FOR THE REMAINDER of the week, Richard's somewhat meaningless words had replayed in my mind like a broken tape recorder. As much as I denied it, both Richard and I knew that I was taking it into consideration.
He had noticed the way I always examined every syllable that escaped his lips more than usual, the way I was always so jumpy when I found out that I had a notification on my phone, secretly hoping that it was Alex.
I guess in that way, Richard and I weren't that different. We both examined things in detail, which was both a good and equally bad quality that the two of us each possessed.
As much as I wanted to talk to Alex myself, I had always mentally talked myself out of it. Things like 'You're so clingy and annoying' played an essential part in changing my mind to talk to him first.
Today was Friday and I couldn't be any more glad than I already was. I hated coming to this shithole everyday and panicking my heart out. I hated making my vulnerable state public; like many others.
With a final wave to Richard, I walk up to my house and open the door with my usual deep intake of air before entering. We had both agreed on two things: one being that we would meet up tomorrow and the other being that I was going to talk to Alex; like it or not.
I shook my head. I couldn't believe I was on a first name basis with him even though the two of us had only shared one conversation that hadn't even lasted as long as I wished.
I was so terribly hungry, I could feel myself going crazy.
Opening my door that revealed absolutely nothing other than a single note placed on the fridge, I chucked my things on the floor and furrowed my eyebrows whilst scanning the note.
Kimberly,
Your father and I had to leave. I'm so scared to be leaving you but whenever you need an adult Richard's parents have agreed to help in any shape way or form. The both of us had found out about my grandmother who is apparently very and severely ill. I would take you, but I'm sure that would add to your anxiety and stress, and also, you don't know her that much either.
I'm so very sorry that I have to inform you in the form of a note, but I don't really have much of a choice. Your father and I will be away for the remainder of the week.
I love you Kim. Hugs and kisses,
Mum and Dad. X
PS: Everything you might need is in the mini cupboard and make sure to see Beverly! Don't skip school and try to sleep for our sake.
I scream of joy and happiness and throw the note away, and take out everything from the fridge. A whole watermelon, a serving pasta bowl, a plate of grilled chicken, mashed potato and brownies.
I get my laxatives from the top of a very high cupboard. With a glass of cold water, I swallow about eight, just in case the first or second don't work. And if none of them do, I might as well die.
I devour all these things cold in about half an hour, when I could not feel more energised. Probably the best I've felt in months.
Dialling Richard's number, I try not to sound stupidly excited.
"Hey Glen!" I laugh, and I can hear his surprise through the phone.
"Yes, Eve," he says, sounding a little suspicious.
"Didn't Maura and Bobby tell you?" I shriek, "the Brownes have left me to my own devices. Please please come out."
"I'll be there in twenty, Kim. See you then," he says, sounding slightly worried and I end the call, carry my school belongings that I recently dumped and place them in their allocated place in the home whilst going upstairs to change into a more comfortable attire, as it was only Richard coming over.
As I completed my task of changing into a pair of shorts, a tank and knee socks I brush my hair and decide to let it down. Making my way downstairs, I heat up some popcorn and took out a few cokes for us to split and share.
Right on time, the door rings, becoming a sign of indication that Richard had arrived. I scurry off and answer the door and greet him with a slightly overwhelming hug.
"How is we Kimmy?" he greets and I mumble a response with a smile as we grab the popcorn and coke and make our way to the living room; placing the snacks on the coffee table.
I can feel nausea filling up my stomach, and feeling very weak. "Kim, is something wrong?" He asks, and he shakes his head, as though it was stupid to ask. "Oh God," he cries in horror, as he cradles me. "You binged."
"I have to go upstairs," I smile, feeling the acid growing in my stomach, knowing what it meant as I poured my insides into the toilet bowl. I could feel myself tearing up, the acid in my throat paining me incredibly.
I hear Richard's big feet stumbling towards me as he hands me a towel and a bottle of cold water. "What did you take, Eve?" He demands.
"Colace," I say, my voice thinner as ever as I flush the toilet and wipe my face before brushing my teeth. In between spits, I continue speaking: "it wasn't that that made me vomit, though."
"Do you expect me to believe that, Kim?" He says, rolling his eyes.
"Yes," I reply sternly, "I don't care about how you feel about this, I'll do what I want," I continue, and Richard begins to tear up. When it comes to this, I was almost a psychopath; I didn't give a single fuck. "Laxatives take time Richard, and stuff doesn't just come out of your mouth afterwards."
He is gagging at the thought. Beauty means pain. Richard began to cry as he leans his head against the bathroom wall. "You scare the shit out of me, Eve. I-I can not breathe at the idea of you-"
I wash my toothbrush and my mouth before wiping my mouth again. "Well, you're going to have to toughen up."
He ignores my remark and holds me close. "I love you so fucking much, Eve," he sobs into my shirt, and I can feel his tears wet it. "Please stop-"
I pull him away from me and wipe his tears with my fingers. "Your tears will not make me fat, Richard. I love you, not like this."
"How can you expect me-"
"Well I would expect you to want the best for me!" I shout. "The best for me is skinny, start seeing that."
"No, the best for you is healthy and alive. I feel like you're neither of those things," he says, and he takes a deep breath, trying not to cry again.
I decide to shove this under the rug. "I love you Richard," I say, hugging him again. "Let's focus on my barely existing love life, okay?"
Richard looked as though he couldn't care about anything except my well being; with his eyes and face red, and his eyes so disappointed, so heartbroken. At the same time, he probably didn't want to be a downer, so he nodded and followed me downstairs to the living room.
"What about it?" He asks as we sit on the sofa together.
"Alex," I smile.
I grab the nearest laptop and sign into it. "I think I'll do it tonight to get it over and done with," I say bravely as he nods in understanding.
"D'you prefer it if I leave?" he asks kindly as I chuckle with the shake of my head. Of course I didn't. I needed him here.
I was already signed into Poetic Arts and I had one new message, which caused my heart to leap. Looking over to Richard, he nods so I would check whom it was from and whether it was from who we thought it was.
Opening it up, I finally find out who it was who messaged me, and for once, it wasn't a let down. It was something I really wanted.
A message from Alex David.
AlexDavid: I'm sorry that I didn't reply earlier. Been caught up with writing and I freaked out when you said you were eighteen. You are incredibly mature for a girl of that age and if I started to feel something well - it would just be wrong. I understand if you don't want to talk to me again.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: It's all right. I wouldn't talk to someone seven years younger than me.
AlexDavid: Thank you so much, love.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Consider it nothing. How was your day? Was it as good as before?
"Okay, okay. This is nothing like how you guys communicated like the other day. Why are you talking so formally?" Richard questions.
I shrug my shoulders. "That was one conversation and this is another," I say simply, not thinking much of what he said.
AlexDavid: Relaxing yet exciting. What about yours Lovie? I hope it was even better x
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Boring and usual routine stuff, though something great did happen.
AlexDavid: Which was?
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Well it wasn't that great in others' opinion, but it was for me. My parents are away from the remainder of the week.
AlexDavid: Actually, many teens would love that, probably for the sake of parties. I don't think your that type Lovie.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: I'm not that type at all. I'm probably the furthest thing from social.
AlexDavid: Who said that was a bad thing?
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Who said it wasn't a bad thing?
AlexDavid: It probably isn't the smartest to answer a question with a question, love.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: It keeps the suspense and the act of curiosity apparent. But I guess it all has to do with desire.
AlexDavid: Intelligent and forgiving. You must have lads begging on your feet.
Richard laughed at this because he believed it more than he believed we were sitting down. I rolled my eyes at his foolish ideas. Boys didn't even talk to me, let alone beg on my feet.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: I'm afraid you're bullshiting me once again, David.
AlexDavid: Please don't be so modest. I bet there's a boy right near you, right now.
I gasped; shit was he smooth. Richard laughed, and patted me on the shoulder. "I think I should go, he's gonna take it from here," he winked.
"Not just yet," I say, pulling him to sit by me.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: That doesn't necessarily mean lads are begging on their feet.
AlexDavid: Modest, intelligent and forgiving.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: Flattering, talented and positive.
"I swear, Kim. If you say that he doesn't like you, I will commit suicide here and now," Richard says and I chuckle at him.
AlexDavid: I believe compliments most when they come from you.
BandsAndCigaretteSmoke: As do I.
Richard squeals and I giggle and blush.
AlexDavid: Sorry to be a scumbag, but my neighbour is being quite the noisy one. I'll be back soon.
AlexDavid: They've calmed down. But we'll chat soon beauty. Enjoyed talking' to you, love.
I take a deep breath and close the window and the laptop. Looking over at Richard, I widened my eyes in shock. I thought he would be holding his signature smirk on his lips, but he was just... Smiling.
"I hope you two meet up one day and get married," he said and I smiled whilst I shook my head at his stupidly wild ideas.
"I hope someday you lower your expectations, Richard," I say and he shakes his head as well, a way of telling me that it'll never happen.
"How about I read some of his works?" Richard suggests and I nod with a clap of my hands.
I grab the laptop once again and open Poetic Arts. Into the search bar I type Alex David and his profile page opens up. Clicking onto 'Works' I show him my favourite first, Suck It And See. He wiggles his eyebrows and I giggle at him, opening it up.
"This one's called Suck It And See," I say and he winks, but then nods, motioning me to carry on.
"Your love is like a studded leather headlock
Your kiss it could put creases in the rain
You're rarer than a can of dandelion and burdock
And those other girls are just post mix lemonade
Suck it and see you never know
Sit next to me before I go
Jigsaw women with horror movie shoes
Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you
I poured my aching heart into a pop song
I couldn't get the hang of poetry
That's not a skirt girl that's a sawn off shotgun
And I can only hope you've got it aimed at me
Suck it and see you never know
Sit next to me before I go
Jigsaw women with horror movie shoes
Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you
Blue moon girls from once upon a Shangri-La
How I often wonder where you are
You have got that face that just says
'Baby, I was made to break your heart'
Suck it and see, you never know
Sit next to me before I go
Go, go, go
Jigsaw women with horror movie shoes
Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you," I finish with a sigh of admiration. His words were just. Amazing.
"He's quite the romantic one, eh?" Richard speaks his normal stupid remarks, even after something so beautiful.
"Shut the fuck up," I warn humorously as I speak the next one. "This one's called Arabella.
Arabella's got some interstellar-gator skin boots
And a helter skelter 'round her little finger and I ride it endlessly
She's got a Barbarella silver swimsuit
And when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
My days end best when this sunset gets itself
Behind that little lady sitting on the passenger side
It's much less picturesque without her catching the light
The horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes
As Arabella
As Arabella
Just might have tapped into your mind and soul
You can't be sure
Arabella's got a 70's head
But she's a modern lover
It's an exploration; she's made of outer space
And her lips are like the galaxy's edge
And her kiss the colour of a constellation falling into place
My days end best when this sunset gets itself
Behind that little lady sitting on the passenger side
It's much less picturesque without her catching the light
The horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes
As Arabella
As Arabella
Just might have tapped into your mind and soul
You can't be sure
That's magic in a cheetah print coat
Just a slip underneath it I hope
Asking if I can have one of those
Organic cigarettes that she smokes
Wraps her lips round the Mexican coke
Makes you wish that you were the bottle
Takes a sip of your soul and it sounds like...
Just might have tapped into your mind and soul
You can't be sure."
Richard places his hands on his knees. "Okay. I'll give you this: He's talented and has got his way with words. Happy?"
I lick my lips. "Well," I begin and he sighs as I laugh under my breath. "If you only said that to make me happy, then no. I'm not happy."
He chews on his bottom lip. "But?"
"You didn't say it for my sake and so I'm glad that you agree with me," I smile and he returns the friendly gesture.
"Movie?" He recommends and I smile and nod as he holds up an old Harry Potter movie and I nod again in approval. Placing the movie in the player, he grabs the remote and takes a seat next to me as we watch the movie in unison with the occasional sarcastic remarks.
Two hours pass and the movie ends and rolls to the credits, mentioning actors and editors. Richard sighs and removes the disc, placing it in its original habitat of the case.
The doorbell rings and we both gasp in shock, not having a single clue about the identity of the person who recently rang the doorbell and millions of questions were eating me alive.
This time, I decide to answer the door; I didn't usually because I was socially awkward and the two of my parents normally answer the door anyways. Becoming braver than usual, I walk over to the door and inhale a large amount of air before answering the door.
My eyes soften as the door opens; revealing whom it was at the door. I had felt my heart beat so loud I could hear it and I'm sure Richard would too and my mouth had become dry from opening so wide for so long.
I try to keep myself together as I close my mouth and pretend nothing was wrong. "Mr-Mr David?" I stutter and try to comprehend as I stare at him and his reaction was almost a clone of mine, shock and only shock. Mr David looked incredible, a black tee and jeans.
All I could think about was how ugly I must've looked at this moment in time, with my shorts, knee socks and tank top. I felt so exposed, he had never seen me like this, and I looked terrible.
He digs his hands deeper into his skinny jean pockets. He was looking so casual and I loved it. "Kimberly," his husky voice echoes through the evening air and I nod. He started to eye me up and I began to feel more than uncomfortable; I mean, who wouldn't? If an attractive man eyed you up, you would think that he was only thinking wrong of you.
I run my hand through my hair, not believing what was happening at all. "What brings you here?" I manage to say successfully, the only thing I made eye contact with was the floor.
Though, slowly but gradually, my eyes moved up to see was wearing which hopefully made him feel some sort of the same discomfort I did earlier. "I, err," he spoke and my eyes widened slightly. He was stuttering? At me? I nod once again, gesturing him to carry on to whatever he pleased to say.
He rubs his neck nervously and I wanted to break into laughter. I suddenly knew exactly what it felt like to be Mr David, having someone who was so nervous around you. "I actually moved here not too long ago and I thought I should put me social hat on and greet some of me neighbours," He rambles and I nod.
Licking my lips, I think on what to say next. So Mr David was my neighbour, the teacher who accompanied me in smoking a week or so ago. God forbid my parents ever meet him.
"My names Kimberly Browne, and you are?" I say as I release my hand out, ready for Mr David to shake. He chuckles lightly at my actions.
Putting his hand in mine, my eyes suddenly jolt to meet his, wondering if he had felt what I had; a rush of electricity through my veins. I didn't know whether he did or not, but I hoped he did.
"Alex," he spoke happily in response with the nod of his head. "Alex David." My lips parted in shock.
He was the Alex David. I looked at Richard and he was already looking at me.
I can't say the thought never came to mind, but I didn't know that that thought was particularly true! He was the talented Alex David that I had admired for his talents, the Alex David who talked and complimented me.
And what was I?
A girl. A boring eighteen year old girl who is fat, lazy and annoying, a girl with three different mental problems. A girl who has panic attacks every half hour.
That's all I was.
My legs began to tremble as my body began to shake uncontrollably as Mr David stood and watched, not knowing what to do at all. I began to feel nauseated and I knew exactly what was going to happen.
I was going to faint.
I could feel everything spinning around me and losing control. I could feel a lump in my throat, preventing me to sleep. I could feel my stomach grumble and cry hungrily.
Everything I didn't want to think about came to mind as I tried to push it away, becoming more unsuccessful than ever. Thoughts about how fat I was, thoughts about putting pressure on Richard, thoughts about disappointing my parents all struck me like lightning.
"Kimberly!" Mr David and Richard shouted simultaneously as he scooped me up in his arms and took me inside the house, slammed the door with his foot and lay me down on the sofa, worry struck.
And after that, everything went black.