger. When lunch comes to an end, my prediction was proven right as Gozuki approaches the camp with Natala, Kurome and Gin.
Gozuki: Alright everybody gather round, i have an announcement.
Najasho: Who are they father?
Gozuki: They will be joining us along our next big mission to eliminate a group of gravekeepers that have been reported to have stolen from the empire and resisted arrest. I hope you get along well as intel suggests our opponents are rather deadly so teamwork is of the essence.
Akame: Kurome?
Kurome: BIG SIS!
Huh, i was used to twisted Kurome so much that i forgot she had an innocent side like this. Everybody smiles brightly at the reunion of sisters except for Gin who has noticed me cleaning up. Gin looks around counting the number of members with confusion plastered on her face.
Gin: Umm Mr Gozuki... Who's that one-armed knight over there?
Gozuki: Oh you mean Yosif? He's our unofficial 8th member.
Natala: Unofficial? Isn't this kind of thing decided by the higher ups?
Gozuki: Eh, they didn't give a crap about it when i brought it up so i guess the decision falls to me. Yosif has already proven himself to be skillful and trustworthy so i accepted him.
Kurome: Can i spar with you Yosif?
Natala: What? Kurome you can't ju-
Me: Sure, let me clean up first.
Gozuki: Don't underestimate him by his looks Natala. Despite having lost an arm, Yosif can very well beat each of you.
Gin: Hah! What can he do?
Gozuki: Watch your tone kid, Yosif being a pushover doesn't mean we take lightly of your words. He has singlehandedly beaten 2 Oarburgh assassins without a shingu of his own or any drug enhancements like you. Not to mention how he has more intel than any of the spies we have.
Me: Now that you mention it, i do have something to say regarding the gravekeepers.
Gin: How could you possibly know anything about them if none of our spies even returned alive?
Me: They have a total of 7 elite members consisting of Arathi, Jamo, Kimatsu, Mudi, Ragu, Umber and Weneg being the leader. The tomb also has a massive number of gravekeepers and traps hidden within but i believe only the elites would cause you trouble. One of them, Mudi, is away right now on a mission meaning we would only have to deal with 6 during the assault, you may want to have scouts surround the tomb afterwards to ambush Mudi when he finally come back. The reasons that hey have proven to be a thorn so far is that they have their secret art of turning parts of their body into animals or danger beasts part which they can fully use. Keeping a distance would be ideal and stick to Tsukushi, she's the perfect counter against them with the range of Prometheus and they will target her on sight. Other than that you should be able to take down these so called elites with enough coordination and leave Weneg to me, i want to make that bastard suffer.
Everybody considered Gin's words and didn't know how to respond at my briefing of information that is quite literally impossible to obtain. I just shrug it off and smile smugly beneath my helmet at the dumbfounded Gin who is currently having problems closing her agape mouth. Kurome has started having second thoughts about sparring with me as Natala looks at me like i'm not a normal human being which he isn't wrong about.
Gozuki: I appreciate the intel Yosif but how did you acquire such things?
Me: I have eyes in the shadows Gozuki and they're closer than you think. Which reminds me, i'm calling extra backup for us on this mission. The gravekeepers don't deserve mercy.
Poney: Backup? How many are there and why do you sound so personally angry at them?
Me: It just so happens that amidst the information i gathered, i came across a disgusting fact. These assholes are supposed to be esteemed guardians of the first emperor's tomb yet they forsake their morals. They keep female prisoners as their breeders to create more offspring that inherits the secret art to strengthen their numbers. THERE IS NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD FOR SUCH FILTH! Oh and our reinforcement consists of 44 knights personally trained by me, those pricks will not stand even the slightest of chance.
I walk away for the daily hunting with the horrified gazes of the others on my back. In their eyes, i was always calm and collected. Yet i just did a total 180 showing such venom in my words that they wouldn't think possible and then another 180 back to my usual carefree tone like nothing has happened. I would be disturbed too if, for example, i see Esdeath acting like a peace loving hippy. Pushing that godawful image from my head, i realized that i have overlooked something. Kurome's as well as Gin's and Natala's drugs problem. I have an idea!
[Early afternoon]
Gozuki has just put everyone in teams against each other to see their improvements so far. Akame, Green, Kurome, Cornelia and Natala is a team fighting against Tsukushi, Poney, Guy, Najasho and Gin. Things were in a tie right now with Guy, Poney, Gin, Green, Natala and Cornelia out or the count. Now its the sisters facing off against Najasho and Tsukushi before Gozuki yells to stop the match. It was so loud that the others woke up from it. He looks around frantically before gathering everybody together.
Gozuki: Has anybody seen Yosif?
Akame: Wait... *looks around* Where is he?
Natala: I think he has gone hunting since lunch, does it usually take this long?
Green: No, he always finishes in 80 minutes at most and danger beasts are nothing but an annoyance to him.
Tsukushi: D-do you think something bad happened to him?
Gozuki: I believe Yosif can handle himself but it's still better if we split up an- *rustle* *rustle* WE HAVE COMPANY!
Everybody draws their weapons at the new rival, ready to destroy what or whoever is coming. Only to find Yosif stumbling out of the woods looking fresh from the grave. His armor was caked in dirt with branches stuck all over and sap leaking everywhere. Not to mention how he smell like shit at the moment.
[earlier]
You know in hindsight this wasn't the brightest idea going around examining EVERYTHING. Because [observe] is a basically a spell instead of an inherited trait like [true sight], i could use it even in this body as it requires no mana, just knowledge for the spell itself. I have been wandering all around the fucking forests to look for any herbs that has disease curing properties. So far, i've only found the opposite which is extremely fucking potent poisonous plants. I even tried the gross shit like dissecting danger beasts for organs and checking that but there's still no positive results. It wouldn't be too late if i wait until i have my body back right? It's not like 10 months of continuous drugs usage can deal any permanent harm. Oh who am i kidding if i wait that long then they wouldn't be able to live past the age of 25. This was a bust. Hey... where is that aroma coming from. Pushing past a few bushes, i found the source of the sweet scent in air being an abnormally large fuchsia flower amidst a sea of thorny vines.
{Bloom of everlasting beauty}
Rarity: Legendary consumable
Description: This flower only blooms once every 300 years when the right conditions are met. By consuming this flower in anyway, the user will be rid of all known diseases with the exception of curses or hexes and have their life span extended by a couple of years. Because of its rarity and magnificent healing power, the worth of one flower is equivalent to several kingdoms.
So this is where all of my gacha luck went, sitting in the middle of a random forest. This is too easy, WAY too easy. I walk past the thorns to figure out a way on how to move this massive thing back until a thought occurred to me. If this shit is so sought after... why hasn't it been discovered not being concealed? *GGRAAAOOOGHH* Oh hamburgers. The ground quakes as the flower dislodges itself from the ground gathering the vines around itself into multiple appendages. The all too familiar triggers a memory of mine about a certain boss.
Plantera, Mother Nature's Wrath
Level 110
Hp: 33600
Atk: 5600
-Play {Plantera (intense symphonic metal cover) by Fallkone}
*chuckles* I'm in danger. Victor is on the other goddam side of the continent right now which means my only hope is Sergei. He was still around Deng Zhi as i didn't give him further instructions since the Oarburgh encounter. Calling Sergei through our link, i narrowly dodge a thorn ball bouncing at me as Plantera starts moving itself closer to me. 3 hooks went in to grab me as i roll to the side and lit it up with fire. This fucking monstrosity is so strong that the plant flesh is fireproof against these weakass flames. Maybe if i had my normal abilities then i would've stood a chance but now i have to play cat and mouse with an oversized venus flytrap until Sergei arrives. How could this possibly goes wrong?
[30 painful minutes later]
SERGEI WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU! *pew* *pew* *pew* *pew* *pew* HOW MANY FUCKING SEEDS DO YOU HAVE! Delaying the fight is the worst idea i have had so far. The amount of thorn balls on the field right now is like ants, i can't see shit and now i only have about 3 square meter of safety where i have to play dodgeball with weaponized seeds. I've only gotten hit twice so far and it wasn't that bad unless you take in the fact that it feels like getting shot with self propelled can of red bull. *BOOM* OH FINALLY, now you decide to show Sergei. Come on finish it off! Sergei holds his sword steady as he plunge directly at Plantera before hitting it with [infected blade]. The attack wilts the petals as the hooks slacken. If Pokemon rules applies then Plantera being leaf just got fucked by a poison move. *RRAARRAGGGHHH* Oh great now it's on phase 2. Indigo fungi bulb sprouts from the ground as they start spreading spores everywhere. Luckily this doesn't affect me whatsoever. The seeds are now sickly green laced with poison which doesn't change much now they come in larger numbers. With swift movements, Sergei deflect all the incoming bullets as the enraged Plantera launches its 9 newly grown tentacles at him. It didn't prove difficult for Sergei to avoid those... but they continue... STRAIGHT AT ME! OH SHIT NONONONONO! It was already too late for me to panic as the tentacles wrap around me and toss me straight into Plantera's maw. *CHOMP* *CRUNCH* OH YOU FUCKING BITCH STOP CHEWING ON MY ONLY ARM LEFT! SERGEI KILL THIS THING ALREADY! The last i saw before it swallowed me was Sergei's sword glowing a bright blue as he dashes at Plantera. *KABOOOM* Plantera explodes from the impact caused by Sergei's charged attack as i was flung into the air covered in its remain and the pungent digestive sap. *CRASH* I'm gonna feel that in the morning. Serge can you pick me up, my spine is all the way messed up. *crack* ow ow ow... aah better... I walk over to pick up what's left of the flower which luckily still has its healing effect despite looking like fermented leftovers that was in the sun for 3 weeks. It still smells nice somehow so i won't complain. *clack* huh? something fell from inside the remains of Plantera. On further inspection it were a green grenade launcher and magnum laying on the ground. Almost didn't remember that this thing drops loot, no dust though... i suppose that's my own unique perk and too bad it didn't drop the zappinator but hey i'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I haven't even touched a gun before not to mention that i'm in no condition to use them, i have Sergei keep them safe and i'll eventually collect them when my body returns. Now how the fuck am i supposed to explain this to everybody in a logical sense?
[the present]
Cornelia: Yosif? *sniff* Ewww what the fuck happened to you?
Me: i'm making some medicine *walk away* call me if you need something.
Tsukushi: W-wait you didn't answer!
Me: Big ass carnivorous plant.
Gozuki: Are you sure you're ok?
Me: NO!
Akame: Then why are you so nonchalant about it?
Me: Because i'm fucking tired after having to fight a fucking danger beast the size of a fucking mountain now leave me alone as i prepare some antitoxin.
(the total inventory will not be used until Yosif regains his original body)
Total inventory:
Grenade launcher
Venus Magnum
Ascended Wraith set
Primordial's wrath: Damascus
Diadem of supreme arcane might
15 copper 53 silver 38998 gold
Current familiars:
- Sergei the Armor Demon
- Victor the Soul Of Cinder