Goodbyes. Is there anything more dreaded than saying goodbye for the last time? Sometimes we don't know when our last goodbye is. Other times we countdown to the very moment we know we'll have to say our last goodbye to someone. And saying goodbye to someone that's so near and dear to us just makes the whole deal that much harder. Sometimes I wish for a world where we never had to say goodbye. That's what I believed heaven to be. A world without goodbyes.
It can't be.
It was definitely her.
But how?
My heart was suddenly racing. I hadn't felt like this in years. This rush, these emotions, all so unfamiliar to me.
"Excuse me sir? Is anything wrong?"
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"Sir is there anything I can do for you?"
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"Oh sorry, I just realized something, I need to go, just keep my order ready I'll come and collect it later or send someone- "
Saying that, I rushed out of the door, chasing a face that I hadn't seen in 7 long years.
Thoughts raced in my head. My heart was in my mouth. My mind took me back to the last time I saw her.
7 years ago
It was just like any other day. I woke up around 10:30. I was back home, after wrapping up my final year in university.
Something seemed off, the villa was eerily quiet. I was taking a few weeks off before starting to look for a proper job. I walked up to the living room. My parents were waiting for me for some odd reason.
"Son, we have news."
At this point, my heart started racing. What could possibly have happened. My mind was contemplating 1600 different possibilities when they presented me with a letter.
I read. I read again. I couldn't believe my eyes.
SURPRISE!!!
At that moment my friends and family came crashing through the door. I was still in shock. A few weeks ago, I had applied for a dream job in NYC. I never thought I'd get it, the odds were less than 1 in a million and it was something I did for the heck of it. I never expected this moment to arrive.
I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be jumping around with joy. But I stood there silently with no reaction. Why did I feel... sad? It made no sense to me. Then I realized. Taking this job meant that I would leave the only place on earth that I ever wanted to call a home. Leaving Dubai and leaving ...her.
"Son, we've already booked your ticket. Business class, just like you've always wanted. You leave in a month!"
"I do?"
"Yes son, the company will send the required papers in a week's time to deal with your visa processing. We have a busy time ahead of us. Chances are you won't be able to come back for at least two years."
I was feeling anything but happy at the time but I faked a smile for the sake of the crowd and for the sake of my family.
4 hectic weeks later
I told my mom I'd be heading out for a walk. I had less than 24 hours left. It had been a long time since I had gone walking. I was admiring the view I had seen a million times before.
"Leaving without saying goodbye?"
I could hear that voice a billion times more and it would still bring butterflies to my stomach.
"Actually I was just about to text you-"
"You know I hate texting."
I did know that. However I also didn't know if I had what it took to say goodbye to her face. I never told her I cared about her as deeply as I did, but she knew. At least, I think she did.
Goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end, it simply means I'll miss you until we meet again.
What a cliche quote. One that you see on every goodbye card at hallmark. Yet, somehow, that's all that came to my mind at the time. I wanted it to be true so bad at that moment.
"Let's take a walk shall we?"
My heart was pounding when I said this.
"Sure."
We walked and talked about various things. I remember every word. I have replayed it in my mind a 1000 times over. See, the thing about goodbyes is, no matter how much you mentally prepare yourself for it, you're never really ready for it. I didn't want that day to end. I wanted to walk like that forever. But alas, life doesn't work that way.
"Oh, look at how time flies. I need to go pack a few more things."
"You've had a month to pack and you're still not done?"
I was chuckling when she said this and responded with
"Well, it's tradition in my family to pack the night before."
"Stay. Just a few more minutes."
Fun fact: I could never say no to that face. I struggled with it. I hated saying no to anything she asked me to do.
"Okay."
Tell her. You won't get another chance.
"Listen, Jewel, I need to tell you something."
"What is it?"
Okay. Big moment here. Time to tell her to her face.
"I - I really like you."
"I know."
Silence.
"You know what, I - I should probably go, packing and stuff you know."
I didn't wait for her to say anything. I think she said something as I walked away but my mind didn't register anything. I was shaken. I could barely register where I was going.
I was already on the plane when I realized I never said goodbye.
The present
I was thinking of all this while chasing after her. I almost lost her in the crowd. Then I saw her from behind. I went up to say hi and
"Heyyy."
"I'm sorry, do I know you?"
I stood there for a moment. It was someone else. I apologized for the inconvenience and was walking back to Starbucks when I heard that voice. Not the voice that made my heart skip a beat, but the voice that reminded me I had a heart because it would make my heart do hoola hoops.
"Miss me?"