"Lonely Hearts"
"So, Mr. Nathaniel Chance Villarta, be part of this institution," Lieutenant Franz Norman said as he accompanied me on the control room of Anvil Ship. This is the big break I've been waiting for after six months of studying. Supposed to be, this will be a two year course, but since I struggled for taking up advance units in addition to my electives in Maritime when I was in Harvard, which Dad doesn't know, they granted me an actual practicum of driving a real ship. If I made it, they will grant a certificate of completion.
"Are you alright with this, Nat?" he asked.
"Yeah, why should I'm not?" I answered together with a wink. "Here we go Anvil. In ten seconds we will be on board. Get ready passengers. I am Nathaniel Villarta and I will be your captain for the next couple of hours. In ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, zero. . . Anvil is now on boarding!"
After I connected wires on their right position and switch on the machine, I accompanied all my colleagues on the whole Villarta Resort. Actually, it took time for me to persuade Dad- first, on shifting from medicine to maritime, and then on using our resort for my practicum. The whole vicinity is so good and so peaceful. I love the place ever since and I wonder why I never had a mind on managing it someday. Perhaps because I am not that kind of man who is fond on such field, neither a kind of son Dad once longed to have.
With me are my professors, classmates, and acquaintances like Michigan and Franz, which are both my very dear friends. I can see in their eyes the amazement and the support that I really needed. I only smile at them as they keep on cheering and yelling.
You're always on top of your game Nat!
After my successful boarding on my very dear ship Anvil, all of my acquaintances and I went together in a nearby disco bar and casino for a short thanksgiving for my job well-done. Michy already made herself drunk and driving herself crazy on the dance floor with other guys. I am being left on our table, together with Franz while drinking tequila.
"Hey men!" he said in between noise. "I wonder what makes you persuade your Pops?!"
I shake my head then smile. "I simply told him that I will manage his firms, if he just let me do what I want. Of course, he agrees in one condition- if I let him takes everything under control so that I can still earn a medicine degree. It seems that I no longer have the choice." I get one more beer in can and drink it.
"I can't believe you Nat," he said while drinking his own tequila.
"Alfred also told me that," I answered.
"How old is your folks again?"
"About the age of retirement. SIXTY-TWO!"
"Ooooh! Oh, boy! No wonder!" he said as he throws me a handful of ice from the glass bowl on our table. "Cheers for your freaky bossy Dad and new life!" he said again with a hand gesture as he raise his drink.
"Kampai!" I answered back. "Wait, I thought this will be your night with Michy?"
"I can't spell that woman's goddamn attitude," he insist then shrugs his shoulders. "You know how she drives me crazy. She just keeps on rejecting me without giving a reasonable explanation. Maybe they are all right on saying that 'love is blind' and 'love is pain.' You Nat, what is love?"
"Love never exists," I utter in a low voice.
"Hey there, cute guys," Michy said as she approaches us. "Ahhhm, did I disturb you?" she asked as she looks from Franz to me.
"What did you said again, Nat?" he asked.
"Nothing," I said as I shook my head.
"I guess Franz, we better get off," Michy said as she drags Franz away then they both left.
Love never exists! Those words keep on ringing on my head as I drive on my way to my condo unit, half drunk. Yes, maybe love never exists because I really don't know how to love. I stop my car on a sidewalk then get a box of pancake in the paper bag on the seat next to mine. I get a piece and have a big bite.
Huh! This day always reminds me of someone special. I finished eating the pancake on my hand as I keep on holding back the tears in my eyes. "Happy birthday Nat and Julia," I said as I get the new miniature model of jet plane inside the paper bag. Whenever this day, September 11, came, I always buy a box of pancake and another miniature model of a jet plane. I always celebrates this day with myself alone while reminiscing my childhood. It's been fifteen years now and I already collected fifteen jet planes on the row, and it will keep on increasing, not until I find her again. Actually, I am planning to give it all to her by the time I see her, but I still have the doubt if that day will ever come.
Two weeks after my return, I tried to get in touch with "Little Brothers Orphanage" again, but unfortunately, I found out that Mother Abess and Father Escalante died together in a car crashed ten years ago. The orphanage was being renovated into a business establishment and the children were sent away on other orphanage, while the older ones decided to find their destinies alone. I tried to track Julia again but I can't find any trace. Some says that she was being adopted by other nun congregation while other says that she moved on her far-blooded relatives. Until today, I am still hoping.
By the time I reached my place and is about to enter, I spotted a pair of high-heeled boots on my doorstep. I know exactly what this means. I shake my head then open the door.
"God, Nat, I just wait for you here all day but you didn't dare answering my calls," Nadine said right in front of me. She's my girlfriend for three years now. I met Nadine Arizona in States. It's just an ordinary match-making arranged by my dear brother. She kisses me on my lips then hugs me. "Happy birthday! I love you!"
"I'm tired Nad," I said as I go to the kitchen, open the fridge door and drink a whole bottle of cold water. "Please, let me know first before you come."
"But honey, this is a surprise!" she smiles while pointing to the cake and balloons at the table.
I shake my head again then go to the bathroom and slammed the door.
"Look Nat," I still hear Nadine talking behind the door. "You think I'm not tired too? You see, I travel all along here just to plan a surprise, then what you're doin'? . . . blah . . . blah . . . blah. . ."
I shrug my shoulders as I go to the bathroom sink and wash my face. My cell phone rings. I get my mobile from my pocket then press the answering button.
"Hey Nat, it's me, Ryan. I think it's not a good idea, but, uhmm . . . you know, I better tell you that Nadine planned a birthday surprise. . . I guess she's already there. . . I'm not that easy going but it's her right to know how you're doin,' please, be good to her. . ."
"The next time you decide on things behind my back, just forget me as your brother!" I shouted behind the line.
"Nat, alright, I apologize for the inconveniency, but you know, she will do everything, and I am too tired of seeing her here and persuading each of every day. . . "
I close my eyes, take a deep breath and calm myself as I said those words, "Well then, DON'T. INTERFERE!"
I shut off my mobile and throw it on the waste basket. I can still remember how I met her. That time, it is my third year in Med School while Ryan a freshman on an aeronautic university. He is in good terms with Nadine. That is how the cruel destiny introduces her into my messy life. They are classmates in flying school so he brings her into our house.
"Nat, this is Nadine Arizona, my friend. She is in flying school with me," Ryan said as he pointed to a tall girl beside him. She is pretty with her natural curls, brown eyes, rosy lips and a mole beside her lips. "Nad, this is my older brother, Nathaniel. He is in med school."
I only nod at her then she smiles.
"Nice meeting you," she said while offering her hand.
I accept it. "A pleasure," I answered.
After that, we had a short conversation about our lives.
"So, you're in flying school. I knew someone who is so determined to run a flying engine," I said.
"Really?" she asked with admiration and interest.
"Yeah. On the other way 'round, a lady pilot is not really common compared to men," I insist.
"Actually, I really want to prove something and I am really fond of Harriet Quimby and Mathilde Moisant," she said with a smile.
That's how our conversation goes. She always reminds me of someone really special. At first, I thought it is love, but then, I know that I am being unfair. Or maybe I like her? Whether to like someone can be consider as love, this is all uncertain.
I went out of the bathroom, get my jacket and walk towards the front door.
"Where do you think you're goin'?" Nadine asks behind my back.
"I'm tired," I only answered.
She hugs me from my back. "Sorry if I hadn't calls you first before I got here. Anyway, I understand whatsoever your reasons are. I just want to let you know that I am here. I love you Nat. I really love you," she whispers.
"I know," I sigh then I reach for her hands just to let go of myself from her embrace.
"Do you love me too?" she asks when I am about to open the door.
"You always know that I care," I said then left her.
I spend the rest of the night with my band members. I really feels quite good to be with them. I'd founded it only five or six months ago and I really enjoys their company. We composed songs then we will sing it, as part time performers in a bistro. I guess, these things which I really enjoy make me feel complete whenever I feel like something is missing. Actually, I am the main vocalist and their song writer. Our first released album was entitled "Emptiness" because that is what I really feel of myself- an empty space.
I reach for the microphone as I get into the stage.
"Oh lonely season of love, I ache for your empty space
Where's now your lovely season sonata
A cherry blossom sprung in a mid-autumn's air
You cry and cry in an empty sidewalk
And the blooming sunflower aches for someone far away
Oh lonely season of love
Something in your life is a missing piece
This is the city of dying hearts
And every day little things are long gone
Oh stay by my side
For my heart is now a black hole
Emptiness
Oh emptiness
Sweetheart, please fill the emptiness in me
I am a lonely heart
Please cure it baby, my lost love
I want to free myself from this vast empty space"
I blink a little as I became silent as they keep their gazes on the sight of myself. I feel a sort of relief then I put down the microphone. The whole crowd gave me a standing ovation and warm applause. I leave the stage without giving them a backward glance then I return on our table and drink for a dozen more shots of alcohol. I let myself to become drunk and abandoned.