Chapter 9: Regrets
Snow White frowned as she woke up in her husband's arms.
It had only been a few days since the curse broke, but her head still hurt from all of this. Not mention she had been dealing with so much before the curse.
She sighed heavily as she turned to look at David. She should be thankful that he was alive. When she last saw him, she thought that David had been killed by Regina, but he hadn't.
Thank God.
But while she felt relief that David was alive, at the same time—at the same time Snow felt trapped.
She didn't love him. Not like she was supposed too. Which didn't make sense because what they were supposed to have was true love's kiss. But it wasn't what she felt that night with Zelena.
She scolded herself, she told herself not to even think about it. But as Charming touched her that night, as he made love to her all she could think about was how it felt all-wrong. How she wasn't, despite the fact that they were true loves.
She felt her eyes watering. This was he last thing she should even be thinking about. She should be thinking about Emma, she had been such a horrible mother to her daughter. Her daughter who needed her but wanted nothing to do with her.
Zelena would've helped her find a way to reach Emma, much like she helped her remove the darkness from her child's life.
She frowned as she thought about that one bleak spot in her life, her friend had helped her through so much and she forgot about her for twenty-eight years.
And betrayed her.
No, it was not a betrayal.
Zelena knew that she was going to stay with Charming. They couldn't be together, not with Emma on the way. And it wasn't proper. She had heard that so many times.
Her mother had told her so much before she died. She saw the way Snow had looked at some of the ladies in waiting. She had only been a small girl then, but she remembered her eye wandering over their body admiring their curves. How she found herself having more than friendly feelings towards one of the kitchen maids, and Eva had noticed it too, and quickly reprimanded her.
"I can't help it, Mother." She remembered saying after Eva confronted her. "I don't want to feel this way but…"
"You can control it," Eva said. "You're a princess. You have duties. And that is not to be with a woman, Snow. That is blasphemous. Do you understand me?"
She remembered the first time she saw Regina, she had thought she was gorgeous. It might've been one of the reasons she told Daddy to marry her. If Regina was her mother, than maybe—well, maybe Snow wouldn't feel that way about her.
It didn't work though. Sure, she grew to hate Regina. But she still feel her body heating up whenever she saw a pretty woman. She remembered being particularly picky about her court. How she didn't want anyone pretty to be a member of it, to try to hide her secret.
She remembered seeing Lady Belle when she came to court. How pretty she looked, how perfect she acted. She had thought Belle was gorgeous which meant she couldn't be a member of her court.
Of course, these feelings were quickly swept under the floor when Regina started trying to kill her and she met Charming. He was the first guy she felt something for, and it felt right. At least until she met Zelena.
Of course, she noticed how attractive the witch was, like she did with any woman. But by that point, she was secure in her marriage. But Charming started becoming more and more distant, and Zelena.
Snow hated to say this, but she fell in love with her. Not that she'd ever admit it until Zelena had saved her life, when Snow and her went to save Emma. She had spent one night in the arms of the witch, and then she turned her away. And she was gone now, taken by Zelena and she never got to be with her.
It hurt.
She tried to repress it with repairing her relationship with Charming. And God knows, she loved him. It probably helped matters that they couldn't exactly have relations since she was in her later months of pregnancy. She couldn't grimace at the way he pawed at her, how his body wasn't Zelena's.
And he was snoring.
She must've been tearing up more than she thought because she had woken up Charming and he asked if she was okay.
"I'm fine," She said. "Just thinking about Emma."
"We'll find her, Snow." Charming said in a sleepy voice. "We'll always find her."
His catch phrase for everything, Snow thought with a grimace as she looked at his sleeping form.
He had thought they needed to give Emma time, which she thought was ridiculous. In fact, they got into a bit of a row when they got back from Belle's earlier.
"I really don't think you should push Emma breaking up with Rumpelstiltskin." Charming had said much to Snow's chagrin.
"Charming," Snow said. "You and I both know she can't be with that demon. He tricked her. Once we explain—"
He shook his head. "Didn't you hear what Belle said, I think she made some good points. The more we push Emma away from Rumple the more likely she'll want to stay with him. She doesn't know us Snow."
"That's not true," Snow White said. "I had coffee with her."
He shook his head, "Mary Margret had coffee with her and that was only to drug her and it caused her to almost lose her baby. A baby she just lost. I'm sorry, but she doesn't like you that much right now, honey."
"That's ridiculous," She said, "You said the other day to Emma that she should give us a chance. You stood up for me."
"I did," He said, "But, but I understand where she's coming from. We can't push. And as much as I hate to say this, I think we should accept Rumpelstiltskin. He is Jaime's father."
She shook her head, "He doesn't have to be. Blue said there are ways that if we can find someone willing to blood adopt him."
This set Charming off.
"Are you hearing yourself?"
"I—" She said.
"You're being insane," He snapped.
"I just want to protect Henry," She said, "Surely, you understand that."
He shook his head. "The boy is fine. Just like Emma is fine. Surely, your realized by now that you're not born dark. Look, you trusted me back in the Enchanted Forest when that cockamamie witch told you that Emma had the potential for darkness."
"Zelena wasn't a cockamamie witch." Snow spouted out, "She was trying to help us, she sacrificed her life for us."
Charming shook his head, "She was crazy. She wanted you to kill a baby. A baby. Just to prevent any chance that Emma might've had from being dark."
"It wasn't a baby," She said. "It was—"
"It doesn't matter what it was, it was a ridiculous idea. Just like this whole blood adoption idea. Get it out of your head, Snow."
They didn't talk quite a bit after that, until Snow decided to get him in her good graces again by having sex.
That was one thing Regina had taught her. If her father was mad at her, she could always get Leopold back in her good graces by seducing him. But God, did Snow hate making love to David especially now.
"I know you're still awake," Her husband's voice said.
She should've known he hadn't gone back to sleep he wasn't snoring.
"I'm just thinking," She said. "I want to try to get in contact with Emma. This isn't right, Charming."
"Did you even think about what I said?" He asked.
She sighed heavily. "I don't like her with that monster."
"I don't either," He said, "But like I said before, we need to treat this delicately."
"You don't think she hates me, do you, Charming?" She asked.
"No," He said, "No. Well, she won't. Not when she realizes that it was Regina's machinations that made you do those things. We'll explain it to her."
"She doesn't even want to talk to us." Snow pointed out.
He sighed heavily, "That's another reason I think we should play nice with Rumpelstiltskin right now. He could help us talk with her."
"Why would he do that," Snow said. "He has never done anything for free."
She remembered being so happy when he died, she should've known it wastoo good to be true. Zelena had suspected as much.
"I wouldn't count him out dead as of yet, princess." Zelena said. "Dark One's seem to survive through many things."
"I saw the body," Snow said. "And God knows, Regina's making everyone think she's killed him. She declared herself the new 'Dark One'."
"You don't declare yourself the Dark One." Zelena pointed out, "You just are."
She should've suspected as much when Regina never appeared full out sparkly and causing more havoc. But at that point, she figured Regina was concentrating her power source on the curse. As far as a sparkly appearance went, she excused it to glamour charms. Her stepmother had always been extremely fickle.
Charming frowned, "I think he might be willing. He would want to make Emma happy, he does care for her. I've seen them together."
Snow shook her head, "We should've realized he wasn't dead."
"We saw the body," Charming said. "He was more than dead."
Snow shook her head, "You know, I haven't even had time to relish the fact that she's alive. That Regina didn't kill her."
Charming nodded. They had both awaken on the street, and it clicked who Emma obviously was. Because that had been what they named their daughter. They never told anyone what her name was, besides Rumpelstiltskin. Not even Zelena knew. Snow never felt right, after that night, talking about the baby with her.
She knew it had to hurt.
Charming nodded, "It's a miracle."
"It's a miracle that you survived too," Snow White said. "I couldn't believe it when I realized she didn't kill you."
It had been a miracle, but she didn't feel the way she should. Not that she'd ever tell her husband that.
Snow White found herself saying, "I want to find Regina, Charming. She—we need justice."
He sighed heavily, "She's no longer a threat. She's gone."
Snow shook her head, "No, as long as she's out there she's a threat to our kingdom."
"Honey," He said, "I don't know if you've realized this, but this is not our kingdom. We aren't royality anymore. Hell, Storybrooke is nothing like the Enchanted Forest. I saw Ruby actually making out with that barmaid from the Rabbit Hole the other day and no one looked the wiser."
"Ruby's always been…" Snow said, "She's always been that way."
He gave her a blank look. "Really?"
"Well, it's not something that you'd exactly reveal in the Enchanted Forest." Snow pointed out.
"I know," Charming said, "But she told you?"
"I'm her best friend," She said with a shrug.
Though she never admitted that they shared that particular trait in common—the liking girls bit. Although, they even kissed once when both of them were drunk. Snow had been relieved that Ruby had no memory of it. It was the first time she kissed a girl, till Zelena.
Charming shook his head, "Well, if she's happy. I guess it's okay. I thought she was seeing Whale though."
"She likes both men and women." Snow pointed out. Unlike her, Snow realized as she thought about the way Charming touched her.
God, what was wrong with her?
"Oh," Charming said. "Okay, can we change the subject? This has suddenly gotten very weird."
"You brought it up," She said. "That this place is different from the Enchanted Forest."
"I know," He said, "And I think that's something we have to remember. Just like we're going to have to remember Emma's a grown woman. Right?"
"Right." Snow White said as she laid there in bed.
In the end, she might've gotten about forty-five minutes of sleep. When she woke up, she saw Charming smiling at her with a cup of coffee in his hands.
"I called Belle, she's agreed to help us look for Emma. Apparently, she has her cell phone number."
"Belle, has her cell phone number?" Snow White said. "Freaking Belle."
"They talked a lot." David said.
Snow White shook her head, yet another reason to hate Lady Belle. Besides the fact that she made her feel uncomfortable in that pretty yellow dress and told her off yesterday.
She hated being told off, especially by a mere lady in waiting. She knew she sounded snobby. Hell, she had been told she had tendencies to be snotty even by her own mother, but she was after all a princess.
She would've been queen.
Before Emma's birth, she reflected on her coronation a bit. She felt so unready. Both Charming and Zelena had reassured her, that she' d know what to do but she didn't believe it.
She told Charming she needed to take a shower first, before she talked to Belle. She needed some time to think.
Like right now, she had no idea how to help her people let alone what to wear for the day. There were only so many overly cutesy cardigans she could take.
She frowned looking at her reflection in the mirror as she got dressed. She looked terrible. She hadn't really looked at herself since the curse broke, but Regina had really done a number to her appearance.
A lot of people would say the short hair was terrible, Snow thought as she fingered her shorn locks. Zelena had loved her long hair, so had Charming. Personally, the short hair was the least of the changes that bothered her.
In fact, she sort of liked the shorter doo if it was styled better. Which was why she got out Charming's razor and before she knew it she had given herself a fauxhawk. No one would stare at her ears anymore, she thought as she put some gel in her hair.
She actually did like the overall look. While it wasn't something old fashioned or traditional was edgy. And Snow missed being edgy. Which brought her back to how meek Regina made her look. Those cardigans. It might've seemed petty at a time like this, but she felt as stupid as she had the first time Regina had taken her to be fitted for an adult gown.
Snow hadn't exactly been fairest of the land back then. She had been in a pudgy adolescent, in pretty much everywhere but the chest. In fact, the whole idea of being a proper lady frightened Snow. She was more comfortable hunting around the forest in breeches than putting on a fancy dress and waltzing.
And of course, Regina did nothing but pick hideous dress after hideous dress that in no way flattered Snow.
"That looks darling," She remembered Regina saying after one pink monstrosity that she had forced Snow to try on.
Darling was not how Snow would describe the dress. It was way too lacey for her liking making her butt look bigger if possible than it was.
"It looks hideous," She said.
Her father was still alive at that point, and she didn't feel that scared of Regina yet. Though, she no longer adored her like she did when Regina first married Leopold. Regina had quickly taught Snow that remaining distant was best, but Snow had been so excited when her stepmother said she needed to take her shopping.
But she soon realized it was because her father had more or less ordered her too. For when Snow complained about the pink dress Regina sighed and said, "I guess this is what your father was talking about."
"What?"
"You. Having no sense of how a lady is supposed to look or dress." She said.
"But it looks horrible on me, Regina." Snow White said, "The color makes me look all blotchy."
"You're blotchy because you eat too much chocolates." Regina snapped. "It doesn't help your figure either."
Snow turned a color that she knew wasn't helping the dress. She was quite fond of chocolates, especially since her mother died and Regina didn't turn out to be the stepmother she had hoped for. God knows, she got so lonely and Cook was always more than willing to lend an ear while giving her some sort of goody. Her cinnamon hot chocolate always made Snow feel so much better.
"There's no need to get embarrassed about it, Snow. I'm telling you the truth. You're no longer a child. You can't indulge yourself in sweets, otherwise you won't catch yourself a proper husband or for that matter fit in a proper ball gown."
"Maybe I don't want a husband." Snow said.
It was the one thing that day she said was true. She didn't want a husband. Oh, she knew she had to have one, but the thought of being with a man even then didn't seem right to her. Even though, she knew one day she had to marry.
"Don't be ridiculous," Regina said. "You're a princess. You have to marry and be presentable."
"I know," That Snow said. "But this isn't me, Regina. I don't want to go to parties. And you and I both know I look stupid in this dress."
"A proper corset will make it look better, you'll see. It will at least give a bit of a figure, though laying off the chocolate and pasties will help too."
Neither of those things helped, Snow thought. She hadn't slimmed down until years later when she had to run off to the forest and it pretty much starved those thirty or so pounds off of her. Not that anyone besides Regina, even called her chubby back then. Even in that first hideous party dress, people found her beautiful because she was a princess.
Well, she hardly felt beautiful now.
She shook her head as she looked at the turtleneck she ended up choosing. There was no way in hell she was wearing anymore cardigans. She didn't know why Regina left it here at least until she tried it on and realized that it was a little snug.
More than a little snug, actually. In fact, she was struggling a bit to put it on. It was as if Regina had put the turtleneck in her wardrobe to play an old homage to Snow's chocolate loving days. It was odd how she hadn't realized in twenty-eight years that she still had pretty much a post-partum body. She was actually a little heavier than she had been even when she was forced into that hideous dress. She guessed she didn't realize it with being cursed, and then, well wearing all those boxy clothes didn't exactly show that her body had changed. That what she thought was always a muffin top for liking too many brownies at Granny's, was really leftover baby weight.
Not that she cared since she had her baby. The fact that Emma didn't die made Snow smile.
With one final tug Snow was able to finally get the turtleneck on. It might've showed every imperfection of her body and she could barely breathe, but it wasn't a cardigan or a tent. And that was something.
With the hair and turtleneck, she halfway felt like herself and she was ready to call Emma.
Though, her hands were still shaking when she took the number from Charming. Charming eyed her and asked if she was okay.
"What?" She asked.
"You were in the shower for a long time and you—well, you look different."
"I had to do something with my hair, and I couldn't' wear another cardigan." She said with a sigh, "I know the top makes me look fat, but now's not the time to buy clothes."
"You're not fat," He said.
She rolled her eyes. "Come on, Charming. Even I know I can barely breathe in this top."
At least Zelena would've told her the truth, Snow thought, before instantly regretting thinking that. Charming was only trying to be nice.
"Snow," He said, "I wasn't lying…"
"I've gained weight," She said. "There's no denying that. I essentially just gave birth to a child. And I think Regina curse allowed me to continue gaining weight despite being cursed."
"Don't be ridiculous, you might be a little heavier but you're hardly fat." He said before pausing for a moment, " But if you hate the cardigans that much, I can buy you some things if you want to call Emma by yourself."
She looked at him, "Really?"
He nodded, "I figure you might need some time alone. It's not like we can have a three way conversation, and I know you're anxious to talk to her."
"Fine," Snow said. "But Charming, can you please not get me anything in pastels or that looks like a tent?'
"Of course not," He said before he asked for her size.
Her hands shook as the phone rang. Finally, someone picked up. "Yeah, who is this?"
It was Emma, she sounded grumpy. Of course she did. "Emma," She said, "It's me, it's me, Mom."
There was a huge sigh on the other end of the phone. "Mary Margret, I told you I don't want to talk to you."
"I know, but, but your father had Belle give me your number. I wanted to call to make sure you're okay, and baby, you need to come home."
There was a pause on the other end of the phone, "Why should I?"
"What?"
"Storybrooke is not my home," Emma said, "Did it ever occur to you that I had a life before I moved there. That I had planned to move back to Boston."
"But Jaime." Snow said.
"He's fine," Emma said. "I found him. He called me. He ditched Regina, and he's fine. He's with me now."
"Good," Snow said. "Then everything's okay then. You can come home and we can, we can be a family."
"No." Emma said. "No. I'm not coming back."
"Is it Rumpelstiltskin, Emma? Is he keeping you from your family because your father and I—"
"No, this does not involve, Rumple, Mary Margret." Emma snapped, "I told you, I don't want anything to do with Storybrooke. I want to raise my son in peace away from this insanity."
"But what about your family?"
"I'm with my family," Emma said before adding, "Don't call this number again. I won't pick up."
She then hung up, and Snow White found herself in tears. True to word, Emma did not pick up when she called again. In fact, the phone had been turned off after the third attempt to call. When Charming came back with the clothes, she was an outright mess.
"She's not coming back," She told Charmign through tears.
"What?" He said setting the bag down.
"Emma," Snow said. "She says she's not coming back at all. And then she turned her phone off. I lost her again, Charming."
"We didn't lose her," He said, "She just needs space."
"No," Snow said, "You didn't hear her."
He sighed heavily, "Snow."
"What?"
"She's okay though, right? I mean, you called her and she's okay."
Snow nodded.
"Then I think we should give her some space." He said thoughtfully.
"What?" Snow asked shocked.
"Emma's going through a lot," Charming said. "If she's okay, I don't think…"
"No, you're not thinking." Snow snapped. "She needs us."
"Snow." He said, "Really, think about it. She just realized the truth about us, she'll want some time."
"No." She said, "I'm going to find her. Talk some sense into her, she's coming home."
"You're being ridiculous," He said causing her to look at him startled.
"What?"
"You heard me," He said, "This behavior is ridiculous. It's going to drive Emma further away, I thought we talked about this already."
She glared at him. "No, we didn't."
"We did last night."
"Last night, we were talking about Rumpelstiltskin."
"And let me guess, he's with our daughter and you can't stand it."
Snow glared at him, "I still can't believe your okay with that relationship."
He shook his head, "Like, I told you earlier it doesn't matter what you and I think. Emma is a grown woman, Snow. She can make her choices"
"No, she can't." Snow said, "She doesn't have that luxury. Neither did I."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Charming asked.
"Dear lord, she's a princess, Charming. Believe it or not, when you're a royal you have a lot of responsibilities. I know you were born in a hut in a village, but I would've thought you're time as 'Prince James' would've taught you a thing or two."
He stared at her, not quite sure to make out what she said. She knew he didn't understand, not all of it. How could he? He didn't know that every time he kissed her, touched her that she inwardly flinched. That no matter how kind he was to her, no matter how gentle he was to her, she'd never love him the way she was supposed to. She'd only view him as her nearest dearest friend, not how she should treat a husband.
"I think I know a lot about royal responsibility, Snow, since I almost died for our daughter." He finally responded.
There was something so cold about his tone. However, Snow didn't allow herself to get hung up over it. "That's not what I meant."
"I don't care," He said, "You're going to leave Emma alone. Give her some space, we owe her that much."
"And what if I don't?" She asked.
"Then, then, I don't know if I can be with you." Charming said.