Even though I was highly medicated I'd known I hadn't seen my babies in days, since the day they were born. I constantly heard them crying in my mind and knew they were incubated but why hadn't they taken me to see them, wasn't I competent enough to interact with my own children?
The scent soon invaded my room, I laid in bed with staples from my asshole to my appetite, I had almost given birth unattended and my son was breach so they cut me. I could not even believe I was still alive, the pain I would remember forever. I was so alone.
She whispered, "Hazel Givens, quit faking and get your ass up." The bitch smelled like Tide and dryer sheets, the same way she smelled in school. Angela? Angela Marshall? I managed to meet her gaze and focus, it was Angela. Some shit just didn't change. The characters on the scrubs she had worn danced before me, they would not be still. "Girl, all that hair is gonna dread!" She always played in it while sitting behind me at her desk, I had the hair everyone wanted but nothing else. It hadn't been combed since I had been admitted almost three months prior. "I see Kerri all the time, she said u had moved to Texas."
What the fuck? "I'm so sorry about your son," she continued. I was so unresponsive but she sounded sincere, and she saw Kerri? Where? I hadn't seen her in over six years and hadn't she wanted to see me if she knew I was in Texas? "Kerri," I mouthed, and then, "my babies!"
"I won't let them put your babies in state custody, I'll call her."
BITCH WHAT? They would be hospitalized at least another month and if they stopped giving me that bullshit medicine I could take care of my son and daughter just fine! I had taken care of Boogie, Ryan, and Ryella! HADN'T I?
She could tell I became upset and the Feno they had me on was interfering with my cognitive functions as well as the Zyprexa, the only psych drug I could take after childbirth. The Abilify had immediately given me hives, I had swollen to humpty dumpty and my skin had peeled like a snake. They hadn't given a fuck, "Yea, I've seen it before. She will fully recover in a couple weeks, start her on the Zyprexa."
I knew plenty asses he could kiss, including mine. He had fucked me up.
I wanted to see my babies, who did they look like, had they gained any weight? I knew they were each at least 1500 grams, I'd heard them say that much. The obstetrician had once said "Who would do this to a mentally ill woman! It's despicable! As much as Joan and I want children! Hadn't there been three!"
BASTARD! I can hear u! And fuck Joan and her womb!
I was really on the verge of losing it violently, the meds just wouldn't let me. That was the hard part because all pressure eventually blows. Had they discussed taking them from me? They hadn't asked their names but of course how could I name them, right? I knew their names. I had just forgot them! I looked at Angela and rubbed my belly. "OH! Would u like to see them?"
Bitch, duh. She had gained a lot of weight and was married. I wanted to see my children and wash my ass. How long had she worked at LSU and why hadn't I saw her before? I needed her to get me out. She left and returned with a wheelchair. I could barely move, I was stiff and had laid on my back for a couple days. I hadn't even tried to fight, but I knew I could. She helped me up, my ashy feet touched the cold floor, I stood with her help and sat in the wheelchair. She reached inside of her pocket and laid many pairs of disposable panties on the bed. "U can shower when we come back."
I had barely made it to 27 weeks, but I made it and knew I was able to hold them. The neonatal nurse held my son against her chest. "He likes skin contact but he will settle for the closeness," she said, "Mommy u can give him some." I began to cry as I reached for him, he'd worn an oxygen tube.
My hairy son, he was covered! What the hell! He had both dimples, my daughter only had one. The nurse confirmed what I had suspected, she was awake but was so content and nosey. Her eyes were opened, my son's were not. The nurse had said he wouldn't open them until 30 weeks, but why had she? After she handed him to me. Angela said, "He looks like Pastor Givens," and he had. Did that mean he wasn't gone be shit? I interacted with them and vowed not to lose them. I needed Daddy, I had completely cut Mama off again, she hadn't changed so when she would call Twan's phone after they snuck me out of the hospital we never answered. How could she just subject me to being treated like that? Twan had loved me, I wondered if he still had. I missed him so much my heart ached inside something terrible. We had three babies together and Ryella had just turned a year old. I needed her too, she was now a big sister. Angela left but returned, I fed my daughter she just stared at me. She had some shit to say, my boy was a wimp. Why were my boys wimps?! Did I have a coward gene I was passing along? I named him Dartanyan and didn't give a fuck what Twan said. Django was on. My girl, I named her Twalla. It hadn't mattered what I named them though. I would have to fight for those names eventually. When Angela came back she informed me it was time for the meds. At that point I voluntarily ingested them, the bitches would stick me if I didn't. I wanted to feel normal again. I had held my babies, that was a start. We went back to the 10th floor and beside the "Authorized Personnel Only" door stood Trenton. I was glad to see him. He assumed Angela was my nurse. Was she? Could I have a visitor? He said my name and that he was glad to see me, Angela held the button for the doubled doors after we entered for him to follow. I looked a mess, and knew it. Someone had made my bed, soon another nurse came with a cup of pills. I knew she didn't mind sticking a bitch and would look down my esophagus to see if I had swallowed them. Roshunda, I didn't trust no bitch with that name but had only met one, her ass. I got out of the wheel chair and sat on my bed looking for the plastic drawers Angela had left. I wanted go shower so bad and she had to leave, she was a nurse on another floor but had come back to make my bed. She had taken graham crackers and creamed cheese from the diabetic cart and left them for me. I thought back to school, she had been genuine, I had just scared her once. I had had so many seizures and the doctors told mama I would succumb to epilepsy. A massive seizure would occur that I would never recover from. It was as if she had anticipated it. I guess she knew he wanted us more.
"They would not tell me if u were still here when I called, I knew u were in the looney bin! It's confidential. They couldn't stop me from coming to see. I have something for u."
He had shown me a $13,000 check. "This was left after the medical bills. My insurance covered it. I have another home, u are welcome to come. I'm sorta starting over."
Yea, it sounded good. I was state property. "I can't take u away, I'm not your husband, or your parent."
WHET? HELL, I DO MUTHAFUCKA! I looked at the check. My name was on it, I didn't understand.
"U wanna shower, I'll help u to the shower if u like. Next time I come I will bring whatever u need."
I really needed everything! That little bar of soap was gone disappear in my ass crack to not be found!
He really cared and had proven it. Twan had too. I was getting sleepy, I knew the meds would put me under. I knew I could speak but it was hard. I was so helpless! The voices kept me company but they were all too negative now. The medicine made me disregard them but they yet existed. He turned on the shower and turned to leave out. I couldn't do it alone. He had to help and could tell by the look on my face I was impotent. He thought about it for a moment and then said, "I'll help, I mean I was just gone wait but if u need me..."
I pulled at the neck string, I was sore the pain was excruciating, the IBUPROFEN hadn't kicked in, he loosened both gowns they fell to the floor. He instantly turned his back. "JESUS!" Sweet or Baby? He'd seen some shit he hadn't anticipated. Nigga just help me. "I'll be right back." I had on a Kotex! I was so fucking tickled, the tape had begun to peel up from me belly. He damn near passed out. I walked in the shower and he tapped on the door. He soon came back in. His reaction to the soap was as mine was and the shampoo hardly lathered but he washed my body and my hair as I stared at him. He was uncomfortable but it was amusing since he always wanted to be Jack N The Box! I guess looking at my body made him mention Twan.
"Antwan just got out."
"WHAT?" I said.
"U play too much," he said. "Yea your little boyfriend was locked up. Domestic Violence."
ON WHO? WHERE WAS HE? I had known Trenton would not tell him where I was, and the thought pissed me off. He would search I just knew he would. Where was my baby?
"Look, I know u are sick, but this is torture. I will find someone to get u out."
No, marry me! That's the only way!
I showered and got out, the warm water had given me life. My whole life had instantly crumbled and I was still free. When I was put in the ambulance, the EMT was saying before the seizure, all the homes in almost a quarter mile are destroyed. "Guy around the corner had a Maserati, it exploded, tornado picked it up and threw it into the home. Destroyed the whole house, they just found his remains inside. Only thing were left was his teeth and lungs, he was a successful stock broker." I seized. "Take the apple from her hand!"
A week went by, Twan didn't show up. Only Daddy.
"U done had them babies out of wedlock, u can't even take care of yourself let alone two babies. Let's go." He was gray as hell, and old! Life had whooped his ass but not like I would have to.
They had come in with the clothes I had worn in a brown paper bag, a pink plaid pajama set and some cum stained underwear from the pocket. I got dressed, he smiled for the people. I hadn't known his motive but soon figured it out. "Now where is this check he spoke about."