'It turns out I'm not OP at all. Now they're telling me that I'm a waste...' Alex sulked.
'Sir, a normal human is born with level 0 cultivation. Unfortunately, in today's society, there is so much air and water pollution that when combined with the ingestion of impure food, the bodies of most humans have become extremely unhealthy and weak. Their energy channels are blocked and they may not be able to cultivate above level 1 even if they trained their whole lives,' Scott answered.
Snort. "You try not eating pizza regularly when there's a shop on every block...What can I do?"
'For you Sir, there is actually a simple solution. Simply eat the golden apple. It is a cultivation treasure that can raise one's cultivation and cleanse their body of impurities,' Scott continued.
Alex picked up the apple and held it in his hand. it was giving off faint light. The skin was slightly hard like plastic. 'I hope I don't break my teeth on this thing.' He dug in. As he bit into the apple, he felt a powerful but smooth energy rush into his stomach and then spread throughout his body.
It felt extremely comfortable. With each bite, he felt better and better. Finally, there was only a stem left. He looked down at it, then threw it to Barney. Alex sat there with his eyes closed for a long time, enjoying the comfortable feeling. 'This is like that time I was at the top of the leaderboards for a day...'
Finally, he opened his eyes...or, he tried to open his eyes, but they were stuck. 'Scott, I can't open my eyes. What the hell is going on?' he asked his General through their soul connection.
'Sir, I'm unclear. Please summon me so that I can observe the situation.' As suggested, Alex summoned Scott into the living room.
"...Sir, the golden apple has cleansed your body and expunged toxic substances through your pores. Currently, your body is covered by these black toxins.
'That's understandable, but why can't I move?'
"...Sir, it seems that in your case, the about of impurities was...a little much."
Barney was confused. He was looking at the sofa where only minutes ago, Alex had been sitting in a meditative trance. At that time, Barney had decided to take a nap. Now after opening his eyes, there was a human-sized chocolate poop in Alex's place.
'So you're telling me that I've been turned into a giant, chocolate covered raisin?'
'That's fairly accurate, Sir. It would appear as if you are currently inside a cocoon of toxins. I've heard tales that during an extremely powerful being's evolution, they sometimes form a cocoon of energy around themselves to preserve the energy within. But this is the first time I've seen one that has been created purely from impurities...' Scott clarified.
'In fact Sir, I feel you should break out urgently, before this toxic sludge manages to gain sentience somehow...' Scott was afraid of his Lord's "talent."
Alex was startled now. He didn't want to become Swamp Thing. He mustered all of his strength to move. First his arms, then his legs. Finally, he managed to stand up, breaking out of the toxic shell that had been created by his body's impurities. When he was free, he couldn't help but marvel at his newfound strength.
"Wow, I feel powerful. Scott, what's my cultivation level now?"
'Negative one, Sir.'
...
Barney was enjoying life in his golden dog bed, chewing on his most favorite new toy, an old wooden pair of slippers. Occasionally, they would emit a small whimper.
After cleaning up his living room, which had looked like the floor of a Hershey's factory, Alex went back to studying the remaining two items. "Houdini, tell me about this eye."
'Lord, this is Balor's eye. He was a giant cyclops who was the leader of the Fomorians, a group of malevolent supernatural beings in the inner world of a chosen one from Ireland. That was part of the former region of the Rodwells,' Houdini explained.
"So you're telling me there are monsters in this world?" Alex's eyes shined. "Have you met Godzilla?"
...
'Lord, from what I know, the inner worlds of chosen ones can develop other species besides humans. Balor was killed inside of his chosen's inner world, and then the eye was extracted. As far as if monsters exist on Earth, I have not seen such a thing. However, this eye is a truly deadly weapon that can launch a terrible laser...' Houdini said with a twinge of fear in his voice.
"How terrible?" Alex asked.
'It's been said to be capable of threatening a God...'
"I like the sound of that. There's this prick Shane living nearby who needs to be taught a lesson. How do I use it?" Alex unsealed the giant eyeball and began to poke and prod it trying to find its launch button.
'Lord, may I ask what this Shane has done?'
"He's been talking epic sh*t in Call of Duty. I traced his IP and found where he lives. Time to vaporize him."
'Lord, I suggest you do not use it...on Shane. I'm afraid this weapon is a consumable and can only be used once.'
Alex considered the pros and cons. Several blocks away, Shane suddenly felt a chill.