"HEAL HER ALEXANDER. Heal her," had seemed to be the only combination of words that never, ever left my brain. I wanted to know why, I wanted to understand.
I tried to figure out how could Alex possibly 'heal' me, when there was nothing to heal?
I was completely fine, other than my never ending disability to not sleep and have boundless panic attacks.
I don't even think Alex understood what he meant either; I certainly didn't, but you would expect the poet to understand hidden meanings, especially from him.
Also, it wasn't as though I could just walk up to him and say 'Hey, remember that time when you said that, what the fuck did you mean?'
The majority of my days were spent wondering about what was to happen in the future; I mean, how could I not? Everything us as humans are going to experience, will forever be a mystery.
Especially in my case, being a naturally curious person doesn't help in this situation at all. It was almost as if whatever you wondered about, just ate you alive and never seemed to leave your mind. It wasn't the best thing to experience either.
Sir Bloomsbury approved of all intimate actions, which we shared as well which didn't fail to leave me forever yearning with curiosity.
What did this mean for Alex and I? It was the main barrier of our relationship to go any further, and now, that it was no longer existent, do we run into each other's arms?
We hadn't even talked about that. We hadn't talked at all to be honest. As to why was vaguely unknown, but still slightly known.
To add to the lovely mix of deep curiosity, the feelings of affection towards Alex hadn't become any less fond. I wanted to do all sorts to him, to be completely honest.
Who wouldn't?
His beauty itself was so hard to comprehend and accept. The way his hair was presented and looked was too breathtaking for me; it was a slightly dark brown, which was frequently styled in a quiff.
We were both around the same height, only about ten centimetres of a difference, which wasn't like your typical small girl big boy kind of stereotyped relationship.
His legs were long and slim, forever looking amazing.
I don't know why he meant so much even though I didn't know him that well. Whether it was because he was so, so beautiful or I was just blinded by his choice of words, I don't know. I felt like I already knew him.
I was going to do something, which was brave. Me? Brave? It doesn't even make sense to me in my head. I don't know, I really don't even know, but I had to do this, more than I had to kiss Alex.
It was such a significant necessity, Alex was. He made me everything I was and wasn't. That didn't even make sense; nothing did, absolutely nothing. One thing that did was that I didn't want what he made me feel to stop.
My mind was worse than a jumbled mess; now more than ever. Yes, we have talked before, yet that doesn't take away the amount of nervousness and urgency that is building up within me.
It was opposing to our other conversations; this time I was going up to him whilst knowing that I was doing so. Our other encounters were all accidental.
There were millions of questions that needed to be asked and answered in order for curiosity to fail in eating me alive; it was a fact.
Richard didn't know the specifics, but he knew I was going to see Alex; he could tell. I wasn't shocked of that, though. He's Richard for goodness' sake.
He'd known me forever and so it was almost impossible for him not to recognise something was going to happen; especially something like this, which barely happened.
Let me rephrase that. Never.
Most people would have what they needed to say all planned out in this kind of situation, as rare as it is, but I had absolutely no idea what I had to say. I just had a million questions, desperately in need of answers.
I was an attracted, anxious overly curious girl running after her teacher in question of their relationship and where it stood.
I had to stop overthinking this situation. I knew, it was rare of me to do something like this but over thinking was going to kill me more than any disease and over reacting to the situation that hadn't even happened yet wasn't a healthy way of thinking.
So, I walked as fast as my legs could carry me and felt my heart pounding out of my chest- I could hear it as well. My stomach was in knots, as I trembled uncontrollably as I thought of every way possible in how it could go wrong.
How I could say the wrong thing, how he'd think that I was an idiot or being simply naïve because it was just a kiss and exchange of words, how he'd turn me down. How, to him, a kiss meant nothing, because it was what it was; a kiss.
There wasn't a thought that didn't come to mind.
Although I went nonetheless, knowing deep down that whatever was to come was fine. I wanted to talk to him and hear his voice that could make me fall in love within a second.
I wanted to see him in real life, not my stupid imagination, hallucinations and in my dreams.
I wanted to see him.
Even if he did turn me down, I would get my answers, and a heartbreaking one. That didn't matter. How could I finish this chapter if I was missing a page?
I was peeking from the small window in the door, and could see a section of what was going on. Alex was gathering all the sheets of paper he had given out to the class and occasionally placing the chairs under the allocated desks.
I couldn't read what he was feeling, but he just seemed calm and, normal, from what I could tell but I could never know that for a fact. Alex seemed like the kind of guy who knew how to hide it all, which was and is completely unnecessary.
I shut my eyes and inhaled the air provided before opening the door and waiting for everything to happen to happen in a heartbeat, which wasn't the case.
This time, Alex's emotions were quite easy to read. You could tell he was shocked even though a gasp didn't leave his lips; that seemed to be my thing, apparently.
His lips were apart and his eyes were slightly widened. I just stared at him for a few seconds, to figure out everything else, but who he was wasn't painted all over his face; it was deep, deep beneath the surface.
"Kimberly," he whispered, almost inaudible, as he tried to fix himself and make himself less open to his emotions.
I wanted to close my eyes in delight of the fact that he said my name; it had managed to roll of his tongue as though the name was made for his tongue and his tongue only. It was such a bliss; like everything you wanted was there just for you.
A tear rolled against my cheek, as I felt the sudden coldness of the tear and a empathetic look is drawn on Alex's face. Great, I'm already getting emotional.
He walked over and wiped the tear away with the help of his porcelain thumb, rubbing against my cheek and my body starts up, roaring like an engine. He ignited me with such a touch, a touch I wasn't used to which made it all the more effective.
Something burst within me and I laughed. I laughed so much my cheeks ached in agony as well as my stomach as Alex soon joined in and we laughed for ten minutes straight, communication not being the reason as to why.
Neither of us knew the reason to be honest; everyone would expect something like Alex comforting me and telling me not to cry, as we cuddled and explained our undying love for one another.
This time Alex was the one who was crying, tears of joy, I presume as he was previously laughing and that was the kind of tears that actually made sense after many episodes of laughter.
I rubbed his tear and he smiled at me and I glisten. The warmth in my heart some how increased and it was amazing.
"Alex," I whispered back at last, as he smiled even wider and I could only imagine the pain in his cheeks.
"Why are you here?" He said which seemed to tear my world apart. It sounded like something insulting but I'm sure that that wasn't Alex's intentions- his heart is made of roses.
"I want to talk to you," I say, my focus mainly on the ground beneath me as my shoes become more interesting than usual. I look up for a split second and see that he was waiting for me to continue and make the topic I wanted to talk about more obvious.
"There's just some things I do-do-don't understand," I tremble, shutting my eyes, not wanting to see his reaction at how much of an idiot I was acting like.
A smirk takes over his pink lips before responding. "It would help if I were to know what it is that you do not seem to understand," he says and runs his hand through his hair.
I shiver and tuck a strand of my blonde hair behind my ear before answering to Alex's query. "It-It-It's A-Actually a nu-number of things, Alex," I whisper in a rush as his eyes warm.
He rubs his neck with a soft sigh. "Take a seat, Kim. This may take some time, eh?"
With a nod, I oblige to his given instructions and reach out to pull a seat out for myself but, Alex obviously had done that for me which caused me to blush a little before squealing mentally.
He was and is such a gentleman.
I smile in appreciation as he, being the modest fella he is, shook it off as nothing.
Has he met some of the men in this school? Has he not seen how rude they are? Not all of them, obviously, but the vast majority were all arrogant, rude and only wanted women for all the wrong reasons. Not exactly wrong, I guess. Everyone has some sort of desire.
I didn't know Alex too well but he did seem as the sweetest man I had ever met.
It is not as though I expect all men to do things for women, but I just want each gender to respect one another.
How much is that to ask?
I could feel my phone vibrate in my pocket in a particular rhythm. Without thinking, I pulled out the phone and my eyes widened in surprise.
❝AlexDavid has created a new piece. 'Balaclava.❞
The name automatically rang a bell and so did the metaphor that David was most likely going to use. 'Balaclava' was some sort of ski mask and he was trying to hide his feelings-
Shit.
I had to read it now; I couldn't read a poem in the middle of this. In the middle of a conversation that I'd been longing the answers for.
"Sorry," I rapidly speak before putting my phone away to look at Alex. He looked as though he didn't mind and just smiled cutely and I felt as though I should just kiss the life out of the handsome bastard.
"I understand why you have some questions, Kimberly," Alex nodded and smiled as I turned my head in confusion. I felt as though there was something else he wanted to say, the previous statement that left his mouth, just sounded in complete. "Although, I don't think this is the place."
This isn't 'the place'? What on earth did he mean? Where would be 'the place'? Where could be 'the place'?
"And what p-place wou-wo-would that be?" I stuttered, as he smirked a little, probably alarmed by the fact that I still wasn't used to him.
"Don't worry, love. It's somewhere in the school. A little room I use to smoke a cig every now and again."
A cig? Was he offering me to smoke? I knew that we had smoked together before, just by accident and good luck, obviously, but now he was actually offering me.
I was so not used to this. I was so accustomed to people telling me, "no smoking" or "smoking fucks up your lungs" and now, I was kind of happy things were different with Alex.
He treated me like an adult and expected me to make my own decisions. Why couldn't everyone be like that?
He left a small, lingering kiss on my temple, which never failed to stop tingling. "You don't have to smoke if you don't want to, okay? Do as you please lovie," he smiled and I felt completely safe with him as the reassuring words left his mouth.
I felt the need to reach out for his hand and intertwine our fingers as we left the room, but I knew that it would drag all sorts of attention Alex didn't want nor deserve.
It wasn't a particularly nice attention he would receive if I were to hold his hand. People would think that was unprofessional, which would eventually lead on to the fact that he would be considered ' a bad teacher'.
I would be probably be considered a slut, that I mean nothing to him and I sleep around with random people, which logically doesn't make sense because I have social anxiety so, how does that work?
If I cannot talk to people I don't even know, how will I be able to sleep with them and perform other intimate actions?
Their logic didn't even seem to make sense.
We walk into the room, a room clearly labelled '505'. He smiles reassuringly before opening the door and letting me in before switching on the light.
The light awakened the room, giving me the ability to see. It was a thin, yet long room with a bed at the very, very end of the room.
The bed wasn't beautiful nor luxurious; it was a simple, single bed with white bedding.
The walls were painted white and there seemed to be nothing else within the room. It was, to be put ultimately, a hallway with a bed at the end of it.
I looked over at Alex in a heartbeat; only to be greeted by his gaze that went unnoticed, yet is now newly discovered.His eyes shone a little, awaiting an answer from me, to hear my opinion of the room itself that I didn't even know.
"What is this place, Alex?" I wonder out loud.
"A place where I can do this," he smiles, and holds my hand. I squeeze it, and let go, as I look around the room. "It used to be the nurse's, but now," he finishes and smiles.
I continued to feel a complete stressful bliss, and without care, I shrug and lie down on the bed, pulling out a cigarette as Alex silently observes in shock.
A smirk crossed my lips before lighting my cigarette, seeing Alex shocked was quite the prideful moment, which made me laugh.
A slow inhale of the cigarette was taken whilst eying Alex cautiously and teasingly. I tear away my gaze before letting the smoke escape my mouth as I begin to wonder how much damage I am causing to myself. How every puff I take and let out caused so much damage to my lungs, how they darkened them. Most of these thoughts would encourage someone to stop smoking, yet encouraged me to do otherwise.
"Oops," I chuckle before taking another puff as I continued not to give a single fuck whatsoever.
Finally, Alex decides to join me and lies down right next to me as I nearly choked. Alex is sitting next to me. Me? Honestly? As grateful as I was, it didn't make sense at all. I mean look at me.
Alex shakes his head before taking my cigarette and taking a quick puff of it and releasing it out in the air.
"You're gorgeous as fuck, my love. Don't let anyone tell you different," he complimented as I flushed before rolling my eyes in disbelief whilst trying hardest to keep a smile of my face.
"As much as I love your compliments, Al, I need answers," I speak confidently, as the last bit was quiet and needy.
"If you want me to tell you what is to happen next, I can not tell you anything," he says as his eyes bore into mine as they glossed beautifully.
I shake my head. "That's not what I want," I reply and Alex almost looked relieved from my answer. "Do you-erm, -I," I roll my eyes at myself before releasing a shaky, nervous laugh.
Alex wasn't laughing though; he was listening and watching attentively, waiting for a response from me. I sighed- once you start, you can't stop. "Do you like me?"
This is when he began to laugh. Not rudely, but just relieved that it wasn't such a big question to him.
"How could I not?"
Despite the importance of this conversation, It was my turn to laugh. "I think the real question is how can you?"
"You think."
I smirk. "I know."
Alex lets out a frustrated sigh. "How can I not?"
I arch an eyebrow. "Are we really back to this stage, David?"
"I believe we are, Browne," he retorts smoothly seconds later. Sassy Alex is probably my favourite Alex.
"You know," I begin, as Alex lets an "mhm," leave his lips swiftly afterwards, "I might as well try to see it from your viewpoint first before-"
"Before making stupid assumptions from your very negatively biased, low self esteem?" He says within seconds.
I raise my eyebrows and laugh. I wasn't offended, not at all, but he was right in saying that I needed to understand before making assumptions. I liked honest Alex. I liked formal Alex. I liked poetic Alex.
"Perhaps," I whisper as Alex blows out the cigarette before running his large, soft hands through my hair. He edged his body closer towards me, as I felt so thankful. It wasn't an expected word, but it fits perfectly, now I think about it.
"Your beauty is so exquisite," he complimented and my mouth parted whilst I tried, with all my energy not to blush. As much as I wanted to tell him how wrong he was, I had told him I would listen, so that was what I was going to do.
"You're such a sweet, sweet girl," he smiles, "and I want to do nothing else but get to know you," he says, and his eyes shine as he leans closer to me.
"Your words, as simple, sarcastic and sometimes very hard to make out, are music to my ears," he chuckles and I join him, "the good music, I promise. Not shitty pop music, I can –" he laughs again and shakes his head at himself. With two hands and a hell of a lot of sexy force, he kisses me and the extremely lucky experience starts all over again.