Walking into school on Monday was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. With barely having the motivation to get up from bed to go to school with everyone who blatantly stares at me with their pity, I'm forced to go back to the last place he was, where his body lay, where he took his last breathes. The place where my whole life turned to shit within seconds.
Ma hasn't even paid enough attention to me for me to tell her that I'd do anything to never step foot in here again, however, it's mid-year, and our school's one of the cheapest and closest to home. moving schools would put a lot of pressure on Ma and I can't ask her of that especially right now.
Ever since his death, she's changed, of course, shes changed, death does that to people. But she's been acting so differently now, she's treating me ice cold. As if her eyes no longer hold love for her other child. I thought loss brings people together, it's doing quite the opposite though right now. I've never felt so utterly alone. going home is almost a dread for me. I just wanna go home but I don't know where that is anymore.
A strangle of frustration erupts from me as the bell rings, signalling the end of English and the beginning of lunch. The silence during class was almost loud enough to muffle out my thoughts.
Everything's so much right now.
I get ready to leave as everyone rushes through the door wanting to waste no time of their lunch break.
" Cierra, could you stay back please?" I hear my English teacher, Miss Evelyn calls out with gentle eyes. Already knowing what this conversation is about I unenthusiastically mutter a "sure" before stuttering back to the desk, looking longingly at the corridor outside with a swarming sea of students.
Once every student is out the door, she sits on the desk in front of me with a face almost as if she were calculating her next move. "I'm pretty sure every teacher has had this talk with you." I let out a humourless laugh, "Oh you have no idea." Miss Evelyn was a tall skinny woman who was a bright blond with a very sweet soul. I know all my teachers mean well, asking about how I'm doing. or that I should still try to pay attention in class, what do they expect though? I just lost the one person who I trusted my life with. I wasn't exactly gonna be jolly now would I?
"Hmm, I can't even imagine how this would be for you, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. we're all trying to make sure you know you're not alone. I taught Adriel too, back when he was in his sophomore year. you both have that spark in you. I don't know what, but you are strong. and if anyone, you, would be able to get through this. I know it. You're so much stronger than you think Cierra." She finishes off gently.
My eyes automatically start to water without my consent and before they fall down I hastily get up from my chair. "T-thank you for that, I really needed that." I don't know why hearing that I'm not alone from Miss. Evelyn made me feel like she genuinely cared about me, not like my other teachers who used their monotone voice to read out what they were told to tell me. "Anytime dear, I'm not going to force you to go see a therapist or to tell how you feel, but know my doors are always open if you need to vent out." I give her a genuine smile that I feel almost foreign giving, before grabbing my bag and walking out the door, feeling much lighter than a few minutes ago.
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"Hey, bud." B greets, giving me a side hug mid the process of sitting down next to me in the cafeteria. Bianca was extremely patient with me during this whole thing, she rushed to be at my side at the hospital the second she found out and wouldn't leave my side at all. She even offered to stay with me for a while too but I refused, needing to be alone. That, however, didn't stop her from stopping by every day and knocking on my door asking if I needed anything. I'm so grateful I have her.
"Hey, you." I smile gently at her. "How was English? Bio was trash. Miss Breonna literally made us to self-study without even teaching us anything!" I lightly chuckle at her, "Yeah well maybe if you actually paid attention in class you wouldn't be so clueless." Bianca throws her head back and groans, "But her voice is just SO annoying, it makes me wanna bang my head against a wall." That gets a giggle out of me and Bianca showcases a proud smile at that, knowing she was able to make me feel better.
"Well hello, there ladies," Logan's confident voice grabs our attention as he slid in next to Bianca, giving us a million-dollar smile and a wink to B. "Ugh, hey" B replies, rolling her eyes slightly, nonetheless, a slight smile on her face. "Hey, Lolo." I greet him.
"I told you, Lolo makes me sound like a pretty puppy, I'm a bulldog, child. A BULL-DOG. I'm too manly to be a Lolo." Logan exaggerates, flexing his arms before slowly making a move to place his arm around Bianca's eating figure. Grabbing a hold of his arm, mid-bite, Bianca pushes him away from her and asks, "Don't you have kids your age to hang around?" Logan puts up a pout and leans closer to her, "Aww, but you'd miss me too much." Smiling triumphally while leaning back, looking at Bianca's dirty face.
'I'm never gonna leave you behind stoopid, you'd miss me too much.'
Adi said that to me. The week before it happened.
A sharp gasp escapes me as I find myself thinking back to that conversation, both Logan and Bianca too busy bickering to notice my zone out.
He knew.
He knew something might happen to him.