Chapter 20: Feelings
Remus Lupin followed the students out of the Great Hall, but those he was really following weren't in his sight range. Severus left a while ago; Harry had been talking with his godson then. Harry left instants after that; Nathan had been finishing dinner with his friends. Nathan left as soon as Harry disappeared from view into the Entrance Hall. Remus knew where they were going and he left as well, following Slytherin students that went back to their common room in the dungeons of the castle.
Remus was certain that this meeting between Harry and Severus was bound to go wrong. They never managed to deal with themselves as civilized adult wizards. He just hoped they wouldn't get violent with each other. They dueled once a year, and that was enough to keep their animosity at bay, but only because they didn't meet often. This year, though…
He had just turned the corner of the corridor where Severus' office was when a boy rushed past him, running.
"Nathan?" he asked rhetorically, knowing the running boy wouldn't listen at this volume. Remus called then, "Nathan!" The Gryffindor kept running, ignoring him.
Remus turned, intending to reach Severus' office and understand what was going on, but stopped in his tracks again. Severus was leaving, striding purposefully in the opposite direction from which Nathan had gone. Remus was worried now.
He closed the few steps left and entered the opened office. Harry stood there, eyes wild, frowning. Harry, what have you done?
"Harry?" Remus called, ensuring that Harry would acknowledge his presence in the room. "What happened here?"
Harry opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. "Snape-" he said, but stopped before saying anything else, as if short for words. After a moment and another open and close of his mouth, he continued, "I thought he was-" He choked on his words again. "But knowing for sure…" Harry trailed off, closing his eyes as if to clear the images and words from his mind, and when he finally opened them again, he focused on Remus for the first time since the werewolf had entered the room. "Snape is Nathan's father," Harry revealed, helplessness tainting his voice. "Snape!"
At that moment, Remus was aware of the catastrophic quality of what had happened there just before he had arrived. "Merlin," he said, "Nathan heard you!"
"I didn't see him. I was arguing with Snape, and…" Harry recounted, and he turned to the back of the room, pointing in disbelief to where Remus could see a workbench filled with vials, some toppled down but still closed, others lying on the floor, shattered. "And he was hiding over there, but I didn't see him until the vials broke, right after Snape said it." Harry looked startled to Remus. "We have to find him! He was crying when he fled. Snape went after him," Harry told Remus. "We have to find him first! I won't let Snape get to him!"
"Calm down, Harry. Severus didn't go after Nathan," Remus assured. "They went opposite ways." Remus was finding it hard to absorb everything he was being told. Severus told Harry? Shocking, indeed. "What did Severus do when he found Nathan in the room? Did he say anything?"
"He seemed surprised, but you never know what Snape is really feeling or thinking. He said something about Hermione and a deadline, and then he left. I thought he had gone after Nathan," Harry said. "Are you sure he didn't?" he asked Remus. "For a moment I thought he was trying to reach out for Nathan."
"They went opposite ways," Remus assured once more. "We need to inform Hermione."
"I'm going after Nathan," Harry said.
"Stay out of this, Harry. You've done enough already," Remus warned.
"He's my godson, Remus. I can't leave him now, when he needs me the most," Harry said, determined. "Which way?" he asked.
"Harry, Hermione will be very angry when she finds out you were sticking your nose where you shouldn't."
"Which way, Remus?" he repeated, a hard look of determination in his eyes.
"The Entrance Hall," Remus finally answered, resigned. "But I really think you should look for Hermione first," he tried again, but Harry was already leaving. "Or I could," he muttered to himself and left Snape's office, too.
Severus strode into his living room and banged the door behind him. The first object that caught his eyes, the Floo powder jar, was the first to fly across the room, shattering against the far bookshelf, spreading the fine powder everywhere.
This was not supposed to happen, this was not supposed to happen, was the chant in his mind. How could he, Severus Snape, let himself be driven like that? Those words should have never left his mouth; he should have never said them aloud. He knows.
Severus grimaced in anger with himself, shaking his head, fisting his hands and contorting his face in visible pain. A pain he hadn't experienced in quite some time. One caused by no physical injury, but one connected to a part of him that he shouldn't feel anymore: his heart.
He knows. The little boy that had invaded his life like nothing and no one should be allowed to do. The young pair of fathomless black eyes that couldn't let him forget the blood connection they shared, a connection he'd made to this forbidden boy, this undeserved joy. The son he didn't want to see suffering for the father he unfortunately had, and that despite it all had the audacity to claim him – aloud.
Other objects flew from the mantelpiece, spreading across the stone floor, some also broken like the man throwing them. How could this have happened? How could he have done this to Nathan? Severus grabbed the mantelpiece, hanging his head down with his eyes closed. The look of disgust and pain in his boy's face was haunting his mind; the whispered words of hurt, the tears, and those pleading eyes… Severus shouldn't have let that happen.
Severus' eyes suddenly flared open, reflecting the flames below in his blind anger. Potter, the name invaded his thoughts. Potter and that incredible gift to meddle where he wasn't supposed to; the gift the infuriating man had to throw him off his limits. Potter was the one responsible. Potter had interfered and messed with his carefully held plan, which had never included Nathan's awareness of the truth.
Nathan…
Severus closed his eyes again and reached for his pocket, taking the small glass vial that accompanied him since Christmas. Its liquid swirled in many colors of many shades. Severus pushed his lank black hair from his face with his free hand, while stepping away from the hearth, lowering himself into one of the armchairs that faced it. Reds, blues, greens, purples, greys, and yes, tinges of black revolved into the amulet in his hand – Nathan was very confused, probably in shock. Of course he is, Severus thought. How can he not be? He just found out that his most despised teacher is his long-lost father.
Severus watched the myriad of colors as if hypnotized by them. He watched and frowned at every dark feeling he read in them, hoping that Hermione would reach Nathan soon and soothe him like she'd done with his nightmare. She won't be long now, if she wasn't in the castle already. His son needed comfort, and although Severus felt a barely controllable urge to go and find him, he knew he should leave it to the boy's mother.
The colors were getting darker in feeling. Severus stood and started pacing the room, his boots crushing pieces of glass and other materials in his walk in front of the hearth. Isn't Hermione with Nathan right now? Why won't the boy calm down, then? Severus paced and stared at the amulet in his hands.
Until the potion flashed a strong shade of red and… lost its color.
Severus stopped his pacing and lowered the hand holding the vial. He closed his eyes, his shoulders losing some of their stature in a long sigh. Nathan wasn't wearing his Christmas gift anymore; he'd taken the necklace off.
Nathan ran. He ran as fast as he could, trying to get away from there, away from that mess. He wasn't sure to where he was going, only that he had to go. He had to get away. It didn't help the fact the he could barely see the corridors and stairs ahead of him, tears blurring his vision. Nathan felt unbalanced at times, but never connected it to the people he was colliding in his eagerness to be as far away as possible from the man – his father.
Professor Snape is my father. He stopped running, short of air, a loud sob escaping him in his helplessness. Professor Snape is my father. He didn't want to think of that, so he started to run again, as if he could run from himself.
Nathan didn't get much farther in this second desperate flight; he was tired. His legs had taken him all the away up to the third floor. He cleared his eyes in the sleeves of his robes, breathing hard among his sobs. He looked around. He knew he recognized the room; he'd been there before. He felt he was far enough.
Nathan's legs finally gave up, and he curled himself between the cold stone wall and one of the bases of a heavy suit of armor. He hugged his knees and rocked slowly. Professor Snape is my father. It was so hard to believe. After all this time looking for his father, trying to find out who he was, and now he knew.
And it was Professor Snape.
Nathan sobbed again, burying his face into the comforting dark hole between his knees, resting his forehead on his folded arms. It was Professor Snape all along. He tried to take a deep breath to stop his running nose and bring some calm into himself. He gasped with the effort it took to conceal his tears. Nathan rubbed his swollen eyes with his damp sleeves, and opened his eyes to focus the floor between his curved legs.
And closed them hard in an attempt to hold back tears forming anew by the sight of the pendant hanging from his neck – his father's Christmas gift; Professor Snape's Christmas gift. It had meant so much for Nathan… And now that he knew who it was really from. That his steamed, cherished necklace, an object said to be meant for his protection. Snape's protection? A potion that showed his mood; a potion brewed by his Potions master. My father.
Nathan roared in frustration, gripping the pendant, angry with Snape, with his mother, with himself. He pulled so hard that the chain gave away, and Nathan looked at it for some time before letting his arm fall beside his numb body, resting his head back on the hard stone wall, and closed his eyes. Alone.
Remus was looking at the grounds through the window of his office when the door opened without any warning, startling him from his thoughts.
"Remus, I can't find him. He's not in Gryffindor Tower, nor at the library, and no one has seen him. The locator spells aren't working, and you've got to help me!"
Remus looked at Harry, barely concealing the relief at seeing him back from his search without the boy. Not that he didn't want Nathan to be found, he just wanted him to be found by his mother.
"Let's wait for Hermione," Remus said in means of an answer. "She'll be here at any moment now."
Harry looked Remus in the eyes, imposing. Remus held Harry's eyes, determined and knowingly. Harry raised a hand to rub at his scarred forehead. "Remus, he needs-"
"Remus, where is he?" Hermione burst into the room, interrupting them, taking a while to notice the presence of another wizard in the room besides the Defense teacher. "Harry?" she asked, visibly surprised. "What are you doing here?"
Remus interfered before Harry could answer. "He was also there, Hermione," he said pointedly.
Hermione took only a moment to confusingly absorb the information. Harry was there? she repeated mentally in question. Oh my God! Her eyes widened when she finally realized the meaning in Remus' words: Harry had also found out. Her shock was slowly leaving her face. The wizards in the room kept silent, observing the myriad of emotions passing Hermione's face, which settled to show her outrage. She looked sharply in Harry's direction. "I've specifically asked you not to interfere! I can't believe you, Harry!" she accused her best friend, knowing him quite well enough to deduce some of what had happened that evening.
"Don't come accusing me, Hermione," Harry defended himself in a much lower, but still strong tone of voice. "It's hardly my fault that you chose to hide that Snape was Nathan's father," he added, showing his dislike for the man in his words.
Hermione gasped in disbelief. "Yes, it's your fault! I had a reason to hold that information, mister, but you had only your nosy need to interfere in other people's business!"
"I've asked you, Harry," she continued her fit of rage, pointing an accusing finger at her friend's chest. "That should have been enough to tell you that this was no concern of yours. I was trying to avoid this, this…" she had no words to describe the situation, "but you can't listen! You never listen!" Hermione ranted, emphasizing every word of her last accusation with a poke.
Hermione was still very angry and close to Harry when he argued, "You should have told me." He wanted to show anger with those words, but only managed disappointment. "Snape, Hermione. Nathan is… a Snape!" Harry was obviously disgusted.
Hermione made to retort hotly, but sensing Remus' inquietude and remembering her son was somewhere in the castle, needing her, she gave up, closing her eyes and taking a deep, shaky breath. "This conversation is not over, Harry James Potter, but now is not the time. Nathan is who I'm worried about right now," she said in a dangerous voice, glaring at the recipient of her warning note.
Harry fidgeted under her powerful glare until Hermione broke the eye contact and asked Remus, "Where is my son?"
"We don't know yet. He passed by me, running. Harry was trying to find him with locator spells, but they failed to work. I didn't want to leave before you arrived."
"You don't know where he is?" That worried her even more. "And the locator spells aren't working?" she asked, some of her desperation returning now that her mind was focused on Nathan again. "Are you sure?"
"At least, none that I know of. There seems to be something or someone countering, blocking them. I don't think Nathan knows how to raise wards against locator spells. Not all of them in the least," Harry provided, apparently also focused again in the task of finding his godson. "I think we'll have to find him the Muggle way. Maybe the ghosts can help."
"Well thought, Harry," Remus agreed. "I'll summon them."
She nodded once in acknowledgement, frowning. She didn't think Nathan would know how to counter every single locator spell Harry – an Auror – knew. Hermione dueled on that a little longer, but finally changed her line of thought, concentrating on how to find Nathan without the spells, and that was when she remembered last weekend.
"I know of a way to find him," she revealed, "but I'll need Severus' help."
Harry made to protest, but nothing left his opened mouth after the second warning, deadly glare he received from Hermione that night.
"If you want to help, shut up and start searching the castle. If you find him, send me a Patronus," Hermione simply said, and walked to the door. Before leaving Lupin's office, she turned to him and added, "I'll do the same."
Remus nodded, approaching a still outraged but silent Harry.
Nathan rested against the wall for a long time, concentrating on breathing. He opened his eyes but didn't move. He stared at the high ceiling while he indulged the thoughts that filled his confused mind.
He moved his head to the right, still resting it on the stone wall. There were shelves protected with crystal glasses, and he could make out the shiny badges and trophies kept on them. He stared at a particularly big trophy, but he didn't really care to whom or for what merit it had been awarded. He stared, saw it, but didn't care much for anything.
Now that the shock of the revelation was wearing off, he felt a strange numbness. It was like a weight from his heart had been finally lifted, and it was dazzling and oddly sad.
It was so obvious now. All the signs, all the clues he had failed to catch. The strange look on Snape's face when he'd told him he didn't know who his father was; the way his professor looked and treated him after that night, during the detentions. He tried to get rid of more than once, he remembered and grimaced with the pain it caused.
Nathan righted his head and was again facing the ceiling of the trophy room. He knew I was looking for him. He brought his eyes to his lap, his clasped hands resting there. He never wanted me to find out. His eyes lost their focus. He never wanted me. That brought an uncomfortable, heavy feeling to his chest. Nathan replayed all those times he was shooed from the dungeons for no apparent reason, all those times his professor – no, father – showed his disgust for him for what looked like nothing at all, but that now Nathan knew why.
He felt a knot in his throat, but he hadn't the strength or the will to cry anymore. Yes, it was like a nightmare and he wanted to wake up, but his eyes were already open and there was nothing else he could do. So he stared at his hands and brought his knees closer to his chest.
A roughness in a curious pattern on the stone floor caught his attention while he concentrated on breathing again. Why didn't he tell me? There could be so many reasons… Why didn't she tell me? The pleading voice of his mother asking for his comprehension rang in his head. Why did she keep saying she couldn't tell me? Reasons for that, Nathan thought, were harder to find. Nathan always thought she'd kept his father a secret and away because he was dangerous in some way. This idea didn't go well with what Hermione ever told him about Professor Snape.
Nathan closed his mouth tighter, creasing his forehead, gripping his robes, scratching his nails on his knees. He closed his eyes, trying to rein the surge of feelings, but his breaths were still coming in puffs. How could he bear all they had done to him? Why would they want to hurt me like this? His mother, his father; they were his parents! They were supposed to take care of him. They were supposed to love him! The cloth closed in his grip was all that prevented him from injuring his palms. He tried to tear the fabric, but was too weak to do more than wrinkle it. So he stared at his white-knuckled hands, again.
And staring wasn't enough, so in angry frustration, Nathan stood from the corner and walked across the room, stopping to stand in front of a crystal display. The yellow light of the torches illuminating the room made the plate he faced shine and his focus changes. He now stared at himself reflected in the glass. "Stupid!" He grimaced. "You're so stupid!" he growled at himself. Disgusted, he splayed a hand over his reflection. Still frustrated, he punched, and punched again with more force. He felt a little better, so he kept hitting the glass.
Nathan spent himself in his rage, knocking some of the prizes inside the cases. He was now on his knees, panting. "Stupid," he said in a whiny whisper. Nathan raised his eyes, and something shiny caught his attention. He whimpered, realizing it was the necklace. Taking all the strength he had left, he crawled to it; grabbing it and throwing it as far as his sore arms could manage. "I hate you!"
Recoiling in that same cold, hard corner, Nathan cried again, but this time he never saw the flow of tears fading; he fell into a blissful sleep.
Hermione walked quickly through the ancient halls of Hogwarts castle, heading for the dungeons. She was sure that nothing could counter whatever charms Severus had placed on Nathan's necklace; they would find him in no time, they had to.
Since Remus' head had showed up in her hearth until she'd burst into his office, thoughts of how this came to happen and of how her baby was faring were crawling her mind, unforgiving. As much as she had played this moment over and over in her head, she could never be sure. Her heart wanted to believe that Nathan would understand, that he would finally find joy over the answer to his long-asked question. She could hope; she would hope.
Until she entered Remus' office. There, her hope faltered a little by the presence of Harry, but what hit it hardest were Remus words describing how he last saw Nathan: running, lost. She needed to find him, she had to find him, she would find him. And then… then what? She didn't know anymore, but Hermione knew her place was wherever her son was.
Breathing heavily, she entered Severus' office. There was no one in the room. She quickly walked in, reaching the lab's hidden door, opening it just to find another empty room. His quarters, she thought, turning on her heels, determined. Yes, she'd noticed the disarray of vials in the back of the office and listened to the cracking glass under her shoes, but that only fitted the image forming in her mind of the disaster that had taken place there today.
Severus' quarters weren't far from there. Severus… What happened here? Nathan and then Harry, this was a nightmare! She knocked and called, "Severus!" She knocked again. "Severus, open up!" The door opened, and she walked in before being invited, stopping in front of the hearth. She heard it again, the same sound of crunching glass coming from under her shoes. She assessed her surroundings, noticing the empty mantelpiece. She looked back to the man studying her from between the lank curtain of black hair.
"I need-"
"How is-" Severus spoke at the same time.
Both halted their words, waiting the other to finish. No one continued. Severus nodded, giving her the turn to speak.
"I need your help to find Nathan," she said, intrigued by the scenario she was finding in the Potions master's living room, including said master. "You can get to him through that necklace, can't you?"
He didn't answer right away. She waited for his words, barely concealing her despair for them. She had to find Nathan, but she needed his help, so she waited. Seconds, unbearable seconds. "Severus?" she urged.
"I can't," he finally answered, but didn't elaborate.
Hermione found him suspiciously… distant, dispassionate. "You can't, or you won't?"
"I can't," he repeated, his dark eyes shining angrily at her. "He took the necklace off."
Not that dispassionate, she realized, before averting her eyes from his and lamenting Nathan's actions. She had been counting on the necklace. Hermione turned from him, brushing her hair back in a nervous movement.
"If that's all, you can always resort to locating spells. I'm sure you know at least one." His eagerness to get her out of there didn't surprise her, but the irritation it brought was hard to ignore.
"The locator spells aren't working, that's why I thought we could use the necklace," she explained tersely, with her back still turned to him.
He went silent again. Hermione turned to see the reason and found him lost in thought. As if sensing her eyes on him, Severus said, "He doesn't want to be found."
Hermione didn't even fight the urge to roll her eyes. "That's pretty obvious, Severus, and that's also not an option." Anxiety made Hermione snidely add, "Are you going to help me or not? Because if not, you're wasting my time and I really don't want to lose any more time that I could be using to find-"
"Wait here," he said with some force to his normally smooth voice so as to override her nervous babble, and then retreated to another room of his quarters.
Hermione didn't have much time to protest. Severus was soon back, dressed in his black wool coat. He passed by her, heading for the exit. She didn't follow.
"I thought you didn't want to waste time," he pointed out, startling her into following him out into the dungeons corridor.
When he strode purposefully towards the enchanted stairs, she said, "I thought to start the search in the dungeons."
"He's not down here," he said simply, never slowing his pace or turning back to her.
"He might be down here, and since we are here already, we should start with the dungeons," Hermione insisted, struggling to keep up with Severus.
"He's not in the dungeons," he assured again.
Hermione ran a few steps to stand in front of him, holding a hand to his chest to halt his advance. "I think he might be down here." Her eyes were pure determination.
"Yes, because someone running from me would obviously hide in the dungeons," he agreed sarcastically, eyes on hers.
"Because it would be the last place you would look," she said back, and a staring moment later, added, "and he might not be running from you."
"Stay, if you prefer," he said, removing her hand from his chest.
He was almost in the Entrance Hall when she sighed and followed. Hermione didn't know what was going through Severus' head, just as she didn't know what had passed there earlier that evening. Catching up with him, she went the first set of stairs in silence, gathering her breath after her run.
"Where do you think he is?" Hermione wasn't a fool; she realized he was heading somewhere specific.
"The seventh floor," he answered.
"Why the seventh floor?" she asked, now also curious with his hunch.
He stopped in his tracks, annoyed. "I always find him there when he's upset. Now, if you would stop asking annoying questions, we could get there faster." Severus turned and started walking again.
"You have yet to answer a lot of my annoying questions, Severus. Don't think I'll refrain from making them just because you look at me with your Hufflepuff-scaring glare."
He didn't answer.
"What happened today?" Hermione asked.
"Potter happened," he growled.
Hermione walked close to Severus. When he didn't elaborate, she insisted, "What did Harry do?"
No answer.
"Severus, I need to know what happened. When we get to Nathan, I need to be prepared." She saw the muscles flexing while his jaw worked furiously.
"He came here to tell me how to deal with my students, the arrogant brat! I've been doing this all my life and I don't need a nuisance of a Potter to tell me how I should educate my students!" Severus bared his teeth and growled curses under his breath.
"And he told you that you shouldn't treat Nathan like you treated him." She wasn't asking. Hermione knew Harry all too well to doubt he wouldn't.
Severus stopped to look at her again; his eyes were black flames of determined fury. "He can't tell me how to treat my son!"
Hermione held his gaze, as difficult as it seemed. "No, he can't," she agreed after a while. It was visible how her words surprised him. "Harry didn't have the right to interfere, I agree with you."
Severus resumed his walk, slower now, and she found it easier to keep up with him. "So you simply told him that." Her affirmation, a question; his silence, her answer. "And Nathan heard," she lamented, still looking at him. He bowed his head just enough for his hair to obscure his face.
They finished climbing the remaining steps in thoughtful silence. Hermione was connecting the pieces of information and drawing the big picture of what have happened. If Severus was arguing with Harry when he had admitted his fatherhood, then Nathan had found out the worst way possible. What a disaster, she bemoaned to herself.
They walked the corridors of the seventh floor now. Severus was walking faster again. They turned a corner, and he slowed his pace, stopping altogether in front of a large window. She didn't need to be a Legilimens to know that was the place he had been heading for. But Nathan wasn't there, and she felt her heart clench tighter. Where are you, baby? she thought, afflicted.
"I never meant to let him know, especially not like this." Severus broke the silence, still looking out the window to the grounds.
"We'll find him," she heard herself assure him. "Where else do you think he might be?"
Severus shook his head, his back still to her. Hermione approached the window, standing beside him. She'd never seen him like this. It's not that she'd never seen emotions in him, because she had. Anger, distaste, annoyance, indifference, smugness, but never this… Helplessness? Grief? Regret? She couldn't place it; but her impulse to make him feel better, she could.
"Everything will be fine. We'll find him, and we'll work things out," she assured again, placing a hand on the crook of his crossed arm. He brought his gaze from the grounds to her hand. She squeezed his arm, reassuring, and turned to resume her search. Severus was the one following now.
They rounded the floor and still there was no sign of Nathan. They went down one floor, nothing. They descend another floor and Hermione was startled by a purple light shining behind her. "What was that?" she questioned Severus, who had his wand out.
"He's still blocking the locator spells," he answered frowning. "Did you teach him that?"
Hermione shook her head. "He learns a fair many things on his own, from books," she commented. "He's a proud know-it-all," she added with an apologetic smile.
"That he is," he agreed.
"But I don't think he's actually casting any shield or ward," she continued. "His raw magic was always very perceptible, and he does have a strong temper."
"Yes, he does," Severus agreed again.
A noise coming from the end of the corridor made them alert. Severus strode in the direction of the sound, wand at the ready. Hermione was close behind. Near a statue, Severus stopped and murmured what Hermione realized was an enchantment. Two boys appeared out of thin air.
"Mr. Henderson and Mr. Farner," Severus said, facing the boys in time with his addressing. "Twenty points from Gryffindor for wandering the castle after curfew," he stated. "And detention," he added.
The boys only sighed, lowering their heads and preparing to go back to Gryffindor Tower. Hermione made them back up. "Did you see Nathan Granger, my son?" she asked them.
"No, we didn't, Ms. Granger," the taller one answered.
Hermione nodded her understanding, dropping her eyes.
"Do you want us to help look for him?" the shorter – Mr. Henderson, she thought – offered.
"That won't be necessary. You've wandered enough for tonight. Now, back to your common room," Severus ordered before Hermione could even think about the boys' offer.
They quickly disappeared around the corner, heading for the marble stairs.
Hermione sighed.
"Those dunderheads would be of more hindrance than help," Severus said, already steps ahead of her.
Hermione didn't bother to argue. She was getting more anxious and worried with every corridor and room they found empty or inhabited by students other than Nathan. "Where are you, honey?" she murmured. If Severus heard, one would consider his increased pace an answer.
Another floor thoroughly searched and yet no sign of Nathan. They were now on the fourth floor.
"Where is he?" Hermione asked, nervous. "We've been through half the castle and no sign of him! Do you think he might be outside, in the Forest? Maybe I should send Harry and Remus there, just in case. If he's injured and can't come back, like the last time… I can't handle this anymore!"
"Get a grip on yourself, woman!" Severus chided her. "He's not in the Forest. We have three floors and the dungeons to search." He took his wand out and tried the locator spell again. The purple light glowed and steadied in an arrow pointing downstairs.
Hermione passed by Severus, calling, "Nathan!"
Severus sighed relieved and followed. They went down another flight of stairs and were now entering the third floor. Two corridors ahead, Severus opened the door to a room: the trophy room. Even if the locator spell hadn't pointed to this room, the torches illuminating it would have been enough to evidence the presence of someone there. The same torches made an object on the ground glow, and Severus went for it, but Hermione was oblivious. She looked around; the room wasn't small.
"I found him," Severus said, some feet away, looking to the base of a suit of armor. Hermione was quickly by his side, looking in the same direction. There, with his head hung to one side, reclined in the wall, legs curled up beneath him, was Nathan.
"Nathan!" Hermione said, hurrying to get to him. Severus halted her with a firm grip of her arm. She looked angrily at him.
"You'll wake him," he said. She struggled to get free, ignoring his words. "He won't come if he's awake," Severus insisted. Hermione stopped struggling.
Severus released her and approached the boy on the floor. Hermione observed how easily it seemed for him to take Nathan into his arms and carry him. Severus cautiously arranged Nathan in his grip and their son mumbled in his sleep, but didn't wake. She went to them and carefully shifted Nathan's arm that was limply hanging to rest on his chest.
"Where?" Severus asked in a soft voice.
"My quarters on the fourth floor," Hermione whispered back. She took her wand out and conjured her Patronus, sending it to Harry and Remus with the message that they'd found Nathan. Severus looked disapproving, but said nothing.
Hermione didn't say anything while they walked the corridors and stairs that separated them from her quarters, and neither did Severus, but the thoughts in her mind were distracting her from the echoing sound of their shoes to the stone floor. She walked beside Severus, looking Nathan's sleeping face and thinking about everything that had passed that day. Her son knew what she'd kept a secret for all those years; he knew who his father was. It would be a relief, if it wasn't for how things had come to be.
Nathan wasn't supposed to be that distressed over the news, at least not in Hermione's head. She had always been so careful to tell him how Severus was, pointing out his many qualities and trying to explain his many flaws. She was certain that Nathan found Severus interesting and intelligent, admirable. Finding out the Potions master was actually his father shouldn't have been such a disaster. But the scenario she'd found tonight was telling her otherwise. Will he forgive me? she thought, absorbed in Nathan's even breathing blowing a strand of Severus hair. Will he forgive Severus?
She was brought back from her musings by the need to provide the password that gave them access to her quarters. They entered, and she quickly advanced to the bedroom, pulling the covers from the bed so Severus could place Nathan gently on it. Hermione sat by the foot of the bed and carefully took Nathan's shoes off. She stood, unbuttoned the robes and undid the already loose knot from his tie, removing it as well. She wanted to remove his robes, but couldn't do it by herself.
"Severus," she whispered. "Can you hold him upright? I want to remove his robes," she asked.
When she was ready, Hermione nodded at Severus, who slowly lifted Nathan into a sitting position. She removed her son's robes as if he were her four-year-old baby again. When Severus didn't lower him back right away, she shifted her attention from Nathan to the man holding him. Severus was looking at her hands holding their son's smaller ones together, with Nathan reclined against him, head resting near his chin. It was with regret that she broke the moment. "I'm done."
Severus smoothly placed Nathan back down on the mattress, softly lowering his head to the pillow. Hermione covered her boy and then felt the wards warning her of someone by the door. She kissed his forehead and left the bedroom, leaving father and son alone and closing the door behind her.
Hermione opened the door to her quarters for Harry and Remus.
"How is he?" Harry asked as soon as he entered the living room.
"He's asleep, as we found him. He's physically unharmed. We'll know more in the morning," she said, taking a seat by the hearth with a sigh.
"He'll be fine, Hermione," Remus assured. "He's a smart and strong boy; he'll understand."
Hermione nodded. She was emotionally and physically tired, now that the adrenaline was getting back to its normal rate.
"Where is Snape?" Harry asked, sharp.
"He's with Nathan," Hermione answered.
"What?" Harry stood from the seat he had just taken to move in the direction of the bedroom. Hermione locked its door just in time to obstruct Harry's advance. "Open up, Hermione," he demanded.
"No, Harry," she said. "You've interfered enough."
"You left Nathan alone with Snape! Of course I'll interfere!" he said all too loud.
"No, you won't, and keep your voice down!" Hermione hissed.
"Harry," Remus said in a warning voice.
"Stay out of this, Remus," he cautioned the werewolf. "Hermione!" Harry was indignant. "Open the door, or I'll…" He stared at her.
She closed her eyes, too tired to rant at Harry. "I won't open it, and neither will you. I'm too tired to argue with you, Harry." She left her seat and went to him. "Severus is his father, and he can be with Nathan whenever he wants," she added, removing his hand from the doorknob with some difficulty. "Go home, Harry," she asked. "We can talk when I'm not too tired to give you hell." She glared at him.
"Hermione, you can't let Snape in there-"
"Not now, Harry," she raised her voice to interrupt him. "Go home."
"Come on, Harry," Remus tugged at him.
"This is not right, Hermione," he said before leaving with Remus. She sighed when the door closed.
Taking her wand out once more, she unlocked the bedroom door and entered quietly, so as not to disturb the sleeping boy. The scene that met her eyes took her breath away and made her hope rise again in her heart. Severus was seated on the corner of the bed, looking at Nathan's face, with a hand on his son's head, tracing soothing patterns with his thumb on the boy's forehead. In his other hand, he had the necklace pressed on Nathan's chest, and was obviously feeling his heartbeat. Severus didn't notice her enter. She approached the pair slowly, but startled Severus anyway, who took his hands off Nathan and placed the necklace on the side table.
"I'll leave you with him," he said, obviously feeling awkward with how unguarded she'd found him.
Hermione took his hands in hers, and looking in his eyes, said, "Everything will be all right." And she meant every word, in her renewed hope in their future. "He'll forgive us."
Severus slipped his hands from hers and nodded. He bowed his head and had his hand on the doorknob to leave when Hermione said, "Happy birthday, Severus." He left without a word or a look back, and Hermione didn't expect he would act any differently. She took his place on the side of the bed and observed the rise and fall of Nathan's chest. "You were his gift," she murmured, "and he accepted you." She smiled. "Everything will be all right."