TIANA
I took a sharp intake of breath as I rolled my aching shoulders. Sitting in a hunched position for over two hours staring at the papers took a toll on me. My stubborn nature was going to lead me to an early grave if I wasn't careful staring at these thick books.
Tossing my head back to somehow relieve my muscles in some way I could already see I was one of the few people left. That's how its been for quite some time; I was always one of the earliest to arrive and the last to leave.
I didn't mind it though. After all, I had no real social life such that if I started living in my workplace I had no one blasting my phone.
"How have your eyes not popped out of your sockets yet?"
Looking up I found Rita smiling at me as she came to lean by the door frame. I hadn't spoken to her much. I was too drawn into my work to take the time to interact with anyone.
Although we were both working on Monica's case, given her experience I would report to her and ask for any guidance on any areas where doubt reigned free in my mind.
"What can I say, I'm strong?" I joked rubbing my temples as I placed my reading glasses onto my desk. She pursed her lips nodding her head as she moved further into the room.
"I understand, I was just like you when I started so I know what it feels like having to build your career from scratch but," she stressed taking a seat across from me," it doesn't hurt to go out and relax once in a while. A couple of us are heading out for drinks, you should come."
My eyes widened slightly as I nervously tucked a strand of curly hair out of my face. Mentally I attempted to recall the last time I had gone out with friends and had a nice time.
I caught her watching me, waiting to see if I'd accept her proposal.
I promised my mom I'd try.
It's just drinks, right?
But verbally saying it was different to doing it. Besides I had to ensure I finished the work I had set out for myself to finish.
Such that the moment my old self is about to step into the light, I'm quickly pulled back by the chains of fear and say," No thanks."
***
Filling the wine into my glass, I silently wish I wasn't spending this night alone. But I had made the choice to decline the offer to get to know my co-workers, to immerse myself in more work or get drunk whilst watching cartoons.
Tim would kill me for even being home on a Friday night. Briefly glancing at the clock on my wall it was only a few minutes till ten o'clock.
No doubt by now Tim would have been at my door. Annoyed whilst fighting the urge to roll my eyes, I'd open it whilst being simultaneously pushed to the side as he barged into my home.
"Why the hell are you wearing pyjamas?"
"I'm starting to regret telling you where I live."
He'd turn around wearing a smirk, looking down at me given the advantage he had in being just above six feet. That was one thing I adored about him, he was always smiling revealing to the world the dimple on the left side of his cheek whilst I had one on the right.
"You can never keep shit from me. And besides you need me to add more color into your life."
Sucking my teeth, I pushed past him tugging the shawl sitting on my shoulders tightly to my body," You're the reason my liver is going to have an early grave."
"Stop being dramatic!" he groaned following closely behind me," It's your birthday you NEED to go out."
"I just want to sit here and drink my wine," I whined wishing to be left alone. . .
If only I had known then that I'd have more of those chances to be left alone with only my shadow as company to drink myself into a stupor.
Plopping onto my couch just as I'm about to grab the remote, a few knocks interrupted my goal of intoxication. Confused my mind landed on the worst possible scenario- reminiscing over the last time I heard knocking on my door at night.
Holding my breath, I open the door to find it was only Nathan.
Thank God.
"Hey," he smiled as I gave a relieved smile in his direction.
"What are you doing here?"
"I went over to your mom's just to say hello but you weren't there. So. . ." he wavered to hold up a bottle of whiskey.
"I come bearing gifts."
"Well come on in," I replied enthusiastically making way for him to enter my apartment.
My muscles felt relaxed, appreciating the taste of the alcohol as it filled my system.
"Tough day, huh?" he chuckled rubbing his chin in thought as he observed me.
"You have no idea."
"Want to talk about it?"
I shook my head, now that I felt a lot more at ease; I was in no state to talk about work.
"How's the organization been going?" I asked dodging his initial question.
"Its . . . going. I'm doing my best to keep it alive but it's a lot harder managing everything," he sighed. I could see how frustrated he was and taking a closer look at him now I could see the bags under his eyes. But what he did, the way he went out of his way to help the community was admirable especially after what happened to his older sister.
"No one ever said doing good in this world would ever be easy."
He placed his empty glass onto the coffee table, rubbing a hand down his face, "You know if putting criminals behind bars ever gets boring, there's always a spot for you. A lot of the people there would appreciate hearing from you," he smirked playfully nudging my shoulder.
"Though I know you're joking," I stressed earning a light chuckle from him," It's nice to have a second option if I ever decide to switch things up. Although when I start my practice if shit hits the fan for you, I could always make you my assistant."
Laughter filled the room, and for a second I felt a bit carefree.
"I forgot how nice it was for us to hang out, almost makes you wonder why we ever stopped," he murmured offering a small smile.
"You know why?" I mumbled looking away, afraid to face the painful fact of why a part of me evaporated into nothing.
"T. . ." he sighed biting his lip, I could see he was fighting himself, mulling over what to say.
"It's getting late," I mumbled, he watched me closely and quickly shook his head snapping his mouth shut. He stood up quietly and reached out to pick up his empty glass.
"It's fine!" I cringed slightly when I heard just how harsh my voice came out as I grabbed the glass from his hand," I can clean up. Don't worry about it."
"I guess I should head out then," he said quietly putting on his jacket. I followed closely behind him feeling terrible at how my demeanor had drastically changed.
Once he stepped outside I quietly muttered," I don't me-"
"It's alright, you don't have to explain yourself," he smiled kindly," Just . . . don't disappear on us again, I'd like to think you'll really talk to me when you're ready." I nodded my head, grateful for him not wanting to push me or finding offence in my actions. As he left I watched his profile take sturdy steps on the sidewalk, wondering if that day would ever come.
Clicking the door quietly shut, I lean my head against it sighing softly. Moving around, I ensure I've cleared up everything stopping short to stare at my half-filled glass, no longer interested in its contents.
I grimaced when I caught sight of the makeshift workspace I created noting how imperative it was I stop procrastinating on going to buy a desk. I moved the books I had placed on the counter stopping short in confusion when I came across Tim's manuscript.
I had been meaning to look at his work and now a part of me felt eager to read it.
Eager to feel an ounce of comfort in his words that often made me question the strings that held life into the shape it was. Picking it up I took a seat no longer fascinated by the images splayed on the TV screen. Running my petite hand over the cover page, in a delicate caress.
Opening the first page- my eyes zoom in on the first title, typed out in big, bold capital letters: AN ODD PAIR:
I, myself have no idea how to describe our love
Other than some unexpected twist of fate.
All I do know is when I did need love
While searching for it, you were never late.
You, yourself prefer the sunny breeze
I'm more into the scenes of the night.
You handle any problem, casually with ease
Whilst I take on the challenge and fight.
I, myself see beauty in all I find
Whereas, you're more on the cynical side,
And always ensure in your plans I'm never left behind.
You know, in us, I'm forever in this ride.
You, yourself enjoy the presence of darkness-
Which is the one beast I dread.
You live life in the thrills of a harness
However, I find thrill with imagination in my head.
We, ourselves are opposites in all senses.
To many our pairing is unrefined,
Affection pays no dues to senses,
For true love can make any combination well defined.
I hadn't realized I was crying until the page was marked with evidence of what I felt. It always amazed me how Tim portrayed things, put things into perspective such I started to envy the kind of love he spoke of. For a guy who could be quite perverted in his description of the opposite sex I wished I was able to call him; laugh at his sappy romantic nature, but tell him all in one breath how much I hoped to find a man who could see love like that.
I want to smile.
Anytime I try to I'm reminded of the danger that's been following me since the day I was born