The stench of gun powder creeps into my airways. There hasn't been much activity in the last hour. Only the occasional gunshot here and there. From the sound of things the aggressors we're not able to get inside the building. It's surely a good sign that we came out of this victorious.
"See Dixie I told you everything was gonna be all right" I sit down with him and pat him on the head. He was shaking violently even worse than me. It kept my mind off of things to have to care for him while all of this was going down.
It's been a couple of hours waiting for the conflict to subside. Hours without food, hours without water, hours stuck in this room. I can't wait to be out of here but Negan wouldn't want me to come out until he says so.
Soon later...
"The coast is clear," Negan knocks on the door loudly. I jump up eagerly, the absolute boredom has been killing me not to mention the hours of stress I went through earlier.
"How bad is it?" I ask timidly, fearing that the answer might not be something I'm ready for.
"Only four deaths, but no one you know. I think this was a warning of some sort" he embraces me lovingly and I rest my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat rapidly. This was a close call.
"that's a lot better than I thought it would be, at least it won't be hard to recover," I say trying to see the positive of things. It's sad that anyone had to die but four people aren't a major hit to our community, we can come back strong from this.
"I definitely have my work cut out for me, our defense team needs work. But I don't wanna focus on that right now, it's you and me. "
____________________________________
The steaming hot water of the bath surrounds us, every muscle in my body relaxes from the tenseness of the day. This is one of the best features of our bedroom. The tub is so luxurious like a spa. Negan was the one to come up with the idea of the bath, but I couldn't turn it down. Though He's obviously trying to get something out of this.
"Want me to wash your back?, He asks with a bar of bar soap in his hands.
"Sure, I'll do yours next" I turn around and he slides his hands up and down my body, wiping the rag across my skin. My eyes roll to the back of my head, the sensation of his massage paired with the delicious smell of the lavender soap is enough to fulfill me.
"You know I had a wife before all this, her name is Lucille. She was the inspiration for my bat." He confesses sounding almost sad.
I've heard stories about this before but I wasn't sure how true they were. People in the sanctuary talk and spread rumors but they're not always completely factual.
"I've heard. I'm sorry that you lost her the way you did"
He sighs and continues washing me from behind, "I wasn't good to her, I cheated on her and everything. I don't want to do that with you, Carmen. I do care about you even if that's hard to believe"
I'm not sure how to feel about this and I'm pretty sure it's all over my face. I don't want him to care about me, that makes things more complicated.
I shift uncomfortably in the water, "everyone makes mistakes. I'm sure she knew how much you loved her regardless of the other stuff". I express to him genuinely. It's hard to see him as a loving person but he was probably different before the apocalypse.
"all done," he says as he rinses my back with water.
I turn around and take the rag and soap from his hands so I can return the favor. He exposes his back to me and I give him a rub down.
"Thanks for your kindness but I don't know if that's true. I'm kinda a dickhead, I did so much wrong. She wanted a baby but I didn't amongst other things"
He's right, he is a dickhead but not wanting a baby isn't all that bad. I bet he's glad he never had one since the world is the way it is now.
"A baby is a big deal, I wanted one before but not any more things are different now".
Shortly after the words come out my mouth he turns to face me. The gaze he gives is one of enthusiasm and hope. "Maybe a baby it's just what we need around here to help us grow closer"
My heart skips a beat at the suggestion. Something in his brain must be off because it's no secret that we're together by force. Although I have told him I'm over Nate, I didn't think he believed me.
"but the world is so horrible now. I can't bring someone into a world like this" I protest his idea.
"They won't suffer here, they would be treated like royalty", Negan continues to push his proposal onto me.
He tries to kiss me but I dodge it, "Negan the Sanctuary won't last forever. Look what happened today. It only takes one attack for it all to come tumbling down"
The disagreement heats up.I'm firm in my position and so is he. I don't get why he wants this so bad all of a sudden.
"I'm working on that. I'm making things better. This place will be impenetrable when I'm done" he persists with passion.
I hate that I have to say this, I don't want to crush his spirits. Maybe one day he can be a father but it won't be with me, "It's not just that. I'm not ready to be a mom".
"That's fine. I can wait, there's no rush" he smiles but all I can do is bite my tongue. Negan isn't the best at taking no for an answer...
____________________________________
Later that night...
The night is a special kind of blackness, the kind that wants only to hold the stars and help them to shine all the brighter. It's a warm black that hugs you no matter what. Many nights like this I would stargaze out the bedroom window.
I can't sleep and I can't be a mother. Having a baby growing inside me and going through labor isn't even most of my worries. It's what comes after. Raising a child takes a village and the Sanctuary isn't that village.
A light knock on the door pulls me out of my trance. I glance over to Negan and he's still sleeping so I take it upon myself to see who it is.
I crack the door open, only leaving a small space, "Nate, what's going on? Negan can't catch you here" I whisper.
"I know but Negan snores so goddamn loud, I could hear him from downstairs. I knew you'd answer" he tells me with a smirk. The delight in his eyes is like no other.
I glance over my shoulder at Negan again than step out into the hallway with Nate. Our lips meet and we kiss. It's lingering and feels like heavenly bliss. It's only a kiss but my knees are weak, "I'm happy to see you but you can't keep coming here".
"Baby, It's time" he pulls away and brushes a piece of hair out my face.
"Huh?" I ask since I'm not exactly sure of what he's talking about. My mind is completely somewhere else.
"Tomorrow he'll be out of the picture, we can be together again" His mouth twitches, and I'm pretty sure he's fighting the urge to indulge in a full celebration.
I knew Nate was set on killing him but that wasn't what we agreed on, "I thought you said it was my decision?"
"I did but things are different now, a lot of people want him dead. It would be selfish to just leave. We have to do this, everything is already in place", Nate tries to explain away his decision.
I loathe the fact my choice was taken away but I can't argue with him. This is his plan and he's the one putting his life at risk, "So, how is it gonna happen?"
He points down the hallway, "In the meeting tomorrow. It will be quick and simple. All I need you to do is make sure he gets there on time"
My stomach feels queasy. It's gonna be hard to uphold my end though it's simple. All I have to do is keep him on schedule, "o-ok, but please be careful. What if its some type of trap?"
He confidently reassures me, "Baby, that's not gonna happen. Trust me I vetted each and every person before I included them in the plan"
My eyes shift to the side and my head hangs a little lower than before, "Good..." I mumble quietly.
"Don't worry, it'll all work out" he hugs me with gentle arms that still give me space to breathe. We stay holding each other for a moment but eventually, we both have to go back to our respective bedrooms.
I pick Dixie up from the floor then climb back into bed with him, it takes a while to fall asleep but when I finally do I'm deep dreaming. It's an escape from the dark events that await me tomorrow.