With Sheryl gone and Maddie tucked in bed, he makes his way to his room to wait. For weeks now, Brody has been away at school. But this week, he is back in town, and tonight he's coming over to continue their odd relationship.
Brody will know to come in on his own and make his way into Shane's room. The two's odd habits have become almost routine.
He hears the door slam downstairs and Brody's footsteps coming up the steps. No need to pretend otherwise; Shane is standing in the middle of his room when his friend appears, shutting the door behind him.
Brody laughs, shaking loose droplets of rain from his hair. Did it already start raining out there?
"Were you waiting for me?"
"Just took a shower. Did you want me to be spread out on the bed, pretending to read a book?"
"No..." He looks at the bed, judging its distance. "Cause then I couldn't do this."
With one large step, he is face to face with Shane. After a sharp peck of a greeting kiss, he grabs his shoulders and roughly pushes him, falling in place on top of him on the creaking bed to continue.
Shane says through gasps, "You know I don't like that."
Brody moves his lips to his neck and mumbles, "I like how wide open it leaves you. The shock makes you that much sexier. Did you think about what I said? Let's go further tonight."
"Don't you have a girlfriend?"
"Yeah, so?"
"And don't you plan on marrying her?"
"Of course. If not her, then some other woman. All the more reason to have fun now before being completely tied down."
"Umph." Brody turns them over.
What am I doing...? Shane knows nothing will come of their relationship long term. He knows, and yet, it's as if his whole being rejects that obvious truth. He does like kissing him, and Brody does have a really nice body. Though Zach had the perfect mix of muscle and height. This guy is a lot taller than Zach. And conversations? Brody opens up sometimes, but do they ever have real conversations? He and Zach used to talk for hours about their families, Shane's dreams for the future, both of their likes and dislikes.
Zach. Will he ever be able to forget? Zach Zach ZACH. How many times in a day did that word have to come up! His lips feel stiff, his brow aching, not relaxing. Why is Zach on his mind even though he's about to sleep with another guy?
But, he thinks, we did agree we would both find out what love is. How am I supposed to know if I never experience it, if I don't even try. Yeah. I should at least try. Just in case...you ever decide to come back.
Breaking away, Shane takes his shirt off and reaches for Brody's who unbuttons it on his own with ease, allowing Shane to yank it away and discard it to the floor. The rain falls heavier on the roof.
It was the end of summer when he left, too. The rain was such a force then, but stopped for so long after that day.
The window Shane left open leaks in the moist air, making the room seem hotter and heavier than it was just minutes ago. His hair still damp from the shower drips like sweat. Brody's body heat mixed with the humidity adds to his accelerated breathing. The lamp across the room is the only source of light and seems to cast odd shadows on the walls around him.
Taking the lead because that's what he senses Brody wants him to do, he puts his weight on him, lowering them deeper into the bed with his pillow just above their heads.
This is...familiar. No, this isn't Zach under me. Perfect; honest Zach.
Still, remembering that day he got this far with him makes his breathing become even deeper, putting him in a trance. Zach had stopped him because it was so unexpected.
Or was it because he didn't want to?
No, that's impossible! The thought angers him, and he takes it out on Brody by accident, forcing himself on him, burying his shoulders into the mattress with a push and attacking his lips almost with a snarl. The boy's arms fall from around his neck as he accepts the rough treatment.
He is sure now that Brody would never be okay with a woman pinning him down in this way. It would make her seem more in charge, more powerful. So why does he want that from him, another male? Sometimes this kid pretends he wants control over every moment and conversation, but in situations like this, Shane is the only one to see his true feelings, what he really wants. That should make him feel special, but instead, he feels pity for the boy. He cannot imagine living for the rest of his life without being honest about what it is he really wants.
Shane raises his body and trails a hand slowly down Brody's chest, over his wiry muscles and toward his hips.
What I really want? What do I want? He bites lightly on Brody's lower lip and feels the boy's hands on his own body, finding their strength again. Brody's long arms trace up the sides of his thighs.
He hears thunder rolling in the distance like a calm purr and slides one hand under the curve of Brody's lower back while pulling obviously at his pants button and zipper with the other.
Brody lets out a breath, and that's when Shane realizes that despite the current scene, he had been lost in his own thoughts and forgotten for a moment that Brody is even there and this is really happening.
And what is happening?
Shane's fingers move more carefully, and he moves his lips to Brody's neck and collar. Brody's hands remain gripping Shane's thighs, and his breathing becomes more earnest, already matching what is happening beneath the other boy's light touch.
Shane continues the path of his lips onto his chest and then his stomach, and as Brody grips tighter on his thighs he responds by flexing his hand under Brody's back and digging his fingers into his skin. Brody's back arches slightly above the pressure. He feels hotter beneath his touch and his breathing is excited, impatient.
If he's being honest, he's not entirely sure what to do next, but disregards that and lingers his lips' path down Brody's stomach, hand still lightly touching their destination, wondering whether he should be more excited about what's happening.
Does it even make sense to do this right now?
After pushing that thought away, three things happen almost simultaneously which drastically change the outcome of the night.
Lightning flashes into the room, illuminating everything momentarily and blinding him despite his facing away from the window.
The bedroom door bursts open, revealing his panicked sister needing comfort even during the gentle storm.
And an image breaks into Shane's mind with such force he feels left blinded even after the lightning fades from the room. An image of Zach the last day they were together, before the goodbyes, before the argument, before the question about love. He can see him so clearly, it's as if he is there with him in the room. And as he focuses more on that face in his memory, the expression, the nervous movements that were never in the boy's mannerisms until that day, Shane wants to die of guilt.
He realizes now why Zach had that unique look, what that sincere question meant. And he curses himself. He curses himself for not seeing it that day and he cursed himself for what he was about to do tonight. Because, as he'd just said himself, does it even make sense? Isn't it true that you would want to make love only to someone who loved you?
That's exactly how Zach would see it.
That's why he would steel himself to ask Shane if he loved him. It's why he would want him to say it clearly, in words, and with honesty.
As all these moments unfold at once, Shane's hands pull back from his partner's body as if electrocuted.
"Nin-nin-nin! Nin-nin!" his sister begins chanting in horror, rocking herself back and forth in his doorway.
Brody props himself up in annoyance. "Ugh. What the hell?" He snatches the pillow and throws it at the door. "Get outa here, freak!"
Shane can't help but remember Zach's first night in his house. His sister came in that time, too, and they all slept on the floor side by side, Maddie happy in between them, Shane holding Zach's hand so innocently. He had been so understanding and loving toward his sister, even after meeting her just once.
"Tell her in whatever language she needs to understand. I can't get in the mood with her making that miserable racket."
Shane takes a deep breath, suddenly grateful to his sister.
"You need to leave."
It takes a moment for Brody to realize he's speaking to him. He scoffs lightly.
"My sister needs me right now. And I just realized...I don't love you and I don't want to sleep with you. I'm not sure I ever did, even up to a few moments ago."
Brody pushes him out of the way and snatches up his shirt from the floor.
"Man, screw you. No, screw your sister for all I care." He then pushes Maddie with one arm to move her from his path, and she hits the wall hard with a sob.
Shane is up in a flash and punches the boy harder than he means to. The momentum sends them both to the floor where he pins him down with his hands and knee.
"I don't want you coming near my sister or this house ever again. Do you understand me?" Shane has no idea what his face looks like to the boy he just punched, but Brody stares at him for a moment, glances at the girl he pushed, and seems like he's going to say something but bites his lip to stop himself.
Brody would never lower himself to verbally apologize for something that is already done. But Shane accepts the apology anyway in his mind.
He pushes him off and stomps out, and Shane rises to help his sister who is now cowering silently in the corner.
"Oh, Maddie."
She's never been treated roughly in her entire life, but Shane knows how strong she is. She'll be just fine. He drapes his blankets onto the pillow already on the floor and pulls her down toward them to lay beside him. When she finds her voice again and begins to panic, he whispers to comfort her.
"Shh, it's okay. It's okay." He rocks her back and forth in his arms and asks, "Hey, sis?" She doesn't answer but is silent now.
"What do you think love is?"
She says nothing, and Shane is left once again to his own thoughts.
Then, "Dak. Dak, dak, nin nin nin."
He laughs, smoothing down her hair. "Do you remember Zach?"
"Dak-dak-dak-dak-nin-nin-nin." She holds her hands together on her chest as if they are the two boys entwined in her heart, squeezing them tightly against one another, and quickly falls asleep.
Tears spill out from Shane's blinking eyes onto the hard floor beneath his head. "I miss him, too. Do you think he remembers us, sis? Do you think, maybe," he breathes in raggedly, his throat catching with each word, "he'll...come back home..so I can tell him...what I learned about love?"
He wipes his wet cheek on her shoulder. "I'm so stupid, sis."
________________
Zach rips the handwritten page from his notebook. He hasn't written even one word in it for the four years he's been back at home. It's odd to see his words in its pages. Now both parents will have read his words—both times, about his decision to leave them behind for the place that feels like home.
"Are you leaving, then?"
A lump forms in his throat as he turns to face the voice behind him.