"Frustrations"
"Nat, what now?!"
"Now what?" I answered. I am being awaken from my thoughts, when finally, Michigan Chiawase asks me about my decision. We are at admin office of our university. Michy, Franz, and I received an order today for an on-the-job training in a cruise line company in North Carolina for three years. They are only waiting for us to respond to their hiring invitation, and all the rest are up to the university. Actually, this is really the big break that I've been waiting for, but how about Juliana? I still have to tell it to her, and how about Dad? It's already been months now since I took over the management of our firms in the country and abroad. I'm sure, he will never like this idea. On the second thought, this is my chance in order to gain experience and probably to become well-known and also to earn enough money to start a ship line business of our own.
"God, Nathaniel!" Michy rolls her eyes, which I find out so cute. "What's your decision? You see, this is a big break. Franz and I have no problem on this one."
I look at the contract again and Franz and Michy already have their sign there.
"Think about it Nat," she insists again.
"Yeah, I will think about it," I said as I stand up and head towards the door.
"I know whatever reasons that are spinning on your head, perhaps are very important. Nonetheless, just choose the right thing for opportunity only knocks at your door once," Franz said as he taps my shoulder.
I look at Michy's direction but she only shakes her head and never dare to give me even a stare.
"Sure," I answered then head off.
Just choose the right thing! I really don't have an idea whatever the right thing that I should have to choose there is. This is really absurdity. I don't have to choose among my career and to the ones that I cared the most. But then, it's just only for three years. Just three short years . . . and perhaps my life will be much better.
I increase the speed of my Porsche until I reach the airport. I look at my wrist watch. Eleven o'clock in the morning. I can still catch up on his arrival. I take off my seatbelt, go outside my car and rush towards the lobby of NAIA, wherein I will wait for the arrival of the passengers from Texas flight.
"Watch out, dear handsome!" a flight attendant shouts at me because I almost bump on the baggage of an old man. "Oh boy!" he said with a smirk.
"Sorry," I said. I turn my look on the flight attendant but she only winks at me. Funny! As if I care on her charms. So, I just only ignore her and head off to find Ryan. Yes, he told me, that he will go home today.
"Nat, over here!" Ryan called me behind my back.
When I look at him, he is waving in my direction. I just only smile at him.
"How's the flight," I ask.
"Just greater than ever."
I tap his shoulder. "I'm glad you're back."
That night, the three of us- Dad, Ryan and I have a dinner together. After fifteen long years that we were together, this is the very first time that we share the same meal on our dining table.
Ryan and Dad seem to have a good time with each other. They portray a perfect father and son figure alright. I really envy the attention that Dad gives to him.
"You really did a very good job. Just more than a year from now, you'll surely make me a proud father. Keep it up kid!" he exclaimed. "Be a great pilot and have amazing records in the sky." Dad smiles then he turn to me. "Don't be like the one here on my right. Don't miss any opportunity."
I stop on eating though I just keep on staring on my plate.
"Dad, I guess, Nat is really not fond on doing Med stuffs. I'm sure he'll succeed on whatever he is now," Ryan said to defend me.
"Oh, don't be silly. He's not what you think. Anyway, how long will you stay here?"
"Ahmm, actually, I'm on a long vacation leave," he said again.
"Great! You can meet my amigos then. Don't turn them down like what Nathaniel did. Such a disappointment. He keeps on wasting money, time and effort." Dad also shakes his head.
I put the spoon and fork down on the table, and then leave them.
I can't stand him any longer. That man never gets tired on degrading me. He keeps on making me feel that I am a sort of disappointment all my life.
Without knowing it, tears starts rolling down my eyes.
Nathaniel Chance Villarta, it feels like it's not you anymore! Juliana is right. I guess, Dad made me a different person- his object that has no feelings except for vanity and pain.
I call Michy and the first thing I did in the morning was signed the three year contract on a cruise. There is no use of telling Dad about these matters. His happiness is to make me suffer by means of emotional torture, and I don't want him to win this time.
"I'm glad you finally made the right decision," Michy tells me.
That same day, I bring Juliana on our air base in Zubic.
"You don't have to do this Nathan," she said with teary eyes.
I pin some strands of her hair on her ears. "Tell me that you want this," I said. "This is only one of those wishes that will finally come to reality." She only nods. "I am doing this because- ," then I get her right hand and place it on my left chest then I give a timid smile," –because my heart tells me so. I love you Juliana, you hear?"
She just nods while smiling.
"And I love you more, Nathaniel Chance Villarta," she said as she embraces me so tight.
That day, I grant Juliana her third wish, that moment when I let her to conquer her dreams and fly with me.
"This is the Villarta's Air," I tell her once we finally get there. I smile to her as I hold her hand close to mine, "and that jet plane there is the first and last gift I ever had from Dad. He gave it to me on my first ever flight.
"What's her name?" she asks while smiling.
"Hmm-mm, Harriet- Harriet Quimby."
"Seriously?" she uttered in surprise.
"Uh-huh. Meet Harriet Quimby Flight 1.0," I said in a proud tone then I whisper to her, "Dad gave me the honor to give her name, and you know what?"
"What?"
"Her name is inspired by you and your crazy dream," I said while laughing as I pinch her nose. "She's yours babe," I tell her.
"Nathan," she said in disbelief.
"No doubt now Juliana. I love you, and from this moment on, everything that belongs to me, are also yours. Now, wanna fly with me?"
She gives me that bright smile as always. "Sure."
We walk inside Harriet Quimby 1.0 together- I as the pilot and Juliana as my lovely passenger. I let her enjoy the view of the sky and the horizon.
"This is lovely," she said with amazement in her lovely eyes.
"I will always love your gorgeous smile Juliana," I said then I show her a heart-shaped island.
"That is my heart and it's all yours," I said.
That afternoon, I bring her to our mansion so that I can formally introduce her to my Dad.
"Dad, meet Juliana Antonette Escalante. She is the niece of Father Renato Escalante. You knew him. He is an old acquaintance with Mother Abess," I told him then I turned to Juliana. "Juliana, meet my Dad, Mr. Roman Villarta."
With that overwhelming smile, she greets my Dad. "Good evening sir.'
He only throws her a very cold stare. "Nathaniel, let's talk," then he turns his back and walks straight inside his office.
"Juliana, just wait for me here," I said.
She just smiles. "Don't worry its fine."
"I thought its Nadine of Arizona clan," he said coldly once we are alone in his office.
"I realized I don't love her."
He just gives me a weak smile.
"You made her yours then realized it's not love after all?"
"It's not what you think," I said. "Everything that happened between Nadine and I is just between the two of us."
"That girl, Juliana, I don't like her. I didn't fed you with a silver spoon just to let you be with a rag doll after all."
I only give him a mad stare.
"She's not a rag doll and I love her," I utter as I control myself.
"Love?" then he bursts out into laughter. "That's the biggest problem among young people." After he said those, he gives me an astonish look. "Now tell me kid, can you feed one's stomach with happiness? You already have everything Nathaniel. In just a blink of a second, you already get whatever you wanted. Then what? You keep on dumping them away. Now tell me, is she the reason why? For Pete's sake, I don't want a trash on this family! I lifted you from being nobody, so stay away from nobody. Now leave her- I don't care if you send her away! Do it now, that's an order!"
This time, I am the one who laugh- a very painful laugh then I gives him a painful stare.
"Dad, can you feed one's heart with bread? No wonder. It's not surprising after all. You? Who expects love and happiness from you? Yes, you are rich and powerful. You have everything. But more than that? You are nobody. You are nobody but a greedy bastard. A cold-blooded beast incapable to feel. Inside that suit, you are nothing but a jealous old man who envies people because you don't know how to be happy. You just keep on controlling your adopted sons because you are afraid to be left alone. You are coward of being hunted by the emptiness in your heart. You are lonely because you are selfish. You only love nothing but yourself and your damn power, fucking money and stupid empire. I'm not surprise that nobody loves you- ."
Hearing those, he gave me a heavy blow on the jaw and I guess, I can taste a blood now from a small cut on my lips.
"I am miserable all right young man. Nonetheless, being miserable made me so powerful- and you have no idea what I am capable of. So sent her off or you can't expect anything from me. Now leave this room once!"
Before I left, I still manage to say, "You forgot that I am also one of those rag dolls that became part of your creations. Now, the puppet show is all over old man."
I spotted Juliana in the veranda and she is talking with Ryan happily. It seems like the two of them tried enough to catch up with that fifteen long lost years.
"How d'ya finds him as a brother?" she asked.
"Nat?"
"Uh-huh," she answered with that smile then shrugs her shoulder. "I knew he is capable of doin' everything. He is a smart young man. Well, a brave and loving young man- a very nice guy as he is. No wonder, at the young age, he already reached these heights. He has a golden heart, but other than that, I just knew, somehow that I don't know him after all. He just changed, and I no longer have an idea 'bout the journey that he passed through. He is no longer the same person as he is- before. He's in pain, and I dunno the reason why. Behind those smiles, is a painful stare and agony. He is in scrutiny. He is not good enough on hiding it."
Ryan just shakes his head with a bitter smile.
"You really do love him, huh?"
Juliana just throws him a surprise look but she just remains silent. I just smile at that very moment.
"It's not difficult to love him," she said again as she breaks the silence between them, and then she smiles. "Now it's your turn. You still haven't answered me."
"He is smart all right- Nathaniel," Ryan answered. "He is always on top of his game. He is the best on everything." Then Ryan smiles at her. "I always thought that Dad loves him more that's why I always treat everything as a competition between him and myself."
I am surprise to hear those from Ryan, my little brother. He envied me?
But Juliana only nods while listening.
Ryan laughs at himself. "But no matter how hard I try, he always won without even tryin' and he always impressed my folk even he is not on his best shot, so I stopped and just follow his every step then. That's when I realized that I adore him so much."
Hearing those, I smile again.
"As a brother, I have no complain 'bout that. I don't say that he is the best but it's just that, compare to anyone else, there is no such thing as Nat in this universe," Ryan said with a smile. "He is my protector, my idol. On hard times, we are partners, even on orgies."
"Juliana?"
"Hmm?"
"Nat is vulnerable. Yes, he has a bright future ahead of him. In fact, he owns the world already- on his path that he chose. He already entered the world of glamour success. He is so talented. He sings, he creates his own music and he is now on his race as a seaman, but he is a lonely soul."
"Why did he give up Med School?"
"More than anyone else Juliana, you knew the answer. You knew him. He loves to navigate the sea. So am i. it's just that we are Dad's puppets."
"I see," Juliana nods. "Did he continue on writing?"
"Oh- well, 'bout that, I don't have any idea. That's his personal stuff and he is very cautious. I don't want to be an intruder. I guess you should ask him personally."
She only nods then smile again.
"Did he have past relationships? I mean romantic relationships?"
"He had, actually. So many of 'em that I can't remember. He is a lover boy," then this time, Ryan is the one who give her a meaningful smile. "There are so many woman in his life on those past years, but none of 'em that he took seriously, only except on that girl."
"Who is she?"
"There's this colleague of mine. Incredible girl. Nadine Arizona. She's a nice buddy. I guess, Nat saw your reflection in her. She's a pilot too like me, and Nat loved her once."
"I see," she said.
I smile again. I can't help it but to smile as I obviously see the jealousy on Juliana's lovely face that already reflects on her eyes.
"Seriously? Juliana? Are you still doubting Nat and his love for you?"
By that, I decided to announce my presence. "I guess you finally catch up with each other," I said behind their backs as I approach Juliana and put my arms around her waist.
They both smile at me then she sees the cut on my lips.
"Hey, what happened?" she asked passionately and full of concern.
I just shrug my shoulders.
"I guess, I should leave you two," Ryan utters as he pats my shoulder then leaves us.
"It's nothing," I said then I hold her hand close to mine as we walks outside. We are both in silence.
I bring her to or garden, then we takes our seat on the lawn as I am embracing her from her back, then she leans her head on my shoulder.
"Juliana," I said as I hold her hand.
"Hmmm?"
"Do you love me?"
"Nat Villarta, you got to be kidding me," she said with a smile. "I love you all right."
I smile too as I pinch her nose.
"Can you do me a favor then?"
"Hmmm, anything," she nods.
"Let us build a future together. Lemme give you happiness. Will you marry me?"
By that, she freed herself from my embrace as she turns around and faces me, and then she gives me that uncertain stare.
"Nathan, if you love me, will you believe me? Will you listen to me? Will you not doubt me? Will you trust me?"
"Of course, I love you and I believe you," I answered as I hold her face.
"My uncle once told me that there are four kinds of people in this world. First is the wanderer. Those people are the ones who still don't know Christ. Yes, they received the gospel of the Lord but they are blinds and their hearts are still close. They have no direction in life. They are lost souls."
"The second are the followers. They received Christ in their hearts. They saw Him and they accepted Him. They find direction through Him. They follow His examples, but they only find purpose on just being followers."
"The third are the achievers. They saw Christ, followed Him and at the same time served Him. They grew in terms of faith through discipleship, and they are still growing each day. While the last one are called leaders. They saw Christ, accepted Him, grew through discipleship, and at the same time, they are seekers of lost souls and win them back to the glory of the Lord. They give hopes to the followers and give directions to the wanderers."
I shake my head. "What are you talking about?"
"Among the four, who are you Nathan?"
By that, I wipe my face as I turn away from her. "I-I can't believe this. This is crazy."
Juliana reaches for my hand.
"Nat, we are all mortals, who are not perfect. We all struggle to find our own purpose. Some people come to the point that they already questions who they are, and why things turned out to be this or that way. But if you only ask Him to heal and mend your broken heart, if you only ask Him for answers to queries that hunts you, if you only ask Him to unload your burdens, Nat, nothing is impossible through Him."
"I-I just can't," I said then I gave a deep sigh. "I called Him so many times. He took my family away. My real mom left me. He-he gave me to Roman Villarta. You have no idea Juliana. These? Everything I have in life is all living hell. You don't have any idea how much pain I have. How I lived in scrutiny, hmmm? All my life, I am not happy. You have no idea because you- you are perfect all your life, while I am nothing."
"It's not true Nathan," she said while shaking her head. "There is no such thing as greater in this world among human beings. Just trust Him."
"How can I? I already condemned Him a long time ago."
"Prayers," she said. "Just find strength through prayers Nat."
I just throw her an unbelieving stare.
"I still haven't told you my number one wish. I thought I should not tell you because I want to accept you as you and introduce the Lord to you little-by-little and then there you are, proposing to me, but I love you so much."
"What then?" I ask her.
"I want to marry someone whom I shared the same faith," she challenged.
I tap my forehead.
"Why are you doing this to me?!" I ask her in a loud tone. "I thought you love me?"
"I love you, that's why. All you have to do is to believe and repent."
I turn my back from her while shaking my head but she embraces me from my back.
"Come back to me, please? Come back to Him."
I just freed myself from her.
"I don't know Juliana," I said while shaking my head. "Let's not talk about it. Let's talk about us."
"There is no problem between the two of us Nathan. It's about you and your relationship to Him. This is all everything that I am asking from you. It's not for me. It's for you- for you to save your faith."
"Faith! Faith?! My goodness Juliana! Why can't you understand me?"
"I understand you all right."
"Nah! Your faith- your unconditional faith! That's it?! That's what cost our relationship?! That's the worth of it, huh?! Now, your faith or me?!"
To my surprise, tears starts falling from her eyes.
"Don't do this to me, I can't choose."
"Then why, huh?!" I said as I pull my hair out of frustration. "Because all that is important for you, is nothing but your faith. That's everything," I said with teary eyes and gritted teeth.
"It's not that," she sobs.
"What do you want to prove then, huh?"
"Nothing," she cries. "All I want, all I ever wanted, is for you to get out of your shell, to free yourself from scrutiny, and leave the shadow of your past behind. Nathan, please," then she reaches for my hand again. "I can pray for you."
I turn away from her then throw her unbelieving stare. "Why? Juliana. Why? Don't force me to hate you. What you're saying is too much."
"I-I don't know you anymore. Who are you? Huh?" by that, she runs away from me then left me behind.
By that, I punch the nearest tree behind me. This is the very first time in my life that I did hurt her, and I hate myself for doing so. That's when I tried to catch up with her.
I grab her arm and spin her around to face me. Doing so, I embrace her so tight."
"I am sorry. I'm sorry. I-I just can't. I can't promise you. I can't make you happy, all right, if that's it. I am not good enough. Just give me time for it. But babe, you see? I love you. I really do. I gone this far. I always tried to be one on your world. I am not perfect all right. You don't know me? Well, I don't either. I've question myself for being so- for being what I am. I've been burden by so many queries I'd asked myself a thousand times. But you see? I need you in my life. You're so perfect- the one I can't live without."
By that, I look at her straight in the eye.
"I need you in my life, you see? Huh?"
She just nods while crying.
"Nathan," she said as she gives me that smile again, "I love you. I will help you to heal your scars."
I nod. "I know."
"Let's help each other, okay?" she said.
I nod again. "My Juliana," I utter.
That night, I decided that I should not bring up the topic of marriage again, or at least for now, until we are both ready. I realized that I should give time for both of us. I need to fix my life first, and doing so requires a very big decision that will change my life forever- I guess, my life with my love ones.
The next day, I file resignation on Dad's empire as I give up all my rights and privileges on his royalties as his son. Of course, he cursed me for that.