THE DINNER, SURPRISINGLY and shockingly didn't go as bad as I had once thought.
I, of course, got away with not eating once again, which actually made me quite happy, whereas if I ate, I would have this endless guilt built up in the pit of my stomach; even if I tried to vomit it all out. I read numerous tips online that helped - talking a lot, eating slowly and cutting food in tiny little pieces and ending up eating about 100 calories.
I hadn't eaten for a whole three days. I'm actually quite proud of myself. Yes, I am quite the drowsy one, but I feel so much lighter and feeling skinny and slim was probably the best thing.
Apparently, the human body could go sixty days without food, but not a single day without water. I'm glad the body could do this, but I know even if it couldn't; I would still do it anyways.
I was even happier that my body was slowly and gradually getting used to the fact that I wasn't eating so I got hungry less frequently which as a whole made starving myself a whole lot easier.
I'm not at the state that I want. I still have to lose a few more kilos, but I'm getting there. People say that size doesn't define us, but it does for me. People have good traits and things about them. I have neither, so unfortunately my weight has to define me. My weight has always been under my control, and once it is where I want to be, I will be able to love myself.
My remainder of the night was spent looking carefully and analysing every word, letter and syllable of Alex David's works. I'm ashamed of this; as I'm not going to get sleep, even if I try. I also read online that reading helps you feel sleepy; hopefully I can get some sort of sleep.
Publishing your independent works which were self edited online is probably the best thing about the Internet. People are becoming more and more successful just because of the Internet itself.
Many others would consider my admiration of his works obsessive. I wouldn't; I most certainly wouldn't. He is a talented man, and I hate that nowadays when you like or love something, everyone classes it as an obsession.
Obsession means that having an endless need to know everything and no less than everything. Obsession was taking admiration and putting it to an even higher level, which was obviously blasting-through- the- roof high.
Alex David's works are without a doubt, absolutely incredible and I haven't seen anything in his style in a long time and I love it. I love the originality it has within it. I love the choice of words.
You'd think that someone with a beautiful choice of words has an equal amount of beauty in the region of their words and I believe that. I think Alex David, as a person, is a spontaneous romantic; who didn't get his romantic ideas from cheesy love stories, but from his desires.
I can't be sure of everything. I can't be sure of what person he is just because I want him to be exactly that; I can't.
Clicking away, my eyes look at the brightening screen in front of me that was brighter than needed because of the switched-off lights. The air in my room is crisp and cold, my arms wrapped in a lovely warm blanket making me completely unaware of the temperature of the room.
He shares his work on a website called 'Poetic Arts' where you can personalize your own site and people can follow, like, share and repost your works. It's just a whole site dedicated to the arts of poetry.
My eyes widened as a notification popped up.
'AlexDavid is requesting to chat. Would you like to accept?"
My heartbeat speeds up. Alex David is requesting to talk to me. Me! Out of all amazing people, he chooses to talk to someone completely out of the ordinary. My fingers shakily but quickly clicks 'Accept' and it opens a chat.
AlexDavid: Hiya. :)
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: hello
I begin to get a little nervous. Should I tell that I absoloutely love his work, and would die to know everything about it?
AlexDavid: I just wanted to talk to you about the site, I've scrolled through your page and find you have great taste.
I smile.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: By great taste, you mean yourself?
He replies almost instantly, making me feel quite flattered.
AlexDavid: one of many ;)
Again; making me blush even though I was talking to someone online. Someone I've never spoke to in real life before.
AlexDavid: you're the first person on this site I can stand talking to on this site.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: I'm the first person? Even though this is a poetry website? I really do think you're bullshiting me, David.
Once again, David does not find it hard to reply again almost instantly.
AlexDavid: Definitely not bullshiting you. Why would I do such a thing to someone as rare as dandelion and burdock?
I chuckle to myself whilst rolling my eyes.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: You've been chatting with me for less than five minutes. Not as smooth as we thinks eh, David? Using our poetic verses to impress the ladies?
Shit! Did I just think that ALEX DAVID would be hitting on me? I groan and rub my forehead; this was those kinds of times where you really question yourself.
AlexDavid: You being a lady is just a bonus. How was your day today Lovie? Hopin' it was great as could be x
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: I had quite the shitty day. But it ended not half bad as I'd thought which made it a bit better. Yours? I'm hoping it was just as bad so we can complain together.
AlexDavid: Unfortunately my day was good as could be. I don't mind the slightest if you have a lil' bit of a rant about your day, Lovie. Let it out :) x
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: I'd rather not bombard you with annoying shit. Sweet of you to offer though.
AlexDavid: You most definitely aren't,love; but whatever floats your boat.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Too sweet for my own good, David.
AlexDavid: Speaking the raw truth since mid 80's, lovely.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Quite the oldie aren't you?
AlexDavid: How old are you?
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Eighteen, still going to the hellhole everyone refers to as school.
*AlexDavid has ended the chat*
Well, of course. What did I expect? That I would talk to him online for the rest of the night? No way. He won't want to talk to some stupid eighteen year old when he was in his mid-twenties.
Will I talk to someone seven years younger than me in the way that he did? No way. So how in the world can I expect him to do what I can't? At the same time I was upset, but we did have a very good quick conversation and for that I can't be ungrateful.
The next day, I got ready, not as well as others, and poured my heart and soul to Richard. I told him everything about the chats and he literally shit his pants more than I did in that moment when I found out Alex David was requesting a chat.
"So after you told him your age, the bastard just ended the chat?" Richard asks, confirming what I had only just told him. He laughed, at how pathetic he was but also because of the situation in itself.
I nod with a sigh and Richard responds with a slightly vague sympathetic look. "Yeah, he did. But it was perfect whilst it lasted."
Richard licks his lips. "Well I'm happy that you talked to him. Do you think you can show me the chats?"
I blush, tucking my hair behind my ears and looked to the floor as I could feel his stare and smirk burning into me as I mumbled a small and quiet, "no."
He continues to smirk. "Why so, Kimmy?" Richard said and I blush even more; Richard always used this particular nickname just to annoy me and express the fact that I was embarrassed and reluctant.
I slightly shove him with a giggle escaping my lips. "We didn't sext if that's what you were thinking, you dirty fucking pervert," I say and he throws his head back in laughter.
He pouts after his little period of laughter died down. "So sorry to hear that, Kimmy," he says and ruffles my hair, making it even messier than it already was, resulting in me continuing not to care; I couldn't care less about my hair, it was hardly my worst feature.
"People don't sext on poetry sites, you piece of shit," I laugh, kind of dying on the inside. The way that our conversation ended, I wished that we sexted instead, to be honest.
"His loss," Richard concluded. "Would you show me?"
"Fine, I'll show you. To the computer room then, Glen," I say and Richard starts squealing, clapping his hands together and jumping, making me laugh hard.
We make our way and quickly take our seats in one of the computers far back.
He rubs his hands together and signs into the computer, locating safari and opening it up. The computer room was fairly empty and teachers never came here, having their own computers at their classrooms.
He passes me the mouse and I type in the URL of 'Poetic Arts' as quickly as I can and type in my log in details with a click and a few seconds of rapid typing. I click on the black bubble saying 'personal conversations' and open it and flick to 'AlexDavid'.
Richard's eyes scans through as he clears his throat and began speaking.
"AlexDavid: I just wanted to talk to you about the site, I've scrolled through your page and find you have great taste.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: By great taste, you mean yourself?
AlexDavid: one of many, winky face-"
"Okay! Okay! Alright," I breathe and try to calm down. "Please read the rest in your mind, I beg," I say and walk away from the computer and go outside again, letting the anxiety do whatever the fuck it wanted.
I was so tired of fighting back the anxiety. It was exhausting, exhausting to fight back on something that you can't help.
I let it take the best of me; resulting in me shaking, feeling claustrophobic and incredibly nauseous.
Twenty minutes later, I go back to Richard, who surprisingly, is still there. I had my panic attack, and was still feeling a little shaken up over it. Anxiety doesn't start or finish at a panic attack. He smiles at me, rubs my back and whispers to me, asking if I'm alright and I smile back in response with a small nod.
"I read it," Richard remembers and mentions to me as I nod once again.
I was a little embarrassed to see my personal conversations, but then again; it's Richard. How can I hide something from him?
"What'd you think?" I reply whilst biting my lip, trying to satisfy the anxiousness building within me; but I fail miserably as I end up biting my lip so hard that it might have bled as much as my vagina on my period.
He smirks. "He was a bit too friendly wasn't he, huh Kimmy?" He smirks and winks as I blush immensely.
"Err," I mumble whilst tucking my hair behind my ears out of embarrassment.
I clear my throat and try not to let Richard succeed in the art of embarrassing me. "I don't have any idea what you're talking about," I pause and he rolls his eyes as if I was speaking complete and utter bullshit.
"He talked to me normally and that's that,"
He looks so annoyed that he might push his head against the wall because of how much he disagrees with me. I dislike the fact that Richard thinks that most boys liked me. I'm so unappealing and boring- what will boys see in me?
"Kim, come on! "He pleads.
"How is it not obvious to you?" He says and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion as he face palms and I giggle silently.
"I don't know, how about the fact that he called you 'love' a hundred times?"
Richard asks me the following question two or three times before I finally react with a not very noticeable shrug.
"For fucks sake!" he shouts and runs his hand through his hair rapidly (so rapidly that I thought hair might actually fall off) as I part my lips in shock.
Hearing slow and steady footsteps behind me, I slowly turn around to identify whose rhythmic footsteps it belongs to and when I did my heart stops beating, shivers runs down my spine and my breath hitches.
There's only one person in this whole world of seven billion people who can do that. Mr David.
I chew on my lip to prevent my teeth from chattering and try to keep myself calm; but I'm shaking so much and I can tell Mr David knew exactly why.
He looks directly at me for a couple of seconds as I gulp in disbelief. Today he looked absolutely perfect; dressed in a white dress shirt, black tie, black skinny jeans and a matching blazer.
Shit. I just checked out a teacher.
Mentally face palming, I look back at Richard who is no longer angry; just enjoying the fact that we're looking at each other as his lips holds a vague smirk dying to be showcased.
Mr David slowly and in precaution, places a hand on my shoulder as I keep it all within me not to have another panic attack. I exhale loudly as Mr David chuckles under his breath.
"Everything all right? Or is summat wrong?" Mr David asks as his eyes flicker from me to Richard, not wanting to look at either of us for too long.
I lick my lips and slowly move my eyes' focus from my shoes to Mr David's face as he does the same and looks at me in the eyes, trying to figure out why I won't look at him directly in the eyes as well.
At last, Richard decides to speak to end the deadly silence. "Yeah, everything's fine, Mr David," he says as they exchange friendly smiles as I awkwardly rub the nape of my neck.
"Great to 'ear. Tellin' the truth is 'e, Kimberly?" He says and looks at me as I pinch myself to really check if he actually just spoke to me because I was going crazy nowadays and having hallucinations was completely normal.
I let out a shaky breath whilst looking down at my shoes. "Of course, sir," I manage to say successfully without stuttering.
Mr David nods. "Alright. Just keep the noise down please," he speaks and ends this 'conversation' and walks away without another word.
I look over to Richard and mentally prepare myself for the fact that I, most likely, will have to roll my eyes soon; and indeed, I did have to. There he stands, with a smirk no longer tugging on his lips, but full-on displayed with his arms folded and a raise of his eyebrows.
"Was I the only one who noticed that?" Richard asks as I furrow my eyebrows in misunderstanding.
"What on earth are you talking about, Richard?" I ask with a shrug of my shoulders, trying to indicate the fact that I have absolutely no idea what on earth he's talking about.
He face palms and rolls his eyes once again, causing a chuckle to uncontrollably escape my lips. "You two were totally checking each other out!"
As soon as Richard says that, I want so desperately to slap some sense into him. "Richard, do you even know what checking out is?"
He rolls his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time. "His eyes were scanning you head to toe. What the hell is that? Him giving you a fucking English lesson?"
I sigh. "Is that all? Please tell me it is," I plea, not wanting to talk about this matter for any longer than I already am.
"Haven't you noticed the way he talks to you?" Richard says as his eyes widen.
It's my turn to roll my eyes. "Is this to do with that huskiness bullshit?"
He face palms for what I hope is for the last time. "His language of speaking. Oddly like Alex David."