Not long after the team meeting, Juby sits alone in the conference room, rapping her nails against the obsidian table and resting her cheek against her hand. From Oto's office, Molly and Hal enter, the former smiling and the latter still being Hal.
"Hi there! I'm Molly. This is Hal. And you must be Unnamed Guest, unofficially dubbed 'Juby,' of Unna—"
"Just Juby."
Molly keeps smiling. "Alright then! Hal will be conducting your interview today. I'm going to... go inside this room." She re-enters Oto's office.
Juby groans. "I wouldn't be applying if Juno hadn't guilt-tripped me into doing so. Just gimme the questions, so we can get this over with."
Hal sits across from her and stares down at a little, black notebook. "Tell me about yourself."
"Well I'm an intergalactic influencer and activist leader, primarily focused on alien and eternal life rights. I started my career when my planet seceded from Dobbon-Yeu in the hopes of forming our own culture, but unfortunately we only ever—"
"That's great. How did you hear about this position?"
"What?"
"Why do you want this job?"
"I don't."
"Are you more of a pulp or no pulp orange juice person?"
"Alright, we're done."
"I have more questions I need to ask you."
"No, I said we're—"
Molly returns. "That's great!" She is hauling some equipment, including a metal detector, a backscatter x-ray, an audiometer, a depth perception test, three post-secondary education entrance exams, a weight scale, a mass scale, panko bread crumbs, the funny looking dog, two and a half spoons, a 22.5 feet steel chain leash with a nylon handle, paper, and the letter "W." "Now we need to measure your weight and height."
Juby blinks. Molly shuffles her onto the scale and checks it.
"You weigh nothing."
"Thank you." A small smirk creeps onto Juby's lips.
Molly kneels and stacks the spoons beside Juby's feet. "You're going to need a waiver for your height."
"This is so stupid."
Hal shakes his head. "Oof, anger management issues. Maybe you could come back in a few weeks with your comprehensive medical records for the past five years? And a letter from a licensed therapist, whom we will assign you, stating that you no longer require treatment?"
"Also, dear," Molly adds. "I've noticed that you've never referred to either of us as 'sir' or 'ma'am'? Not that doing so renders you a better candidate, but guests like it when you treat them with a modicum of respect?"
"And the funny looking dog doesn't seem to like you? That's disqualifying."
"Oh, I'll give you something to disqualify me for." Juby's antennae flash. At the sight, Sir foams at the mouth, pupils dilating. When the light subsides, she's shifted into a behemoth. She has a hard, mechanical, and wire-ridden shell, but her skeletal structure is wolf-like. Her open mouth reveals a sloppy, wet tongue. However, she is still, clearly, a ghost and also still, as evident from her antennae, Juby. Her head bangs against the ceiling every time she moves.
Molly and Hal look at Juby, then at Sir, then back at Juby, and they laugh.
Juby bares her humongous tusks and lunges at Sir. Before she can lock her jaws around it, it wiggles its paws and grows fingers. With its now human hands, it grips Juby's tusks and slams her from one wall to the other, again, and again, and again. It lets her fall. She looks up. Sir is now twice her size, and the room has accommodated for the growth. Sir looks down and cracks its knuckles. Juby tries standing. Sir pushes down. She tries again. Sir is merciless.
Molly glances at the little, black notebook. "Cross off 'maid' on her list of job opportunities," she says to Hal.
"Are you sure? She's tenacious. She could make a really good tank."
"Maybe, but I don't like her, so I don't care to find out."
Hal chuckles and crosses it off. Sir wags his tail and pounces, sending the obsidian table, chairs, and Juby flying to the walls. She falls again. Her face marks the floor.
After barely dodging the subsequent blow, Juby scampers away. "There's no way Juno underwent the same application process!"
"He did, and he was a perfect candidate." Molly pushes up her glasses. "Scored pretty well on the entrance exams, too."
"And the dog actually liked him," Hal adds. "By the way, you might need these." He throws Juby the leash, bread crumbs, and "W."
Juby lets it all fall, save for the leash, which she catches in her mouth. She lassoes it at Sir. It slaps the leash back, smacking her face.
"Could you make your animal sit?" She snarls.
Molly is still smiling. "Just ask him to, dear!"
Juby whips back to Sir. "Could you perchance act like the submissive creature you're supposed to be?"
Hal snickers. "Such suitable words for a rights activist."
Molly grits her canine fangs at Juby. "'Could you perchance act like the submissive creature you're supposed to be, Sir?'"
"I beg your worshipped, cherished, treasured pardon?"
"It only responds to 'Sir'! That's its name, you ear-bleeding turd!"
Juby huffs. "Sit, Sir!"
Sir's eyes widen. It tilts its head, turns around, and licks its penis. Its paws reek of something like corn chips. The scent floods the room. Juby flares her nostrils at Molly and Hal, both of whom can't stop laughing.
Juby eyes Sir's long, pointy ears thoughtfully. "Hm..." Her antennae beam and spin upward, shooting spirals of white light all around the now vast conference room. Shifting back to her default form, she picks up the leash. She grips her antennae's orbs in each of her hands like handles, then flashes them like turn signals. "Hey, Sir! Suck my delectable, adorable orbs, Sir!"
Sir spins his grinning head around like an owl, eyes dilating. Juby grins in return. Sir turns his whole body to face Juby, mouth foaming. Juby grips the leash tighter. Sir bows playfully. Juby takes a step back. Sir rears his hind legs. Juby gulps. Sir charges at Juby. Juby screams.
She leaps, flips, and grabs Sir's ears like handles, as she did with her antennae. After clicking the carabiner onto the collar, Juby tugs the leash and rides Sir like a steed, sort of. Sir rolls over and squashes her, but she does get him to sit, eventually. Molly and Hal walk to her crumpled form.
"Excellent work, Juby! Now we need to check your depth perception." Molly holds up a card with five circles. "Which of these circles seems closest to you?"
Before Juby can cry, Todd enters from the main hall. "SQUAWK!"
Juby smiles as he helps her up. "Thanks, Todd."
"Huh?" Molly looks to Juby, then to Todd. "Are you sure?"
"SQUAWK!"
"Okay," Hal says, circling 'concierge' on the list. "She's kind of insufferable though..."
Todd walks to Oto's office, beckoning Juby to come too. Before she does, she throws two peace signs in the air and winks. As the door shuts, Hal and Molly scan the surrounding mess. Chairs, equipment, paperwork, and panko bread crumbs litter the floor. The white board displays pure word vomit. The ceiling is scuffed all over. Neither Sir nor the room have shrunk down to normal size. Molly sighs and hands Hal a broom.
He grabs it and grumbles, "This is so stupid."