James words trucked like lightning word to me. I have never expected him to say that. Akala ko tapos na siya sakin. Akala ko naka move-on na siya.
Nandito na kami ngyaon sa South. Tuluyan ng nakaalis ang jeeep na sinasakyan nila Clara. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mailang kay James. I thought we're doing good not until he said that.
Naglalakad kami ngayon papuntang sakayan ng jeep. This time papunta na sa'min.
"Javier?" James said, giving his full attention to me.
"Hmm,"
"Wala na kayong pasok nextweek? Right" he said, pertaining to our rest day.
"Uh, oo. Bakit?"
"Gusto mong mag hang-out?" nagaalangan nitong tanong.
"For?"
"You know, just to wind up. I'm sure you're stress and you need rest," He said trying his best to convince me.
Everything is a chaos now. I guess James is right. I need my stress to go away. A day would be fine, I guess.
Pumayag na ako sa gusto niya. Sumakay na rin kami ng jeep. He said that he'll chat me when to hang out. What day, time, and where.
Tinawagan ko si mama. Nagbabakasakaling pumayag ito.
"Ma,"
"Bunso, napatawag ka?"
"Bagsak po ako," nanghihinang sabi ko.
"Javier naman! Alam mong bawal kang bumagsak. Naka scholar ka. Hindi natin mababyaram iyang tuition mo! Sabi ko naman sa iyo na sa Valenzuela ka na lang mag-aral hindi ba?"
"Ma, hindi na po mauuli--"
"Hindi na talaga! Pagkatapos mo riyan. Sa Valenzuela ka na mag-aral." may pinalidad sa boses nito.
I cried silently. I fucked up! Real bad!
I blew up everything! Bakit kasi kailangan magsabay-sabay? Pwede bang isanatabi muna yung kay Jagger 'di ba?
"Hey," someone tapped my shoulder.
I was shock by the sudden touch. There he is, James. Looking handsome as usual.
"Can we go now?"
"Yeah.."
I feel so empty. Hindi ko manlang na explain ang side ko. Hindi ko manlang nalabas sa mga kaibigan ko lahat ng hinanakit ko. Hindi ko manlang nasabi sa kanila na kailangan ko ng pahinga.
Maybe this is the day. Mabuti na lang at nandito si James. He could at least lessen the pain.
Thankful ako at the same time felt bad for him. I don't intend na gawin siyang panakip sa butas. it's just that... 'Di koo alam mahirap i-explain.
"Eh hindi nga!" angil ko. Nagaaway kaami ngayon dahil sa isang laro. Mali kasi siya ng nilalagay na sagot!
"Te-le-po-no." ani ko ng dahan-dahan. Pinapaintindi sa kanya ang bawat salita.
"Oo na, sige na," suko nito. Isa-isa niyang tinipa ang letra.
"Ahh!" Napatili ako. Nanalo kami!
NAKUHA NAMIN ANG GRAND PRIZE!
Unti-unting iniluluwa ng makina ang aming mga ticket. Nagkanda patong patong na ito sa rami.
Hanggang ngayon ay niyuyugyog ko ang balikat ni James. Hindi parin makapaniwala na nanalo.
Nakapila na kami ngayon sa Bon Chon. Pinipilit ko siya na ako ang manlilibre since sya ang nagbayad para sa tokens namin.
"Sir, meron po kaming promo. Since the LGBTQ march is just around the corner. Divided by two po ang total na order niyo. It's the couples promo po." sabi bigla ng cashier.
"Ay, hindi." si James. Getting a little embarrased.
"Hindi ko po siya boyfriend. Friends lang kami," paliwanag ko.
"Sayang sir, bagay po kayo," aniya at humagikhik.
"Naku, wish ko nga. May boyfriend na kasi ito e," si James naman ngayon. Mukhang malungkot pa.
Tumawa yung nasa cashier. Kinuhaa niya na rin ang orders namin. Luckily, pumayag si James na ilibre ko siya.
"Salamat sa libre, nakakahiya." nakayuko niyang sabi.
"Ako dapat magpasalamat. I badly need a break from all the shits happened," I frustratingly said.
"About that, hope your sister gets well. Send my regards. Kayo, I mean ni Jagger? Are things alright? dahan dahan nitong tanong na para bang nagiingat at baka masapak ko siya sa maling sasabihin.
"He want to end it. Our relationship," I sighed. "Per siyempre 'di ako pumayag. Our relationship works between the two of us. Hindi naman pwedeng siya lang ang mag dedesisyon para sa'min." I said. My voice getting more sloppy.
A thread is only where I hang on. Kaunting tanong niya pa ay iiyak na'ko.
I'm surprised. He stayed silent. He didn't said anything, or even comfort me. Maybe he's just thinking the words he will say.
We went home.
I actually had fun. Eto lang yung araw na nakaramdam ako ng comform mula sa ibang tao other than Samahan.
This day is a roller coaster.
Nasigawan ako ni mama.
Naalala ko ulit ang nangyari kay ate.
Kay Jagger, hindi ako pinapansin.
Bagsak ako.
At ang comfort na nakukuha ko kay James.
I never expected this to happen, especially from James. From all the people, I least expect James.
I laughed. I remember back in my high school days. Palagi kong iniiwasan si James para hindi magselos at hindi pagmulan ng away. Pero tignan mo naman, siya ang naging comfort ko.
I got a messenger notification. At first I thought it was James, but then my smile faded. It was Jagger.
Jagger: Hindi pa tayo break may pamalit ka na agad. *Photo Attachement*
Those photos are from the entrance of the Movie Theater. Ito yung time na hawak ko ang popcorn at inaalalayan niya ako. Sa anggulo ng kuha ay parang nakayakap siya sakin. I called him.
"He's just a friend. Don't be mad." I said calmly
"How can I not be mad? The both of you are completely hugging!" He exclaimed.
"Don't be mad at me! Ang unfair mo, ikaw tong tinatawagan ko palagi. Dahil sobrang busy mo sa 'katawagan' mo, hindi mo napapansin na tumatawag ako." I said stating the obvious
"Wala akong katawagan!" He claimed.
"H'wag mo akong gawing tanga! Everytime I call, the line is so fucking busy!" I said. Kaunti na lang at iiyak na'ko. "So ano? Yung network 'yung nagsisinungaling?"
"Baka naman si mama ang kausap ko!" he tried to reason out.
"Limang oras akong straight na tumatawag! Mama mo yon? For all I know! Nasa iisang bahay kayo," mangiyak-ngiyak kong sabi.
I took out a deep breath. Pinag-iisipan kung ano bang dapat kong sabihin.
"Let's break up," I said silently. It wasn't my intention, but then he pushed me to my limit. Huling huli na nga ayaw pang umamin! Ginamit pa si James maging dahilan ng away namin.
He did not say anything. He just ended the call quickly.
The next thing I knew, our conversation is starting to clear up one by one. From the nicknames down to blocking.
What the fuck I care? Tapos na kami. He wanted it in the first place anyway.
I'm not having any regrets. Mark my words.
"Paine!" Sigaw sa akin ng professor ko at binagsak ang research paper sa harapan ko. Nandito ako ngayon sa faculty, sa may office niya. I lift up my chin to look at him.
"Ano bang nangyayari sa'yo? You failed my exam, and also your research. They assigned you to only print. Pero hindi mo nagawa!"
It's really frustating not to tell them what my real situation is. Ayokong sabihin sa kanila ang totoong nangyari. They will just give me a grade I don't even deserve.
"Mag su-summer na lang po ako," tanging tugon ko. Summer class is my last card. Iyon na lang ang makakasalba sa akin.
"Hindi puwedeng aasa ka lang sa summer!" he said. Really mad.
"Sir, wala na po akong magagawa. Ayaw ko naman po talaga mag-summer. Hindi ko po ginusto yung mga nangyayari sa'kin. Sabay-sabay na po, kug 'di pa ako magsusummer baka sumabog na lang po ako. Mayroon pa po akong iaalalang kapatid sa hospital na hanggang ngayon 'di pa rin gumigising. Sir, yung summer na lang po ang pag-asa ko. Baka po siguro sa oras na iyon, tapos na 'to lahat." I said, now bursting into tears.
Kitang-kita ang gulat sa mukha ni sir. Halatang nag-regret siya sa lahat ng sinabi niya ng malaman ang tuay na rason.
"Bakit hindi mo sinabing maynangyayari na sa family mo?" he said calmly.
"Kasi sir, ayokong makakuha ng grade na hindi ko deserve. I don't want to get them out of pity. Kailangan ko pong paghirapan iyon. Yes, aaminin ko. Pumalpak po ako, kaya naman po gusto kong mag-summer. Para at least eto na yung magagawa kong tama."
He did not said anything. Pero sinenyasan niya ako na lumabas.
I feel so exhausted. And so empty. Palabas na ako ng building ng makita ko si Clara na nakatayo sa entrance.
"I heard everything," she suddenly said.
"Huh?" confused at what she's talking about.
"May pinasa ako kay ma'am Bernandino sa faculty, nakita kita. Narinig ko pa,"
I was caught of guard. Wala kasi talaga akong balak i kwento sa kanila. I ke kwento ko na lang kapag okay na ako. At least for now nabawasan, dahil sa break-up...
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa'min?" she said, getting hurt.
"Ayoko na kasing dumagdag sa problema niyo. Alam niyo naman midterms, marami kayong inaasikaso," I tried reasoning out.
She did not buy it though. She just continued walking. Sinundan ko lang siya hanggang sa makaabot kami sa isang chicken wings diner.
"Kwento mo na lahat. As in lahat." She said making me tell all the stories.
Kwinento ko kay Clara lahat, starting form the very start until now.
"Gagong 'yon!" She said, pertaining Jagger. I laughed at her reaction. Mukha pa siyang mas affected sa'kin.
"Akala ko pa naman no'n ikaw yung magloloko, siya pala!" she acted as if her guess didn't go as she thought it will be.
"Sakit ah!" I said, holding my chess. Acted deeply hurt.
Somehow, it lessen. Totoo pala talaga na kapag nakwento mo sa kaibigan mo yung mga problema mo sa buhay. It lessen. Lahat ng mabibigat na nararamdaman mo, they can turn them into happiness and laughter. Sasabihin ko rin ito kila Ysabelle. I just need time to tell them.
We all need friends. Because who does not? It's okay to be single. Being in a relationship isn't a mandatory for every living person in this Universe. Someday, matatawa ka na lang. Iisipin na iniyakan mo ang walang kwentang tao. Na pinagaksayahan mo ng oras ang isang taong sasaktan ka lang..