Chereads / Thanatology!! / Chapter 16 - 16.0

Chapter 16 - 16.0

Three weeks later. The team has been boosting Oto's public image. Molly and Todd have joined forces in PR planning, creating a quirky cocktail of empathy with an added zest of commercialism.

For example, Hal and Oto have been producing PSAs, but they all come across more as advertisements. Oto often repeats lines like, "If you die now, your room will come with a FREE tea set! Offer ends while supplies last. Ghosts cannot digest tea." Hal doesn't mind, so long as he stays behind the camera.

Hoping to recruit, Hal has also spoken to upstanding and intelligent guests, from door to door, promoting job opportunities. He can't force these guests to work, as that would be a very hellish thing to do, and this is absolutely not Hell, not at all, not even a little bit, get that silly thought out of your head. Geez. So he's doing his best with simple conversation. It is torture for everyone involved.

Meanwhile, Cheron and the maid corps have shouldered most of the heavy-duty reapings and client reports. On deployment, when she finishes her to-reap lists, Madame Muffinpie does favors for the living. She once helped a cat out of a tree, then returned the poor creature to its febrile, geriatric owner. The whole ordeal gave Madame Muffinpie an out-of-body experience.

Juby has slowly but not surely acclimated to the Hotel. She often transforms into guests, so she can escape shifts. Because of this, she is under constant supervision, especially when she has to contact her lackeys in the living realm. The Death to Death Association, better known as the "Double Ds" (still working on that name) have radically shifted their focus from killing Death, to convincing intergalactic politicians and reporters that he isn't so bad. The members are rightfully confused with the change, but they never protest. They're just happy to hear from Juby again, too loyal for their own good.

And Juno is very nearly content doing whatever work is handed to him. At present, he, Todd, and Juby sit at the reception desk, awaiting guests and reviewing their schedules.

Juby collapses in her swivel chair. "When you were crying and begging me to fix Death's garbage PR, I thought we'd be back in the mortal realm, traveling the universe and talking to crowds."

Juno inhales. "I wasn't crying."

"But, no, I've just been making phone calls and standing around. Sometimes, if I'm really behaved, I get to sit."

"Uh-huh..." He whips out his phone and snaps a picture of Todd holding two feathery thumbs up. He posts the photo to Oto's now cloying Hivemind account, with the caption, "#BLESSED".

Juby's ectoplasmic stomach rolls.

Juno closes the phone and turns to her. "There's a press conference tomorrow, Juby. Just be patient and keep yourself busy. The guests need help." Juno lugs a monster of paperwork to the ground. "We need help."

"Of course you do."

"You don't want to stand again, do you? Behave yourself." He notices someone approaching. "Especially now."

A large, tentacular, plant creature with no face or discernible orifices slogs to the desk. It is one of the voracious plants Molly and Madame Muffinpie slew in the garden. Who knew it had a soul?

Juno nudges Juby expectantly. She cocks a brow. He mouths to her, "How may I help you?"

"What? Oh, nah. I'm fine. Thanks though."

He kneads his face and turns to the guest. "Hello there. Sorry about that. How may we help you?"

The soul slaps two soggy tentacles over the desk. Juby yelps.

"Ah." Juno reaches for one of the lower cabinets. "One moment. Lemme retrieve your file." After digging through a box labeled "PLANTS (...???)", he picks file "PL #234747-OB" and sifts through it. "It says here that your next appointment is in 'The room filled with pimento grilled cheese paperclips. Just stuffed to the brim with that specific thing. I know it seems like a very human pleasure, and that may be unbelievable, but understand that Earth, a hedonistic haven, did not attract refugees arbitrarily.' That's exactly what it says here. Huh. Anyway, you're gonna wanna head to six-west. The elevators are right behind us." He gestures with his thumb.

The plant sways. It slowly reaches a tentacle behind Juno's and Juby's backs. Juby swats away.

"Oh, sorry!" Juno waves his hands around. "I meant—"

"He didn't mean literally behind us, you slimey, spaghetti-lookin' simpleton."

Juno spins Juby's chair into a heap of files. On impact, the papers splash like autumn leaves. It's kind of epic. "I meant behind the reception desk. Just keep going straight." He gestures.

The guest nods. Before it schleps away, it turns to Juno again and sprouts a head of flowers. They look like popcorn.

Juno smiles. "Until next time, Plob!"

Juby hobbles up and frowns. "How'd you know its name?"

"I didn't." Juno picks up the mess of files then walks them to Todd. "I thought maybe she'd like one."

"Yeah, one that's not stupid."

Juno shrugs. "I don't know. Still better than no name."

He is not looking at her anymore. The two men (attempt to) discuss and list guests' appointments, primarily punishments. The discourse consists of Juno guessing Todd's suggestions and grossly underestimating their level of cruelty. Juby takes a long look at Juno.

Her gaze lowers to her nametag. She mutters, "Unnamed Concierge, unofficially dubbed 'Juby'." She frowns. "Why am I even doing this?"

Juno returns to her. "Wuzzat?"

"Why am I working here! I thought I was supposed to be Death's speech coach!"

"PR officer."

"Screw you."

"And you need to be a high-ranking employee, at least a lieutenant, to even get access to the servant's quarters, or the storage spaces, or the armory, or Death's offices, and, even then, it's, like, impossible to navigate the computers unless you're a manager, so, basically—"

"Screw this whole place." Juby huffs her bangs away. "It's all just a painfully boring journey to reach a painfully boring destination, everything is pointless, and nothing is fair."

Juno laughs. "Welcome."

An unseen phone rings. Its vibration tips over a tower of files. A low, irritated squawk escapes Todd's beak like fumes. The bellhop picks up the phone and answers to Cheron.

"Juno," she says. "Please bring Juby to the suite."

"Uh, sure thing." He looks at Juby. "She'll be right up."

"I said bring her, which means you, too." Cheron's voice dims. "We need someone she'll listen to."

The call ends.