I haven't really ever been in bad terms with my sister.It was way after she moved out, I realised what effect she had on me,how brainwashed I was. I always though of her as my personal best friend. I didnt realise i was become more and more like her everyday, she was brainwashing me to be more like her. That could be a good thing for most people, being like their older sisters, but my sister didn't have the best personality. She felt threatened by my cheerfulness and decided to diffuse her darkness into my soul, and I didnt even notice until i was finally alone. Thanks to her, now I'm filled with every find of insecurity. I am insecure of my speech, my looks, my body, my walk, my movement, everything. And the insecurity got stronger when I had someone to impress.
Everytime Connor played with my hair, i felt like he wouldn't like it and leave me. Everytime he touched me I felt like he would leave me for the imperfections of my body. Everytime I said something , or answered his questions, I felt like he would leave me because he found me dumb. I was overthinking more than I should and it totally annoyed my friends. I felt like he felt offended everytime I showed my insecurities. He looked at it like a burden. He would sometimes even get angry at me if I got too far. And then I would run ahead and apologise, and then he got mad because I apologise.
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I have known Samantha the longest. We have been best friends since high school. The duo soon turned into a trio when Catherine became our dormmate in college. Samantha understood my angel side more and Catherine, my devil side. They are both great people, great friends, but they see me, know me as different people. However, they seem to love and embrace whichever side they see me in. Samantha is truly a pure hearted person, maybe that is why she would never understand why I hate my sister so much, the sister who loved and cared for me, tended for me and looked after me.
Both Sam and Cath adored Connor. I should be happy that my boyfriend and my best friends are getting along so well. But it was from the first week I understood that my fling with Connor would not last long. My insecurities and his point of view of seeing things would never match. Connor had to be really blind to not notice that the strings attatched are breaking. He said he loved me, but he never respected my personality. I do not have the best personality thanks to my sister, but shouldn't he embrace that before telling me he loves me. What does he love if he doesnt love what I am. However, I'm super scared to bring it up, because I feel like along with losing a perfectly good boyfriend, I would end up losing my best friends. I felt like all these things were building up inside me and I was simply unable to let them go. My soul was unable to breathe, unable to feel. In my body, my soul felt ice cold, so frozen, it would shatter anytime. I impact the people around me more than I should, maybe that is why I am afraid to let it all out. I do not want to burden anyone with my unreasonable anxiety.