I watch the casket be lowered into the ground but tears don't spring to my eyes like how they have been since I heard the news. I think my eyes have dried up too much now. A hand squeezes mine and I look at the young man beside me. He's a total wreck, we all are but I think he took it the hardest. I'm pretty sure he regrets not asking her out sooner or even not confessing to her that he loves her. I lean my head against his shoulders and think about all the things I regret not doing. I wish I had told her that I loved her when she called me to tell me she was leaving her house. I wish I had told her that that day back in grade 1 when I first met her was the best day I ever had or that if anything happened to her I would crumble and nothing would be able to put me back together. I wish I had told her that she was my sister, that she was my rock, she kept me going all these years even when I wanted to just give up. I wish I could tell her that I miss her so freaking much.
Blake let's go of my hand and instead puts it around my shoulder in a half hug, he buries his face into my hair and starts sobbing again. I put my arm around him and bring into a full hug and tears start brimming my eyes again but I don't let them fall. I need to be strong for him. I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Hayley, her eyes are red and there are huge eye bags under her eyes. She gives a tiny smile and I see her eyes shine with tears which causes me to extend my arm towards her and bring her into the hug. I don't know how long we stand there just trying to find comfort in each other but when we let go of each other, more than half the people are gone. I walk towards the tomb stone and trace her name,
"Jennifer Marie Campbell. You should be here standing with us instead of down there in the dark." I say quietly. Blake sits down next to me while Hayley stands at my shoulder.
"One day when we meet again, I'll ask you out, I'll take care of you the way you deserve to be treated."
"You'll always have a place in our hearts Jenn. We love you and we find comfort in the fact that you are at peace." Hayley concludes. We all take a deep breath and get up. As we start walking away, I say the thing that we all need to hear,
"We'll get through this guys...because no matter what happens, we have each other and together we can get through anything."
---
The girl in the reflection is unrecognizable, the usually bright blue eyes are dull and gray, the straight, silky, red hair is disheveled and rough, and the fair skin is pale instead. I stand in front of the mirror in the washroom intending to get ready for school but I can't seem to find the strength to do anything and my thoughts keep slipping back to Jenn. Tears start to brim in my eyes again and I wipe at them with my hands to prevent them from falling. I turn the tap on and run it till its cold before washing my face to freshen up my face but in return, it just makes my face seem blotchy and swollen while my eyes seem to get puffier. I turn the the tap off and leave the washroom just as my brother leaves his room. As soon as his eyes find my face, he makes his way towards me and he starts wrapping his arms around me but I push him back and descend the stairs before tears can spring to my eyes again. I meet my mom in the kitchen, she sets a plate of pancakes in front of me on the bar and then rests her hand on my cheek.
"I know that these past few days after Jenn's death have been very harsh on you and your friends, and I guess I just want you to know that we'll always be here for you if you need anything." I give Mom a small smile which she returns. I pick up my fork and start stabbing at my pancakes, I love pancakes, but since Jenn's death I haven't really had an appetite. I can feel my brother and Mom watching me so just for their satsfaction I take a bite. I look up at the clock and realize that if we don't leave right now, we'll be late. I get up and turn to my brother,
"Owen, let's go or we'll be late." I walk over to the door and call out, "Bye Mom!" I step outside and walk over to my car but as soon as my hand touches the door handle, Jenn's death comes to my mind. What if the same thing happens to me? Or what if something worse happens? What if I fall off a bridge? What if I mess up and get Owen killed? A shiver goes down my spine andI can feel my hand start to shake but am unable to stop it. A warm hand grabs my hand and pull it away from the handle. Owen grabs both of my hands and looks me in the eye.
"I'll drive, okay?" I feel myself nod but the doubts are stll running in circles around my head. Owen walks me over to the passenger door and as soon as I'm seated, he closes the door and gets into the drivers seat. The entire ride to school, I feel numb, like I'm not in my body. Owen parks the car in our usual spot and I look over to my right where a 2006 purple volkswagen beetle would be parked. Owen sees me looking and gives my hand a squeeze. I hate the sympathetic look he's throwing my way but I know that his intentions are pure so I just give him a broken smile before stepping out of the car and making my way to the school on my own.
The absense of my best friend next to me is overbearing and every step I take while walking down the hallway to my class reminds me of her. Even when I see Tristan DeCralo, I don't feel what I used to feel, I don't feel the butterflies in my stomach, I just feel the emptiness of Jenn's elbow when she used to elbow me in the stomach to tell me to go ask Tristan out. Even as Tristan comes up to me and says some condolenses, I don't hear it, instead I hear Jenn's laugh, her happiness when I told her that I've decided that I will ask him out. When Tristan realizes that I'm not listening to anything he's saying, he gives me a sympathetic smile and walks away. As I walk past Christen Brent, I don't feel the hatred I usually felt, I just feel Jenn's missing hand on my arm to hold me back from beating him to the pulp. I enter my economics class and take the first empty seat I can find. Just as the clock hits 8:30, my teacher walks into the class. While my teacher teaches, I try to pay attention but somehow I find myself zoning out every once in a while.
I wake up by a hand roughly shaking my shoulder.
"What?" I practically growl. I lift my head and realize that I've fallen asleep on the person next to me. As soon as my eyes meet his, I feel a shiver run down my spine. I feel like his dark eyes can see everything, all the feeling pent up inside of me, all of my darkest secrets, everything. Honestly, if looks could kill, I'd be dead right now with the way he's glaring at me.
"Great. The only time I show up to class and I'm seated next to a grumpy ass bitch who drooled all over me." He mutters under his breath causing me to match his glare with my own. From the corner of my eye, I notice that the entire class is emty. "Class ended 10 minutes ago." He adds helpfully.
"So...What are you still doing here?" I ask which seems to piss him off even more, if that's even possible.
"What does it look like, dumbass? I've been trying to wake you up," He snarls. I narrow my eyes at him and get up.
"No need to be so rude," I comment before swinging my backpack over my shoulder and turning around to walk down the steps towards the door. I hear him grab his bag and follow me but it takes him a moment to reply.
"At least I let you sleep, I could've woken you up by throwing you off my shoulder the moment you fell on me." By the time he says this, I've reached the door, so I just roll my eyes and leave the room. As I walk down the hallway to the library, I realize that since Jenn's death, this has been the only normal conversation I've had, a conversation without her name men