The lights flicker above us, but I don't notice as I'm too busy tracing the carved J on the table as we wait for our orders to come. There's no one at the restaurant except for us, and by us I mean Blake, Hayley and I. Its past closing time but its been a routine for all of us to come in at this time at least once a month on the 15th, which is why the store owner just made an exception for us. This time its different though, there's no Jenn and none of us seems to know what to talk about. It's the total opposite, before we used to have a conversation going before we even entered the place, and even though it was just us four, it would seem like the entire place was filled because of our laughter and loud conversations, but now it's like a ghost town. I'm so lost in thought that I don't realize that the food is already in front of me and that Blake has asked me a question. I raise my eyes to his and I'm pretty sure he sees the blank look in my eyes which causes him to repeat the question.
"I said, apparently the school is doing this event as a tribute kinda thing for Jenn. Are you gonna go?" I feel a surge of anger, why would the school hold an event for her when they barely knew her? It's already been a month since her funeral, why now? Why so late? When she was going through some financial crisis the school didn't care, they still made her pay the full fee, why do they care now? It's not like she's here to benefit from it. I push back my anger for the sake of my friends and just reply,
"Yeah I'll go. Are you guys gonna go?" Blake gives a small nod and then we relapse ito silence again as we quietly eat our food. It feels like Jenn was the glue that kept us together, now that she's gone, we're all drowning in our thoughts and slowly drifting apart. We all finish our food in silence before I speak up.
"So, that was fun, we should hang out again some other time," I comment slowly. I hear Blake chuckle quietly under his breath and Hayley releases a forced snort.
"Yup, it was the most fun I've had in days," Blake retorts sarcastically. As soon as the words leave his mouth, we all pause, just realizing that this has been the most fun we've had since Jenn died.
"I mean you're not wrong now, are you?" Hayley says slowly. I look up from my empty plate, and reply,
"No, he's not wrong but Jenn wouldn't have wanted this for us, she would've wanted us to get closer and talk it out, and just be happy but all we've been doing since her death has been drifting apart. We're hiding our feelings and thats not going to help us, we should confide in each other. We can't keep all our feelings inside ourselves or we'll slowly go crazy." Hayley nods but Blake is still unconvinced, he just stares ahead blankly before giving back a slow reply,
"If you really think that, why don't you try talking to us about your feelings, huh? You're the one that's been closed off this past month, not us. You've been the one not picking up our phone calls. Why? Why are you turning us away? We're slowly healing, we've been going to her grave every week together, talking out our feelings, being there for each other while you have just been closed off in your home." Blake sighs and lowers his voice before continuing. "I know that she was the closest with you but that gives you no right to push us away. We were friends with her too, we were friends with you..."He gets up and throws his burger wrapper in the trash can before turning to Hayley, "Let's go." Hayley throws me a sympathetic smile and follows Blake to the door leaving me alone at the table with just my hurricane of thoughts.
---
A shiver runs down my spine as a feeling of unease wraps around me at the empty space beside me. I grab the door handle disregarding the tiny voice in the back of my mind telling me that its a bad idea going here alone. I flash my ID at the security guard at the door and enter Crown Black, the most well-known club in town. I walk up to the bartender and order the strongest thing they have and within a few minutes I have a drink in front of me. I stare at the drink trying to recall what the bartender called it. My hands shake as I lift the cup to my mouth and take a tiny sip. I release a gasp as I feel the drink burn its way into my stomach. Usually whenever I came here, it would be Jenn doing all the drinking and I'd be the sober one to take her home. The thought of Jenn causes me to lift the cup back to my lips and down it in one shot. I turn around to the bartender and order another one which results in a uncertain look on his face.
"Are you sure? I don't think you should drink any more of that, its too strong. How 'bout I give you something not as strong as that?" He starts but before he can offer me something else, I walk up to him and say,
"I want that exact same thing, you got it? "The bartender quickly nods and then disappears for a minute before returning with the drink. Before he has a chance to say anything, I grab it from him and gulp it down. I slam my glass back down and quietly order,
"Another one." For a moment it seems like he's going to refuse but then he turns and gets me the drink. The orders keep coming and by the 5th one, I stop counting because I can't even think. The blasting music pumps my adrenaline and I get up and walk over the crowd. My hands grab someones hands and I feel their hand run along my body causing me to shiver in pleasure as their hands touch the bare skin on my thighs under my short dress. My arms wrap around their neck and our noses touch, I lift my eyes and see pits of black staring back at me with such intensity that I feel my heart skip a beat.