The feeling of being content is a feeling we all strive to achieve one day. Whether it was to be through money, a wife or husband, a house, fancy cars, and all the riches life can offer.
Yet, I can't help but wonder, why has that feeling never truly been achieved? And once people inch closer to the feeling we materialistic people view as the capitalist's view of fulfillment, why do we then leave? Whether it was to be physically or mentally? Like Kurt Cobain ...
I still strive to know whether I will truly be happy once I have left for good? Will I get work? Will Bella be there with me? Will there be someone that will stand by me? Or will it only be my shadow in the back following me through a new world of which I was to enter? Will I be discontent, alone, and wet the sheets of my bed with the stream of my tears once the moon shines its luminescent light? Will I be one of the few who will walk through the gardens of life smelling each flower while smiling at the sun? Is there even a point in searching for a better life?
Why shouldn't I stop the search now while I'm swaying from side to side on the cruise dock while admiring the view of the tall, shriekingly and nightmare-entering waves? Which could swallow me whole at any given second? Should I permit them to do so by entering their agape, waiting to be satisfied by the insignificant ant in a herd?
A white-trash, lowlife, who was raped by an old lady! He who cannot stand up for himself! Who cannot write proper poetry! Who falls on his knees and follows the shadow of a woman which truly hates her life by now? Should I spare people the headache by marking my spot in the sea of which will be the death of me?
While I bid my goodbye to this earth by letting my lungs explode due to the overfill of water? Will that be my cowardly death? A coward dies a coward right? Or will that be a stupid mistake made by an insignificant idiot? Suddenly as if the angel of death had laid its skinny bone-like fingers on my right shoulder, I see the hazelnut hair which belongs to one Bella.
The familiar smell of flowery gardens mixed with coconut. While the cold trickles of water falling on top of my head from the ceiling and the hazelnut hair of a princess that flowed with the wind, made me regain hope. The hope that life maybe can offer me a glimpse of light? Or is that just a myth I make up in my head to keep my sanity, and not give up?
Will the touch of a skeleton and a mind of a body keep me from losing my shit and jumping off this boat? What for? What if I leave? Was it all a waste clinging onto that hope I so evidently used my time on, while starring out my prison window?
"Is it worth it, Frank?", she mumbled behind my shoulder.
"What is, Bella?", I asked while throwing my cigarette bud in the sea after copping it from a polish worker, who was shouting at the cashier of the cruise restaurant. Leaving his cigarettes and wallet unsupervised, oh how stupid one can be!
"Frank, I don't think that the thought that is circling your mind and wanting you to take action is clever ..."
"What makes you think that?", she began walking to my left and leaning on the blue-painted an icy end that could lead to a potential death if not put there.
"Frank, who do you think you're fooling? Yourself? God? Hell, me? I know about the rape, the suicide attempts, I know that your life feels insignificant and worthless to you. But, what is funny is that it only appears so to you"
"Bella, you aren't making sense! You can't possibly think that some kind of pep talk will do me good. The only reason you are standing beside me, on this slippery cruise deck, is because of Mrs. Robinson. You wouldn't have joined me, if it wasn't for that woman dragging you by your hazelnut locks"
I couldn't help but hear some sniffling and see a hot tear trickling down her rosy and thin checks. which look as if she had been starved from food for years and only now is getting proper nourishment.
"Frank, I wouldn't have been here due to my father-"
"What's so important with him, huh? He dragged you out of school, life, hell he probably even raped you for all I know. Yet-I turned around and faced her- you still fucking-I began walking closer while pointing at her- care about that old potato sack!".
"Frank, don't say that"
"Bella, he doesn't give a shit about you. No adult has ever given a shit about us, yet we are choosing to use our one chance in this life to go chasing after a bunch of nobodies! A bunch of burnouts that left us for dead on the street or used us as tools!"
"Frank stop"
"Bella you know damn well-hair strands began falling out of place- that he ruined your life. Why are you clinging onto that sperm!"
"Frank my father could die at any second!"
"That life you are feeding to yourself isn't good enough for a mind like yours-I cupped her right cheek while looking into her hollow eyes-"
"I know that its all a big fat lie, but you Frank cannot die. You have come a long way and should not have to face the consequences of others doings"
"I feel irrelevant and unreal-I began leaning on the fence again while taking another cigarette out-, you want one?-she nodded and lit the small Marlboro cancer stick-"
"If a person lost all he had to lose, what's the point in living?"
"There is always some to lose, but that clears up space for new"
"That's a lie, Bella"
"No, that's an idea you are feeding your inner ego, Frank"
"What do you mean?", I asked while sucking on the bud for my dear life.
"Frank, if there is one thing I have learned from living with a narcissist, a rapist, and a father. Is that once people hate themselves their ego gets bloated and begins to either reminisce your ideas or ideas which inflict pain on others".
"Bella, life itself is purely reminisces nothing more or less. Melancholy in its greatest form", I threw the second bud into the sea of tears from the sky. I pulled out a third while Bella was still sucking on her first.
"My oh my Frank how truly depressed teenagers we have become"
"That's what happens when life kicks ass"
Bella chuckled while she threw her cigarette joining mine in the swim to survive the pit swallowing ocean.
"what are we to do now?"
"Once we arrive in Poland we will get a cheap motel and start a new life I guess"
"What about you dad?"
"What about him?"
"Wasnt it your life long ambition to meet him? And ask him about the green coat?"
"Bella he is in maximum security in Italy, mind you that's the country we ran away from!"
"I can't visit him now! I must earn money and pull myself together to ever get to look that bastard in the eyes!"
"What would happen after? Another meltdown? Another daunting thought which enters your nightmares leaving you screaming and clinging on for your mentality?" as if the weather was as furious as Bella it began to hurl down even more while thunder was a plus one.
"Maybe then life would make more sense to me!" I confessed sucking on the last bit of nicotine from that horrible cigarette, they do taste like burnt paper but leave your mind quiet.