I am cage upon the barricade of undeniable ideas,
Invisible barriers patch with unreasonable reasons
Apologies ruined with excuses,
Turning the book on its new page with unbearable chapters
Born with the emblem of being a fighter trying to fight for my own world
Sitting at the edge of nowhere
Drowning with the same old ideas
Trying to reach the glimpse of lustrous light
Trying to escape the painful reality
Trying to flee, trying to be free
Living in a blank page of dull chapters with empty shade of colors
There's no trace of light
There's no thrill at all
I am totally stocked and drowned
Silently murmuring, trying to alter a word
Hoping someone would pull me up and say " DEAR, you're totally recovered"
"And times up! pen's up guys!
Stop writing! "
Dahan dahan 'kong itinaas ang aking dalawang kamay sa ere na para 'bang sukong-suko na. Para akong naitulos sa aking upuan ng maramdaman kong nagsisiunahan na ang lahat sa pagtayo. Napagdisisyonan kong sumunod na, at sinasadyang bagalan. Na para bang tinitipid ko ang bawat pag hakbang ng aking mga paa. My mind seems so clouded. I can hear my heart pounding rapidly. As soon as i reach the table, my hands are trembling as I pass my paper.
Once again I narrow my gaze all around the place, the whole gym was garnish with dazzling decorations. The Loud music overcame the absolute silence, and the most abundant noise comes from the different groups of students debating about their contrary opinions. They talk about how they end up with their articles, with a trace of confidence in their voice. On how they prove their point. Some choose to roam around, walk with swag and confidence.
But really the most important thing for me is, at least I have shown what I can do. I have voiced out the thought that keeps on echoing in my mind, at least it saved me again from totally drowning. I sighed and made up my mind to leave the venue.
As soon as my feet step out from the gymnasium, I can feel the intensity of the stares from the people and it makes me feel awkward. I really hate this weird feeling you know, being involved with controversies and issues that make you the popular headline of their so-called "news". I hate being noticed, they keep on gossiping about me like they know a thing.
They deserve their title as a journalist! well, at least sana kung gagawan nila ako ng article,yung medyo catchy naman yung title para mag ka gana ako magbasa tsk. Sooner, they'll be called the "best story maker" and "Reporter" in town. Do they think that my life is a public consumtion?
Was it really hard to have a clear mindset? People nowadays use to talk about other people's businesses that tend to disrespect each one's privacy. Ironic that god's purpose to make this world is for us to live equally despite our different diversities, but most of us turn their back on their moral and killed the humanity inside them.
"Do you think she'll win?"
"Of course! She always does!"
"Na conscious tuloy ako bigla sa gawa 'ko"
"Omay! She competed with Alexandria!"
They are looking at me with both admiration and envy in their eyes. Why do people make it a big deal? Do they think I'm enjoying all the credibility and recognition from them? Their compliments? I'd be happy if my parents do that, but technically, it's such a rare vague wish that will never grant. Far more away than expected.
"Jans!" Someone shouted in the hallway that really made people stare at me more. I'm on my boiling rage and on the verge of shouting at her. I shouldn't never be there in the first place! She shouldn't have dragged me and sign me up without having my consent!
"What!?" I asked half whispering and shouting.
"1,2,3 smile" a light suddenly flash on my face and that's when I realized that she look a photo of me. Tsk this loud crazy photo Journ girl!
"Woah! You never smile to all of your photo" she said while looking at her DSLR.
Averose Amelei Pascual , one of the loud yet voiceless creatures.
I just answer her with a glare and continue walking without minding her. I heard her soft chuckles and it irritates me tsk! This girl really loves teasing me.
"Hey Jans, wait!" Natatawa nitong sabi. Naramdaman kong sumabay sya sakin sa pag lalakad.
"Why didn't you wait for me? napakabilis mo namang maglakad, you should have wait for the result."
"What for? Wala din naman akong makukuha don, and besides I know in the first place that I don't have any chance to win. Why did you force me to do that, by the way? You knew the consequences of this." I replied coldly. Napalunok sya at nag iwas ng tingin. Her camera's lace is hanging on her neck while she's holding it.
As a matter of fact? I am not interested. Para bang wala ng buhay ang aking mga katha, dahil mismong ang may akda ay nawawalan na ng gana.
Maybe that's the sad reality I'm facing: I got tired of feeling too much, catching all the burden and facing them all alone making me start to to feel numb.
"Top 2 is not bad, Jans.." Mahina nyang sagot at napabuntong hininga. So I rank as 2nd,huh?
"Top 2 is never acceptable," My mom would be very disappointed once she find out!
I turned my back on her and continue walking, she did follow me. Acting as if she doesn't do anything. She keeps on talking about Alexandria and comparing it to my work. Complimenting both, and how proud she is that she made a decision for me. Well, she's not Ave if she ain't talkative. Everybody known her for being like that.
And thank god we reach already our classroom. Hindi ko talaga kayang magtagal ng isang araw na kasama sya she's too loud and I'm quiet we're contrast!
Una syang pumasok. We can both hear the noisy party-like atmosphere. Ganto sila ehy, parang disco pag walang teacher. Bukod sa ingay, nagkalat na mga papel at pinagkainan ang makikita sa paligid.
"No pets allowed!" Marco shouted.
Here I thought that only in the books and movies has the scenario of a bully from public school bitching around. But on the contrary, elsewhere anything may happen. Nobody can control each one's rooted attitude that they have planted. But for sure as it gets bigger, it'll change...Gradually,
Ave, enter like she hears nothing. Really? How could the heiress of the Pascuals just let other people shout on her, when all her life everybody around her act soft, modest and handle her with care.
I close the door and face him. I smiled sweetly, give him my penetrating look, and shout back at him
"Then why are you inside?" I asked sarcastically, brief but with huge impact. And the class went wild again.
Well sorry Mr. Marco Guirero, you mess up with the wrong person. Am not actually sorry with what I said.
I didn't mean to be smug or to treat him like that. Its just that, it irritates me when people just let someone stepped on them. People in general would just choose to ignore such childish act. Pero kasi, minsan kailangan din ng taong matuto. If I have learn something for the pass years, its to grow up. Learn to be bold and stand for yourself. Kasi hindi lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng ganyang karapatan. Well, that's what I think. In this world full of uncertainties, my what ifs keeps on drowning me. What am I thinking again? I sighed in disbelief.
I still had a headache and I feel like I just let out what I feel for the first time. My thoughts had suddenly had a temporary freedom for them to be hear out. Their laughter never stops. Tuloy-tuloy parin silang nag aasaran, ang iba'y nag hahabulan. Tsk, such a kid!
Pinili kong umupo sa likuran. Kung saan walang napapadaan. Dumukmo at nag tulog-tulugan. Upang pansamantalang ipahinga ang pusong sugatan. Bakit kailangan pang ipagpilitan ang mga bagay na hindi naman dapat? Bakit kailangang diktahan ang ninanais ng puso gayong iyon nga ang nararamdaman?
My heart is wounded,
My mind is clouded
My feelings is completely faded
My being is temporarily sedated