'Never trust anyone Cierra. promise me you won't trust, anyone. if...if anything ever happens to me I want you to take care of Ma, do something with your life. be safe. for the love of God be safe.'
He knew.
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A snap of someone's fingers snap me out of whatever trance I seemed to be in, "Hey C, you good?" Logan's concerning face questions me, with B following behind with, "Yeah, you haven't touched your food either...everything alright?" worry lasing her voice.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm just not really that hungry." I say, pushing my plate of fries towards them, "Here, I was done anyway." Logan eyes me down warily before seeming to accept that answer. "Fine, but if you want to talk we're both here okay? It's alright to take professional help sometimes...with what happened...you going to therapy would be understandable." I nod at him with a weak smile, "Yeah, I know. I'm fine, just remembered something about him."
Lo puts a comforting hand on top of mine with an understanding look on his face before standing up and dusting his hands on his pants. "Well, with that being said, ladies, I must bid my farewell, as per I have some business with coach Heffley attend to." He states with a horrible fake posh accent. With a wink at both B and I, he glides over the other side of the cafeteria before disappearing through the crowd of students.
"One of these days he's gonna get his ass kicked, you know that," B states staring at his retreating figure. I snort, "Yeah, probably by you."
"You know me too well" B smirks in my direction. "What were you thinking about by the way? you look like you just realised we have homework or something...wait we don't actually have homework do we?"
I knew B wanted to ask me about what happened without it seeming too nosy, and to be quite frank I needed to let it out so I whispered, "I can't say it with full confidence but I'll tell you about it at home." B nodded her head, "aight bet, hows things at home going?"
I let out a heavy sigh and shrug, "Same as always."
B looked like she wanted to say something but the bell beat her to it, signalling the end of lunch.
"Ugh, great. We have double physics. I don't think I'm gonna make it through the day Ce." She states dramatically.
I chuckle whilst making our way out the cafeteria, "Might be a bad time to mention we did have homework."
B stops dead on her tracks and looks at me like I just killed her puppy, "You're messing with me..."
I giggle and in a sing-along voice say, "Nope." popping the P. "-but don't worry, I didn't do it either." I wink at her, walking ahead, knowing we're both screwed since our physics teacher hates our guts, with B strutting behind muttering curses under her breath.
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"-And apparently George started the fight. Totally unexpected since he's always been such a sweetheart but he soo won that fight. serves Kyle right too, He deserved it." B was ranting while I slip my key into the front door of the apartment.
My thoughts being too loud, which resulted in me blatantly ignoring everything B says I let out a "hmm" while dropping my bag onto the sofa and throwing myself on it. My thoughts being too preoccupied on Adi- "Cierra do you have any idea what I'm talking about?"
"Huh?" my confused face seeming to answer her question, she sits in front of me and grabs a hold of one of my hands with both of hers, making me feel like she's expecting me to breakdown any moment now.
"Babes, what's been on your mind? You said you'd tell me later...I'm kinda worried."
I shook my head, comforting her, "No, No, its nothing of that sort. Don't worry. It's just..."
Bianca giving me an encouraging look to continue I let out in one breath, "IthinkAdiknewthathislifewasindanger."
silence.
"What?"
I huff out again, feeling slightly more confident this time, "I think Adi knew his life was in danger."
Another silence
Growing impatient without receiving a reaction I urge her, "well...say something!"
Bianca looked at me as if she were carefully choosing her words, "Ci...that's a pretty big accusation...are you sure? you know...maybe we should consult a therapist or something, Adi's passing took a toll on everybody, it's okay to ask for help sometimes..."
"No!, You don't understand! we had this talk- he- he told me a bunch of nonsense about wanting to leave and wanting me to be safe and- B you don't understand he KNEW he was going to die!!" I raise my voice in frustration at her. Didn't she understand that he knew something was up, I feel it in my veins, in my heart. I knew my brother better than I know myself. How could she tell me to see a therapist when I'm telling her 100% that he knew he was going to die. does she think I'm lying? that I'm going insane??
"Woah Woah, calm down C." B replies, raising her hands in surrender.
I scoff at her, "Then what? you think I'm going insane? that I need help because I think my brother fucking knew he was going to die? THAT HE KNEW HE WOULD GET STABBED TO DEATH? DO YOU THINK IM LYING?" I stand up from my seat, clenching my fists until I felt wetness on my palms, knowing my nails drew blood.
"NO!, oh my gosh Cierra no, I didn't mean it like that-" B visibly gulps as if she's contemplating something, with hesitant steps she walks towards me. "-Adi, he- he was an amazing person, we didn't always get along but miss him too. Cierra I'm not saying I know what you're going through and nor can I say that I feel the same pain you do but he loved you and I know right now saying that he somehow 'knew' he was in danger...you're still grieving. C, you're grasping onto a concept or theory of his when he's not even here anymore. you're linking memories and clinging onto anything that'd make sense of his passing. you need to let go. Understand that sometimes things just don't have an explanation. I know it's hard but you're not alone." She says, looking dead in my eyes with so much pain and patience, I dropped to the floor.
I knew she had a point. But I don't want to admit it.
I didn't realise I was crying until B was wiping them away. Hot tears trickled down my cheeks as I brought my knees closer to my body curling into a ball. "He- he isn't gone. he isn't dead. he left me. he- he- he left me alone? he just...left? without a goodbye? NO." I sobbed, baring understanding what was coming out of my mouth it finally sunk in. he's actually gone. there was no going back. my brother's gone. his very existence wiped out.
"Thi- this, this isn't fair!" I clench my fists, my nails digging into my sore skin bringing out fresh blood.
And so I sat there, Bianca holding me, as I weep and mourn my brother, curled like a ball in the corner of our living room hallway.