I silently wipe the tears, sniffling, rubbing my sore eyes with the palm of my hand, clinging on tighter to my stuffed elephant on my bed.
I have to go to school tomorrow. I really don't want to. I can barely go an hour without having some kind of mental breakdown.
Someone killed my brother. someone used a knife to slit my brother's throat and end his life. someone left my innocent brother there on the ground while he took his last breaths.
The whole neighbourhood heard about it and many came to the funeral smiling at us with fake pity painted on their faces. offering their condolences and apologising, apologising for what?
It isn't fair that people get to simply show sympathy and fake tears for a couple of minutes and then are able to get back to their normal lives without having to leave someone they love 6 feet under the ground.
I know they all mean well, but honestly, nothing's gonna bring Adi back. I wish it had been me who left instead. Adi never deserved to go through this. Now he's gone and left all of us broken with pieces too small to fix. he left too soon, Damnit. he had so many plans. So many things to look forward to. He was gonna graduate this year, he got accepted into his dream uni in California and everything was so...set for him. he had everything worked out. and in a matter of seconds. poof.
I'm never gonna have anyone to steal hoodies from, have anyone tease me while having dinner and embarrass me in front of friends? It's all gone.
I try not to think about it I squeeze my eyes shut forcing the tears to stop. Today I found out they ruled out his death as a homicide. They barely tried and case closed. Is that what Adi's life is worth for the police? My heart aches. A loud crash startles me coming from the living room. knowing it was only Ma, probably drunk out of her mind once again, for the 4th night straight stumbling in.
I brace myself before walking in to clean after her. I don't want to sound snobbish and I'm aware of how tough this would be for her but. I miss him too. so so much, and her treating me like I'm not even there makes things so much harder for me. I- it's like I'm not her child. shes lost her favourite one and now she's done, she's broken to the point where she doesn't even love me anymore, or even if she does she doesn't show it.
a deep sigh passes by me as she shoves past me to totter herself to her room, slamming the door shut, ignoring my complete presence. In a way, I feel as if she blames me for his death too.
After clearing up her mess, I numbly go back to my room and continue with my only cycle of routine, and most probably the only human-like thing I've done the past few days, I sleep, and wish I never have to wake up again.
I barely get a few hours of sleep before I am yet again awakened by another nightmare, scaring away even the thought of going back to sleep from my head. This time it was me who drives the knife that killed him into his gut as he simply stares at me, with nothing but love in his eyes before dropping to the ground, in pain.
I woke up with my pillow wet of tears and a heart rate as fast as a bullet. To calm me down I frantically look around for water before grabbing the bottle from the desk in my room and gulping it down. With my now slightly calmer state, I walk back to my bed with tired eyes. Too afraid to close my eyes and let my mind wander, I lean under my bed to grab and pull out a small cardboard box.
It really isn't much, but what this box holds? it's worth more than any diamond or jewels could ever. This box had my very last memories of Adi, thing's we would steak from each other in our childhood. our whole lives that bound us together was in this box. every memory, every single piece of evidence that proves that my brother was more than just a fading dream or living nightmare.
I open up the box allowing myself to let my eyes water, once again. The box had a few of our old toys, Adi's Bon Iver poster rolled up, he was their biggest fan. or their biggest stalker anyways. It was neatly rolled up in the corner of the box, along with a few of his journals, Adi had a habit of dictating his life, almost as if he were narrating his life for the future. I open one of his oldest journals, the 2009 one, and smile at his scrawny handwriting, probably worse than a 4th grader, but considering that he probably was in the 4th grade I let out a breathy laugh.
12-08-09
"Dear journal,
ew, it still sounds girly, man how does the kid from diary of a wimpy kid do it? okay nevermind. anyways. TODAY WAS SO COOL.
Ma, Cierra and me went to Uncle Carl's the past week, the drive there though, was pretty far considering it took like, 170000 hours-"
I roll my eyes, even back then he was such a drama queen. A delicate smile threatens to form on my face while I continue reading.
"C forgot her stupid bunny and was whining the WHOLE way there. it was incredibly annoying. But it's alright cause Uncle Carl took me out today to his car with him and we had the biggest water fight ever!
Even Ma joined in and now C has a cold so Uncle Carl took me to get her a new bunny thinking it would make her feel better. We found her an ugly rabbit toy and on the way back we had my favourite ice cream and he introduced me to this series called 'Starwards' or something. I know it sounds super lame and all, but uncle Carl said he loved it when he was my age.
Since we're staying here for the rest of half term break, I have a feeling we're gonna have the best holiday ever!"
My vision starts to blur so before I lose it I flip a few pages ahead and read.
"C and I snuck out after everyone slept to Ma's old treehouse in the backyard and had a whole movie marathon on scary movies today, which probably wasn't the best idea cause C ended up crying and got us caught, that little baby I swear.-"
A laugh escapes me at that, it really wasn't my fault. I swear! Who lets an 8-year-old watch conjuring alone!?
"-We spent a lot of time in the basements looking for old memories of Ma in school and she looks so much like C it's scary. Tomorrow we're going to have a picnic with the rest of our family friends and even Silias might come!! if Aunt Mari allows, that is. He's my best friend.
**update**
so, we just got back from the park and IT WAS SO HECTIC. Silias ended up coming which was great! we got there around 2 pm which literally made me evaporate in the heat but I couldn't complain because girls were around.
Anyways, we got these weird bike buggies and us 'kids' were supposed to go and 'have fun' i honestly would rather be at home playing on my Nintendo, but Ma took it away and said we needed to 'socialise' more, like. who even does that any more? So we ended up taking our bikes and taking rounds around the park, kinda should've mentioned that we have no idea how big the place was or where we were even going, but Silias and I aren't kids and we didn't wanna babysit C so we took off without her, and her being...well. her. She came after us and it resulted in her getting lost. count on C to get me in trouble I swear-"
It makes me clog up just thinking about these days. Back then, things were so simple. We would get mad at each other for so many things yet our whole lives revolved around each other. We wouldn't stand the thought of losing each other. and now? I shake my head rolling my eyes at myself when w stray tear drops on the dairy page.
"We had to spend the whole day finding her before Ma and Uncle Carl found out or else they'd have my head on a stick, and if they didn't I know that sillias would. He's overly protective over her. Its kinda like he's her brother instead. He didn't even wanna leave her behind in the first place. seriously? who hangs out with their younger sibling? that's so lame. God knows what would Sillias do without me to guide him through middle school. AND YOU KNOW THE WORST PART WAS THOUGH? We decided to give up after searching for almost 2 hours straight and when we went back to tell everyone that we lost my one and only sister, WE FIND HER HAVING STRAWBERRY ICECREAM WITH ALL THE ADULTS.-"
This memory filled my head and I couldn't help but giggle like a schoolgirl remembering the look on Adi's face when he saw me all safe and sound on Uncle Carl's lap with bunny in my arms. Ma and the others till date don't know of it ever happening since Adi on the way back had bought my silence by agreeing to do all my holiday homework and chores for a week.
Concluding that I felt much better than a few hours ago I reminisce for a while before grabbing out his most recent notebook. The last entry was a week back. I pull out my purple pen from my bedside before stopping for a second.
A deep breath that I didn't know I was holding releases as my pen reaches the white pages.
"Dear Adi,-"